Troubled mono in long term poly-relationship

I was hoping to get some advice. I'm in a committed relationship as someone's primary for over 6 years who I am now considering splitting with.

I'm seeking an answer to the question of “should I break up with her” or maybe a better way of putting it is “do I want to be single again?”. Deep-down I know that I'm the only who can answer this question but I am hoping that by sharing your stories I can get a gauge for what is whether I'm misguided or my relationship is unhealthy.

Its been hard for me to get advice on this issue, mostly because 99% of my friends are monogamous. They've all told me to dump her. But I don't trust their advice because they think of the lifestyle as abnormal. I've never considered it so. I just don't think that it's right for me.

Id be particularly interested in hearing from people who switched from identifying as monogamous to polyamorous, what was hard about it, how you got past it. Conversely I'd would also be nice to hear, “its okay to be mongamous, you are for good reasons, and you don't have to feel weird about it”

I don't quite know where to start. I suppose a bit about myself.

First - I don't naturally consider myself poly. I'm probably mono. However I've never considered poly-people or alternative sexual identities and lifestyles evil or immoral in any way, shape, or form. I consider myself a very open-minded person.

I'm not perfect. Being mono in a poly relationship I've worked through a lot of personal issues. However, even at my most jealous, I've never made any claim to ownership over my partner, and never given mandates as to her actions. The road to accepting my partner's poly nature wasn't (and still isn't) silky-smooth. However I am grateful for the number of issues its helped me get over.

Without going into every argument and growing pain. (Although I'm happy to if the conversation leads in that direction). I want to say that I've now matured enough emotionally to say that I'm STILL not poly and that my mono-nature is whats right for me and my needs. And just FYI, i'm not the only one who did some growing here. My partner often (involuntarily) coerced me into accepting lifestyle decisions I wasn't ready for. This wasn't a simple case of "poly helps mono get over insecurity".

Anyway, this is where I'm at right now. After several verbal fights, I agreed to attempt to move past some issues. While there are still some things that make me insecure, this is what I know (both mentally and emotionally). Her sleeping with other men doesn't mean she loves me less. It also doesn't mean that I am not keeping her sexually satisfied. She wants to live with me and only me, and has never wanted to do so with anyone-else, including the other people she sleeps with.

Part of the resolution to these arguments was that we identified that one potential source of my unhappiness with our arrangement comes from my perception of our arrangement as being unfair or imbalanced. She made the point that my perception of the imbalance has more to do with my personality than it does with the ethics of the situation. I struggle with picking up women - and courtship is a prerequisite for (enjoyable) sex.

The resolution to these fights was that I should make a sincere effort to live a poly-lifestyle. The last year of my life has been devoted to doing just that - and I'm genuinely feeling that its causing me emotional damage, both as a individual and to our relationship.

1.) I used to feel secure in the fact that my partner found me attractive - dating again I feel exposed to the ridicule and judgement of strangers and that's really lowered my self-esteem. I get really tired of the bar scene and watching frat-boys do everything I was told women don't like and watching them go home with girls I tried to chat with. As a result I find myself wishing to improve shallower things about myself: dress, physique, etc, instead of the things I actually consider important.

2.) There were a large number of activities that my partner did not share my enthusiasm for. I used to spend a lot of my time trying to convince her to join me in these activities. Instead she suggested that I find someone who shares my interests and do it with them instead. As a result, I am now spending the majority of my free time alone. It seems like the only things we still do together are watch tv and go out to eat.

3.) Sometimes I meet someone I think I could be with. We set up a date and I square with them as soon as I can about my existing partner. They don't ever call me back after that and I feel worse off than when I started.

4.) I find myself considering lying or hiding details about my relationship from people I feel like courting until they like me enough to hear me out about the poly-thing. At the suggestion of my friends and my partner I've been looking at blogs or books on pick-up-artist techniques in order to shift-myself out of limiting mono-mindset. I don't like who I am when I try on these other personas.

