tigrrrlily
New member
Um....excuse me.
You are of couse excused but whatever for?
Um....excuse me.
Anyway the bottom line, which I think we agree on, is that coupling or tripling are not the only ways of being poly.
One of my issues in a polyfidelity "V" model is that usually, one person gets to be with lovers every night while the two others have to have nights alone part of the time. While I applaud others who can, I can't find balance that way.
At the same time, try not to close yourself off to couples because of bad experiences. There are those who exist that strive for equality and not an accessory to fit into their life. I don't think it's any easier for couples to accept a third after years than it is for the joining single to feel equal.
But this set up reminds me very much of things I read in Ethical Slut. They have an entire section devoted to "Single Sluts". Although the book does seem more sexually the emotionally focused, it was still a good read.
And just as there is no one right way of having or being in a relationship, there is not one right way to be poly.
my wife does think it a bit unfair though, since each of them has an alone night every other night while I never have to sleep alone......
I often feel that single poly people are marginalized within the poly community. When such concerns have been raised by us, they are often not heard, dismissed or even worse, coddled ("But you would never be secondary if you joined us....we would treat you completely equally"). If the pronouns you use in the context of the relationship are still "we", "us" and "ours" while mine are still "I", "me", and "mine", I can't find balance that way.
I was saying to a friend this morning, is this the polyamory (multiple loves) or polygamy (multiple marriages) site?
I think what gets me the most is the value judgments that come out of it, intentional or not.
I wasn't offended as much as just trying to raise questions about those general perceptions that I see in the community and the general couple-centric views.
I guess what I'm trying to say that as a person who has had multiple partners on a secondary basis, that does not mean that I'm just sleeping around and I know that this is the case for many poly single people. I have loved my partners deeply, yet have not had access to the benefits of a primary relationship. But many people in the poly community are quick to put the kind of love I have on a lower level than their couple units. Just because I don't have that primary relationship does not mean that I don't experience deep love or know how to love deeply.
And yes, I would like to have some form of partnership that involves cohabitation and building a family, and I guess the frustration stems from the fact that the very community in which I should be able to find such a partner seems to only let you in if you already have such a partner. There is a definite view that single people are not available for deep, loving partnerships but more available to just have "lovers". I think that perception is generally unfair.
I don't think it's necessary to already be partnered to be able to love multiple people deeply. And I find it ironic that many poly communities profess this idea that people can love in many different ways, yet seem to dismiss this ability to love deeply if the person is not partnered already.
I do appreciate your thoughts, so thank you for that. But I am a debater at heart and I guess these are issues I feel pretty strongly about. I'm not only posting this to sort out my own feelings, but to also give voice to what I see as a pervading problem in many poly communities.