Poly journey of Mya and rory

Hey Mya,

I'm not saying you should base your life on the hope that Alec's feelings might change, but... they might change. Time and closeness can open doors where people didn't even know there were doors to be opened. This is how he feels now, but could he even have imagined this situation at all five years ago (maybe not or maybe so, but you get my point)?

If you know you can't be happy without this dream, that's one thing. But if you think you can be, and are willing to set it aside for now, that doesn't mean the dream can never be reconsidered.
 
I just felt so disappointed. Living together all four of us was my big dream. I know it was bigger for me than it was for anyone else. And now that dream is crushed and it hurts like hell. Even though I can intellectually understand Alec's point of view, it makes me really sad that he doesn't want to live with JJ and can't imagine thinking him as family.

There's going to be some tough loving coming your way now, and I do not mean ill, but what would have been there for Alec in your dream scenario? Logistically it would have been a dream come true for you and probably rory as well. But the two of you would live with your partners and metamour, whereas Alec and JJ would end up living with a partner, a metamour and a parametamour (?), just like Alec pointed out to rory. It is difficult for you to imagine why Alec would not be able to consider JJ family, because all three mean so much to you, but it's not the same for Alec, and likely never will be. Would a girlfriend of Alec's be welcome to live with you too? Would you want to share your everyday life, your bathroom, your breakfast, your bills with a woman whom you have nothing in common with except that they love a man whom your partner also loves? A woman you couldn't choose, in a way?
 
Annabel: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can be happy without that dream coming true. And yes, his feelings can change as well, who knows. But he just said it so firmly, like he was so sure, so I wouldn't put much hope to it.. The thing is, rory and JJ weren't sure about it either but they were willing to see how things progress. How deep the relationships would be etc. But yeah, I guess you can never be sure.

BlackUnicorn: Well, that's where me and Alec are different. If I was in his position, I could live with his girlfriend if I liked her as a person. I've lived with roommates before and I like it. So has JJ. Alec and rory haven't so they don't know what that's like. They wouldn't necessary like it, many people would feel weird living with anyone else than the ones they love. So like I said, I can understand it, but it still makes me sad. And you can't choose a metamour either, so I don't see the difference there.
 
There are more than one way to live as a poly family. There's also the option of buying property together and having two houses on it, where each couple has their own space, with shared communal space (maybe even in a separate building) for all of you. Or simply living very close to each other. Since you all know it will be a few years before anything like that happens, anyway, you can fantasize about all kinds of scenarios, and when an opportunity comes along, you will know if it feels right. Your relationships, even between the metamours, will deepen. So, don't lose hope or fret now; there's so much possibility you could never even dream of!
 
^We're sort of hoping to find apartments in the same building right next to each other, once we move to the same city. We'll see how realistic that is, but one can always hope. :p However, after living 500 to 2000 kilometers apart, I'm thinking the same city will be great in itself...

--

I did some academic reading about poly (and other non-monogamy) yesterday. It's not something I can use for my studies at the moment, unless I get REALLY lucky in an essay topic. :D But I'm definitely interested in the research that has been done. I found a great article which basically summarised all that had been done around the topic. There's been quite a bit in the last decade, but there is certainly a lot of ground to cover. It's definitely an area for consideration once I start choosing my dissertation topic. That'll be few years still, so right now I'm reading stuff for own interest. There is a recently written book "Understanding non-monogamies", of which I sent a request to the University Library, we'll see if they can get it since they don't have it at the moment.

Me and Mya have talked in skype for maybe 30 minutes in the last two weeks since she's been travelling. All other contact has been via text. I really miss her a lot. :( Well, it'll only be a week 'til she'll come here, and maybe we'll be able to get some skype time before then, too. I feel really disconnected at the moment. I'm not sure if I should try to explain what that feels like, if others get that feeling? There is a positive note to make, though. Even as I feel disconnected, it doesn't make me feel as uneasy as it did some months ago, even though we've now spent a much longer time not able to talk than we've ever had before. I sure miss her, but I guess the difference comes from the fact that I feel more stable and secure in our relationship. I know, both rationally and emotionally, that even though I'm feeling disconnected, she's not going anywhere. So the disconnection is in no way threatening, it's just uncomfortable. I can ride it out, be patient and reconnect once we have the chance. :)

I have some poly-talk scheduled for the weekend with Alec. Plus some other talk, too, as well as a lot of hanging out and enjoying each other's company. We've both been quite busy with our own stuff last week, so we haven't really seen much of each other. He's basically been home awake for 3 hours each day before going to bed. We're thinking of getting a car once he gets his first pay, because he now spends almost 4 hours each day getting to work and back and by car it'll only take two.