5.) I was hoping that being out and about more would rekindle certain aspects of our relationship which have gotten stale. But I don't notice any perceptible change in - the number of times we sleep together, her willingness to make time for me, the number of activities we do as "just the two of us", or her willingness to do things just to make me happy.

In short, I'm questioning what about my existing relationship is still valuable to me. I'm not sure what I get from it that I wouldn't get from a platonic friendship and being single again. I feel just as lonely as I did when I was single. My poly-explorations are placing more doubt in my mind, not less.
 
I also dislike cauliflower. Nasty stuff.

Yeah, sounds like poly is just not your bag. And that is totally ok. It shows up in threads here over and over that trying to be poly or trying to persuade a partner to be poly rarely works if they are not already so inclined.

However, that's a different issue than if you should stay in your relationship. There are folks who make mono/poly relationships work. But it is very, very hard. Search mono/poly and you will much to read and think about. You will need to decide if you can make the compromises necessary to be in a 'mixed' marriage. (And your partner will also need to make compromises too - it's not a one way street.) You will need to think about if you can live with and accept what being with a poly partner means. You've had some time to experience this - it's not brand new to you.

Keep in mind that if you decide that you ultimately want a mono partner, dating can still be humbling, hard on one's ego, and you will run into people behaving badly and getting away with it. Good luck - you are in a difficult situation.
 
Just from what you've written, it doesn't sound like poly is the core problem. You seem to be experiencing problems in your primary relationship in terms of your connection with your partner and the number of arenas you connect deeply on.

Here the question is what were the things that brought you together? What were you doing when you bonded initially? Are those activities still of interest to both of you? If that's not enough, it might make sense to ask if you can work to develop areas of mutual interest. Take some time and talk it through. I'm not sure it's useful to say, I enjoy X and we should hang out doing X even if you have no particular interest.

You need to mine the seams of adjacent or overlapping interests instead.

The challenges you express in engaging in poly relationships on your behalf sound to me like challenges in meeting, dating, or courting women. These challenges will persist when you're dating and single. You'll have the benefit, however, of not having to explain the poly thing.

Dating and compatibility are complex. If you take it too personally when someone is not interested or loses interest in you, it easily batters your self-esteem. I give the same advice over and over. Don't meet women with the sole intention of finding a date or relationship. Meet and engage with the intention of finding new friends. Interest and dates will flow from this in unexpected ways.

For me, it allows me to relax and stop thinking about me and if I'm doing this or that right or whether she likes me or whatever insecure thought is likely to be in my head. I can then focus on enjoying myself, being truly interested in the other person in a more than superficial way, and have fun doing things I enjoy.

You truly may be mono. I just don't see in your description any of those hallmarks... like not feeling interested in a partner who's interested in you because you can't seem to find that emotional hook (like you've got one parking space for love, it's compact and filled up by an Escalade...).

Whether you're mono or poly, taking a different approach to dating can be helpful for men who aren't hyper-aggressive - not matching the cultural norm.
 
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When I first started reading your thread, I was thinking I might be telling you, that you probably weren`t poly, and not to feel bad about it. I`ve been there done that. I'm rather an expert, on wasting a lot of time, trying to adapt to something that didin`t work for me. ;)

However, as I read more and more, I agree with MindfulAgony. I don`t think your core problem is with 'poly'.


From what I am reading, you are frustrated with being alone, frustrated with doing things alone. You are frustrated with Dating and the process of it, not so much the poly part. I don`t think you can know if you are 'poly' until you have a chance to express feelings for more then one person at a time.

This,..has nothing to do with your partner.

Whatever issues you have with your partner, could be tainting your ability to date objectively. If you feel less confidence, and overall 'less' this would be happening in a mono relationship that has taken a turn for the worse too. Many times, people break off a relationship, and don`t date for awhile. They are not 'relationship material' , until they feel healthy and strong again.

Good Luck.


Footnote : For the love of all things natural and sweet, do NOT go to Pick-Up Artist sites. That method, is the WRONG way to catch a woman's attention. Nevermind the type of women that fall for this shit, as they are just going to be a headache further down the road. If you really want something that easily swayed, buy a dog, and tie a porkchop to yourself. Otherwise, working on feeling good about yourself, and once you do, you`ll draw others to yourself naturally.
 
