A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")

Thanks, everyone. Ry, I hope you got to see the National Zoo while you were in DC... I always find it amazing that you're just driving or walking down a normal city street, when BOOM. There's a rather large zoo sort of plopped in the middle there. Like a zoo TARDIS, bigger on the inside. :)

Life updates:
Things have been going well with Chops. I had a bit of an off-kilter feeling the other day, when he asked for some time with Noa on his way home (he'd be home late, bla bla). When he got home, he was verrrrrry appreciative, gushy, lovey, all that, and that night was wonderful, but I had this off-feeling... like it was a booty call or something, and I knew that wasn't right.

Wasn't sure why I was feeling odd about it all until I looked at the calendar. Aha. PMS. Nevermind. I'll wait a day and see if it settles out.

Yep. All good now.
Boy, this whole emotion/hormone connection is an enormous pain in the ass. Sheesh.

Been slowly going through mom's personal effects (STILL haven't gotten my estate paperwork... GRRRRR...). Found the letter to my dad from his birth relative (aunt, maybe), that they sent to my grandparents. My dad knew he was adopted, knew his name, but never met his birth family. Evidently, his birth mother didn't want them to make contact until after she passed away, and so, once she did, they wrote the letter.

He was in his 30s, married, with a teenage kid (me) at the time. He didn't know he had a brother (and his brother didn't know about him).

I remember when they met. My dad, mom, and I went to meet that whole side of the family, but he really didn't want anything to do with them. He figured his brother was just as in the dark as he was, and wanted to maintain a relationship with him and his family, but as far as he was concerned, that initial meet and greet with everyone else was it; he was done. All that time being kept in the dark until his mother's death really soured him on any relationship with anyone else.

Found some pictures of him and his brother (and some REALLY unfortunate early 80s pix of myself in among the family shots). It'd be interesting to see if he's got an online presence (my dad passed away in the late '80s, only about 5 years after meeting his brother) and making contact again.

Crazy, wonderful stuff.


The Yahoo mono/poly mailing lists have been completely blowing up with activity lately. Lots of emotions running high. One of the mono folks was looking for resources, after her spouse (badly) tried to open their marriage. Evidently, she ran into the same issues I did with written and online materials: most of the material out there is "rah rah poly!" and "Boo on controlling, patriarchal monogamy!" Many sources are discouraging when it comes to mono/poly relationships, saying they're doomed to failure and it's best to just date within your own species.

Well, great. But when you're IN a relationship with someone who now ID's as poly, NOW what? Thanks for the support.

She got the runaround online, was told that she was too controlling and should just give up her marriage (I have no idea where she went, but UGH - really?!), and was just gunshy of ANY pro-poly venue at this point, fearing that it'd just be more of the same.

Someone else on the poly list took exception to this, saying that poly folks NEED the books and that mono folks don't need books on how to be a mono; that it's established culture and we have our own support system already.

And *I* took exception to this.

When you are a mono in a mono/poly relationship, at least in my experience, you are in this strange no-mans-land. You can't go to your mono friends for support, because "he's not treating you right". I've been told I was being disrespected, I've had friends pretty much disown and vilify Chops, and I have watched a good friendship between Chops and very close friends of mine just dissolve. When I get invited over for functions, it's extremely stressful, and he just won't go at this point. I feel torn between my partner and my friend of over 30 years.

So, I'm not IN the mono world anymore. I'm not in the poly world because, well... I'm not poly. So I stand here, straddling the line with one foot in each world, not belonging in either. Go ahead and tell me how well supported I am, again.

I resist attending real-world poly groups with Chops, because we've all heard LovingRadiance's stories with her group (ugh). Chops dislikes one of the groups he's been to, because it seems to be a soap opera/meat market (he categorized the leader as a "relationship collector"), where the only mono guy there was talked over by his spouse the ENTIRE TIME. He does like one that's more discussion-focused, and I could be convinced to attend a meetup with them sometimes. Still, a group of folks for mono folks in a mono/poly relationship to talk with? Hard to come by. Judgment from the mono side, judgment (potentially) from the poly side. Where to go?

This is why I've carved out a spot here; I haven't been driven away yet ( :p ), and honestly, I really REALLY enjoy gaining perspective from all of you here. And no, I have NOT received judgment from any of you for being brainwashed (ugh), controlling or whatnot, and I appreciate that (although I've been asked some good questions that make me think a bit... thinking is a good thing, though :) ).

