Husband want me to chose between him and my bf

Would I be able to follow my own advice?

Jesus... the only thing I can hope is I never have to answer that. Curls and Freckles are my world. I can't see any scenario where things can go that bad, and I hope that I never do. However, I have been married to Curls for fifteen years and we have three daughters. If she told me tomorrow that I had to choose, I would choose her. It would be a horrific decision to make and I would never completely forgive her for putting me in such a position, but we have kids together and we have a very long history together whereas my history with Freckles is comparatively short. I recognize that as our relationship grows and matures, things will become more muddy in this respect, but for right now I would make the hard decision to switch things back to the way they were.

I'm so sorry you are in the position, and I hope that you can pull things through.

First off, let me say, it sounds like the three of you are in a good place and that's awesome. In all truthfulness, I am a bit envious. However, having been "Freckles" in a triad that didn't work, let me say if my guy had informed me that I had been so disposable in the event wifey became unhappy, there would have been no triad. I get that you know it would hurt like hell to dump Freckles, but you obviously have no freaking clue as to what it is like to be the person who is sacrificed. Being the only male in the triad, you will never be in that position, but try to picture yourself in a triad where you are one of two guys and disposable.

In my case, although wife did give him ultimatums, my guy refused to choose. He understood I was a live human being with genuine feelings and felt responsible and guilty as hell for inviting me into situation that turned to crap. That said, the situation was becoming untenable, and eventually, the wife did her own dirty work and asked me to leave.

Fast forward, a year after I left and two marriage counselor's later, the separated and are in the process of divorce, in spite of two children. Why? Not because of me - although wife likes to blame me - but because she wouldn't own her choices and behavior, couldn't understand why he couldn't simply unlove me, as if it was as easy as flipping a switch, and refused to communicate in order to reach any kind of mutual understanding. Apparently, she had a history of not owning choices and behavior, and not communicating before I ever entered the picture. Couldn't do it to save her marriage either.

And in case you are wondering, they have been separated over a year, and while he and I are slowly rebuilding our relationship, we live in separate cities and see each other about once per month. We both have had a lot of grief to digest, and right now, his main focus are his kids - as it should be.

But I will reiterate, if he had ever acquiesced to her ultimatum, there would be no relationship rebuilding at this point.

I hope Freckles knows that your choice is already predetermined if this scenario should arise.
 
Husband wans me to choose

Hoyam

You should go back and read Londons post a few more times. She hit it exactly right. I hate to break the news to you but you have NOT been in a poly relationship at all for the last 6-8 months. You have been in a poly-mono relationship where out of love for you your husband has gone along with your choices in order to try to make you happy. We have no information to suggest the poly thing was his idea at all.

No one is making any choices, Quite franknly you are going to make the choice between the father of your children, your future as you stated, and a guy in another country that it appears you have spend a few weeks with and a week vacation. Instead of being mad or resentful of your husband, you should be grateful that he has cared about you enough to explore this, which you apparantly did at such a rapid pace that in a very short time he finds himself on an equal footing with a stranger.

If you choose your husband, you might want to consider a therapist for you, not a poly friendly therapist to try to convince your husband to keep enduring the pain he is feeling, since I am guessing your husband is going to want all the skyping and phone calls to stop because if that continues you will surely choose to go cheat at some point.

And before this boyfriend comes across as Prince Charming or Sir Lancelot the knight in shining armor, have you asked him if he is willing to move you to his country, help or support you, and take in your children. Right now he has none of the pain, and all of the benefits (skyping, probably phone sex, validation of how great he is, and intimacy with you physically), without any of the responsibilities of your kids. And your kids that you brought into this world are not posting on this forum. And being a mom sometimes means you do not get everything you want, especially if some or all of it was caused by the way you pursued this relationship.

Again, as London stated, you do not like what is happening. But no one is making the choices for you
 
Right now your boyfriend is exciting.. Like another poster has said he is all the fun without the work that comes with a full time relationship. Basically he is like a vacation. With the boyfriend you probably have no responsibilities that come with adult life.

That fades...

If after going through some difficult situations with your boyfriend if you still feel the same way then maybe it would be time to move on.
 
I just wish i could be a loving mother and wife in my family and am able to enjoy the love i get and give to another sweet beautiful kind of love with my new found love.

You are not the only person in the polyship. The other 2 players have honestly told you what they want.

  • Husband -- gave it a shot, not for him if it keeps on like this. So... he's letting you know where he stands.
  • BF -- gave it a shot. Doesn't want to be tangled in the potential break up of a marriage, so he's bowing out to let y'all solve that first.