I tend to agree with the concensus ~ there are two separate issues at work here. When problems arise in a non-standard relationship, it's easy to blame the relationship structure when that may not be the problem. The relationship you describe with partner would be far less than satisfactory even if she were not poly. There are specific problems you cite which could be addressed if you are both willing.

Now you can ask yourself, if the problems you have with your partner could be resolved, would you still have an issue with the mono-poly structure of your relationship?
 
Good insight all around, especially regarding dating. I'll try to keep those two issues more separate in my mind moving forward.

However – with regard to shared activities or experiences, I do think mono-poly frictions are at the source of it.

In response to MindfulAgony who had said:

You seem to be experiencing problems in your primary relationship in terms of your connection with your partner and the number of arenas you connect deeply on.*

Yeah, this is certainly true – but part of these issues are rooted in mono/poly mindsets. Or at least that’s how it was presented to me. I'll give you a concrete example. My partner wont join me in several activities, ranging from the completely mundane (won't join me for poker night) to serious (won't come with me to visit my family) in terms of my emotional needs.

I used to spend a lot of time pressuring her into joining me. She claimed that this was part of my monogamous mindset, that I was looking for a mythical fairy-tale person who would complete me in every-way. I was certainly guilty of some of that early on in our relationship, but I don't think its the case anymore.

I don't feel like I need her by my side ALL the time. I now consider myself a very independent person. Other coupleo have said as much too. I'm certainly OK with her skipping poker night. But on the more serious side I often take weekend trips out of the city into the country to get some nature in and put my mind at ease and she HATES coming with me. Really seriously she wont visit my family with me.

Well – its not that she wont. When I have convinced her to come – she's bitter and grouchy the entire time and pressures me into leaving early – or leaving without me. She feels coerced, like I'm stripping her of her freedoms.

I explained to her that it was important to me, and her reaction was something along the lines of “just because I love you doesn't mean that I should do things just to keep you happy if they make me miserable - find someone else to do it with” or like “why are you trying to change me?”

I explained to her that I gladly sacrifice for her just to make her happy and its not a big deal for me. She says that that’s not healthy. I get that a mono-mindset can create couples that take this to ridiculous extremes, they defer dreams, plans, loose friends, or pass up jobs for the other. But this was never us. I'm just talking about a boring weekend with my sisters so I can catch up with my nieces and nephews. More than that, I want HER to see ME with my family, to see how my sisters are an influence in my life. I also want my parents to see that she's a positive influence in my life. Her take on it is just kinda like “I don’t want to or need to”

Is this really a poly-mindset? As poly-couples go, do you the rest of you really not make any sacrifices for the other? I really don't get the benefit to so much unbridled freedom. How can you show someone you care about them if you just do whatever you want without regard for the other all the time? I get that I'm responsible for my own happiness – but the more I take this to heart – the less of a presence she is in my life. I'm now asking myself, do I need her at all?
 
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It almost seems like either she doesn't really want to have a primary relationship with you, or there's something in her past that really wigs her out about meeting your family members. Perhaps she had a bad experience in a prior relationship.

I get that you're not trying to cage her--she's special to you, and you want to share that with your family, and share your family with her, because they are also special to you.

It's worth talking about, perhaps with the aid of a counselor. If you're not going to take the counselor route (perhaps owing to cost), at least read the NVC book together and practice those techniques. Emphasize that you're seeking to understand each other; you're not seeking to "win" in an argument.
 
To me, it sounds like she doesn't actually want to spend much time with you, and I can't see her making any effort to spend QUALITY time together. For that reason I think you should break up with her. If meeting your family makes her MISERABLE (as in literally makes her upset) then I'd suggest that you have compatibility issues. If she's unwilling to do things to spend time with you, then do you even have a relationship at all?

It seems to me like she places no value on your time together - she'd rather not bother with anything that she doesn't feel like doing right at that moment.