So I dunno. I expressed my opinion (as I am wont to do), and I think it'll lead to a good discussion. I find it amusing that I seem to post more to the poly list than the mono one, but I think it's because the poly list feels a little bit freer to chew on some food for thought, while the mono list is almost always in support mode. Then again, I post here too, so there ya go. ;)

Chops and I will have a nice Sunday/Monday together (we both took vacation days Monday - yay!), and I think we'll do some exploring down in RI. I'm going to clean up the tripod I found in mom's stuff, and bring the camera to do some shooting. I'm dying to hit the park they've created around the site of the old amusement park (oh, the feels... I loved that place back in the 80s) and take some pictures of the park ruins and the water. Oh, and get clam cakes and chowdah. And a Del's. And if you don't know what a Del's is, you need to get yourself to RI and get yourself one. And then go to Olneyville and get "two all the way with a coffee milk." Just because.

Nom.

Later, folks. I'm going to clean up my drool now.
 
Ry, I hope you got to see the National Zoo while you were in DC... I always find it amazing that you're just driving or walking down a normal city street, when BOOM. There's a rather large zoo sort of plopped in the middle there. Like a zoo TARDIS, bigger on the inside. :)

Like! MrS visits zoos at every opportunity - I was in DC for some training a few years ago and he spent two DAYS at the National Zoo...in February:D...and could have gone for more.


...So, I'm not IN the mono world anymore. I'm not in the poly world because, well... I'm not poly. So I stand here, straddling the line with one foot in each world, not belonging in either. Go ahead and tell me how well supported I am, again.

Reminds me of people's responses when I tell that about my experiences with the LGBT community. Because, although I have ID'd as bisexual for 20 years, it doesn't "count" because I am married...TO A MAN - therefore, because I can "pass", I don't need any support. (And I'm not really "bi" etc.)

This is why I've carved out a spot here; I haven't been driven away yet ( :p ), and honestly, I really REALLY enjoy gaining perspective from all of you here. And no, I have NOT received judgment from any of you for being brainwashed (ugh), controlling or whatnot, and I appreciate that (although I've been asked some good questions that make me think a bit... thinking is a good thing, though :) ).

I'm glad that you feel un-judged here. I really enjoy reading your perspective and hearing about your journey. Makes me look at MrS's perspective in a different way. He doesn't ID as mono precisely, but has no interest in ACTIVELY looking for relationships (although is open to the idea if they should happen) and I have been his only partner in the last 20+ years...nothing more than "flirty friendships" and the occasional three/four-some (instigated by me)...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here!

JaneQ
 
We saw the National Zoo. It was placed in the oddest location. We had been to zoo in Powell, Ohio, a few days before, and their zoo sits out in the middle of nowhere. In D.C., it is just there. I would love to know how they decided where to place it.

I appreciate your POV as the mono partner in your relationship. Your thoughts mirror my hubby's, and your posts always give me something to think about. Admittedly, some of the advice to the mono parties in these relationships grates on my mother loving nerves. YAH, you are brainwashed, controlling, and you have not been enlightened. Come on over to the darkside. :rolleyes: Oh please. I am not even on the darkside!

I hope you and Chops are doing well.
 
Thanks, Jane and Ry. :)

I swear I had another post in the queue, but it seems to have disappeared. Oh well... Evidently, I closed the tab or something. Such is the danger of running Chrome with a bajillion tabs at one time.

The weekend & day off were really nice (although Chops' motorcycle is NOT cooperating). We got down to Galilee, RI for some clam cakes and chowdah (if you've never done it, DO IT!) and some photo-taking along the rocky shoreline. Then to Newburyport, MA the next day. Once again, the antique shop I'd wanted to go see was closed, and I finally figured out that it's not open Mondays, but Monday holidays. Derp. Once again, I come home without exploring the big, giant barn-o-stuff. I will get there someday! <shakes tiny fist>

Chops and I are doing well, although this week will probably be a bit of a challenge. I'm out on vacation this week with the kids, since their dad went through surgery yesterday and can't really move around too much (hernia surgery). Chops doesn't like to "pull me away from the kids" so he separates himself from us. That's fine once in a while, but it serves to separate himself from them as well, and it makes it easy for the 13-year-old to ignore him and treat him as if he doesn't exist (although to be fair, she does this with everyone... she's such an introvert, and really doesn't engage anyone, ever). When she does that, it bugs him, and just serves to pull him away from the kids even more. And there is nothing I can do other than find activities we can all do together once in a while, and at least give them an opportunity to interact. It's frustrating to me, because it's like we don't get to enjoy each others' presence until the kids go to bed, and it just makes the divide worse.