It's not what you want to hear, but they are being honest.

If husband's main objections were poly hell related and behaviors like

  • Stop texting with boyfriend while husband is right there
  • start spending equal time with husband and bf rather than mostly bf because he's the newbie
  • Stick to budget -- stop spending so much money on intercontinental calls because too impatient to wait for BF to get on skype

Sounds like husband wants you to be PRESENT when with him. Sound fair to me. Not much fun if your body is here with hubby but your head and heart are floating off elsewhere.

How has it been so far now that you are trying to better balance your time management as a hinge paying attention to two partners? I notice that you did not answer what makes you feel "alive" or "passionate" with husband.

Galagirl
 
Just because your partner says you "have to choose" doesn't mean you have to. You tell them right back, "I won't choose." His issues are his own and he has to deal with them from the inside. Glad you found a poly-friendly therapist.

agree with NYC. When I presented poly to my spouse, I told him I wouldn't not choose between him, and my boyfriend (became my boyfriend). If my husband decided to go mono, or my boyfriend for that matter, they know I AM poly. That is THEIR choice, it would be awful if my spouse left (we also have three kids and I love him dearly). But I can not force something I am not just to make him stay.

also "choosing" will only leave you heartbroken. you give up BF, husband is going to get someone sad and broken hearted
 
Your husband told you what he can no longer do or be part of; a poly marriage. He has not issued an ultimatum like leave him, or I will divorce you, right? He has simply reached his limit and knows that it is not for him. Let him make the best decision for himself. If he leaves, that is his right. He wants something you cannot give him. If he stays, he might start resenting you if things do not change.

If it is a matter of your conduct, that is still questionable. Would you be changing said conduct because you sincerely want to or because you think it will temporarily dissuade his dislike of things and enable you to keep both of them around? If he feels like you only feel obligated to be present, that will not help anything.

Tough spot, but at the end of the day, he should do what he feels is best and necessary for him to be happy. It may be the unpopular opinion because it takes the "choice" away from you, but life is too short to be miserable. I hope it works out for you all.
 
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agree with NYC. When I presented poly to my spouse, I told him I wouldn't not choose between him, and my boyfriend (became my boyfriend). If my husband decided to go mono, or my boyfriend for that matter, they know I AM poly. That is THEIR choice, it would be awful if my spouse left (we also have three kids and I love him dearly). But I can not force something I am not just to make him stay.

also "choosing" will only leave you heartbroken. you give up BF, husband is going to get someone sad and broken hearted

You'd both be making a choice. You'd be choosing your other partner and/or having polyamorous relationships, with or without your husband, and he would be choosing monogamy. Refusal to make the choice out loud and continuing all relationships is choosing polyamory. I'm not saying polyamory is a bad choice, obviously, but let's be honest about the fact the poly person chooses too. They choose not to practice or revert back to monogamy.
 
You'd both be making a choice. You'd be choosing your other partner and/or having polyamorous relationships, with or without your husband, and he would be choosing monogamy. Refusal to make the choice out loud and continuing all relationships is choosing polyamory. I'm not saying polyamory is a bad choice, obviously, but let's be honest about the fact the poly person chooses too. They choose not to practice or revert back to monogamy.

agreed, I chose poly. J. threatened to divorce me, I told him that was his choice but I wanted him to stay. He stayed, I was lucky. I love them both dearly and could never "choose" one man over the other. poly over mono yes, it feels like a different question to me
 
You are not the only person in the polyship. The other 2 players have honestly told you what they want.

  • Husband -- gave it a shot, not for him if it keeps on like this. So... he's letting you know where he stands.
  • BF -- gave it a shot. Doesn't want to be tangled in the potential break up of a marriage, so he's bowing out to let y'all solve that first.

It's not what you want to hear, but they are being honest.

If husband's main objections were poly hell related and behaviors like

  • Stop texting with boyfriend while husband is right there
  • start spending equal time with husband and bf rather than mostly bf because he's the newbie
  • Stick to budget -- stop spending so much money on intercontinental calls because too impatient to wait for BF to get on skype

Sounds like husband wants you to be PRESENT when with him. Sound fair to me. Not much fun if your body is here with hubby but your head and heart are floating off elsewhere.

How has it been so far now that you are trying to better balance your time management as a hinge paying attention to two partners? I notice that you did not answer what makes you feel "alive" or "passionate" with husband.