If you're as independent as you say, then reinvest in yourself. Take up that hobby you've been wanting to start for ages, phone up that friend you've been meaning to call up for a while. Start working on making sure that even if you're ALONE, you're not LONELY. I have lots of stuff that I do that I don't even WANT to share with other people. That means that if I am by myself, I'm doing something for ME instead of wondering who I could've been spending the time with. As you start focusing on yourself again, your girlfriend might notice the positive steps you've been taking for your own life and start trying to make more time with you.

Footnote : For the love of all things natural and sweet, do NOT go to Pick-Up Artist sites. That method, is the WRONG way to catch a woman's attention. Nevermind the type of women that fall for this shit, as they are just going to be a headache further down the road. If you really want something that easily swayed, buy a dog, and tie a porkchop to yourself. Otherwise, working on feeling good about yourself, and once you do, you`ll draw others to yourself naturally.

There's a lot of shit out there, but there's some places that have the right idea, namely improving yourself and your own life so that you're more attractive and confident, and less desperate and needy. If you're looking for cheap tricks, you're going to end up disappointed, but there are places that are about discussing becoming more attractive to women in a way that includes honesty and integrity.
 
In my experience, a relatively small percentage of people genuinely like their partners' families. Many people don't even like many members of their own families. But spending time with our families is an obligation that we take on for a number of reasons -- for the sake of the ones we do like, out of a love that goes beyond liking or not liking, out of a sense of responsibility for past care and support, out of a respect for the concept of family, etc., all of which are valid and emotionally important reasons. And having our partners with us for at least some of that can be extremely validating, it can make the whole thing easier to bear if it's fraught, and it can bring us closer to our partners.

When people talk about a single partner not needing to be everything to you in poly, they're not talking about setting aside the core functions of a primary partnership (love, affection, support, counsel) to be fulfilled by one or more secondaries (since I assume that's what any new partner would be to you in this relationship structure, since your gf doesn't want to live with anyone else). They're talking about bonuses, like maybe your partner hates a particular sexual or recreational activity, with poly you don't have to go without sharing that with a partner for the rest of your life.

In case it wasn't obvious, I consider spending time with our partners' families now and then, unless there are extreme circumstances or it's really not important to our partners, to be a core primary relationship function. Primary-ness to me Is about family, and if she refuses to see your family without emotionally dumping on you for forcing her to do so, then does she really want to be family to you? Is she willing to make *any* sacrifices for your emotional well-being, or is it just about pawning you off on new poly partners so you'll stop bugging her?

If I were in your position, this is the issue I'd address first, and if it couldn't be resolved I don't think I'd stay.
 
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There's a lot of shit out there, but there's some places that have the right idea, namely improving yourself and your own life so that you're more attractive and confident, and less desperate and needy. If you're looking for cheap tricks, you're going to end up disappointed, but there are places that are about discussing becoming more attractive to women in a way that includes honesty and integrity.

I was specifically refering to 'Pick-Up Artist' sites. A term the op used. A crappy niche offered out there. I think it`s a given, that there are sites that help you become more dating friendly.
 
To me, it sounds like she doesn't actually want to spend much time with you, and I can't see her making any effort to spend QUALITY time together. For that reason I think you should break up with her. If meeting your family makes her MISERABLE (as in literally makes her upset) then I'd suggest that you have compatibility issues. If she's unwilling to do things to spend time with you, then do you even have a relationship at all?

This. As I read your posts I found myself wondering what benefits each of you are getting from the relationship. If one thing that's important to you is someone to spend time with (which is very much the case with me) then it certainly doesn't seem like she is fulfilling that need. To me it sounds like she's failing to realize that relationships involve compromise. Sometimes you may do something that's not really your cup of tea for her, other times she should be doing something for you. Neither Monochrome nor TGIB are the sports fans I am, and I am not as much of a comic book geek as either of them. But we all try to show at least a little interest in things that are important to the other, because we care about each other. In what you have told us I don't see the evidence that she cares.
 
