Making Amends

Eloise

New member
Long story short: your couple says they wronged you (they played with someone else), ever so sorry, how can we make it up to you?
Problem: no idea.
I have never had anyone offer to make amends... and this after the female of my couple tried to get out of guilt by saying "well the past is the past and you can't do anything about it so you may as well move on."
Which I told her in no way did I accept that as anything more than a cop-out.
But then here I am wondering....how does one make amends? I am a bit embarrassed to be asking what seems like perhaps a most elementary concept... if I wrong someone I try to make up for it, personally. But someone making it up to me... that's... not something I am used to. I am really at a loss.
 
In a world where taking responsibility for your actions is a rarity - that's not an elementary question.

How does one make amends? Well - that depends.

Sometimes you can't.

Sometimes a simple, geniune "My actions hurt you and I'm sorry" is all that it takes.

It's a concept that's not taught to children - and unless you learn it as an adult - its difficult to put into practice.

It sounds as though its not so much an amends, as a trust issue in your case. Do you trust them not to hurt you again? Do you believe their apology is heartfelt? Or do you think its a matter "I'm sorry, but I'm only saying it because you expect it"?

For me - usually a genuine apology, without excuses, is enough for me to feel like the matter is settled. It rarely happens though. :cool: :(
 
Meh. It sounds like they feel guilty for some reason and want you to let them off the hook so they can say to themselves that everything's cool. What you described doesn't sound like the words of someone who is sorry for what they did and whether or not it hurt someone else.

But we only have one side of the story to go by.
 
I would be just as confused. I don't know if one can really make amends, all that can be done is to apologise and wish for forgiveness. I'm not sure if I understand the concept correctly, though. I think I would like to explore what happened and why it happened to understand it all and to see if they are truly sorry.
 
Exactly what trust or agreement was broken? Is your relationship a polyfidelitous triad, or are they just supposed to keep you informed in a more timely manner, or include you, or clear things through you first, or what?

My experience is that when agreements are broken, it's usually because one of the parties to the agreement didn't really want to agree to begin with...
 
Sometimes making amends can only be done by future actions. A genuine effort to change, to be better and act better.
 
The guy of my couple is extremely sorry and feels terrible. The gal is the sort who feels bad, has a good cry about how she feels bad, and then moves on... nice girl but lacks maturity.

They were annoyed with me because I chose my studies (Ochem II final) for a few weeks over their company. I even told them I had to buckle down ...So they assumed since I wasn't physically in the group then, it didn't matter. So they did not tell me when they went out that they played. Hearing from them the next day how good and sexy and intelligent this person was kinda didn't help them in my perception... I think I was supposed to be happy they played. Without telling me.

They learned otherwise, and it was through reasonable discussion on how much it really hurt me that assumed since I wasn't available that they could go off and do what they like as a couple again
 
The guy of my couple is extremely sorry and feels terrible. The gal is the sort who feels bad, has a good cry about how she feels bad, and then moves on... nice girl but lacks maturity.

Please don't be offended by this, but it doesn't sound like you're dating a couple. You don't even seem to like this woman--which isn't good, if you do like her husband.

Offering a sincere apology and moving on may actually be a very healthy, mature response, particularly if there's little or no attachment between you and her (and it certainly seems like there isn't).
 
Really? A "couple" cheated on you!? Whatever. I'm sorry, I would be really surprised if they didn't know exactly what they were doing and didn't care enough. They BOTH sound immature to me.

It sounds like the boundaries you have with them are not firm and need some clarification. Once clarified, if they are unsure, they should ASK for clarification.... what a fucking cop put indeed!

Ya, I think they owe you a really nice dinner on them and to spend the night doing exactly what you want to do. Then, as Ari said. The proof will be when in the future you need to study, they keep their sexiness at bay and wait respectfully and patiently.....

If you have boundaries with them that include play outside of your relationship then so be it, but that needs to be discussed and agreed to in my opinion. It sounds like you didn't and it wasn't clear. That is no ones fault, but it needs to be cleared up and they need to prove they are trustworthy...

I find it really hard to believe that out of the two of them they didn't figure on asking you how you felt if they went ahead and got their sexy on. Seriously, it seems to me it was a convenient excuse that they just assumed. Personally, from what you are saying here (I don't know their side of it) I would be really pissed off and would be asking for them to show me in many ways that they love me and can be trusted.... I would have a hay day of ideas on how to make amends... starting with the above suggestion ;)
 
"Please don't be offended by this, but it doesn't sound like you're dating a couple. You don't even seem to like this woman--which isn't good, if you do like her husband."