Have a nice weekend you all! :)
 
Interesting incident yesterday!

Me and Alec had gone to bed (falling asleep) when Mya called. I had called her earlier that day because I was feeling sad about stuff going on with my father. She called to see if I was feeling better. I really appreciated her concern. <3 And it was pretty early in the evening, she had no way of knowing we were already in bed.

Anyway, we talked for a little while, and Mya said "I love you, good night" and I just responded "good night" and we hung up. That made strange feelings come up to me. I would have felt more natural to tell her "I love you too" at that moment, but I felt too self-concious so I didn't. But then I felt like I was "hiding something" by not saying it.

I have told Alec that I love Mya; he knows and is fine with it. I'm not sure if he's ever heard me say it to Mya (I can't remember if there's been that kind of a situation). I'm not careful with it or anything, and I doubt it'll be a very big deal for him to hear that (just odd as are many poly things). Actually, I'm pretty sure I would've said it if it hadn't been that I was in bed so close to Alec and everything was so quiet around... It just felt weird to say it. But it felt just as weird then that I didn't.

We haven't really discussed the topic with Alec, though. Don't know if we should. On one hand, I know many people make agreements with their partners about this kind of thing, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. On the other hand, I think my/our style is just somewhat different. I make agreements with a partner about things that directly concern him/her and our relationship; but not really about stuff that has to do with my relationship with my other partner. For example, I negotiate with both Mya and Alec about the sleeping arrangements when Mya comes to visit us; but when I make plans to go and visit Mya I merely inform Alec about it.

I guess I feel this is a similar kind of thing in that it really only concerns me and Mya and our relationship. However, I'm sure it will (or does, if he's heard it at some occasion) feel weird for Alec to hear me say "I love you" to another person, and I'd like to somehow acknowledge that fact. Now that I think about it, I don't think it's very different from PDAs. When the three of us first hung out, it felt pretty weird to touch either one of them in front of the other. I think the first times me and Mya kissed it was so that Alec was aware of it happening and could have seen us if he had wanted to, but it wasn't right in front of him. It didn't take a lot of time for everything to start feeling completely natural. I think that's how I'd like to handle saying "I love you" also. I'd like to say it occasionally in situations in which I know Alec can hear me, but I'm not in a really intimate situation with him (like I was yesterday). After I know he's heard it a few times I'm sure it'll feel comfortable to do it in any situation.
 
We haven't really discussed the topic with Alec, though. Don't know if we should.

How is this a "we" discussion? It should be a discussion between you and Alec. Stop speculating and making assumptions on his behalf, have the discussion directly. What is he comfortable with? What does he think would freak him out? From everything you have posted here, I would guess that it's not going to be a big deal.
 
We haven't really discussed the topic with Alec, though. Don't know if we should.
If you mean that you wonder if you and Mya would approach Alec and ask if it's okay for you to tell each other "I love you," I think that would be weirder than anything else! :p

On one hand, I know many people make agreements with their partners about this kind of thing, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. On the other hand, I think my/our style is just somewhat different. I make agreements with a partner about things that directly concern him/her and our relationship; but not really about stuff that has to do with my relationship with my other partner.
I think this is as it should be. Personally, I would not be involved with anyone whose partner determines what or how my relationship with that person is. You are doing well to honor each relationship you have, individually, for what it is and how you want it to go. I think that's great.

I also think you're making too much of this issue. It probably just hit you in the moment that he's never heard you say that to her before -- but maybe he has! -- and you became self-conscious and are still holding onto that a bit. This is a no biggie, I'm sure, especially since you say that he is aware of your feelings for her.

