New to it all

AilaLynn

New member
Hello everyone! I'm Lynn and I am new to the whole polyamory thing.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years now. To start with I have always been open minded about a lot of things. I have been bisexual for as long as I can remember and never understood why one can't be happy with more than one person. I just never knew there was a term for it.

My husband is the first person (man) who actually accepts my bisexuality, embraces it, and allows me the freedom to pursue it, WITHOUT the jealously issues. He also is the only person I had found who is on the same wave length and is as open as I am about things. To start out with, we had initially agreed to have 3somes every once in a while with women we trust but it was more like they were our play-toy or friends with benefits when it suited us.

After a couple of years we started off joking about the idea of having someone as a relationship, in a sense, with us. It went from joking to serious discussions.

I started talking to his ex-wife and we clicked right away. Now, she lives with us (I fell for her pretty quick and we get along wonderfully) and the 3 of us are involved with one another. He, however, is rarely home as he works across country.

So, I do have some questions because it is a unique situation (I mean how many people actually get involved with ex-wives and so on? lol). I wanted his children with us so they can grow up with our children (their half-siblings). He tells me all the time that the only reason he is involved with her is because he wants me to be happy. He knows I need a female companion, I want the kids here, and I need help around the house with all the kids (there's 5 all together for now).
I DO care for her and love her in my own way because she provides different things for me that he can't. (I won't be with another male while with him and have no interest for some reason) Anyways, I love him in a different way that I don't think I ever could for her because 1. he's my best friend 2.we are so in sync with our ways of thinking about things 3. we understand each other as no others have 4.we communicate way more on more things than either of us have ever seen anyone do. We are soul mates, to sum it up....

I kind of feel bad because I know he does not trust her nor does he really have deep feelings towards her anymore and not like he does for me. He has told her numerous times (I have overheard this and she has told me) that if I ever leave she will be gone right then. He does care about her in some ways, but I think it is mainly for the 2 kids they had together before and because he wants me happy.

He does try to treat her equally, but there are a lot of times she and I both notice he leans more towards me.
Anyways, even though is it working out well so far, can this eventually cause issues where I will have to end things with her because of his not really wanting to be with her with a close relationship like he and I have?
Sure, we have had issues so far with jealousy and envy, but it has been from her end. We have worked through that and she feels horrible that she has done it and has sought out treatment for it (turns out she has a chemical imbalance). It's gotten significantly better.
Also, is it normal or okay to feel slight twinges of envy or slight hurt when it is his night to go to sleep in her room? I mean because I know what they are doing. Some days it bothers me slightly and some days it does not. I think some parts of it is because I want to be there too, but we have it set up where we rotate nights so that each gets individual time together...and we have nights where the 3 of us enjoy each other when the mood hits.
I know that is a lot to read and I apologize.....I just am not sure how to word it and not sure where else to ask for advice. I'm new to it so am not sure the best ways to make sure it is balanced and everyone can be happy and enjoy life together without any major issues.

I already know that I have no worries of him leaving me for her, that isn't a problem. I just worry his distrust of her and his acting as if he has to do it because of keeping the kids together and my happiness is going to make it so her and I have to end our relationship (even though me being with her does not bother him). He just feels he has to give her what she wants in order to keep her there because she wants to be with him as much as with me. She has also told me she has issues sometimes because she does not want to share me, yet she does not want to share him either....
Sooooo...how do I best work through this so everyone can be happy, be themselves, and enjoy life and the kids?
 
If he doesn't have much feelings for her, doesn't trust her and she feels similarly, why are they romantic/sexual partners? you know, a triad, where three people are romantically/sexually involved is one form of polyamory, but actually the majority of polyamorous people have multiple romantic relationships that are separate from one another. They don't share partners at all.

Wouldn't it lessen the pressure a bit if they were given the option to not be involved in the way they are and then you could continue your relationship with her and they could go back to being co parents?
 