Sigh.
I'm not sure what the best course of action here is, other than just to continue to do what I'm doing. I can't force anything (and I wouldn't if I could), but it sucks to feel as though he's pushing them to go to bed so we can have "our time" when it's summer vacation and I have no problem with them staying up a bit later, in principle.

Oh well. Last night, my cousin spent some time with us anyway, so it was a late night all around.

In other news, I started a blog. Just what the Internet needs, right? :rolleyes:

I think a couple things helped me reach my tipping point. First, many of the Mono folks on the email list had major difficulties finding resources on Poly (or Mono/Poly) relationships that didn't sound "anti-Mono". It's something I found aggravating as well. "Mono's fine for some people, buuuuut..." is usually the best you see, and it's still dismissive as hell. Sage's blog was a nice alternative, and I personally found Franklin Veaux's site a good one, in that it did more than pay lip service to the validity of actually BEING a mono partner in a mono/poly relationship. Still, when looking up resources on Polyamory, the Internet is kind of a lonely place for Mono partners. I figured why not try to add a voice that's been there (and still is), even if my situation doesn't quite jive with many folks'.

The second thing that tipped me over the edge was some comments here on the boards. I still maintain that *I* have never felt judged here. I enjoy debate and conversation, and I tend not to take things from Random Internet Strangers personally. However, I've been bugged by the tone of some comments toward mono folks in newly-opened relationships. People are afraid - their world has turned upside-down on them, and setting up rules and agreements may be the only way they can try to regain trust in their partner. Ripping mono partners apart for trying to find a way in which to feel secure is a great way of pushing people away, leaving them feeling that poly folks are hostile to monos. It's true that they don't give a shit about the OSO's feelings in many cases, because they're trying to find their OWN balance. It's tough to feel charitable when you feel like your life is running out of control (and especially tough when you feel the other person is part of the cause).

Nobody here is WRONG. But the different points-of-view are difficult to grasp for people who are struggling. So I figured I get it (to a point); I understand the fear of what the future looks like. I understand the resentment in having to change your entire world view. If I can offer something to help, and show them that yes, it *can* work, but it takes time, experience, work, honesty, etc., then okay.

It's a variation on the "if you want something done, do it yourself" mantra.
So I did.

http://frombaltictoboardwalk.blogspot.com/

Title is what it is because of my utter frustration in Googling for anything to do with Mono/Poly relationships. Thank you, Parker Brothers. :p

We shall see what comes of it. This blog thread is more my stream-of-consciousness, day-to-day thing. That one will be more polished. Stuff I've gone through, not stuff I'm working through (or at least, not in a "venting while I'm working through it" sort of way). Not like I don't have a bunch of other things to do, of course, but that's how I roll... if I don't have a to-do list a mile long, I don't feel right. ;)

Okay, off to rouse the older child before lunchtime. Aah, vacation. :)
 
Good for you, starting a blog for mono partners of poly people. You're right, we are probably too harsh here on monos who are afraid of loss, and need lots of rules when first opening a relationship.

After all, I unschooled my kids, child led curriculum, but I had sympathy for people who were also homeschooling, but needed set curriculums they purchased from companies, and set times for school, work books, time off, vacations. Some of them lessened their structures over time as they began to trust the homeschooling process, and trusting their kids to be eager to learn, with or without a set format for the day. Some don't relax the structure, and that's OK for them, though it does make them a family we probably would not have hung out with much.
 
Thanks, Mags. :)

To be honest, the harshness comes and goes (it all depends on the people who are active at that time, and quite honestly, people's moods). It's just tough when you see initial comments all of the confrontational variety when people are obviously looking for support. I have to wonder if some people even come back to see the supportive ones.

