Hi all....

OkNewbs

New member
Glad to have found this site. My DH & I have been kicking around the idea of opening things up for quite a while now, as I'm very curious. Hoping to learn the ropes quickly.
 
Hi and welcome,


Are you both historically fast learner,... Good communicators and opened minded? If so.....you won't have a problem.

Good luck D
 
Thanks, D!

We're both rather quick on the uptake. ;)

We are very open-minded & communication is VERY important to us, especially now that we've decided to test these particular waters!

S
 
Well great .....then it should take 5-7 business days:D. Same as standard ground shipping.


I'd start reading all the different stories here to get an idea of the future you face.

Good luck to you both..:)
 
Smart ass. :D

I've done tooonnnnnssss of looking. :) Before the decision, when deciding on rules & still goin. Thanks tho. ;)
 
That's really a good approach and that puts you ahead of most.

And yes, you got me....but I have to say I much prefer being called a smart ass than a dumb ass:D
 
Haha! Showing this to DH! Not neurotic, just a planner!

I have to agree. Besides, how does one survive without humor?!
 
Are you saying he hasn't done as much reading yet?

How did opening up your marriage come about?

How long have you been married, any kids?

Are you or he dating yet? If so how's that goin

Keep track of that sense of humor you may need it from time to time with this new journey.
 
He does read if I show him something. And we discuss anything I find. He's just not a digger.

Actually, it came about while trying to heal the marriage from emotional infidelity. That was 1.5 years ago. I couldn't figure out how to forgive, so was looking online for others' stories & came across an open marriage story. At first, I brought it up to him out of almost desperation. "If I'm failing somehow, then you have my permission to fill in the blanks with someone else" type scenario. We've come a long way since then. Now - for me & I think him - it's more a personal heartfelt choice. Yes, in part it's to make sure the other is completely satisfied in all aspects.

We've actually only been married about 2 years, but it's hard to remember that. It's super cheesy, but we both feel like we've been together forever - in a good way! :)

We do have 1 daughter (18m) and that's a huge concern for me. I posted in General Poly Discussions about that in depth.

Neither of us have acted on anything yet. He actually would like to try a casual shared fling before deciding if it's really for him. He says in theory it's ok (but no men for me, just women), but he would have to truly decide in the moment. Since he's obviously not sure about it, I am not doing anything either. IDK if he's just overwhelmed with such a radical idea, or if he's agreeing to this selflessly & has no interest, or anything along that spectrum. I love him with everything I have, so I'm not going to do anything to hurt him, even if it means I sacrifice a bit of myself along the way.
 
He says in theory it's ok (but no men for me, just women), but he would have to truly decide in the moment. Since he's obviously not sure about it, I am not doing anything either. IDK if he's just overwhelmed with such a radical idea, or if he's agreeing to this selflessly...
"No men, only women" for you. That isn't selfless. Just the opposite.
 
My apologies. He has a lot of reservations about me being intimate (physically or otherwise) with another man. We've discussed it & it mostly stems from fear of losing me. I told him I can & will respect those boundaries.
 
To be save I'd say he better get prepared for the eventuality of you wanting to be with men. A couple reasons for that. 1...the inherent double standard. And the lack of a good argument after the fact. 2. ...love is love ...with out gender. 3. Love and feelings ....(loving feeling).. they get rolling and not something that can be controlled. Love gets in the air 4. Slippery slope.


Do you think that the emotion infidelity has been healed? What did the 2 of you do to get past that?
 
I agree love doesn't necessarily apply to one gender or the other for all people. He is very straight, so he doesn't quite get loving men & women both, but he tries to. I think in time he may become more ok with the idea of men, he's not there now though. I feel like it's rooted in fear & maybe a little jealousy. That's something I cannot push, or I may cause resentment for one or both of us. But I believe (naively?) that if he is shown thru baby steps that I love him, always will, and have no desire to leave, he may come around.

Can you explain "slippery slope?" In what ways?

I think it has been healed as much as possible. He still has worries about telling me things sometimes. He worries I may think interactions mean more than they do, or I'll emotionally react instead of processing it first. That is an issue I'm working on & believe can only be proven by testing. His reluctance to share things at times, can nudge my suspicious nature, but I'm honest with him about it & explain my thoughts/feelings at the time.

A week or so ago we had a discussion & it was clear he was keeping something back, but I had no idea what it was. I explained to him that I could see something was eating at him & I don't like not knowing what's going on because it makes me suspicious. "If it wasn't a big deal, there's no reason not to tell me. So it makes me feel like there's something major you're hiding." We do tend to have that talk on a fairly regular basis, but it's always due to something minor or that can't be helped. The instance I just mentioned was worry over an upcoming promotion. Nothing to hide from me, he just didn't want to put more on my plate than I already had to deal with.