It would be nice if it were that easy lol. As I said, he does care for her somewhat. He just thinks he has to be involved with her in order to keep her there because it is what she wants. If she leaves then I would no longer have my companion, the help, or my step-kids with me because she would take my step-kids with her (which I understand since they are her children). He knows that if she left or the kids left I would be devastated. He does not want that to happen, so he gives her what she wants in that aspect so that I can be happy. (He just does not understand the concept that I can be happy with a different situation to have the kids here). Does that make sense?

He has tried on several occasions to tell her that just a friendship between him and her is okay with him and what he wants. Even if it is just a friends with benefits every now and then. Yet, she still does not want that. So, he obligates himself to the whole thing with her.

In some ways it bugs me because what if he and I decide we want to have a relationship with someone we BOTH trust and care for and not just me being the one who feels for the other person...I'm afraid she will prevent that from happening, even though it is the lifestyle we have wanted before she ever came along.

I don't want him with her out of an obligation for the kids and I, but how can he get out of it with her when she will not accept that happening? If she flips out because of it, then that means the kids will essentially be taken from us and moved across country with her. Yet I don't want to lose her either. I just can't get either one of them to understand he does NOT have to be with her if he does not feel the want to be involved....Complicated I know....Hence why I asked for advice. *sighs* I already know I would never choose her over him. So, that is not the issue.
 
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Welcome!

I'm sorry you are struggling though. :(

It doesn't sound complicated to me. Complicated to FEEL maybe, but not complicated BEHAVIOR.

You want to have the ex-wife as GF/lover and cohabitate so all the children live under one roof. Your DH and his ex-wife go along with this and try it on. Now you feel struggle because you now know DH is not really into her as is doing it "for you", and you know she is into him and because you care about her, probably don't want her being used/strung along.

So how do you restore right relationship within yourself, with DH, and with her?

can this eventually cause issues where I will have to end things with her because of his not really wanting to be with her with a close relationship like he and I have?

You already have issues. Otherwise why post?

Could ASK them both where they stand rather than wait for things to explode from tension or whatever.

Could ask DH to confirm that he prefers to STOP having sex with the ex-wife. Could tell him you are ok with it, and you are ok dealing with whatever happens next once he ends it. He doesn't have to put out and have sex with her for your sake. Is he ok if you continue to date her? Continue to cohabitate? Could get answers.

Could also ask your GF (his ex wife) if their side of the triad breaking up means she also wants to break up with you. If that means she wants to stop living together. Ask her if she's aware you want to continue to date other people and not be exclusive. Could get answers.

Could ask you what YOU want? Maybe you want to date her but NOT cohabitate but live nearby?

You could lean into it and resolve it rather than shy away from it from fear of potential conflict. You seem to be avoiding it because you don't want to feel anything yucky once it is out in the open. And in being avoidy... things could just escalate.

You could think about changing your conflict resolution method from "avoid" to something else. It's being felt now -- at least by you and DH. She seems to know he's not all that into her. So... you tried it on and found it's not working for ALL parties.

Galagirl
 
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Welcome Lynn,
I'm glad you could join our forum.

Re:
"Sooooo ... how do I best work through this so everyone can be happy, be themselves, and enjoy life and the kids?"

I'm afraid you may be trying to solve an impossible problem. Your husband and his ex-wife don't have compatible feelings about what they want from each other, and these are the kind of feelings that have to do with chemistry, they aren't customizable, let alone by anything you do since you aren't in that dyad.

The only hope would be for your husband to explore the reasons why he doesn't trust her, and see if there is any way to rectify the root causes of that mistrust. Maybe if he trusted her more he would be more inclined to relate to her romantically. All of this would take a lot of work and cooperation on his part though, and she might have to do some things to restore the trust as well.

