Wow

lizzygirl2412

New member
I went on this forum because my husband and I were interested in possibly finding "a third". I had no idea that I would run into judgemental people.
Yes I am a submissive and anyone who knows anything about being a submissive knows it does not make me a doormat or his "pet". nor does it make me stupid. We have the relationship we have because that is works for us. We are in hope of possibly finding another person that would be just as happy with us. Not someone to own or a new "pet"
someone with feeling and hopes and dreams and just like he and I do for each other we are in hope of supporting her in these things also. We dont want to just find someone to have a quick roll in the hay with. We would like to date her, be her friend and offer our love, friendship and support in any way we can.
Maybe my relationship isnt what anyone else would want but it works for us. I came to this forum for advice to make sure I was not "dragging" someone into my relationship with unrelaistic hopes.
Thought this was the one place we would not be judged!!
Take care!!
 
lizzygirl,

I understand that you might be a little put off by the rather frank and pointed feedback you have recieved so far. However, you indicated that you were doing your research and looking for advice as you were unsure of what happens next...

It just so happens that what you and your husband are looking for is not at all uncommon. There are lots of people out there looking for a third, usually bi-woman to add to a pre-established couple. Hell, my wife and I were very much the same. What we found was that finding a single woman to meet those expectations was exceedingly difficult to find. (Not impossible...we know people where it's happened...but it's vary rare that it works out that way) And the more specific or unusual your arrangement is to begin with, it reduces the possibilities even further.

One thing about the forum here is that people here generally won't lie to you. They will give you the raw unvarnished truth as best they can...and sometimes that's a disappointment to the fantasies we may be holding about the future. Often that truth will be blunt and unforgiving of the fantasy.

As for the judgement you may be feeling...no one here knows you, or your situation as well as you do. They can only run on the information you provide. So if you're not providing all the info, they'll fill in the rest with assumptions. And if you carry on with your research, here or elsewhere, you'll find out where a lot of these assumptions are coming from. Google Unicorn Hunters anywhere and read some of the stories, and you'll see why. As I said, there are many couples seeking a third. And unfortunately, there are plenty of testimonials from the thirds who have tried out these arrangements and been burned by the experience.

It has nothing to do with your fantasies, or intentions...but there is a lot of cynicism about it in the community...and be it on this forum or elsewhere in the poly world, that is a challenge that you'll need to deal with if you carry on with the path you've chosen. My best advice is to take the time to understand the experiences of the people who have tried this... both the couples, and the thirds, both the good and the bad to get a better understanding of what things might work...and more importantly what landmines you can avoid...and do it before you bother prospecting for anyone, because walking into a situation without proper preparation decreases the chances of becoming one of the success stories.
 
Yes, "unicorn hunters" (as they're pejoratively named) have a bad reputation. Doesn't mean you're one of the "bad ones," just means you "inherited" the bum rap.

You'll find unicorn hunters spoken of with cynicism and/or skepticism on other sites too, but I think another part of it is, Polyamory.com is just such a huge site, so busy, and with so, so many members. You'll encounter some members who will tread gently, some who will not spare the whip, and everything in between. The advantage to this is that you get a wide range of perspectives. The disadvantage is that, well, sometimes you will feel like you are being deluged with judgmentalism. I can't say if it's worth it or not. I guess it is if you can tolerate the unpleasant long enough to get to the pleasant. I've been here about a year. I've had some good experiences here, and some that sucked. Ultimately I stay around because I want to stay connected with the largest poly forum I know of.

I'm sorry you had one of the sucky experiences. I encourage you to try to give the good folks here a chance, they'll come tentatively out of the woodwork when the coast is clear.

Just from reading your one post here, I see nothing wrong with your relationship set-up or what you're looking for. Just be patient, and learn as much as you can while waiting for the right person to come along.
 
Im sorry, I probably should have put the persons post to my post. I was not slighted because my husband and I want a third, I was slighted because my husband "wants his cake and wants to eat it too" and Im okay with that. Also was offended by being refered to as being treated as my husbands, pet and told we should get a dog instead becasue I choose to submit to him as if me submitting is a bad thing....
People shouldnt knock what they dont know is all I was saying.
We will continue on our journey to see what we can learn and what is out there in store for us. Thank you for your positive comments...:)
 
I'm with you OP.

I'm afraid this can be a very judgemental place and there are certain characters whose only point in life seems to be to demonstrate how smart they are and how stupid you are.