Honestly, I'm not offended.

Without going into too much detail, she knows she lacks maturity, she knows her method of dealing with things is childish, and it has become apparent to her that for all that she is nice, she's needs to finally grow up and stop depending on others to take care of things.

I'm trying to keep it as general as possible; she knows if we're ever going to be close again, she has to make up a lot of ground.

I am sure this all sounds awful and mean. I should quit while I'm not too far behind.
 
I noticed you said you're not bisexual. Would it be healthier for all if you pursued a vee, instead of a triad?

They might feel the need to pursue other sexual relationships because she wants to feel like someone is sexually attracted to her, and not just putting up with her. It might also explain why she's not particularly apologetic about it--she might have enjoyed feeling desired, and may not really regret it as much as you want her to.

A vee might free her up to date other people on her own, and you could negotiate a relationship and boundaries with the husband (who does seem to regret it).

Just throwing the idea out there. :D
 
Do you view your relationship to them as poly, while they view it as sort of swinger-ish? Like you're just a "third" they "play" with, and not actually a living, breathing human being they are in a relationship with? It sounds that way. "Oh, our live sex toy isn't available, let's go find another!"
 
I like to think about things a few days before I answer...
redpepper: "It sounds like the boundaries you have with them are not firm and need some clarification."
Originally, I was told my boundries and rules were too restrictive. So I relaxed them. That was my mistake.
And I did say it was okay for them to play with this specific couple. Since it was swinging they had to inform me and keep me in the loop. I learned from them they had thought of it as "sexy fun." I told them swinging was swinging.

So we will work on the boundries again, and if they think me too restrictive, they can take their leave, or they can use notecards to keep track.

Ivy: she is free to pursue whomever and whenever. Or she was. I put a halt to all swings and plays until this mess settled.

nycindie: she thinks of it as "MY husband and ME" and "My husband and her." I thought of it as a V. And so did he.
 
I'm not sure what you mean...is there something like an official Manual of Poly terms that I should be aware of?
I had been given to understand unicorns are single (uncoupled females) and one of the first responses on here was "you're not a unicorn because you're not bi." Now I'm being told it's confusing if I use "my couple" and describe it as a V... it's getting a bit bewildering.
 
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I'm not sure what you mean...is there something like an official Manual of Poly terms that I should be aware of?
I had been given to understand unicorns are single (uncoupled females) and one of the first responses on here was "you're not a unicorn because you're not bi." Now I'm being told it's confusing if I use "my couple" and describe it as a V... it's getting a bit bewildering.

Just for the sake of clear labeling. :)

Unicorn is an unattached, bi sexual hot babe who is interested in exclusivity with the couple.

A triad is a sexual/romantic relationship with both of the other members of the couple.

A V is a relationship with one member of the couple. In. That case you may be called a leg and the person with two relationships is the hinge.

It helps people, when trying to help you, to clearly understand the relationship structure :)
 
It's confusing when you say "my couple" because for one thing, they are not "your" couple. They are "a" couple. And when you are priomarily involved with one of them and not the other, it is usually referred to as a "V"; when you are all three involved with each other more-or-less to the same extent (all have sex either in twosomes or threesomes, all feel "crushy" or "lovey" toward the other two people), then it is usually referred to as a "triad". Think of the shape of the letter V and the shape of a triangle. How are the two different
? There is no line connecting the two upper points of the V. That indicates bthat the two points of the V are not "in a relationship". Of course you ARE in a relationship to some extent because of your common partner - that is usually referred to as being "metamours".

It is really not that complicated. If you are passing organic chemistry, this stuff should be easy to understand, conceptually if not practically. You CAN tell the difference between a triangle and a two-sided angle? can you not? It's very similar to the difference between a triangle and a rectangle, N, or Z when describing the difference between a relationship with three peopleinvolved or a relationship with four people involved. All these terminologies came about to facilitate the description, not to hinder it. That is the reason we don't like to use any word we want to describe anything we want. It's like going into an ice-cream store and asking for "not chocolate" when you really want pistachio. You don't expect the employee to read your mind and figure out what you really want. You have to SAY "I would like a pistachio ice-cream cone" or you might end up with Strawberry. The same is when you're involved with a member of a couple but not the other member. Referring to the relationship as a "V" and calling them "my couple" is just going to confuse the fuck out of peeople who don't know you from a hole in the wall.
 
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