Breathe, relax!
 
Oh wow, I was being unclear! :eek: When I wrote "maybe we should discuss" I meant me and Alec only. I understand how that would sound confusing, sorry about that. The mental image of all three of us having a conversation about this is making me laugh. :D

Thanks for your comments SNeacail and Nycindie! :)

SNeacail, that's something I really try to avoid, making assumptions. Although, maybe it's more that I do make assumptions, but I don't expect to always be right with them. What I mean is that when I come to think about something poly-related (say, whether Alec wants to sleep in our bedroom or in the living room when Mya comes to visit) I usually already have a pretty good idea what the answer will be but when it's something that concerns him I obviously still ask him. Does that make sense? :)

However, now that I think about it, I don't think I need to have a discussion with Alec about this particular thing since it doesn't really fall into that category. I'm pretty certain in my assumption that he won't freak out. :p But even if that did happen, it's not something I should go out of my way to avoid. Rather, in that case it would be good for both me and Alec to know that hearing me express my love for somebody else is something that raises very strong feelings for him. Obviously, I want to be sensitive to him and his feelings, but I do think they need to be faced. This is actually something in him that I'm really proud of and grateful for, that he is willing to do that.

I agree with you Nycindie that this really wasn't any big deal. I'm not panicing or anything, I just like to think and analyse stuff, and was wondering why I acted the way I did (and why it made me feel uneasy). I also completely agree with you here
I think this is as it should be. Personally, I would not be involved with anyone whose partner determines what or how my relationship with that person is. You are doing well to honor each relationship you have, individually, for what it is and how you want it to go. I think that's great.
It's nice that you understood what I mean by writing that. :) I think it's one of those things different people do really differently in their relationships (in mono and poly): some people make plans individually about how they want to spend their time, others think it's a given that you ask your partner first. I don't think there's anything wrong with the second way (and it may sometimes be necessary even, e.g. if you have kids). But I feel very strongly that the first way suits me best. It's particularly important for me when I'm making my plans: if I needed to ask, I would feel like my personal freedom and independence were under a threat. But it does tend to make me crazy to try to make plans with a person who needs to check their partner first, so I doubt I could ever be in a relationship with somebody who had that kind of arrangement with (one of) their other partner(s).
 
Last edited:
I'm going to see rory tomorrow! Yey!! :) I'm feeling quite disconnected at the moment so I'm very happy to see her and reconnect. I've been travelling for 3 weeks now and it's been great but the downside is, like I wrote before, that we couldn't communicate a lot. At the moment I'm already in the same country as rory, but I'm now visiting one of my friends in a different city. Before this I spent several days in the very city we're all going to move someday. I have many friends there and it was so nice to see them and also just enjoy the city. Sometimes I feel I have 3 loves in my life, rory, JJ and this city. <3

Before the trip JJ told me that he might be having feelings for someone. He stressed the word 'might', like he really wasn't sure what it is he's feeling. I'm so excited for him! Just the fact that he is (or might be) having a crush makes me so happy for him. That is a nice feeling. :) The downside is that she's not really available for a relationship at the moment, but who knows what will happen in the future.

There's just one thing about this situation that makes me worried. Now that I know he might develop feelings for other people (in his own words he hasn't had them before during our relationship), I'm worried he'll find someone in our current home town. And I really want to move to the city I've been talking about, no matter what. So if he did, then he would have to fly back and forward later like I do now. :eek: The neverending cycle of LDR's.. I know, nothing's happened yet and might never happen so I'm worrying for nothing really. :rolleyes: It's just a thought I had and wanted to share.
 