There are some great folks too, but I mainly communicate with them via PM. Actually that's about the only value I've got from the site.
 
There may be a few people here who are judgmental, in a harsh or arrogant sense of the term, but mostly the main contributors to this forum are just really, really honest, sometimes to the poin of bluntness.

There's also a great deal of awareness of ways in which the language we use to talk about relationships - current or hoped-for - can embody unhealthy, disrespectful, demeaning or even toxic attitudes toward people, whether the writer is aware of those attitudes or not.

It seems that, when some regulars in this site detect such hidden aspects of language, they are quick to point them out. The terms in which they do so - the bit about the dog, for example - may seem harsh, but are really meant to be instructive, in the way formal logic is instructive.

It's not aimed at you as a person - we don't know you - but at the language of what you posted.

Take it as a call to revisit your own posts. Could it really be that he language you used to describe a gf (current or hoped-for) be just as easily used to describe a dog? If not, then by all means point out the difference! Instruct us!

But if so, then maybe you could try to reframe your hopes and expectations, to express them in more adequate language. What do you really want other than, say, loyalty and companionship? What might you owe the other person other than shelter and food?

If you are challenged on this site - and I've had some real "tough love" from people here! - look at it in the most positive light: if you have a chance to think some of this through, here, subjecting your hopes and values a trial of words, you may be more successful in approaching relationships of all kinds in the future, or at least in avoiding some of the more easily avoidable mistakes.
 
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Hello doll.

I hope you do not let that stop you from posting and/or feeling welcome. The beauty of a forum it is great for many things. The curse is that some people might some judgemental or highly opinionated. That is the drawback. You have many personalities mixing.

As someone who has been poly for many years, I guess my one piece of advice is that when you are exceedingly specific about what you want, you limit your options. You have to be mindful of how you phrase things. What do YOU have to offer this person? What does your husband have to offer this person? What kind of relationship are you seeking? You have to take into account that she has wants, needs feelings, dreams, wishes, hopes, etc. How you approach or phrase what you are seeking can determine a person's reaction.

Unicorn hunters or married couples who seek a third person to spice up their relationship are frowned upon. You are on the odd end of the poly spectrum with what you are searching. Know that there is nothing wrong with what you are looking for. It is one of those things where you should take heed and actually absorb what people who have experienced it actually have to say. Too often, that third person ends up getting the short end of the stick or a bum deal. They start feeling inferior because this marriage or long-standing relationship has been in place for 5, 10, 20 years. It poses the question of, "Should a person who has only been here for two months have as much say or as many rights as person who has been in the relationship/marriage for 20 years?"

It is nothing personal, so let it go and take it with a grain of salt. I skimmed through your thread, and the advice that was given by a member was that instead of seeking a person, you should get a pet. What I took away from that is that you should think about what you have to offer that person, and would they be getting a fair deal? You said that you and your husband both travel. That means that she would have to be accustomed to one or both of her loves being away at a time. Would this person be able to have other loves outside of you and your husband? Would this person be with him while you are away and vice versa? How would it work upon your return or his return? How would timing issues be worked out. You have to consider time constraints as well. I am sure the poster did not mean anything negative. I took it to mean that you have to think about those things before bringing a person who has feelings and needs of her own into it. That is all that I took from it.

There are some good people on here, so I do hope that one response that you did not particularly favour or care for will not stop you from seeking further advice. Most people on here are very honest and blunt. They do not tell you what you want to hear. They tell it like it is and what you need to hear but probably never wanted to hear. I appreciate the tough love from time to time. Sometimes I need that. Either way it goes, I sincerely wish you well. :)

Best,

Ry
 
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Just to clarify, this is the first time you have posted that you are in a D/s relationship. So that's probably why people had issues with some of the boundaries you and yoru husband have. Without the D/s context there will be different opinions.

As far as the 'get a dog' comment. I stick by it. I didn't say that YOU shouldn't submit to your husband or are his pet. What I said, if you stop and read it, is that what you are putting forward for this new person, SO FAR, reads more like an ad for a puppy. Someone to love your husband and be home for him when you aren't, to love you and be home for you when he's not. This post above is the FIRST TIME you have ever mentioned anything about wanting to be supportive of someone else's hopes and dreams.

I am glad that you recognize that the person you may want to be with may want things for themselves that have nothing to do with being available for you two when lonely and to accept and give love. As I tried to state, if what you want is a third, you will do better finding them if you are more careful on how you phrase things, be aware of how others will view your posts.

