Loss of Impromptu Private Moments

notalwaysez

New member
My partner and I have been together under the same roof for 8 years. During that time we have had several good friends that have shared in our life via overnight or several weeks.

In January of this year, we met a wonderful woman (NM) and in August of this year we asked her to join us in a permanent live in relationship. She lives an hour away, so at this time she stays with us about 4 or 5 days a week while we work out combining households.

One of the things I am noticing about myself, is after 3 or 4 days of her being here - I am missing mine and my partner's impromptu private moments and I start emotionally shutting down. I don't like this about me.

During the first part of the year, when NM would stay over - she had her own room, although many nights she stayed with us in our room. When the offer to combine households came to the table - part of something she asked for was to not have separate bedrooms any longer. I guess I didn't really think it through, or think of the what ifs... it seemed like a natural thing to request - and I agreed. Although I did say - separate beds within the same room, simply because 3 in one bed is doable on occasion, it is not a comfortable night's sleep to contend with for the rest of my life.

Anyway, now she is here more and more (sometimes up to 7-9 days in a row). We all care so much for each other, yet - the other night, my partner in bed with me, NM in her own bed - he reached for me in this private intimate way he and I share - and I withdrew, for I knew - it was no longer a private situation. NM was there, in the room.

We have all spoken about these type of scenarios arising and how they "might" be handled. NM suggested that we simply ask her to leave the room for a while. To me, that is just too weird - impromptu is all about the moment. I have suggested, that I would prefer a private room all my own (btw - we do have the necessary rooms available within the home) to which of course, my partner refuses to even consider. I fear (pretty much know) suggesting to NM that she should indeed have her own room, she would be hurt and would probably choose to remain friends, but no longer entertain being with us 24/7.

So that is one scenario. A second scenario that occurred just this past week, was middle of the day, I was in the kitchen and my partner came in and wanted to get it on right there against the kitchen sink. It was a hot moment that could have been awesome - yet.... knowing that NM could have walked in at any time and seen it or heard us, she would have felt left out and not included - due to my concern for her - needless to say, we did not get our freak on in the kitchen. Again - one of those impromptu moments.

Now - does NM and the head of household have their impromptu private moments? - of course they do. And it doesn't bother me at all so why am I so edgy about all of this?

Although I would love for NM to be in our lives for the rest of all of our lives, I really don't want her in my bedroom every night for the rest of my life.

Anyone willing to comment and offer some insight or suggestions to help me figure this out?
 
While being impromptu is nice, it can't always happen. You may have to change how this looks to you. Maybe a surprise date for just the two of you. You might have to give up on never having the ability to be spontaneous at home and just schedule time.

Maybe you need to talk to NM and ask her to randomly surprise you with time. That type of thing

This really isn't much different than having roomates. Its just the way things have to be. My wife and I live with a close friend and we battle with this constantly. We have to get creative sometimes. :)
 
Personally, it is no worse than having a child. Billions of people have done it successfully, and (hopefully) billions will contine to do it for many many years to come. I think you just need to be ok with getting your "freak on", and if you get caught, then you get caught. Invite her to join or not. If not, politely say something like "Oh, sorry. We were just leaving. See you in a little while.". At least, this is how I would handle the situation if one of my kids walked in on my wife and I. (We have two kids. 18 and 13. We've been interupted a few times.)
 
Living together

Yea - living together requires a lot of forethought and space. Benn there- done that - probably will again but wiser now.

What we've learned - and kind of formed requirements around....

1> Everyone needs to have their own private space regardless of how close you are. This is not a bad idea even for two people ! That private space is pretty much 'off limits' to anyone else unless it's an emergency or via invitation.

2> If anyway possible, create equivalent 'public' space, but in order for even this to work, you have to communicate solidly about what expectations are to be met - be it cleanliness, activities etc.

3> Private baths are also almost a must have. It's amazing how silly little things can annoy someone else and cause problems. i.e. a stray hair left behind etc

4> Sex needs to have space for that spontaneity you speak of and everyone has to understand that. A little common respect and decency goes a long way. If two have it going already, any third should expect an invitation to join and NOT take it personally if that invitation doesn't come. As you've discovered, those special moments just show up unannounced and everyone should have no desire to change them ! It's different when you all start together but coming late to the party needs to have a penalty :)

Out of time.............maybe more later.

GS
 
I think I would get to the bottom of why she has a need to be in the same room and see if there is another way she can get her needs met and move her out of your room. Why can you not all have your own rooms and schedule time each week in different dynamics... two of you, then the other two, all of you... even in bed for a short time and then everyone out for the rest of the night... all this would take trying and negotiating until a balance is reached.