Things like bits of jealousy over her nights with him, and her reluctance to share, are emotional states that may fade away over time. Sometimes it helps to communicate (such as a three-person sit-down) about these feelings, not assigning blame, just getting them out there. It may be a good idea anyway to have regular sit-downs (such as once a week or once a month), especially in the early stages of your triad relationship.

On the other hand, if she continues to not want to share, and that feeling becomes more instead of less intense, then you could be headed for a nasty break-up somewhere down the road. You're exposing yourself to a certain amount of risk by venturing further into this triad relationship. It looks like you're already committed to it though, so I guess you'll have to see where it leads.

Perhaps you will benefit from the Life stories and blogs board, where you can observe experiences other people have had with poly, and what has and hasn't worked for them. Plus the Poly Relationships Corner is a good place to post further thoughts, questions, and concerns.

I am sympathetic knowing you just want everyone to be happy and are trying your best to be helpful to your companions. I wish you well in your endeavors and hope this post helps in some small way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you all for your responses.
Gala, you are right on the nose with your understanding of it. I was afraid it was something too complicated for most to get. I never thought of it from that aspect as being complicated to feel, not complicated behavior. That helps make things easier to look at. Thanks for the different questions posed.

Kevin,
We already do sit downs and discussions. I've been trying to facilitate that a lot. We've discovered that he doesn't trust her because of stuff she did and put him through while they were married. We've discovered that they have nothing in common for the most part. Yesterday she told me she can't understand why it is hard for him to understand or "get" what she is trying to say when she tells him of stuff she is dealing with, yet she can tell me and I get it completely. She says it confuses her because he and I are like 1 and the same person with everything except maybe 5% to 10% of who we are, including he is male and I am female lol. I don't know how to get him to acknowledge her issues when she brings them to him because he acknowledges me and mine when I put them forth, so I know he can and he is very good at it.
I will be attempting to get them to look at the root of his distrust of her, but as you said, Kevin, he has to be willing to work through it.

Thank you all for the diferent words of advice. I will see if those will help.
 
Whew, wow. You are asking a lot of your husband, by falling in love with and making him live with his ex wife. And he is certainly in a strange place, fucking his ex so she won't leave YOU!

Wow. He and she broke up for a reason. Or reasons. Now you want to love and fuck her, and you want HER kids with you, so your husband has to fuck her.... She wants that. Just loving you and fucking you isn't enough for her.

Yikes.

If you insist he does NOT have to fuck her so she will stay... and he stops, and she leaves, why does she have to then take her kids and move "across the country?" If she loves you, why can't she get a place in town, to continue being near YOU, to let the kids be with their half siblings? Does she love you really? Why would she leave YOU if her ex told her he just doesn't feel sexual chemistry for her anymore?

There are billions of women in the world. Why did you choose to fall in love with and have move in the woman your husband divorced?
 
Re:
"We already do sit downs and discussions. I've been trying to facilitate that a lot."

Excellent. I think I would continue to try to do that; it sounds like there is more insight to be gleaned from it.
 
Whew, wow. You are asking a lot of your husband, by falling in love with and making him live with his ex wife. And he is certainly in a strange place, fucking his ex so she won't leave YOU!

Wow. He and she broke up for a reason. Or reasons. Now you want to love and fuck her, and you want HER kids with you, so your husband has to fuck her.... She wants that. Just loving you and fucking you isn't enough for her.

Yikes.

If you insist he does NOT have to fuck her so she will stay... and he stops, and she leaves, why does she have to then take her kids and move "across the country?" If she loves you, why can't she get a place in town, to continue being near YOU, to let the kids be with their half siblings? Does she love you really? Why would she leave YOU if her ex told her he just doesn't feel sexual chemistry for her anymore?

There are billions of women in the world. Why did you choose to fall in love with and have move in the woman your husband divorced?

