WARNING - a super-long update
Re-cap since last post
So, I pretty much dumbed Cookie's ass. However, he is so sad and lonely and forlorn that I kinda feel humanitarian concern for him. Which led into cuddling and sex, although I had pretty much sworn him off at that point
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Meanwhile, Vanilla has fallen head over heels with a New Guy. And it's tearing me apart. I feel numb and nauseated and destroyed.
Why such an extreme reaction to something that should be a positive thing? After all, as a recovering NRE monster, what's good for the goose should be good for the gander, right? (Or in this case, what's good for the gander is good for the other gander, too.)
This situation triggers every single uncertain chord in my body. I'm deathly afraid of being found wanting in comparison to this dude. Why is this such a trigger for me? Well, you guessed it! He's a dom and they are giddy with BDSM happiness, him and Vanilla.
I used to feel like I was in a relationship. Now I feel like I have a few loving friends but no relationship to speak off. I offered to let Vanilla go and let her explore her developing relationship without an insanely jealous and dysfunctionally co-dependent piece of emotional wreckage weighing her down. But she doesn't want to take a break from us.
The bottom line is that I don't feel like I can trust her to love and care for me and value me and not be engulfed by this new relationship, and I'm trying to protect myself from serious future pain by removing myself from the game before it's even started. I know that's unreasonable as all hell, but deep-down I'm convinced no one can ever possibly want to be with me for real if they have a choice. Hence the freak-out.
What I'm doing now?
I got an emergency appointment with a psychologist today, 75 mins during which I want to pour out every single moment I've ever felt rejected starting at preschool. Poor psych lady, I don't envy her. I just want to cry till my heart dries out, to feel anything but utterly terrified and numb and destroyed and dissociated.
I still think it would be better for me and Vanilla to take a break until I can get my shit straight, but she doesn't want to tell anybody that our relationship is on the rocks. She doesn't want to hear those "But I told you so!" snickers from her friends.
She has done nothing to cause or deserve this, except get involved with a a mental case like me. All those thoughts and experiences I've avoided and surpressed for years are coming to haunt with a vengeance it seems. Today we plan to have a quiet night in eating and cuddling and not discussing our relationship status or my insecurities for another night. I hope I feel more hopeful after my visit to the head doctor.