Ah well. I like you guys. You're all stuck with me. So there. :p
 
More Random Crap - An Update

Well, nothing too exciting is happening of late. I'm enjoying the new blog, and actually considering doing some book reviews from a Mono POV (I think too many times, we mono partners are given "Poly Bibles" to read without any idea that we may be alienated by the text). I'm starting with "The 5 Love Languages" (and rereading it) because I think that's been my favorite relationship book to date (and it's not even poly-related).

I've managed to give myself tendinitis by going out for a run when my body wasn't ready. All due to a pinky-promise to some friends that we'd run a half-marathon together this year (well, REALLY due to my inability to believe that I really AM this out of shape). The kicker - sex aggravates it too. Nothing like having a nice night of sexeh time, and then Chops feeling awful afterward when my leg decides to tell me to fuck off. Boo.

Still having difficulty with the "kinda-sorta blended family" thing. Chops was here for a Sat/Sun while the kids were here, and by the end of it, he was staying away from us, and I was walking on eggshells around him. Not good. There's a lot there - feeling like he's competing with the kids for my time (and his refusal to do so, hence removing himself from the situation), being ignored/dismissed by my teenager, getting rankled when he perceives them disrespecting me (when my tolerance levels are clearly different and I don't even notice this half the time).

On the one hand, it's perversely nice to have a problem that isn't a "poly problem." On the other hand, this one's extremely difficult. Sigh.

Home improvements are going slowly (I've started really trying to work within a budget - thank you, YNAB!), but going. The tree limbs have been taken down, and Chops has begun to split wood. We're looking into roofing options for the garage now, but given my budget, buying shingles may have to happen over time. We may have to find a temporary solution for the winter (since ideally, we want the summer heat to adhere the shingles better) and then collect shingles over time.

In the meantime, I decided to start working on some of the smaller projects that I've been putting off in favor of the big ones. I bought a pedestal sink for the downstairs bathroom, and we're thinking of retiling the floor (although the traditional hex pattern that I wanted is a bit more expensive than I'd have liked... there's a cheaper square-ish pattern that goes with the character of the house, so we may go with that instead). Painting the trim and wainscoting white, sinking the medicine cabinet into the wall (not sure why they didn't, so I'm sure we'll find SOMETHING that sets us back), and then finding some other storage solutions (and a nice new paint color) when done.

Little bit by little bit.
 
I kinda liked those blue small square tiles, but I agree they aren't period appropriate.

Sorry things are awkward with Chops and the kids!
 
Thanks, Mags!

I don't mind the blue, and I purchased some grout cleaner/sealer to see if it looks better once the grubby grout is cleaned up. My big concern is that the floor may not completely extend underneath the vanity, in which case, we'd need to replace it anyway. Luckily, it's pretty small, square-footage-wise. :)

If I have to pull it up, I'm going to try to salvage as many as I can. The tile itself is neat, and it may be worth saving for a future project.
 
Well, here I sit on the couch with the back of my knee iced and elevated, while I SHOULD be working on the bathroom... sigh.

This tendonitis is really pissing me off.

Saw the doctor on Monday, who didn't really give me any new information except to ice it 3x/day, rest and elevate it, and gave me a prescription for some super-ibuprofen of some type. Yay. There's a lot of stuff I want to DO (the house is a friggin' pig sty!), but when the leg gets all sore, I have to learn to quit, or I have a miserable night's sleep. Double yay.

I'm not as cranky as I could be, though. I guess I've got that going for me. :p

The luau went well (with Chops, Xena, AND Noa). Noa and I get along really well, and she's an absolute hoot. The luau itself was awful (think of a giant tailgate party with a cover charge and no free anything except Walgreens swag... Woo!), but we had fun, drank the only good beer there (everything else was too hoppy... bleh), and then hung out back at Chops & Xena's place.

There was only one "oh, for fuck's sake" moment of the night, and it was pretty much a misunderstanding (thinking Chops had gone off to get busy with Noa, leaving me and Xena to just futz around and go to bed after we figured he wasn't coming back). Come to find out, he was convincing Noa that NO, she wasn't in any shape to drive home, and we all ended up going out, bringing her home, and then getting 1am food (BAD IDEA) on the way home. All in all, misunderstanding aside, it was a really good night. :)

I find Noa really easy to get along with, and we click pretty well as friends (at least, so far). I'm looking forward to spending more time with her (and I'm actually trying to plan a Cards Against Humanity night with everyone).