Well, we both wanted the kids here with us, but we couldn't take the kids from her because we can't prove her unfit. We had both agreed to do what it takes to get the kids here with us. We both agreed to move her in with us, but had planned originally to get her a place of her own down here. It wasn't actually supposed to turn out as it did. He introduced her and I. I guess he thought it would be a civil or platonic friendship between all involved. Originally he and I had wanted to have this with anyone else but her. So, we got her down here and it ended up she wanted us both. She and I clicked. He and her are civil and DO care for one another, but more her than him. He decided he would do what it takes to keep the kids here, which means to have to be involved with her as she wants. The kids would go across country because that is where she is from and her family is as well. We wouldn't be able to legally keep the kids while she left without a drawn out court battle.

I've thought about having her get her own place nearby so he doesn't have to deal with being with her when he is home (he only comes home for 1 week every 5 to 9 weeks because of his job) but he knows it won't be good for the kids because she stresses easily and they don't listen to her much. They do better with me and I'm more level headed. So, we both decided to keep her with us in the house.

I never expected to fall for her, it just happened. So, technically I didn't choose to fall for my husband's ex. He is okay with it though. So when you say I'm MAKING him, that offends me. I'm not MAKING him do anything. He is choosing to do it and we BOTH agreed to it. He just has it in his head that I have to have her here to be happy because he is afraid that if his kids are taken away it will devastate me...which it will...but it will devastate him more because they are his biological kids. He and I BOTH want his kids to grow up with ours since they are half-siblings. I never got to grow up with mine and he never got to grow up with his. So, neither of us are close to our siblings due to that.

It is a complicated situation, but please do not insinuate that I am making him do things he does not want to do. He chooses to do things for whatever reasons that are his own. If he wants to cut things off with her totally, then that is okay with me. I will survive and support him with it. He is my "primary" so to speak. My marital bonds are with him, not her. I have promises towards him, not her. We will find other ways to get to see the kids if it ends up that way....
So, I didn't ask advice to be accused of forcing anyone into anything. I was asking in order to find ways to help them get past whatever issues they have so we can all be happy together to benefit each other and the kids. I was merely trying to explain his reasons that are his own and that he sees it as in his head.
 
Well, keep us posted on any new insights that come out of your sit downs and discussions. Communication is so important.
 
OK, her own kids don't listen to her, she is a somewhat ineffective parent? Yet, she has full custody and could take them to another state if she so pleased, at any time?

You're a better mom, both to your own kids and to hers? So, your h being going more than he is home (by a long shot! one week home, 5-9 weeks away!), he wants his kids with her to have a more effectual mom (step-mom) than his ex?

He comes home and has to have sex with her a few times in that one week, and that keeps her feeling wanted enough that she will stay with you, in your house, and you get more siblings for your own kids. This helps heal a childhood wound of yours...

But she is jealous of his time spent with you, and she is jealous of your time spent with him. And he doesn't trust her, or love her (much, if at all), but will fuck her just to keep her there so neither woman has to be a single mom while he's away 5-9 weeks at a time.

Very unusual situation. Almost Biblical.
 
OK, her own kids don't listen to her, she is a somewhat ineffective parent? Yet, she has full custody and could take them to another state if she so pleased, at any time?

You're a better mom, both to your own kids and to hers? So, your h being going more than he is home (by a long shot! one week home, 5-9 weeks away!), he wants his kids with her to have a more effectual mom (step-mom) than his ex?

He comes home and has to have sex with her a few times in that one week, and that keeps her feeling wanted enough that she will stay with you, in your house, and you get more siblings for your own kids. This helps heal a childhood wound of yours...

But she is jealous of his time spent with you, and she is jealous of your time spent with him. And he doesn't trust her, or love her (much, if at all), but will fuck her just to keep her there so neither woman has to be a single mom while he's away 5-9 weeks at a time.

Very unusual situation. Almost Biblical.

Magdlyn,
She was granted custody (she left and fled to another state across country) because in most cases if the mom can't be proven unfit the kids are given to her. In this case, when she left and my husband fought for custody they said that they had been with her for too long to grant him the custody and they had no proof of her being unfit at all. (when she took off it took over a year to track her down and find her in order to do the divorce and custody battles). She still has full legal custody. for now.