I agree with the spontaneity thing. You have been fortunate enough to be able to enjoy that at all! Roommate, kids... all equal no spontaneity. Maybe you need to negotiate an empty house with only you and your love at home sometimes.
 
Wow, so many options here for different yet exciting dynamics.. it all depends on the people involved and what you each want as individuals.

I admit I'm sort of curious about why your other partner is ok with sleeping in a separate bed in your room.. is it because she enjoys watching you both? Could you incorporate that in your dynamic somehow when she's there so that you can still enjoy an intimate moment with your longer-term partner but have her present?

Poly sex can often involve a juggling of perceptions and expectations, but so long as everyone is feeling happy about it, there is no reason not to do something. It sounds like you still have a few days a week without her there, so you DO still have time to be completely private... what about including her to a limited extent (if that is what she wants and is happy with) in your intimate moments?

Just a thought (from someone who has been there). :)
 
Thanks to everyone that responded. Definitely some good advice and I know I have to work on myself a little more especially since NM will eventually be with us 24/7.

In regard to her request to being in our room. She openly said it is about her insecurity to have "her" room, while "we" have our room. And we did talk about this in great depth. NM said, she completely understands and respects our relationship. She also said it is the security of, if needing to get up in the middle of the night - having the ability to see us there alseep, to know we really are there, or to gently stroke a leg while she heads to the bathroom or whatever - again, it is all about security for her.

What actually makes me chuckle a little, is that we do indeed have a very large, beautiful home - with four bedrooms, each one being their own individual Master suites/private bath/dressing areas, etc (and it will be just the three of us). Yet we are all being stuffed into one room. LOL.

I know that as we progress forward, there are going to be some bumps - but in my heart, I know the happiness and fun of all of us living and working and making a home together will far out weigh those times we have a way of life hiccup.

Again, thank you.
 
Four master bedroom suites?

I think the solution is obvious.

You each get your own suite, and the fourth suite belongs to the three of you collectively. You are so fortunate to have the facilities to be able to do this. What are you waiting for?
 
it really doesn't sound like you have a problem. Sounds like you just need to organize the house a bit hahaha
 
I had the exact same thought as Neon. One suite each, with your personal belongings there, and your personal space, and the ability to be alone or invite whoever you want into it (well, you'll make your own rules and decide). And a shared space that is for all of you.
That sounds like my ideal place and configuration, I'm not sure why you're all sharing one room when you could all have your own personal space!
 
One suite each, with your personal belongings there, and your personal space, and the ability to be alone or invite whoever you want into it (well, you'll make your own rules and decide). And a shared space that is for all of you.

I bet redpepper would totally die to have that kind of arrangement.
 
I bet redpepper would totally die to have that kind of arrangement.

I'd still want a full seperate suite with kitchen and all that but it is very close :) Actually it wouldn't be ideal for me at all now that I think about it but it is a nice thing to each have thier own bathroom :) a tri-plex or quad-plex would be ideal.
 
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I'd still want a full seperate suite with kitchen and all that but it is very close :) Actually it wouldn't be ideal for me at all now that I think about it but it is a nice thing to each have thier own bathroom :) a tri-plex or quad-plex would be ideal.

Then would an arrangement similar the one in Sister Wives be your ideal? One big house that's basically three "apartments", with each their own kitchen, bathrooms, etc.

As for me, I'd want a shared living room and a shared kitchen, for sure. But a room for each person that could be a living room, office, bedroom or anything like that. And having your own bathroom would definitely be really great.
I guess in a way, my ideal place is a bit like a dorm... Well I'm not sure if you know the kind of dorm I mean... The place opens onto a shared space, then there are doors that each lead to an "apartment", except the apartment doesn't have a kitchen has the kitchen is shared. There is a shared living room with couch, TV and so on, but a smaller living area in each apartment as well.
I think something like that could work really nice. If one wants to be alone, one goes to their private area. And people in the public one are saying "I'm feeling like being in your company".

I guess I'm not sure exactly how much area I'd want individually and how much I'd want shared. It seems interesting enough to be its own topic, though. Although I guess we are still on topic here, somewhat?
 
Then would an arrangement similar the one in Sister Wives be your ideal? One big house that's basically three "apartments", with each their own kitchen, bathrooms, etc.

Bingo, and that is pretty much what I will have by the end of this month :) I wouldn't want to share that much space as in being a room mate, I like my isolation too much. I'm pretty happy with our arrangement although it could be better with respect to privacy for Redpepper and access to her room.