So... I was worried it was going to feel like "the triad plus YouAreHere" and it didn't. The night felt like a bunch of friends hanging out, and I didn't end up feeling like the nth wheel. It felt MUCH better than it usually does when the three of us hang out, maybe because the dynamic with the four of us ends up with the group either all together or splitting up into various pairs, not leaving anyone off to the side. Speed bump navigated. All is well. Looking forward to traveling the road again. :)

Bathroom renovation is going VERY slowly, due to this damned pegleg of mine. Hell, the rugs look like the cats exploded on them, and I have been ordered by Chops to LEAVE IT ALONE until he comes home tomorrow.

It bugs. It bugs sooooooo bad.

Ah well. Time to watch this faux Bee Gees concert on public TV, pay the bills, and surf the internet. Look at this wild woman go! :D

What *am* I doing on my butt? I should be dancing! YEAH!
 
Oh! Almost forgot...

I talked with the kids a bit (individually) about Chops and how they were feeling, etc. Pokégirl (my 10-year-old) was just peachy... she likes Chops and she doesn't seem to feel put out at all by his presence.

My oldest (Dancegirl) and I went to a 5k last week (yeah - pegleg couldn't even walk the thing... wah!), and I talked with her a bit in the car. She won't go so far as to say she doesn't like Chops, but she "eeeeeh'ed" it when I asked. She thinks he's around "a lot", so I explained that yes, we consider this his home too, so he splits time between his home south and here, but he tries to give us space and not take away from my time with her and Pokégirl. After feeling her out a bit, I reiterated that she doesn't have to like him, just respect him, but he does like the two of them and just keeps his distance because he doesn't want to interfere with our time together.

That night, she actually said "hello" to him when we walked in the door, which is amazing in and of itself. I'm not expecting miracles, but a bit more ease around each other would be nice. Baby steps...
 
Well, here I sit on the couch with the back of my knee iced and elevated, while I SHOULD be working on the bathroom... sigh.

This tendonitis is really pissing me off.

It's really hard to be patient while healing, isn't it? If only cats could be trained to vacuum and do laundry...

I hope that resting it helps, and that you find ways to get some people time without aggravating it.
 
Thanks, Garriguette!

If my cats could vacuum, then at least they'd be able to clean up their own damned tumbleweeds! :p Perhaps I should get a Roomba and let them ride it around all day...

My extroverted self is itching to have more time with friends, so I've got an email going around with the girls from work to figure out a "girls' night in". I need to figure out when my annual cookout for my college friends will be, and I'm working this Cards Against Humanity night thing. Heck, I chatted up a political canvasser last weekend when he came by the house. I am an Introvert's worst nightmare! :D

Ah well... The leg is feeling a bit better today (knock wood). It's iced for the moment, and we'll see how it goes. Have a great day, all!
 
Sorry your leg still hurts, YAH! It's been going on a while. Oh getting older is SO fun. Not for the faint of heart.

I am glad you made a little difference in helping Dancegirl relate to Chops! I've been so lucky in that regard. My kids have always loved miss pixi. Maybe women are easier to love...
 
Thanks, Mags! :) Leg is getting better, but slowly. And I'm the impatient type, so I do things that make me go "ow" and then I slow down again. But still... improvement! I finish out the week resting it, and then I can step up the activity. I think I'll walk before running this time. :rolleyes:

Bathroom is moving at a snail's pace, since I wasn't doing anything (because of ol' pegleg) for a while. This weekend, we'll do some more work on it. Hoorah!

Spent today posting another blog post on the external blog (link in .sig). I listened to Minx's Poly Weekly podcast on Mono/Poly relationships, and while I thought much of it was pretty good, I took exception to a couple parts. Of course, I decided to go blather about it because that's my bit. :)

Also went up to Mom's town with all the paperwork so I could finally close out her bank account and PO box. Ugh. I wasn't sure if I'd drive around and explore, but when I was done, I just wanted to go. It felt hollow being up there without her around.

Estate administration is a whole lot of bureaucratic steps for something that seems like it should be easy. Blech. At any rate, I applied for an EIN so I can work off the debts of the estate (joy), and I'll be in business tomorrow once I can open an account.

