AnnabelMore
Active member
I find the idea of "taking life as it comes" to be central to my understanding of successful polyamory.
In Western society's traditional mold, the expectation is that you will date around a little, find the person who completes you, get married and have kids. If you're unlucky or chose poorly, divorce, rinse, and repeat, but don't fundamentally deivate from the path. Like in that old board game, The Game of Life, in which success is defined as creating a nuclear family and settling down into a lucrative job and a big house. Most of us grew up inundated by things that reinforced this as the ideal mold that we should try to fit into to find happiness.
It's possible to seek out multiple loving relationships while adhering (almost) to that mold. You just squeeze an "extra" girlfriend or boyfriend in along the way and incorporate them into your nuclear family dream, as in unicorn hunting, or keep them safely on the sidelines like a hobby, as in strict prescriptive primary/seconday hierarchies.
In this view of life we already know from the start what we need to do in order to achieve a satisfying life, and we just need to follow the steps in order to make it come true.
But, to my mind, life is more complicated than this. We never know what amazing people, experiences, or opportunities we will discover along the way and how they will shape us if we are open to them. I see this as the premise of "taking life as it comes." It means that we might have a vision in mind but we understand that our original vision is likely to change and is far from the only way in which we can live a satisfying life. It means understanding that strict adherence to a particular vision can, in fact, prevent us from living life to the fullest.
I am describing, of course, a life skill, not just a relationship skill. But I find that it is of particular relevance for healthy polyamory. The ability to take life as it comes is, I think, what separates unicorn hunters (single women only, please!) from couples interested in three-person relationships (hi, nice to meet you, let's get to know each other and see what might work for all of us), and separates prescriptive relationship hierarchies (this relationship MUST be secondary) from descriptive relationship hierarchies (this relationship happens to be secondary). I imagine that it also makes it much more likely that a mono/poly couple can work, since both parties may need to compromise their initial views of how their life will look in order to forge a path forwards together.
It takes a lot of comfort with uncertainty to embrace polyamory. There is a roadmap that our culture gives us for monogamy, but with poly we get the amazing (and scary! and awesome!) chance to blaze new trails and fill in the map as we go along, like explorers.
So, this is just me ruminating on this idea and wondering if anyone has anything to add. I started down this mental path after reading this comic -- http://www.viruscomix.com/page561.html
In Western society's traditional mold, the expectation is that you will date around a little, find the person who completes you, get married and have kids. If you're unlucky or chose poorly, divorce, rinse, and repeat, but don't fundamentally deivate from the path. Like in that old board game, The Game of Life, in which success is defined as creating a nuclear family and settling down into a lucrative job and a big house. Most of us grew up inundated by things that reinforced this as the ideal mold that we should try to fit into to find happiness.
It's possible to seek out multiple loving relationships while adhering (almost) to that mold. You just squeeze an "extra" girlfriend or boyfriend in along the way and incorporate them into your nuclear family dream, as in unicorn hunting, or keep them safely on the sidelines like a hobby, as in strict prescriptive primary/seconday hierarchies.
In this view of life we already know from the start what we need to do in order to achieve a satisfying life, and we just need to follow the steps in order to make it come true.
But, to my mind, life is more complicated than this. We never know what amazing people, experiences, or opportunities we will discover along the way and how they will shape us if we are open to them. I see this as the premise of "taking life as it comes." It means that we might have a vision in mind but we understand that our original vision is likely to change and is far from the only way in which we can live a satisfying life. It means understanding that strict adherence to a particular vision can, in fact, prevent us from living life to the fullest.
I am describing, of course, a life skill, not just a relationship skill. But I find that it is of particular relevance for healthy polyamory. The ability to take life as it comes is, I think, what separates unicorn hunters (single women only, please!) from couples interested in three-person relationships (hi, nice to meet you, let's get to know each other and see what might work for all of us), and separates prescriptive relationship hierarchies (this relationship MUST be secondary) from descriptive relationship hierarchies (this relationship happens to be secondary). I imagine that it also makes it much more likely that a mono/poly couple can work, since both parties may need to compromise their initial views of how their life will look in order to forge a path forwards together.
It takes a lot of comfort with uncertainty to embrace polyamory. There is a roadmap that our culture gives us for monogamy, but with poly we get the amazing (and scary! and awesome!) chance to blaze new trails and fill in the map as we go along, like explorers.
So, this is just me ruminating on this idea and wondering if anyone has anything to add. I started down this mental path after reading this comic -- http://www.viruscomix.com/page561.html