Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

Our kids story

My husband and I became involved in a triangle relationship with our unicorn well established in our marriage and lives. Our oldest is 15 and had the hardest time with the introduction of our girlfriend, however the younger children (8 and 11) didn't seem to bat an eyelash as she was introduced to the kids early on and made to feel part of the family.
We involved the kids in the relationship change seeing as it could change their lives as well as our own. For example we went out to eat and watched movies and played games with them just as if she was part of the family. We have had very close family friends before that were not involved in our relationship, and the younger children simply saw this as the same.

Our oldest being of dating age and doing a bit of soul searching herself saw the truth easily without us ever having to discuss the sexual nature of the relationship, which in our opinion is not their concern because we have raised them to be very open and understanding.
After talking with our daughter however and explaining that our friend made us happy and that it was about more than just sex, she understood and just as the others grew very close to our girlfriend, and that was all it took.

When mom and dad are happy the children usually follow suit if you keep an open relationship with them, not to mention that it is a good example to show the kids to love and grow and to not be ashamed of who you are and who you love.

However, we did have that small fear in the back of our minds that something could happen, someone outside who didn't understand could cause some kind of scene. We were careful to not be obvious in public, we kept the serious part to ourselves. But luckily nothing like that ever happened & even though the relationship is over she still does activities with us, just as several other of our friends do, the only one who knows something has changed is our oldest, who does understand the loss & knows mommy & daddy are hurt.
Our hope is that it will be taken as a lesson in life, one we learned with her as a family.
 
children and being poly

Im very new to this world..

Im not even out as bisexual to the world yet but think about it daily..

I dont want to hide that any more..

recently me and my boyfriend found this amazing girl..

she is super..

I think it would work long term with her..

she is everything we could ever want..

I dont see it as just sexual.

In the past Ive never had 3 somes Ive had a relationship with a man and a seperate one with a woman..the guy im with now its all or nothing..

Its an adjustment but Im getting use to it..

My biggest question is my 2 year old seeing mommy with or kissing a woman..I think for this to be sucessful it cant be a secret to my child..because she is so young will it just become the normal or how should I handle it..
 
Im not out at all...That makes things very hard.

I never do anything inappropriate with my boyfriend in front of her..

The most we do is kiss in front of her even..

We live together..

I dont think I will ever even kiss my girlfriend in front of her...I wouldnt want her saying mimi mommy kisses H....

Its pretty new right now guess I will cross that brige when I get to it..but I sooooo appreciate everyones imput..
 
My mom took it ok, because she knew there were strong feelings between me and my neighbor for many years leading up to this. She said I was out of my mind for thinking my husband was really going to be ok with it, though. And -- she was right, at times Sundance was NOT ok with it. And she thinks he walks on water, and does not want to see our family break up, so she was really concerned for him. Unfortunately, this came out at one of those low times, when Sundance was feeling insecure and afraid Butch and I were secretly conspiring to run away together (we weren't, at all, but he was scared).

My daughter is still not speaking to me. I realize she is just afraid we will get a divorce and her ideas of "home" and "security" will be shaken to the core. She is also very worried that the younger kids will have to go through a divorce. (This is my second marriage, so she went through one when she was 14, and loves my husband and thinks of him as a father).

We aren't getting a divorce! In fact, or marriage has grown stronger and our love, deeper.

My 23 year old knows -- she is very easy-going and understanding, but I keep the details to a minimum. Both the older girls live in New York City, so it's not a part of their everyday life, anyway. Our 4 youngest kids have no idea. Butch has 4 kids, and his are friends with ours, and we all feel that would be very difficult for them to understand. His ex is a HATER, who would twist it into something horrible to the kids. We don't need that.

But I do dream of the day when we can all hang out together. Maybe some barbeques this summer :) I can't imagine being physical with Butch in front of any of the kids though. That would be very strange. Except for hugs, I guess, because I hug everybody!

My oldest daughter is very conservative. It's my fault, partially -- I raised her that way! She is the only one who went to a Catholic all-girls high school. I had her when I was 15, so I think she was more influenced by my mom than by me, actually. My mom is a devout Catholic. But -- she is pretty cool. My oldest has always wished she had a "normal" upbringing, instead of a teenage mother and going through a divorce when she was 14, she hated that. She wanted the "Perfect Family." She has ISSUES. Now I am waiting for her to start her own "perfect family." I just can't wait to see how she accomplishes that! I'm being sarcastic. In truth, I really do hope she creates a life for herself that is more in line with her wishes. But that doesn't mean I am going to spend one minute of my time feeling guilty for living MY life, and loving who I love.
 
Now I am waiting for her to start her own "perfect family." I just can't wait to see how she accomplishes that! I'm being sarcastic. In truth, I really do hope she creates a life for herself that is more in line with her wishes.