Your posts to date have read more one sided. More what we want from her and offering in return, love and a home. Which while great things, are not enough for a relationship. Only for a puppy. What if the new woman wants to move for work? Start taking classes full time and iS NOT able to be home for you two when you are lonely? What if she travels a lot? What if when she isn't traveling she doesn't want to be around others and needs more time to just herself? Many introverts do?


TL;DR 1) be aware of all the possibilities so you can be appropriately flexible and prepared.
2) Couples looking for a third are plentiful and often not saying anything new. If you want someone to take you seriously, be aware of what you are asking for and HOW you are asking it.


Believe it or not, it's not a prejudice. I personally don't want a ready made family of poly. However, for those that do, you have a daunting task ahead of you. See all those crashed bikes at the bottom of the stairs? The couples before you. See the people posting to you? Those same couples or those people that saw the couples crash their bikes. They are hoping by telling you "Hey this is how my bike crashed and was totalled!" You may not have such a bad wreck yourself.
 
Ry
I guess it all would depend on the person and her wants and needs. As I stated before K and I are very go with the flow type of people and we do not wish to make anyone feel as if they are intruding on something. We have talked about her possibly going on trips with him or I and as for her and him spending time romanticly together when Im not around. Not onlly do I not mind I would encourage it.
I guess I was hoping since K and I are so solid and being that way has taken hard work that the person who would be willing to come into our life would feel like she has a solid starting point. Maybe Im wrong in feeling this way but I never want anyone we are with to feel like a third wheel or unwanted. I want an equal not someone that feels beneath me in any way. Maybe we are looking for a unicorn or a diamond in the ruff.. either way I hope we are able to find her. Thanks for your post
 
Ry
I guess it all would depend on the person and her wants and needs. As I stated before K and I are very go with the flow type of people and we do not wish to make anyone feel as if they are intruding on something. We have talked about her possibly going on trips with him or I and as for her and him spending time romanticly together when Im not around. Not onlly do I not mind I would encourage it.
I guess I was hoping since K and I are so solid and being that way has taken hard work that the person who would be willing to come into our life would feel like she has a solid starting point. Maybe Im wrong in feeling this way but I never want anyone we are with to feel like a third wheel or unwanted. I want an equal not someone that feels beneath me in any way. Maybe we are looking for a unicorn or a diamond in the ruff.. either way I hope we are able to find her. Thanks for your post

It is impossible to plan for this kind of thing. It literally requires that person to already be in your lives and vocalising what it is that she wants or needs.

That is not unreasonable to desire someone who is secure enough in herself to feel comfortable and like she is not intruding on what has been established. It still takes adjustment, non-stop communication, and sometimes even checkpoints. Checking to make sure everyone is okay, needs are getting met, and a general gauge of feelings.

Is it impossible to find? Absolutely not. The thing with triads, which is what it sounds like you might want, is that they have to happen naturally. You could very well walk outside of your home right now and meet someone, but what if she is only interested in you right now and not your husband? With the whole D/S situation, how do you think that would work out? Would he be okay with someone only wanting to be with you? Keep in mind that she could very well decide in months or years that, "Hey. I want to get to know K on a deeper level." Thus, the beginning of a triad. Let's say that never happens. Would he be willing to find someone else for himself? Like I said when we ask questions, it is because some of us have been where you are. The general idea is to prevent a wreck of a situation from happening to that person, so we talk about where we went wrong in our various situations, in an attempt to stop others from making the same mistakes.

Ry
 
I stand by what I said too. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I am not going to sugar coat things for you.

I am currently sitting back and watching the triad in the center of my husbands tribe collapse upon itself right now. A married couple brought in an elusive unicorn well low and behold it is not ending well. They are go with the flow people too. Yeah that bit them in the arse. Now there is an unplanned pregnancy due to birth control failure. The unicorn has evolved into a cowgirl and the tribe (a bsdm social group) is stuck choosing sides. I am vanilla as the day is long so I have no involvement with the group other than in friendly passing.

Go to the relationship issue section of this forum and do some reading. Read of the heart breaks from triad issues. I have known a few to work but for every one of those there is 5 more that ended badly.

I am personally in vee relationship with myself as a hinge. I will be the first one to give you the dirty not so nice parts of my lifestyle. I have two men whose needs, time, expectations, and desires I have to take into consideration. It is a lot of work. I haven't even gotten into the social aspects. Society isn't exactly isn't very open minded. It is not an easy path to walk.