Galagirl

I agree with this stuff too. Having basically co-primaries, which I do, is hard work. I want them to BOTH feel fully satisfied, fully connected with me, and getting what they need out of the relationship with me. If I let one slip trhere is talking to do
 
I choose poly over mono. Actually-Maca and I were discussing this the other night. Because of a messy scenario with GG.
I love them both.
But if one leaves, that doesn't change that I am poly.
I don't agree to "commit to monogamy" as a default if one of them leaves the picture.

Maca did at one point tell me it was him or GG. I told him I love him-I will always love him. But I will not play that game. HE could leave if he chose, and I will respect HIS choice to do what HE needs to do. (he did leave for almost a year).
In the long run-he decided that it was a better life for him, to have me in it. So he returned and the door was open for him. Because I DO love him.
LIkewise, GG can leave. He has that freedom and so do I. We all have choosen to remain; for different reasons.
GG is mono. Maca is not mono but not inclined to deal with the drama that goes with trying to go out and date-yet. He's getting there, but he's not quite there. I am poly and I don't date.


You have to understand; YOU don't have to choose BETWEEN loving each of them. But you DO NOT get to choose if either of them stays or leaves. That is THEIR choice. Not yours. Your choice is to remain available to each or not.
 
Have any of those of you who are advising her to just tell her husband that if he chooses not to be part of this 6 month fling she is having with a guy in ANOTHER country figured out how she is going to support herself and her three kids. She has spent ONE WEEK VACATION with this guy and maybe a few weeks if that from her posts. It is her initial step into non monogamy and you are advising her to just tell him if he can';t accept it they'll just go their separate ways. On the basis on her limited experience in this lifestyle how are you all so convinced she is wired POLY or that as a few have sensibly said this is the excitement of a new relationship. And I guess it does not matter what the boyfriend love of her life can help out with or what guarantees she has that he will even be around if she tells him she is all his.

Or have any of you thought about that depending on the laws in her country she might be subject to the husband taking her kids from her as an unfit mother once he easily proves she is committing what most courts will call adultery once he ends the poly experiment. I guess none of that matters as long as the sacred alter of poly is upheld.

Unbelievable that you all put her needs before her responsibility as a mother.
 
Have any of those of you who are advising her to just tell her husband that if he chooses not to be part of this 6 month fling she is having with a guy in ANOTHER country figured out how she is going to support herself and her three kids. She has spent ONE WEEK VACATION with this guy and maybe a few weeks if that from her posts. It is her initial step into non monogamy and you are advising her to just tell him if he can';t accept it they'll just go their separate ways. On the basis on her limited experience in this lifestyle how are you all so convinced she is wired POLY or that as a few have sensibly said this is the excitement of a new relationship. And I guess it does not matter what the boyfriend love of her life can help out with or what guarantees she has that he will even be around if she tells him she is all his.

Or have any of you thought about that depending on the laws in her country she might be subject to the husband taking her kids from her as an unfit mother once he easily proves she is committing what most courts will call adultery once he ends the poly experiment. I guess none of that matters as long as the sacred alter of poly is upheld.

Unbelievable that you all put her needs before her responsibility as a mother.

I missed that bit, about the international thing. BUT...my reason still stands their marriage issue is whether she wants to be poly or can be happy being mono, regardless of this guy. she shouldn't do it for the guy, either of them.
 
If Butch came to me today and said it was him (my legal husband) or Murf. Butch would be told to hit the bricks.

After almost 2 years I have built a life with Murf.
 
I don't see how she can't be a responsible mother AND be poly. Many of us do that every day. For many of us, discovering the side of ourselves that is capable of loving others is life changing. You can't put the genie back in the bottle, no matter how hard you try. Suggesting that someone stop being true to themselves for any reason is wrong.

IF her husband can't accept her BEHAVIORS, that is something that can be changed. But if he can't accept her as a PERSON, with her newly discovered sense of self, that will lead to one or both of them resenting the other. Self realization can happen instantaneously or over the course of years. Some people can't handle the realization that their spouse is not the same person that they married - this can be from discovering poly, to getting a new hobby, finding religion, losing religion, changing political beliefs, etc. Sometimes the "new" person and the spouse are incompatible and it is healthier if they accept that. It isn't about choosing one or the other or the "lifestyle", but about choosing to be true to themselves. Part of being true to yourself is accepting the consequences of your behaviors and not accepting the "consequences" of other people's "shoulds".
 