Is this really a poly-mindset? As poly-couples go, do you the rest of you really not make any sacrifices for the other? I really don't get the benefit to so much unbridled freedom. How can you show someone you care about them if you just do whatever you want without regard for the other all the time? I get that I'm responsible for my own happiness – but the more I take this to heart – the less of a presence she is in my life. I'm now asking myself, do I need her at all?

Excuse me for being blunt, but imo her attitude has nothing to do with a poly mindset; it has to do with not giving a shit. Relationships ~ ALL relationships ~ require a certain degree of compromise, of doing some things that may not be our favorite. While sure, I can see not joining you on poker night. However, your family is an important part of your life and therefore she should give it some due consideration.

I can see why you're questioning whether you need her.
 
Hmmm - I would wonder if your partner actually wants to be in a relationship at all? I spent around 7 years being single and very happy. What I loved most about it was the freedom. I didn't have to make time for a partner's family or engage in activities that I wasn't interested in because it was important to a partner.

I spent my time and energy on the things I wanted to do and on developing relationships with people who shared those interests. The time was lovely and I think the most free I have been in my life. :)

I also wonder about your partner's perspective that doing things for other people has something to do with monogamy. I have a wonderful and trusted friend. I love her. My relationship with her is very important to me. She's a platonic friend and has always been that way.

Anyway - like I say, that relationship is important to me. So sometimes I do things that I'm not that interested in so that I can spend time with my friend - typically this means spending a Saturday afternoon shopping. My friend's hobby! Not something I find fun at all.

And sometimes I spend time with people I'm not that fussed about. My friend has a friend who can be hard work on nights out so if she is around, then usually I go along to to make up numbers and help balance out the negativity from the difficult person.

And sometimes she does things that she finds difficult for me. We arranged to go walking together once and I was keen to bring one of my dogs along. My friend agreed to that even though she is terrified of dogs - she said she trusted me to make sure it would be fine.

I don't see these things as restrictive, as a sign that my friend owns me, as unhealthy. I just think it's what you do when you are in significant and important relationships - regardless of type of relationship.

I hope you are able to work things out so that you can have a more fulfilled life.

IP.
 
I don't visit PN's family, well part of it, if I can possibly help it. Nor would I be entirely interested in poker. In fact there is not a lot that we like that is similar, yet we love each other and stay together. We like to dance sometimes, but he likes to go home WAY earlier than I so usually dance around at home with LB (our boy). We have a great stereo for such dancing. We like to look at videos on line together. I read his tarot cards the other night for our date night.

We FIND things to do together and sometimes we HAVE to do stuff we don't want to. Mostly though I make it up to him in other ways when I don't want to do something and he does with me. It works along side our other relationships well. Or would if he had a partner right now ;)

I think that people are mostly reading in to what this woman is thinking/feeling here. Maybe she is like me and is just fine with her independent life yet loves you avoidscauliflour. I don't think it has anything to do with monogamy (although what you are rerquiring of a partner does tend to be a monogamous perspective). I think its more to do with the nature of your relationship. Maybe you need someone more compatible. Maybe you need to think about what she says and go about finding more friends and possible other partners to spend time with doing some of what you like. I would think more friends would be a better option here. Especially for poker.

I agree with the idea of finding friends and creating community around you actually. It seems to be the best bet for getting ones social needs met. I wouldn't be putting this on her. Good for her sticking to her guns and not becoming co-dependent because you want her to do certain stuff with you. Find what she and you both like to do and do those things instead. Get her talking about things you DO like to do together.
 
Hey thanks everyone,

This is literally the first time I've been able to have an adult conversation about this. Even among my best of friends, they never really get past the “see, THIS is what happens when you sleep with other people”

Anyway - Red

Maybe you need to think about what she says and go about finding more friends and possible other partners to spend time with doing some of what you like.

A lot of what you said was stuff my S.O. said to me. I felt a strong need to reply to it. Hope none of our conflict rubs off in my language, its not my intent.