I know full well that my mom felt the same way and I don't begrudge her that at all because I'm just waiting for the day when my 15 year old becomes a parent and has to deal with a smart ass teenager that refuses to do homework.:p I have gone to my mom more than once and said "I don't know how you did it".
 
two year olds won't really know the difference between kissing your cat or kissing your girlfriend. Provided you aren't making out. If you are confident in your love, then so will they be. Homophobia is taught. If you don't teach it they won't know to be.

It will become normal. My boy thinks it is and we have been poly his whole life... we just decided to not make a big deal about it and keep letting him know that he can love anyone he wants, any gender and how ever many he wants to. he has always known that and always will :)
 
I often wondered what sort of discrimination kids of poly parents face. I think they can be raised to feel that poly is normal, but I wonder how they feel when they go to school and learn that most people's parent's are mono.
 
Having children in a triad/vee

I did search for this but most of what I found was about preexisting children (actually my husband does have 4 of those but they are with us mainly on weekends). And I saw the thread "new babies" but our situation is different so I decided not to post there.

I almost wrote "having children in a tree" because we are in a gray area between triad and vee. It's a triad in terms of love and a vee in terms of sex, although this could change. Our girl is still on the opposite coast but will be moving back in August, and moving in with us not right away but probably soon. She and my husband want children together. This was hard for me to accept at first, especially since I wanted at least one too, but wasn't sure if I'd be able to (I am 37 and have a few health problems). But I did begin to adjust to the idea, and then....I got pregnant! I'm now almost 10 weeks.

We have a vision of raising children cooperatively....I guess kind of like a Mormon or other polygamous family. I'm 100% certain that our girl is not a cowgirl, and that her love and concern for me is genuine. So I was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts, or stories about this kind of arrangement, or ideas about how to make it work smoothly. I know it's all in the very early stages but right now I'm optimistic and excited. :D
 
Update: Our kids' reactions

Hi all,

I'm trying to catch up a bit on the forum since it's been a while and I realized reading this thread that I never shared how our kids reacted. Well, it was like a non-event. It was literally like "yeah, so, what's for dinner?" :) We've talked about it many times since and they continue to be un-phased. DW's gf is here at least 1-2 days a week and is part of the family. Our youngest, now 5, will say things like "that's because you love her right, like you love mom?". Also, one time when I was going somewhere with her, he asked if she and I were going to get married.

Our kids have always been very accepting, as we are, so that is likely a factor, but I for one am so glad we are being open and honest with them!

Good luck to anyone considering the options!
 
I'm crazy about kids. I love being around them. Many times I prefer playing with them to boring adult yadda-yadda. I fancy myself somewhat popular among little people.

That's why I'm super-scared of getting involved in a poly-family with kids, because I think children really need totally reliable adults in their lives. I try very hard not to confuse them. So it's hard to hear comments like 'When is Blackie leaving?' or 'I like Blackie more than grandma'.

Haven't read through the entire thread, but what happens when a poly-family breaks up? What do you say to the kids? How to show them you still love them although you can't come over so often anymore?
 
Haven't read through the entire thread, but what happens when a poly-family breaks up? What do you say to the kids? How to show them you still love them although you can't come over so often anymore?

Yeah, I want to know about this too. My daughter (age six) is becoming attached to T-Rex (my bf). I am allowing their relationship to develop naturally. I want them to figure out how they want to relate to each other, without forcing things into a predefined shape. This weekend, when we were all on vacation together, she took his hand a couple times, chatting with him while they walked together. He loves kids and talks with her with focus and interest, and he has a delightful sense of fun.

My little girl is prone to forming strong attachments and to grieving loss very deeply. She is currently in therapy for grief of the loss of her grandma and grandpa, among others. While I am strong and feel no need to guard my heart from loss, as that would interfere with my ability to feel fully for T-Rex, she has had a history already of having a hard time coping with loss.

Things are going beautifully in my vee, but I know that there's a possibility that T-Rex might need to move on someday. He would make a great dad, would love to have kids, and I can't give that to him.

So I worry about that. Any tips for easing the transition would be empowering and would help set my mind at ease, even though the situation is purely hypothetical at this point.
 
I would think you'd need to deal with it the same way you deal with any separation, even in a monogamous relationship. I'd look into advice they give to mono couplings who divorce, for instance, it seems to me a lot of it would still apply in similar ways.

I think it would probably be important for the child or children to be able to keep a relationship with the partner who "breaks apart" even if neither parent does.
 
Children are people first, children second.
Like any other person they have a right to love who they wish.

Just because you break up doesn't give you a right to terminate the child's relationship.

They key is to treat each other (adults) with respect and honor, allow the children freedom of contact and to maintain loving relationships with children regardless of how your adult relationships fall out.

I've found this easy to do, other people, well they just can't get off the control horse I guess.

It helps a lot if you learn how to be friends with your exes.
 
