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Old 03-13-2011, 06:26 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,023

Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I have a question. I have no issues and or feelings of fear, loss with the sexual side of things, but as soon as i start seeing this as another relationship I start getting bent. I'm trying to process this but lack the poly centric language experience to accurately discribe what I mean.

Sex OK! Two thumbs up. Another man caring for and holding my wife? Not so much. Yes I want her to be with someone who actually likes and appreciates her but can't they just.... I dunno, fuck and then go for coffee? This emotional work is complicated ground, i could use some direction here. thanks.
Straight through the stop sign, and then left at the Mall until you see a gas station....if only it was that simple eh?

It's interesting since with most men it's the sexual aspect that takes a long time to work through, rather than the emotional stuff.
In fact right now, the biggest obstacle I foresee in my wife ever finding a bf would be finding one that legitimately wanted that emotional connection, and wasn't just using her for sex. Knowing how most guys are, I could see myself having a hard time trusting that they'd actually want to care about her the way I do.

So what is it about an emotional connection between your wife and another man that is causing your consternation? You're right that it's a complicated process, but for me it's the main defining characteristic of poly in relation to other forms of non-monogamy such as swinging.
Are you worried that she'll love him more?
That they'll have some feeling between them that you don't?
Different pet names?
With the amount of personal sacrifice you've made in the past, are you worried that she'll want him to comfort and support her when things are bad instead of you?

I'm just throwing possibilities out there, but really this is internal processing time where you need to really look at what your feelings are about this and why. Then dig deep on that to find the root of where it's coming from. Ask yourself the hard questions, and be honest to yourself with the answers.

Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
P.S. We went on another date yesterday and had a mind blowing time that went into the afternoon and late into the night.
Rock on.

Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
Edit: My wife has said she's perfectly alright with my getting a girlfriend. No, I'm not making that up. that's what she said. I said I already had one. Her. Am I missing something here?
I used to refer to my wife as my other ex-gf...because as soon as she said "I Do" she wasn't really my gf anymore was she...she became my wife....but that's all just semantics.
Why would you find this surprising? If she's looking expand her heart to include other people and is deriving some happiness and satisfaction from that, why would she not want her husband to have the same opportunity?
Are you actually opposed to the prospect?
Do you not believe her?
I don't know about missing something, but if you're worried about you the classic wife 'opposite day' thing I don't think that'd be the case...she'll at least think she's perfectly ok with it. That doesn't mean that she might not find her own issues and processing to work through if you take her up on the offer, and also depending on what kind of hussy you bring home. Kinda like bringing home girls to meet Mom ... but different because it's harder to throw a temper tantrum and say "I don't care what you say, it's my life" to your wife than it is to you Mom.

Keep working at it buddy.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

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