Last edited:
Mya is coming today!!! Oh my god I am SO happy to see her! :) :) These last three weeks did feel kinda long since we couldn't really talk; and we have a ton of catching up to do. :p

There's something positive the e-mailing with my dad brought up, too. He's so miserable in his life (which I'm sad about but there seriously isn't anything I can do, and he won't do anything about it [like get a divorce]) that every time I talk to him it reminds me how very happy I am in mine... I don't know if that sounds awful, like I'm reveling in his sadness.. But really what I try to say is.. I've lived there, and I was just as miserable. But look at how far I've come. :) I'm really, truly happy, and I feel that my happiness increases every day. I'm lucky to have all the things that I do, but a huge part of it is because I make myself happy. I concentrate on the things in my life, which I have and like, and not on those I don't. And I make choices that make me happy, even if they are scary and big and out of mainstream. (Disclaimer, though I doubt I need it on this forum: some people can become happy with choices which are mainstream, and more power to them, but I am not one of them.) And I feel and grow and enjoy the ride. :)
 
I was thinking in the morning that I´ll post about how I make myself CRAZY with being an idiot and stressing about both my partners having fun all the time. I know it's idiotic, because people are perfectly happy and satisfied in their everyday life without it being fucking rainbows and sunshine and puppies and fireworks every damn minute. Both Alec and Mya are having a good time, it's just me who is constantly worried, as if I were responsible for it or could do something about it anyway.

But right now I'm sitting on the computer, eating breakfast, and my loves are racing against each other on XBOX and laughing and enjoying themselves. And the stress is fading and I'm relaxed and happy and sooo in love. They are such amazing people... <3 <3 :)
 
It's been great here with rory (and Alec of course). :) It was amazing to see her! It has also been intense. We've talked a lot about the things we weren't able to before, had a huge amount of catching up to do. At times it has also been quite exhausting. Well, totally worth it anyway. :)

This first week that I'm spending at their place is a bit weird for all of us I guess. But of course it takes time for three people to get used to each others habits and for me also to rory and Alec's household. They have an excellent apartment though! I mean it's possible for us to take our own space and for rory to spend time with both me and Alec separately. Obviously we all hang out as a group as well. I've been happy with the time divide, I feel like I've gotten good amount of rory's time and we've spent good amount of time all together. And I've also gotten some skype time with JJ.

There's also been one bit of bad news. This whole traveling around has made me more broke than I thought. And I'm not getting paid yet since I just started my freelance job. So we talked about it and came to the conclusion that instead of flying to rory twice more this year (November and December, like we had planned), I'll only fly once at the end of November. :( But there's no point in spending money when you really couldn't afford it, so I guess we'll just have to deal with it. Once I start getting paid it's going to be easier and hopefully we'll reach that "every fourth week" plan from next year onwards.

Oh, and I got an early birthday present from rory! It was a really really good present. :) I meditate and I have a zafu for that at home. So she gave me one to be used here, too, because they're too big to be taking with me when I come here. :) She knows me so well and knows what's important for me. I love the present and I really love rory. <3
 
I'd like to write here; to get some clarity. I have so many thoughts, and I'm feeling so many things, it feels like a mess. I'll try to express something.

First, I'll describe our daily routine for a bit. Mya's been here for 4 days now; on Sunday all three of us hung out and went shopping together, but the other three I've mostly spent alone with Mya. This is since Alec has been working, and me and Mya have been able to do only little work/studying. Today's the first day I'm spending at the Uni this week. Basically, of the time awake, me and Mya have spent around 7-11 hours alone together on each of the three days; a few hours of all three together (cooking, eating, etc.) and I've spent 1-2 hours alone with Alec. I've slept with Mya 3 nights and one with Alec.

You can see the largest issue right there: I have had no alone time. It is really important need for me in everyday life, but it is magnified by the fact that all the time spent in any setting (me with Mya, me with Alec, or me with Mya and Alec) is seriously intense. I have absolutely nobody to blame but myself for the lack of alone time; I haven't wanted to take it since I'm so exited to see Mya after spending three weeks apart. But I'm starting to feel exhausted, big time. I'm thinking so much, and feeling so much, even in the course of one day; mostly positive, but some negative, too. I think I would need time to balance it out by just relaxing and thinking non-poly-related things, or rather just turning my brain off for a while by watching dvds or something. Otherwise, I start to feel really tired. Also, it makes me loose perspective for a bit, so that every feeling (whether mine or somebody else's) starts to magnify and becomes hard to handle.