Yeah – I took her advice, literally. For me its had the opposite effect. Did guys night – totally fine. I started going out by myself (cool) – started leaving for weekends by myself (cool) – separate set of friends (ok) – started taking separate vacations (less cool) – now I'm at the point where I don't ask her to DO anything just to see when she'll take the initiative.

I know what means to be codependant. I'm not arguing that couples need to do everything together - but I connect with people by sharing experiences – sometimes that means sharing an abundance of time. It can also mean spending little – but quality – time. The way I see things – were doing neither. Doesn't like to go out, constantly reschedules, dinner dates get 5 friends added to it.

Having private time with my s.o. Isn't about shutting her out from the rest of the world. It's about creating a space where I feel space to share things that an intimate to me. I don't like opening up to people – I need privacy to accomplish that. With live with 5 other people – so the fact that this doesn’t happen by virtue of us living together AND she has no natural interest, or worse, dislikes creating that space with me is really bad.

If the effect of being more independent strengthened our relationship I would have been cool with it. But I already had a problem with how we spent our time together – and adding new people into the mix while I was out “working on me” wasn't changing anything. It was just making LESS time and doing nothing to address the quality of it. Worse – I feel like persuing a poly-lifestyle is her solution to the problem. Given that I suck at dating when I'm single, going poly is certainty not going to be my solution to it.

I have a feeling someone's going to jump on me for this next part – but this is how I see it – so hell... I've never believed that if two people do exactly what they want all the time that they'll be all the better for it. The numbers here are just to illustrate the point – not actual values I'm placing on our relationship.

The issues of fairness here are legitimate – she's free to come and go from our domestic lifestyle as she needs, she has 100% of her needs fulfilled. But I have different needs – and they’re dependent on her so maybe like 50% of mine are if she's going full 100%. I feel that we could meet somewhere in the middle so maybe I could be a little happier (85%) – is it fair of me to ask that? I don't know it depends on your perspective. I could leave – and maybe we'd both be at 65% - not great, but its better than my original 50%
 
avoidscauliflour- I will write more later, but is this a post you could show her? Its concerning that there has been a slip from doing things independently to doing nothing together. There's a huge difference there that I wonder if she is aware of and I'm wondering how she feels about it.
 
now I'm at the point where I don't ask her to DO anything just to see when she'll take the initiative.

Be careful, this becomes a vicious circle and no one wins.

I know what means to be codependant. I'm not arguing that couples need to do everything together - but I connect with people by sharing experiences – sometimes that means sharing an abundance of time. It can also mean spending little – but quality – time. The way I see things – were doing neither. Doesn't like to go out, constantly reschedules, dinner dates get 5 friends added to it.

I had similar issues with my husband (we're not poly). One of my love languages is "Quality Time" and that wasn't happening. We had to sit down and have a serious discussion on what that means, in detail.

Part of our problem was that I would constantly complain that he was "never home". So to him as long as he was in the house, I would be happy, even if he was glued to the computer all day, sat in front of the tv without any concern for what I might want to watch or had 3 or more people over to work on some project (but never stuff I needed done). He thought he was satisfying my request for him to be home more, when in reality he wasn't any more present than when he was physically gone and it all just pushed me further away.

It got to the point when I planned an outing, even dinner and a movie, I had to specify that it would just be the two of us (or us and the kids) or I would find myself surrounded by a group of his friends. I still resent it and still feel like I have to state out loud that I don't want him to invite others. However, by stating these preferences ahead of time, as much as I hate it, it does avoid any misunderstandings.

You need to tell your wife that you need to be able to spend quality time with her in order to feel loved and in return, to be capable of giving love back. If she is willing, schedule a weekly activity for just the two of you and alternate who gets to pick the activity.
 
...part of these issues are rooted in mono/poly mindsets. Or at least that’s how it was presented to me. I'll give you a concrete example. My partner wont join me in several activities, ranging from the completely mundane (won't join me for poker night) to serious (won't come with me to visit my family) in terms of my emotional needs.

...Really seriously she wont visit my family with me.

Well – its not that she wont. When I have convinced her to come – she's bitter and grouchy the entire time and pressures me into leaving early – or leaving without me. She feels coerced, like I'm stripping her of her freedoms.