I agree with LR in that kids are people first. Its my job as LB's parent to make sure he continues relationships with people even if I don't. This is something we talked about before Mono moved in. I needed to know he would stay in LB's life and he needed to know that I would facilitate that. I keep everyone I have ever allowed close to me in my life and that is evident. He keeps the kids of his ex wifes best friends close to him and continues to visit them about once a month. Family of all kinds is important to both of us, regardless of relationships ending. I think that its really important to pick a family that actively has the same values. Playing lip service to that is different than being actively involved with ex loves.

Btw, kids often say they love someone over someone else. Its there way of saying they are having a good time, because they feel good in the moment. Often they don't have the words to express that they are and feel it as loving someone more. Its important to put it into context for them when they express their love and echo back to them the words to use, like saying, "you are having a really good time, aren't you."
 
Playing lip service to that is different than being actively involved with ex loves.
VERY TRUE.

My oldest is still closely in touch with damn near every person I've ever dated. Several of them were at the hospital when the grandbaby was born.

My younger kids know the ones who still live near us, because they come over and visit and we go see them.

If you are careful about who you become involved with, there's rarely a reason to "hate" each other when you find out that you are no longer compatible as lovers. It's possible to AT THE VERY LEAST remain congenial with one another.

And

If you ensure that you don't bring lovers into your life that aren't great for your kids-there's no reason to allienate them from the kids if and when you stop being lovers.
 
I often wondered what sort of discrimination kids of poly parents face. I think they can be raised to feel that poly is normal, but I wonder how they feel when they go to school and learn that most people's parent's are mono.
I think that if you encourage in them a strong sense of worth, of love, and of understanding for those who are different, and encourage their strength of character, you can see through the troubles.

There will always be prejudices. Teach your kids about them. If you know some children who are likely to face prejudice for other reasons than your own, encourage the friendship. Once they're friends for some time, you might have a conversation something like (but don't force it):

You: "Well, you know that some people don't think that Sally is worth having as a friend, because she's got Down's Syndrome (or is an immigrant who doesn't speak the language perfectly - or whatever the case). But - you know? - when she gives me that big smile every time she sees me, I'm so glad that she's my friend!"
Your child: "Yeah! Me too!... Some people can be so stupid."
You: "I don't know if they're stupid. Maybe they just never had the luck to get to know Sally well. But it is pretty stupid to make up your mind about somebody that you don't even know..."

Once your child has defended somebody else' right to be different, it'll help them not to feel like such a victim if they ever face prejudice. (And, of course, you'll be there for them.)

+++

I have this story I never tire of telling: A friend of mine got pregnant quite young, before she realised/accepted that she was lesbian, had a boy child as a single mother. Her father had his suspicions about her, but no certainty. At one point he told her sister (who did know about my friend's sexuality and passed the comment on): "If I were sure that she was a lesbian, I'd go to court and get them to give me custody of the boy. She wouldn't be a fit mother."

[I have met this man once when he travelled with his wife from their home-country to the country where their daughter and grandson were long-term visiting (in the shared house where I lived - I met them {mother and son} when they moved in, when he was 5+ {he had his 6th birthday at our house}). He (the grandfather) was one of the most unfit people to have custody of a child that I've ever had lunch with. He had this big paunch, and wouldn't stop sniping at his wife about her weight. ("Gotta watch what you eat! You're getting fat." - ;)to the rest of us) He didn't put any limits on the amount that he was tucking away! Putting his wife and daughter down in front of - to him - total strangers, ;)ing as if we found his offensive jibes witty.]

They (mother and son) moved back to their home country (a rather macho one) and she brought him up - through a succession of lesbian relationships, with and without support - to face the jibes of the ignorant. We've maintained contact over the years, they've each separately visited me - far too seldom for my taste. (I think that he made his first visit across the ocean alone - to visit mainly an ex-girlfriend of his mother's (the one that she was with when we all shared a house) - when he was 15.) He's one of the finest young men that I know and I've told them both that they have every reason to be proud of each other.

And I don't tire of telling people that she's the most fit mother of my acquaintance.

Not a poly story, but the parallel's there.
 
My kids have always been taught that prejudice is caused by ignorance. If you want to kill prejudice, educate, educate, educate.

We haven't had issues with people treating our kids badly-in spite of me being a teen mom (pregnant at 15). Single mom til she was 6. Came out when she was 2 as bisexual-dated a woman for a year.
Continued to see the woman on the side while in an open relationship with a man, also had 3'somes with his best friend on the side over the course of that 4 year relationship-NONE of this being "secret".
shrug.
It's all in how YOU act, what you teach your kids through your actions (be bold and brazen or hide out in the closet like there IS something wrong with what you are doing) and who YOU choose to surround yourself with in my opinion.
 
Btw, kids often say they love someone over someone else. Its there way of saying they are having a good time, because they feel good in the moment. Often they don't have the words to express that they are and feel it as loving someone more. Its important to put it into context for them when they express their love and echo back to them the words to use, like saying, "you are having a really good time, aren't you."

Yep, and I think this particular incident was brought by a combination of the excitement of novelty, wanting to ensure I was going to stick around and realizing I wasn't going to make him do chores :D!
 
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