So... Chops is home tonight (yay), chili is in the crockpot (yay), kids will be here a bit later (yay), bathroom will make progress this weekend (yay), and the estate will start moving (yay). With all those 'yays' it was time to pour a glass of bubbly (I'd already started the bottle last night to celebrate Market Basket coming back from the almost-dead - woo hoo!) and toast mom. :)

So now it's mom's fault I'm a smidge tipsy before dinner. Shame on you, mom. Shame...

Hope you all have a nice weekend - looking forward to having Monday off! Woo!
 
Can I just clarify? P is your boyfriend. M1 is his girlfriend. P is also seeing M2 and M1 is seeing M2's husband--so there's something like a quad forming there?

Ugh. Exhausted after ragging off mold and throwing away damp, moldy basement stuff until 1am last night. The fact that this is all happening the week I'm PMS'ing really, really doesn't help. :mad:

Cleaning one's basement due to moisture and mold is pretty damn close to losing weight because you're sick. The results are okay, but what an awful process.

I am realizing that, as the enormity of this project slowly unfolds, I am really having a hard time finding a balance between self-sufficiency and wanting to rely on P.

I've never lived alone, which doesn't really help... If I'd had these couple of years in the house alone before starting up my relationship, maybe my "problem solver" side would take charge a bit more quickly than the overwhelmed "oh no, no, no, no, make it go away" side. Who knows...

Still, this is a hard lesson to learn simply because the opportunities (thankfully) don't come all that often, and when they do, they involve something shitty happening to the house.

I want to rely on P. He wants me to be able to rely on him. But he's not here. So... do I flip the switch and say fine, I'm alone, time to be self-sufficient? Self-sufficiency is good, yes, and I think that's the way to go, but in the process, I end up detaching myself from even wanting to rely on P - detaching myself from even thinking that I can, and thus begins the emotional back-and-forth ("I can do this myself!" / "Why aren't you heeeeeeeere???").

Once I detach like that, it's hard to flip the switch back when he is here. Like I need to prove to myself that I can do it without his help if I'm going to get anywhere in this relationship when these types of things pop up.

Bleh.

Part of the problem is that the moisture is threatening a lot of the stuff I stored downstairs - stuff I don't want to lose (the kids' papers, some of the more meaningful christmas decorations, other momentos - I remember losing a lot of the kids' handmade Xmas decorations a couple years back when a snowglobe burst inside the plastic container they were in. Kindergarten and preschool decorations that really were irreplaceable... I dread experiencing that again). And I, as a "fixer" hate waiting until it dries out. I need to be doing, not waiting. Multiple things to drive me crazy. Certainly not the best emotional state to start from. :p

Well, hey... at least I get to ramble about it here. Lucky you? :eek:

Yes, I am very lucky to hear you express something I never realized about myself and hubby. We've both been hurt in the past and consequently have needed to be self reliant. But now we are married (11years) and we are still self reliant unless a big crisis comes up....then we get pretty close. I feel like the rest of the time we step back and take care of ourselves by ourselves. I am not sure that is a good thing. I, for one, am getting lonely. So when you said it was hard to re-engage, how did you do this? Before I launch into this possible poly discussion I may need to have one day ( I am mono right now but just beginning to explore poly in my head) with my hubby, I guess it would be fair of me to express my feelings on this.
 
Yes, I am very lucky to hear you express something I never realized about myself and hubby. We've both been hurt in the past and consequently have needed to be self reliant. But now we are married (11years) and we are still self reliant unless a big crisis comes up....then we get pretty close. I feel like the rest of the time we step back and take care of ourselves by ourselves. I am not sure that is a good thing. I, for one, am getting lonely. So when you said it was hard to re-engage, how did you do this? Before I launch into this possible poly discussion I may need to have one day ( I am mono right now but just beginning to explore poly in my head) with my hubby, I guess it would be fair of me to express my feelings on this.

Hi Savedbygrace,
Sorry I didn't notice this until now... What it really took for us to re-engage was uninterrupted time together, and I mean Quality Time - not time doing anything else, but time talking, snuggling... all that. Reconnect time.

There was a LOT of talking involved regarding my feelings on the whole thing. It was tough, and still can be, although it's getting better with time.

Good luck!
 
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