Another thing I notice when I look at how the time is spent is that maybe that could be balanced better. The goal is to balance, on one hand, being fair and taking into account everybody's needs (of which I seem to have neglected my own) and, on the other, to having somewhat more time with Mya now that she is here. Originally I imagined that Mya and I would both have quite a bit of work and studying, and that would take up more time than it has, so that we would only be able to have maybe 2-3 hours alone during the day. So it made sense that I would sleep two thirds of the nights with her and one third with Alec, so that we would be able to have quality time in the evening, too. But with the time taken out of studying and work, we've had a lot of alone time, whilst Alec and I have had quite a little. So I don't know if it would be fair to adjust the sleeping schedules.. Then again, things are different both today (when I'm at Uni for the whole day) and tomorrow (when Mya will leave to meet her friend around 11, and I'll have some time to myself and for studying). Friday I'll spend the whole day with Mya again, but she leaves on Saturday morning, so I'll then have the whole weekend to spend with Alec.

I'm getting better at thinking about things more in terms of needs and less in terms of fairness, but I do find it important to strive for equal consideration of wants. Sometimes it's hard, though, to define what is fair...
 
We agreed today that rory is going to spend the next two nights with Alec, for several reasons, one of which is written above. I feel ok about it. We've had a lot of quality time together so it's fine not to have it as much during these couple of days, keeping in mind that we'll spend the whole Friday together.

For me it's sometimes difficult to put myself in someone else's shoes in this situation of ours. The possible problems are so different for all four of us: JJ has to spend time alone / apart from me. Alec has to deal with having me around a lot and not being able to spend as much time alone with rory as before. Rory has to balance time between me and Alec and like she just wrote, then she doesn't get enough time for herself. And me, I sometimes feel that the time rory isn't spending with me (although she has spent a lot) is somehow away from JJ. I mean, he's used to me being away at times and isn't really complaining, but sometimes I feel that if I'm not spending time with her, why am I even here, when I could be home with JJ.

That is the basic problem of not living in the same city. I'm sure things will even out when time passes. I won't be feeling like this, but hopefully more like this is my other home and we divide time like we think is best. I'll have to just accept that I'll be without JJ when I'm here and forget about the time "wasted" that I'm spending alone.

Then I have some news regarding this:
I think I've lost a friend because of being in a poly relationship. :( She wasn't a very close friend anyway, so it's not too bad. But I do feel sad that this is something that makes someone disappear from my life. She is a former coworker of mine, from the time when I was working abroad. We kept writing each other every once in a while after I moved away from that country. Nothing really deep though, just keeping up with what's happening in each other's lives. Well, when I wrote her to tell her about this new situation of mine, she never replied. She didn't even answer my questions about her life. I waited over a month and wrote her again, this time not mentioning rory or anything about poly. I just asked how she was doing etc. And she didn't reply to that one either. :( This was about two weeks ago so I guess that's it then, I give up.

This is the friend rory was referring to in her post, the one I'm seeing tomorrow! :) So I didn't lose her after all and what's even more amazing is that she's now living in the same city as rory. :eek: She has just moved here like a couple of months ago or something. What a coincidence!
 
Last edited:
I'll add some more information about the sleeping arrangement. I did some thinking after I posted and realised that I actually had a feeling that I wanted to sleep with Alec, and that the biggest motivation for it wasn't so much the fairness issue but the fact that I would have a longer night's sleep because he goes to bed a few hours earlier. I was feeling really tired, so more sleep was a good thing. Yesterday wasn't as intense emotionally, so today I'm feeling less tired. Also, right now I'm at home alone. I'll need to do some studying soon, but it's still good.

I wanted to write something about the (negative) emotions and the work we face. I'll focus on the three of us, since I have the most knowledge of our situations, Mya can add about JJ if she wishes to. :) As Mya said, the positions are quite different for all four of us. She wrote about the fact that she feels like she's "sacrificing" (for the lack of a better term) time from JJ when she's here, particularly if we're not spending the time here as "effectively" as possible. Rationally she doesn't think that, but the emotions are different. There have also been some worries about the future. She can write more about her side of things if she feels like it.