We are both young, and he had a fairly sheltered upbringing with minimal stresses. Not that he was pampered or anything, but he didn't have to be an adult before his time, if that makes sense. I had the opposite and was forced to grow up very quickly. Due to that difference, there are some adjustments & learning that continue to happen & I'm sure always will. People, situations, life, ideals... everything changes, and you have to change as well or get left behind. I mean to say, we are a work in progress & we always will be.

I'm just trying to figure out how to work together to make sure we're both as fulfilled & happy as possible, while minimizing casualties.
 
In my opinion it's really really difficult to stop these snowballs once they start rolling down the hill. Once you walk through that door coming back could be impossible for one or both.

Your first paragraph reinforces the point I was trying to make ...that's the slope ....baby steps ...slowly acclimate or desensitizing and he may come around. The goal would be 100% equality and him coming around. I'm saying he should know that's the long term goal and any all negotiations have that under current. I thought it might make it easier or less painful to just acknowledge the eventual truth.
 
I've noticed something around the board in siggys & am beginning to wonder if maybe it'd be more our speed... Is it truly possible to have one mono partner & 1 poly, without things falling apart??
 
Yes it's possible ....and yes it's been done. Does it have a high success rate? I don't think so. Lots of factors to muck things up.

I think when it works its personality driven.

Which one of you would remain mono?
 
IF that was how it went down, he would be mono. But IDK if he really is, or is just scared to be different, or upset me, or damage our relationship... etc etc.
 
As one of those mono/poly sigs- in my experience the mono person has to be poly-supportive and agree that it is possible for some people to love more than one person at a time without it being cheating (as opposed to just tolerating a situation in order to not lose a relationship with the poly person). In my hubby's case, his brain just (so far) doesn't leave him the option of loving more than one person. He can be attracted to other people, but thus far I'm the only person he's ever fallen in love with. If that were to ever change, just because I'm poly myself doesn't mean it'd be any easier for me to get used to the new situation. TGIB and I are both poly but we both have times of feeling envy, at least, and wanting more time and not wanting to share, etc. From my pov the success or failure in most relationships, mono or poly, comes down to all parties being willing to put in the time and effort to find whatever answers/solutions will work. But you can't MAKE the other people put in that time and effort- you can only be willing to yourself and just hope that everyone else is also willing to. It's kind of a lot to take on faith, if you think about it. I think admitting that lack of control is hard for a lot of people- like somehow if YOU do all the right things/make all the right decisions (yeah, right, but for the sake of argument) then the situation should automatically work out because of how hard YOU tried and how much effort YOU put in, but ultimately it doesn't work that way.

Sorry, this ended up a little more negative than I intended, but I wish you the best of luck! (I have a 5 year old and a 16 month old, so I totally understand your worry about your kiddo but didn't have any answers to offer since I'm in the middle of it myself!)
 
As one of those mono/poly sigs- in my experience the mono person has to be poly-supportive and agree that it is possible for some people to love more than one person at a time without it being cheating (as opposed to just tolerating a situation in order to not lose a relationship with the poly person). In my hubby's case, his brain just (so far) doesn't leave him the option of loving more than one person. He can be attracted to other people, but thus far I'm the only person he's ever fallen in love with. If that were to ever change, just because I'm poly myself doesn't mean it'd be any easier for me to get used to the new situation. TGIB and I are both poly but we both have times of feeling envy, at least, and wanting more time and not wanting to share, etc. From my pov the success or failure in most relationships, mono or poly, comes down to all parties being willing to put in the time and effort to find whatever answers/solutions will work. But you can't MAKE the other people put in that time and effort- you can only be willing to yourself and just hope that everyone else is also willing to. It's kind of a lot to take on faith, if you think about it. I think admitting that lack of control is hard for a lot of people- like somehow if YOU do all the right things/make all the right decisions (yeah, right, but for the sake of argument) then the situation should automatically work out because of how hard YOU tried and how much effort YOU put in, but ultimately it doesn't work that way.

Sorry, this ended up a little more negative than I intended, but I wish you the best of luck! (I have a 5 year old and a 16 month old, so I totally understand your worry about your kiddo but didn't have any answers to offer since I'm in the middle of it myself!)

Thank you for the reply!
It all makes sense, and is kind of where I'm at with it all. Just wish there was more I could do! Haha.
As far as poly-supportive, I think DH wants to be, but I still have my questions about what's really going on... so in a holding pattern for now.
 
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