One thing I appreciate about this forum is the fact people will call you onto the carpet. Trust me I got it when I discussed my discomfort with my husbands heteroflexibilty. You know what I appreciate the comments now.
 
Ry
To be honest with you, I never thought of the idea of her wanting to be with me and not him. Maybe thats why it is good I joined the forum. Im not sure how I would be.. Real good food for thought but also like you said until we meet her, we will never know what it is that she wants.
He and I have discussed, what if she wants children, how would we handle it. We have our kids. He says he is done and I think our door should stay open, only because if we love her then i think it would be important to consider her needs....So many different questions have ran through our minds on how we would react to different scenerio's but I guess until we are there we will never know.
I just hope everyone on here understands that we are not looking for someone to just fufill our wants and needs we are two people with enough love and room in our lives to support someone elses wants and needs also.
 
Oh I get you have good intentions. What I am trying to say is those intentions are fine and dandy but not always reality.

You want someone who with just going to magically fit into this ideal fantasy you both are creating. Unfortunately life doesn't cooperate that way.
 
Vixtoria
This is the first time I have ever joined a forum, first time I have ever considered wanting another person in our relationship. I am generally a very private person and I normally dont share much online or otherwise. So I am sorry if I am not completely forth right with all of the information, that is not my intention.
Im not even sure if either he or I have any idea what we are doing. Yes it sounds like a great idea but at the same time after reading different post I feel kind of selfish.
There seem to be lots more for him and I to talk about before we actually start looking.
thanks for your words of wisdom
 
I am not blind to the things that can possibly go wrong. I am just willing to try and hope we find someone that is willing to try also. Not just hoping to find someone to fit into our life, hoping to find someone that is willing to fit us into hers also. It is give and take just like any other relationship.
 
Things like disagreements over children could pose an issue. You said that he is done having children, but you believe the door should stay open because of this third person. You sound like you want to seek someone who might want to have children, but it is his biological right to not provide his half of the DNA needed for any supposed children. This is something that needs to be talked about now.

I know that you are just figuring out things, and the best way to do that is to ask questions. I guarantee that we will all answer honestly.

I advise you both to talk, talk, and talk some more. When you open relationship, there is no turning back. It will never go back to the way it was even if you decide to close it and continue being monogamous. You both need to be on the same page. I would encourage him to join on here as well and ask questions, too. Keep reading the various threads. The Lifestyle and Blogs section is an excellent place to really get an idea of what you might be getting into.

Why do you feel selfish? I am not going to lie to you. It is hard work, and anybody trying it has their work cut out. Even the seasoned people still have their work cut out. No two relationships or experiences will ever be the same.

To give you an idea of what a triad would encompass--relationships wise--is as follows:

you + K (alone time/romantic time/bonding/intimacy)
you + her (" ")
K + her (" ")
K + you + her (You all have to communicate.)

That covers the adults. Those relationships all need time, nurturing, effort, and energy. You cannot combine them into one big relationship because no relationships grow at the same rate. Your core relationship with K is just one piece to the poly puzzle.

You mentioned that you have children. I do not know how old they are, but I am going to assume they are under 18. If not, then this would not apply totally.

you + your children (mum/children time)
K + your children (father/children time)
you + K + your children (family time)
you + K + her + the children (poly family time--if that is what is desired by all)
the children + her (If you and K decide that you want her to be involved in their lives, and if she would want to be involved as an aunt or something type of role. Your children may/may not want to be around her. That is their right.)

The number of relationships increases with the number of people, so let's say this person had children. You would have to add them to the polymath, too.

It is not impossible, and it is quite a bit of information to process. It is hard, but it can be done if handled right. This forum is really good, and even if you take nothing from the threads, there are plenty of links to articles, websites that make for excellent reading material, etc. It is good to read about jealousy, time management, and anything that will affect you during this journey. Once again, I do wish you good luck. It is an interesting journey, and most would say it is rewarding. Feel free to ask questions if you stumble upon something of interest. :)


-Ry
 
Its not that I want to seek someone that wants to have children but realisticly speaking if we were to find someone who didnt have children and may one day want children, it would be unfair to close that door on her. I think I am the more open minded one in this then him. Besides I havent been able to have children for quite some time and all mine are grown up. Wouldnt be a horrible thought to have an itsty bitsy baby in the house.
 
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