I don't see how she can't be a responsible mother AND be poly. Many of us do that every day. For many of us, discovering the side of ourselves that is capable of loving others is life changing. You can't put the genie back in the bottle, no matter how hard you try. Suggesting that someone stop being true to themselves for any reason is wrong.

IF her husband can't accept her BEHAVIORS, that is something that can be changed. But if he can't accept her as a PERSON, with her newly discovered sense of self, that will lead to one or both of them resenting the other. Self realization can happen instantaneously or over the course of years. Some people can't handle the realization that their spouse is not the same person that they married - this can be from discovering poly, to getting a new hobby, finding religion, losing religion, changing political beliefs, etc. Sometimes the "new" person and the spouse are incompatible and it is healthier if they accept that. It isn't about choosing one or the other or the "lifestyle", but about choosing to be true to themselves. Part of being true to yourself is accepting the consequences of your behaviors and not accepting the "consequences" of other people's "shoulds".

Thank you for putting this so well :)
 
Both of the last two posters have projected their experiences and beliefs on to the thread. How you all can be so cinvinced this less the six months ago or eight months ago a lightning bolt hit her and as a person she is now poly for life and a totally new person. Again, her reality experience with this boyfriend amounts to less than probably a month of anything other than SKYPE and phone calls, and on that basis she is a new person. What about some therapy for her to find out really what is going on with her.
No one said you cannot be a good mother and be poly. Tell me how that is possible if you have the potential to wind up without your children in another country. Do any of you have the answers to if they split and she winds up with the kids how she supports them.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Some of you want to attack any one who disagrees. I am probably older than most of you and have been exposed to some form of non monogamy since before some of you were born. I don't believe I have all the answers and just because something is working for you does not mean you do either. The fact is that the OVERWHELMING number of people who enter into poly or swinging or other non monagomous relationships do so for the wrong reasons and do NOT live long term happily ever after.
Hoyams scenerio will play itself out. My guess is she will take your advice and be a single mom because it is what she wants to hear. I think London told her that also. Lets see if she can pay her bills, keep her children safe, and be a happy poly person if she is unable to change her husbands mind and tries to jam this down his throat.
The safer move for her is to if necessary surpress the poly feeling for a little while, and maybe try it again once her husband gets over the way she conducted herself during this initial experiment. No one says it is forever, and this love of her life boyfriend it a totally unknown entity as far as permanance as far as anyone know.
 
Sexist much frisky?

Women in this day and age make as much as men or even more than their husbands.

How do you know she would be unable to care for her children solo?

I was a single mom for 7 years and supported my oldest son and myself SOLO in the shadow of Chicago. No child support, gov't assistance, or etc.

I actually make more money than either one of my husbands. I work two jobs actually. I would be just fine if something happened to either one or both.
 
friskyone4u - It sounds like you are projecting onto the OP and assuming that she'd just leave her kids and country for her boyfriend. As sexist as it sounds, most countries will give custody to the mother regardless of who's fault a divorce is. I have witnessed this many times with friend's going through divorce. A friend of mine even had his wife come to him after 2 years of marriage and say that they were now in an open marriage. Five months later, she was pregnant with the other man's child. Not only does he have to pay for the divorce, but she got custody - he gets their daughter (now 6) 2 days a week and he pays child support. His cheating wife got pregnant twice by the other guy before the courts would approve a divorce. His ex-wife is a stay at home mom and her new guy doesn't have a job. My friend lost his job and has to pay all of his unemployment to his ex-wife to support her and their daughter (but in reality her entire new family).

Seems like she made out pretty well in my opinion. Mind you, my friend would have been fine with poly (and is now poly) if only his ex-wife would have discussed it with him before cheating and getting pregnant. It was the lies and expecting him to bail her out of bad situations she got into with guys that made him end it.
 
Dagferi

No I am not sexist. You made my point. Do you know if she makes more than her husband? I don't from what she has posted. If she does that is great, and opens up many more options because it eliminates any worry about taking care of her kids. Then whatever she wants she can have. But until you know that is the case advice should be tempered with some caution. No one on this thread has enough information on Hoyams circumstances to be telling her to let her husband go because after one boyfriend she is POLY for life and hard wired to be that way forever. All we know is that she is madly in love (you can call it that if you want to) with a guy that 99% of the people on earth would call a fling. You and your partners probably spend more time together in a month than they have during their entire adventure.

So I'll say it again to clarify. POLY MOMs can be GREAT mothers. Not if they lose their kids or can't support them. And until that is confirmend that she can, the children come FIRST.
 
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