For me, most emotions relate to "being enough", that is, meeting the needs of both of my partners when the both of them are here. I do think I'm pretty good at taking both of them into account. What I need to work on is being concious of my own needs, making boundaries, and not letting others or myself violate them. Particularly the first part; I often don't realise I need something until it becomes a bigger issue than it needs to be. Earlier I also wrote about wanting everybody to have a good time, but that anxiety has passed altogether. I think it will still come up from time to time (might be more again when all four of us hang out), but for now it doesn't look like too big an issue.

The feelings that poly brings up for Alec, and which he has expressed to me, have been pretty similar from the beginning: the issues are the same, but there is definitely progress in terms of the intensity, and it seems also in terms of frequency (that is, it seems he has negative feelings for a smaller proportion of time than before, but I think that can be assessed better when more time has passed, and it's hard for me to tell because obviously I don't know all that goes on in his head). Mostly Alec's negative feelings relate to self-esteem. Low self-esteem is something that has been an issue for him for the whole seven-and-a-half years of my relationship with him, but in which there has also been huge improvement during that time. Obviously it's a very long time, but he is a completely different person from who he was in the beginning. Anyway, there still remains work to be done, and poly is good at bringing these things to the surface. Sometimes he has fears that I'll prefer Mya, but these he can rationally see as unrealistic himself, so it doesn't seem like it's too hard for him to get over them with a bit of reassurance. More often it's just that he feels like he's "too much" when we spend time as a group, whether it's the three or the four of us. This feeling is pretty frequent, I'd say it surfaces about every other or every third day at some point, but it usually doesn't last for the whole day but maybe for a couple of hours. I think the only thing that'll make changes in this is him working on his self-esteem, and also possibly time.

It makes Alec both happy and sad to see me in NRE with Mya: on one hand he's genuinely happy for me, and feels compersion for my happiness, on the other, he feels sad that he and I can't have that. Also, Alec has said before that it feels weird to sleep alone when I'm home, and he misses me a bit. But he hasn't mentioned those things very much this time (more when Mya visited us in the summer), so it actually may have subsided a little (otherwise I think he would've mentioned it more). And there's still a bit of poly-related oddness for him, which is about the fact that, as he says, "he doesn't want to make Mya feel bad by hugging/kissing me in front of her". This resulted in him avoiding my attempts to touch him, which lead to me feeling bad. However, we had a discussion about this a few days ago: first, I assured him that (as far as I know) Mya doesn't feel bad in a situation like that, and, secondly, I explained to him that even if she does it's not "him making her feel bad" but her own feelings which she needs to work through and not something he should try to avoid. To this he responded that he'll make an attempt to hug me even if it feels strange to him. And yesterday we did hug quite a many times during a few hours while Mya was in the same room, so there were instant steps on that front. :)

Wow. There's quite a bit, when you start to write stuff down (and I may have forgotten something). What I'm glad about is that all four of us, as far as I can tell, do their best to own their own feelings. Also, I'm really happy about all the communication that's happening. I think many of the issues are such that time will in itself make them easier, like the NRE effects, and everything that requires getting used to (that is, everything). Poly is quite difficult in that it brings up a lot of emotional issues, which may be big or small, and to the solving of which there are no guarantees. I guess you just have to remember that a lot of people have gone through similar things (and worse), be patient, and have trust in each person's motivation and ability to work through their own issues. There comes some fear of uncertainty with that, but there's also so much to gain, and so much to enjoy during the ride, and the knowledge that whatever the end will be, it will be for the best for everybody. :)
 
When writing about expressing love to Mya in front of Alec, I touched a bit on making agreements, and then later some more; and I've been pondering making agreements ever since. I see it here on the forum sometimes that while working at either opening up, or towards a poly relationship, people in the relationship make a temporary agreement about some issue. For example, there can be an agreement that no sex will happen until a year has passed, or that there will be no PDAs for the first six months of the newer relationship. The aim of this is to give time to the person who is dealing with jealousy (or other uncomfortable feelings) time to process.

