Help - my wife is moving too fast!

I whole heartedly agree with BU (doing a lot of that today!). Poly will not make up fot any problems in your relationship, rather it will expose and exacerbate them. If you want to set up something that will work for you guys and for any new partners, you've got to be on the firmest possible footing.
 
I whole heartedly agree with BU (doing a lot of that today!).

Ahh, I think it's time to cut the crap, Anne - BlackUnicorn and AnnabelMore are actually the same poster who is just desparate to feel validated online, even if just by herself :D!
 
Ahh, I think it's time to cut the crap, Anne - BlackUnicorn and AnnabelMore are actually the same poster who is just desparate to feel validated online, even if just by herself :D!

Bwahaha, and we spend so much time making up enough material to fill two blogs that we don't actually have any relationships irl. :D
 
She wants more than just you !

I have been married more than once and one of them was a real hot young lady.
We had an affair when she was married to someone else and which ended up with her divorcing him to marry me.That was great and I felt really lucky until she started wanting to go out and so on.You probably get he picture right now and although she never talked about it I was obvioulsy not the only man that was sleeping with her.
If you are in love with someone an open marraige is not really a good idea as it will hurt but if you only care for them even love them it can work.That was the case with her so she went out a played a bit while I took on mistresses over the years.We were married for over 10 years until yes I fell deeply in love with one of those young ladies I had been dating.
I divorced my wife and married the mistress , so yes I am eternally happy but when you play with fire your fingers can get burnt.This is what happened to my ex wife and everyday I feel a bit bad about.The concept of multiple partners/ lovers within the bounds of a marraige is fine but remember she might fall in love and divorce you.My moral is if you are out of your depth get out and fast.
 
@gafats43- cheating and having affairs is not poly... that's pretty confirmed I think. I'm trying to understand your point... I'm not sure how much you have read here, but most of us are above board and working on managing many relationships at once that are known and consensual... Have I missed something here? Please explain more about the advice you are giving?
 
I'm glad that Mrs Cheeshead was able to write such a detailed history. It conveys a lot of the frustration that we've experienced in living the "American Dream". We fell in love in the college lifestyle and have spent our time as "grown ups" wondering what happened to the good old days.

An interesting thing happened to me wednesday when Mrs Cheesehead told me that the co-worker wasn't going to follow through. It's true I felt relieved. But I also felt pain for her and all that she's going through in being rejected. I'm certainly not at a point to get excited for her being with someone else, but you have to start somewhere, right?

Right now, it seems like she's processing a lot of feelings. It seems unclear if she has any energy left in our relationship after living the American nightmare with me for 2-3 years.
 
What lies beneath

I wonder if there is a higher incidence of ADD among polys than the general population. The condition is erroniously named. The problem is not so much primary innattentiveness, but that we are overstimulated by too many things in our immediate orbit. When something or someone grabs our attention though we tend to hyperfocus (incredible NRE?) sometimes to the detriment of our other interests or relationships and our general well being. Impulsiveness and feelings of restlessness and being trapped are also common which can lead to rash decisions. This anxiety can be so overwhelming that circular reasoning sets in and it feeds itself. In the partner not seeking or experiencing a new relationship it can lead to feelings of jealousy and fear of loss. Maybe recognizing and dealing with the underlying condition can improve and strengthen alot of relationships. Any thoughts? Anyone heard of any studies on the subject?
 
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ADD . . . The problem is not so much primary innattentiveness, but that we are overstimulated by too many things in our immediate orbit. When something or someone grabs our attention though we tend to hyperfocus (incredible NRE?) sometimes to the detriment of our other interests or relationships and our general well being.
ADD manifests differently in women than it does men and boys. Women and girls are more often affected by the inattentive type of ADD. So you can't really generalize about symptoms for everyone who has ADD. However, I don't see how this relates to the OP or this thread, since there was no mention made of ADD. It just seems they have some communications issues and areas in which they are not as compatible as others.
 
Mr &Mrs. Cheese

Was there a honeymoon phase or period? Did these issues ever come up prior to getting married?


Brett Farve ....Genius or asshole scumbag traitor? All cheese heads I know take this very seriously......so seriously that depending how you both answer this could be the actual cause of your martial problems.....let's hope not because no therapist in cheese land has the insurance to take these cases anymore.
 