I explained to her that it was important to me, and her reaction was something along the lines of “just because I love you doesn't mean that I should do things just to keep you happy if they make me miserable - find someone else to do it with” or like “why are you trying to change me?”

...I'm just talking about a boring weekend with my sisters so I can catch up with my nieces and nephews. More than that, I want HER to see ME with my family, to see how my sisters are an influence in my life. I also want my parents to see that she's a positive influence in my life. Her take on it is just kinda like “I don’t want to or need to”

Is this really a poly-mindset? As poly-couples go, do you the rest of you really not make any sacrifices for the other? I really don't get the benefit to so much unbridled freedom.

I am in the process of getting divorced, but even when my ex and I were in good shape, I never wanted to go with him to his family stuff; I didn't like most of them and their attitudes, and it was so-o-oooo boring for me. So I didn't go, and eventually he didn't mind it because he knew that I spoke a different "language" than his family does (not for real - we all spoke English, but I mean I just don't "get" them and what they're about). It was important to him in the beginning right after we got married, maybe just the first year, but afterwards, no.

It's not a poly thing. I have always been monogamous, and certainly my husband and I were mono. But I just never feel beholden to please family of anyone I'm involved with, 'cause to me, it's the people involved that count more than who else among the person's family likes me or not. I hate familial obligations in any way, my own family included. I guess this comes from my background - if my mother was mad or upset at a relative, she wouldn't speak to them anymore, or cut them off completely. Most of my relativesare the same way -- we either tell it like it is, tell each other off, or stop speaking to each other. My husband's family pretended to be nice to everyone's faces, yet bitched about them behind their backs. He knew I hated that, I'd rather have the honesty.

So, to me, I would rather choose to be with family members (whether mine or a partner's) because I like being with them or we'd be doing something I'm interested in, and for no other reason. To me, things like family functions are totally optional, unless it's super important to my partner. A wedding, christening, or milestone birthday party, okay, I'd usually go with him (most of the time). A boring weekend hanging around with my partner's relatives just for no reason when I could be doing something else, not important enough. Your gf may have a similar attitude, and you two just might be incompatible around this issue.

Not saying there aren't other issues between you, but I just thought I'd respond to that part.
 
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It sounds like you are assuming and expecting stuff that she isn't aware of. Leaving her to take initiative... as said earlier is a slippery slope, but also not fair. Expectations that people don't know about are not fair. Why not tell her that you expect that she take a role in creating opportunities to connect with you. That you want a balance there. Don't assume that she doesn't already feel like there is enough connection. Maybe she has expectations of you that you are not filling. Ask her if that is the case and see what she says. That's what I would do anyway.
 
Speaking to the family thing. Runic Wolf is an only child, his family is relatively small and has been spread out/ thinned out since we met in high school. I had a relatively large family in high school and when my dad came back into my life 11 years ago, he brought 2 more siblings and a side of the family that I'd been forcibly separated from by my maternal grandmother. My family is now huge and has historically had large family gatherings on holidays. I know that Runic Wolf is uncomfortable spending alot of time with my entire family and specific family members.

We spend alot of time with his family as a result of his mom being recently widowed and losing her father, husband, and sister over a 3 year span. So I have sacrificed spending holidays with my family (only spending an hour or so with them when we do) for a few years. This year, Runic Wolf agreed to spend Christmas day with my family and eat dinner at my Aunt's, although he fundamentally disagrees with her on almost every level.

I have had to make it clear that spending that time is important to me and that I felt it was unfair to spend so much time with his family and not spend an equal amount of time with mine.... I do think he finds it easier now that my siblings are all adults than when they were still kids/ teenagers, but we talked about it and reached a compromise. It seems to me like there isn't alot of clear communication about what you want/ need from each other and how to get it w/o leaving hurt feels, resentment, or disappointment.

Maybe it would help if the two of you took the love languages quiz together, as someone suggested. Or even if you took it separately, it might help you explain how you work to her.
 
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