Sorry for the hi-jack...
 
Other than some adjustments for your comfort to make, this looks like a good thing for you all. Some thoughts:

One of the things I am noticing about myself, is after 3 or 4 days of her being here - I am missing mine and my partner's impromptu private moments and I start emotionally shutting down. I don't like this about me.

yet - the other night, my partner in bed with me, NM in her own bed - he reached for me in this private intimate way he and I share - and I withdrew, for I knew - it was no longer a private situation. NM was there, in the room.


That does sound a little tough, I can see why you worry. The feeling of always being observed? Never having completely 'private' space with your partner? I also get a little edgy when I'm around our 3rd too many days in a row, just because I don't feel I can get my regular mental downtime. I can also imagine the loss of those shared partner moments is hard.

Respect that, make sure you build in space. It isn't 'rejecting' of anyone, just an acknowledgement of the needs. Maybe just schedule in evenings when one person will be away and you have the house to yourself? That works for us to openly schedule our needed times together and apart. Or Neon's popular one:

You each get your own suite, and the fourth suite belongs to the three of you collectively.

Three friend of mine did nearly exactly this and it was quite successful. Of course they weren't 'master suites', just small bedrooms. Therefore each had private space for their stuff and their private moments and if they wanted to sleep alone. Anyone wanted to sleep together or *ahem* 'cuddle' would sleep in the shared room. Generally two of them stuck to the shared room and the third would join or leave as she saw fit, but it could fluctuate however everyone felt.

It sounds like this isn't what you really want though, at the moment you and your partner want to stay together in the same bed all the time? Still, might be good idea to set it up as described above and establish the precedent that it's totally fine for anyone to shelter in their private space - someday when you decide it sounds like a nice idea, it's there for you.
 
this experience i delve from my last poly relationship no longer active so forgive me....
I have lived with a poly boyfriend and his wife for a temporary time due to loss of home and lack of finances for half a year... he and i were involved and not she and i, a "v" with him being the bottom and she and i the hinges (i think i got those terms right? LOL) anyways ...I found a huge difference in the way i was with him then when with him and her.... i just found that really.....
it was just so much F-ing easier to have impromptu intimacies between us when was nobody but us around. and it is not cus i didnt enjoy havign her around,not cus i didn't like living with her, not cus i wanted him all to myself...not at all! but just...its so much easier to well bang the gong (sorry, im listening to that song as we speak...) when there isn't sumbody in the room .... least fer me.
i just enjoy my privacy. i crave the company of my loved ones, i loved the blended family but... after i moved out...i realized i also like..forgive me fer saying...just laying on the sofa in my lingerie watching tv in the evening b4 bed and then having my boyfriend drop by unexpectedly for a visit and just stroll right on in and find me and well..erhem.... nuff said ;-) anyways....
i have often wondered how after having tasted a relationship while in my own place how to keep that barrier of privacy and intimacy i enjoy while living alone and dating while moving forward to the goal of moving back in again and living all under same roof<--referring to any future relationships btw.
the only solution that seemed to make sense was separate rooms...hell a granny suite actually. a way for me to be a part of their home and life, but still have my own space if i needed it...and my own bedroom for me and my bf... and most importantly..... a room for my bf and his other significant other....so they can be alone too.
i think its important to share but also, have alone time too... you know? but that for me. everybody is different.
perhaps you are finding that, like me, you need that separation..that room of yer own, your time alone with each other in your own place while still sharing your lives under same roof.... ? if you are, there's nutting wrong with that. every relationship is different what works fer the goose doesn't necessarily work fer the gander, even in poly relationships! I'm sorry if i am wrong about what i said...
anyways i hope you work through this and feel better!
if i can leave on one note... keep the lines of communication WIDE open... you three chat it out, work thru this together... and i 'm sure u'll figure this out!
(((hugs)))))
 
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Actually, he was the hinge, or pivot, and you were the arms/legs.
 
I read this post with great interest...and can I just say that in all my thinking about how we are going to make a poly relationship work, the loss of those private moments had not occured to me.

But a realisation did sink in when I read this that my DH would also be having private moments with the 3rd, or she would wonder why she was living with us.

So thank you.... I as yet can not offer any help, other than to say it is posts like this that make me realise that we will have a work in progress when we find someone that we both like to join us.
 
I just had to say, as a funny thought hit me. I would really kill to lose some private time right now. haha... funny realization looking at this as someone with an LDR. Appreciate the fact that you have these problems ;)
 
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