I agree with the previous posters. Poly won't fix any of your problems. In fact, it will highlight and magnify everything that is wrong with your relationship. If you feel your relationship has gone flat and you need love, then work on getting that love and energy within your relationship first.

Think of your relationship as an old piece of machinery - it needs maintenance, parts break down, and need to be replaced, etc. Now think of poly as someone zapping 10,000 volts to that machinery. If the machinery is maintained and all the parts are working, it gets a boost of energy. If not, EVERY PART that is bad (or even starting to get bad) will get blown out and needs to be fixed.

I realize this metaphor is stilted, maybe someone can improve it for me :)
 
Think of your relationship as an old piece of machinery - it needs maintenance, parts break down, and need to be replaced, etc. Now think of poly as someone zapping 10,000 volts to that machinery. If the machinery is maintained and all the parts are working, it gets a boost of energy. If not, EVERY PART that is bad (or even starting to get bad) will get blown out and needs to be fixed.

I realize this metaphor is stilted, maybe someone can improve it for me :)

No, I like it a lot. :)
 
The op hasn't been back since the loss to the colts.....I might be on to something here.

Cindie,
You're Brett fan from when he was with the jets ....right. You better keep that to yourself until Mr & MRS Cheese get back to us. Hey did you get your feet wet over the weekend?..... bad weekend for skirts or kilts( Irish cops). I have a client in Maryland I'm surprise he hasn't called to request and emergency miracle visit.
 
Cindie,
You're Brett fan from when he was with the jets ....right. You better keep that to yourself until Mr & MRS Cheese get back to us.
I'm not a fan of any sports player. I do like watching football (although I get squeamish when the guys get hurt), but my policy is always to root for the underdog in any game. I don't have any favorite teams.

Sorry for the tangent, Mr. & Ms. Cheese.
 
Brett Favre ... the man that put the 'F' in WTF?

Thanks for the candid and pragmatic advice. We've sorted a lot of stuff out in the last couple days and we're doing a lot better now. It turns out that many of my weaknesses are strengths of the coworker, which highlighted everything that I do wrong in our relationship - a recipe for disaster. This makes it easier for me to understand why her feelings went towards this man.

Now that the air is clear, it's been fun thinking of all the possibilities that poly affords. We also see the work and attentiveness it takes to have extracurricular relationships while keeping the primary happy. We've agreed to take things slow and be honest about all of our feelings. I'm very proud that we got through this crisis and feel stronger from it. I also feel like a teenager, exploring and re-discovering sexuality with my hot ass cheesehead wife!
 
I appreciate the humor in what has proven to be a trying time for us.

#1 thought on Favre is a diva and traitor. Although I have to say I did enjoy watching him play his last season (reminded me of his prime with the Packers), including the always can count on interception to lose the second to most important game in the season. :p

DH - We definitely had our honeymoon phase while we were both students at the same college. Issues started showing up when we moved out of that town. We seemed to think that we knew what the problem was, work on fixing that, and then a new one would rear its head. My fear was that that was never going to stop. That seems to have left us angry and disappointed in each other.

Jeebus - I think your metaphor makes perfect sense. We definitely ran into all of the weaknesses in our relationship head on and had to deal with everything all at once.

Black Unicorn - I think you're right. It would not have survived. The NRE cloud was leaving me feeling invincible. Counseling has been going well. Mr. Cheesehead believes that most if not all of the issues I mentioned in my original post can be solved with improved communication. We'd been doing great the couple weeks up to when I brought all of this stuff up. In fact, Mr. Cheesehead believes that they've been solved for a couple of months and I haven't noticed since my mind was elsewhere.

After deciding the best thing was to go, it was hard to come back from that. After posting on here, Mr. Cheesehead was able to take a look at things from the outside and let me know that he's aware there's some things he could have done differently too.

Maybe it has simply taken us 4 years to adjust to not being students and the time that afforded us to spend together. For now we have a renewed will to be together and explore new things. Even if we claim to be poly without adding secondaries, it seems that this is a very good group of people to be around for general good care for any kind of a relationship!
 
Cheesy lady .....I'm glad you enjoyed my comments. And you have the correct answer ... .Farves is a diva scum bag traitor.....you win!

What I meant by honeymoon phase was ...the fun happy period directly after the wedding..... I think it's generally considered the first 6 months to a year. So what you're saying is you had that during the dating process? maybe after some counseling ....with your new tools you could try to get that honeymoon phase going now.

Good luck D
 
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