I see that for some people this approach works very well, and some have used it to build wonderfully successfull poly relationships.:) I think sometimes it's also a good tool to use for slowing down if the whole thing is moving too fast, for example due to NRE. In no way do I find a request for time unreasonable, particularly if it is motivated by sincere will to work on things. Hypothetically I can also imagine a situation where I might do so: for example if I was starting a relationship with somebody who was very actively dating, I might ask that she not look for new connections for a small while until we'd had time to establish our relationship.

However, because I'm not against the approach in theory, I've been thinking about why I would feel disinclided to consider it as an option in my relationship with Alec, even if there was a single specific thing bringing up intense negative emotions to him. It's because I know him, and how he processes things. I think for that approach to work, i.e. to be effective in giving time for processing, I think the person needs to have a specific way of processing things. They need to actively think about the issue in question, even when it's not topical/actual, and make progress with it. The way Alec processes things is different: he actively processes things mostly when they are concretely happening. Like in our situation, when Mya and I are in an LDR, Alec mostly thinks about poly things when me and him are spending time with Mya or with Mya and JJ, and not so much at other times. I think there's a lot going on, especially unconciously, in between the times of active processing. But really the progress he makes comes in steps when the issue is present. This is why I don't think it would work for us to make a certain thing temporarily off limits, even if there were such a thing that raised very negative feelings. I think that as long as it were off limits, there would be very little or no process being made in terms of it. I think for a person with a processing style like that of Alec's, the only way to make progress is to concretely face the fears/discomforts and work through them. Therefore, I wouldn't easily consider temporary boundaries on any aspect important to my relationship with Mya. Rather, I would (and do) give Alec all the support I can, and attempt to be considerate towards his feelings while still not enabling him to avoid them all together.
 
Kudos on the hard work that all of you are doing!

A thought... have you guys considered the three of you -- M, R, and A -- occasionally sharing a bed? You certainly needn't do anything sexual, but it would solve the problem of splitting up nights. I slept platonically with a friend just the other night because she was crashing at my place for the evening and my bed is more comfortable than our couch.

Is the bed too small, would it bring up jealousy issues, or is there another reason not to just have Mya on one side of you and Alec on the other, at least now and then? One problem I can think of would be if she and he had very different sleeping schedules or styles. It also wouldn't work if you absolutely wanted to keep the possibility of sexual contact open.

I, personally, always found it difficult to fall asleep between Gia and Eric because of feeling like I shouldn't toss and turn too much when there was so little extra room, but I also found it really pleasant at the same time... I felt very warm and content sandwiched in the middle of two people I loved.

On an unrelated note, it would be really cool if either Alec or JJ wanted to pop on here now and them as "guest bloggers". :)
 
Thanks for the comment, Annabel! :)

A thought... have you guys considered the three of you -- M, R, and A -- occasionally sharing a bed? You certainly needn't do anything sexual, but it would solve the problem of splitting up nights.

There are several reasons why we aren't sharing a bed. One of them is our sleeping schedules, which differ quite a lot (Alec goes to bed early, I do that like 3 hours later and the same thing with waking up). But by far the biggest issue is that all three of us think of sleeping as something quite intimate that we only want to share with people we love or care for very deeply. I have slept in the same bed with platonic friends, but they are people I've known for a long time and feel comfortable doing that with. That doesn't apply to Alec and I'm sure he feels the same way about me. Another thing related to that thought of intimacy is that when I'm sleeping next to rory, I feel like we're sharing intimate time. For me sleeping together (just sleeping I mean) is in a way quality time together and if I shared it with Alec it wouldn't be so. Rory has said she feels the same way, that if she slept with both of us, she wouldn't have quality intimate time with either one.

But we do have a way of sharing some of the nights which I think is quite cool. :) Like I said, Alec goes to bed early. So when rory is sleeping with him, I go to bed alone. But Alec also wakes up really early (earlier than rory would normally wake up), so when his alarm goes off, rory wakes up too and comes to sleep next to me for the rest of the morning so that when I wake up, she's right there. :) I love that!

I felt very warm and content sandwiched in the middle of two people I loved.

I'm sure that in a situation like yours it would be nice, but I don't love him in that way and he doesn't love me so for us it would be a bit strange to sleep in the same bed.

Then the hugging/kissing in front of me that rory wrote about. I really don't mind at all when I see Alec and rory showing affection to each other. It actually makes me happy to see that. My biggest concern in this situation is that Alec is sometimes feeling bad and if I see him being happy and loved it makes me happy as well. :) I feel compersion but it also makes me feel more secure.

I have had some insecurity about my place in rory's life. It only comes up when she says Alec is feeling bad about something. I've read so many stories from this forum about people getting rid of their newer partners in order to keep their older one if the older one isn't happy with the situation. She has managed to convince me she isn't leaving me. Alec does not have a veto power or anything like that. Not that he's ever felt bad enough to even ask that anyway. The only situation where she would consider breaking up with me is if there's something wrong with us, with our relationship. So I've decided to stop worrying about that. :rolleyes: I trust her and I trust that Alec will get past his negative feelings. They are normal after all and it's not like he's only feeling negative about all things. He has had a lot of positive feelings as well.

I sometimes feel weird that we talk so much about Alec's, rorys' and my feelings about things but very rarely about JJ's. It's just that he doesn't seem to have problems about anything. Obviously he misses me when I'm not with him but that's what he would do if I were somewhere else as well and it's nothing new, it's not poly-related really. Sometimes he worries about money issues with me flying back and forth, but that's excactly why me and rory decided to not see each other as often this year than we originally planned. Me and JJ sort of keep our finances apart. Well, there have been times (quite long ones) when he has had to support me when I was studying for example or had a part-time job. But whenever I'm in a situation where I earn enough, we just split the shared expenses and spend the rest of our money like we want. So I just fly to rory if I can afford it, he shouldn't have to worry about it. If I didn't spend my money on plane tickets, I would just spend it on something else for myself so it isn't really away from him in any way.
 
Kudos on the hard work that all of you are doing!
--
On an unrelated note, it would be really cool if either Alec or JJ wanted to pop on here now and them as "guest bloggers". :)

Thank you :) I think there's a lot of value in having all viewpoints, it's great when all people involved can be on the forum. However, I doubt either of the men will be joining us. I know that Alec at least isn't really a forum person; he doesn't enjoy written communication at all.

About the sleeping arrangements, Mya described the way in which it works out for me to sleep a whole night with Alec, and then still half a night with Mya when Alec goes to work early. It's funny cause today it worked out the other way around, since I spent the night with Mya, and then went to sleep with Alec in the morning when Mya left to the airport. :p

So, now it's just me and Alec at home again. I actually have some time to spend on the Internet, so what to write about the week? :)

I don't need to tell you this, but poly sure has a way to make life intense and full of.. well, life. A new relationship is always pretty intense, merely due to the fact that it's new. Add to that all the openness, talking, managing of feelings and other stuff poly can bring to the established relationship, particularly when it's all new. Both together can be pretty overwhelming. :rolleyes:

Anyway, I'm feeling good. Really good, really happy. When we started poly, half a year ago, I was feeling happy in an unrealistic, euphoric, over-the-moon sort of way. Right now I'm feeling just as happy, but in a realistic, stable, content way. Full of love and so totally satisfied with the whole situation. :)

I feel that we've finally started it! The whole summer was so crazy and out of the ordinary (since me and Alec basically had no home, and Mya was also living away from JJ). But now we're all back to our everyday lives and back to "normal", sort of. And now that Mya made her visit here, first one of the many to come, I feel that finally I can get a glimpse of what our future will be like. I definitely like the view. :) We've been in a relationship in quite a commited way for several months. But now I can actually feel it, feel that I'm sharing my life with Mya, as I've been sharing it with Alec for a longer time. Feel her as my life partner in a more concrete way than I've felt before.

I totally enjoy the NRE-bubble thing, where everything seems perfect. But I get such a deep satisfaction from sharing everyday life. I've had such a craving for it with Mya, and it's amazing to get to do that. Happy happy. :)
 
Back
Top