My husband has the idea to let her stay with us and then at tax time when he claims them on taxes to prove he and I have been supporting the kids, then we have a better chance of getting them. Since she has no home, job, or anything other than custody payments we have better grounds to fight for them. This also makes it easier as they will be able to say they enjoy staying with us more than with her alone.

Even then, I still feel that the kids do need their own mother because it is important for kids to have their biological parents in their lives as much as possible. Neither of mine were ever really in my life much and I was raised by grandparents or aunts and uncles, back and forth. Due to this I felt, as a child, that my parents didn't care. I don't want that for any of my step-kids.

Despite all this, I do care for her and love her in my own way. He does care about her because she is his kids' mother.

I just want everything to be able to be smoothed out so the kids can have a happy and functional family unit that are strong and there for them no matter what. This also helps them be able to have someone to go to when they need it. If they can't go to her, then they can come to me and my husband or vice versa.

I don't know about biblical, but unusual, yes. That's why I asked for advice on some ways to help open communication between her and him in order for it to be easier for the 3 of us to be able to communicate on all levels, especially important ones. She and I communicate great when alone. He and I communicate superbly, always have. but she and him do not.

Since sitting down and having talks with them, she has done much better on dealing with her jealousy issues about my spending time with him and him with me. A lot of it was due to when he comes home a lot of my time has been taken away from her. She finally opened up and said she felt like he was taking me from her, in a way. So we agreed that when he is home that her and I would get a few hours alone for a day or two at some point during that week. She has also said that she had gotten used to having me all to herself the majority of the time and it bothered her to have that suddenly "taken away". I just wish she would have let us know this before it started causing issues for her and all of us. We would have been able to come up with a solution if she would have said something about it. (She was raised Mormon and grew up in a polygymous family, so she is familiar with poly of some form.)

We are still having issues with her communicating properly with him or the two of us together, BUT we are still working on it. She has been on her meds and that has also helped a lot with her moods, as it is slowly getting more leveled out. THANK goodness! lol.

KDT, I certainly will keep you guys updated.
 
Is she aware of this idea:

My husband has the idea to let her stay with us and then at tax time when he claims them on taxes to prove he and I have been supporting the kids, then we have a better chance of getting them. Since she has no home, job, or anything other than custody payments we have better grounds to fight for them. This also makes it easier as they will be able to say they enjoy staying with us more than with her alone.

If not, why not?

If yes, does she consider this him / you demonstrating "caring behavior" toward her?

she has no home, job, or anything other than custody payments.

I just wish she would have let us know this before it started causing issues for her and all of us.


Are you able to see the skewed power dynamic here?

Did you consider asking each player for their willingness/ability to continue to participate in this polyship in a healthy way? What was the outcome of your consideration?

Galagirl
 
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Is she aware of this idea:



If not, why not?

If yes, does she consider this him / you demonstrating "caring behavior" toward her?






Are you able to see the skewed power dynamic here?

Did you consider asking each player for their willingness/ability to continue to participate in this polyship in a healthy way? What was the outcome of your consideration?

Galagirl

No, I do not see the power dynamic here. Please elaborate? If it pertains to my husband's idea on getting custody, that is his idea and his plan. It was not and is not mine. The only thing I am attempting to do is better the communication between all and ensure all involved can be happy.

Though I do know she has said that a lot of times she feels inadequate because she is unable to communicate at and on the same level and same wavelength my husband and I do with each other. This is not a power dynamic, but rather the way she is?

I just know that I am fighting to get everyone involved to communicate openly in order to make this work. I did ask all parties involved if they are willing to continue to participate in this poly relationship in a healthy way. They all agreed with me that there needs to be better communicate between ALL parties involved, not just between her and him or me and her, but ALL of us. She has been trying to work on it, but she has only been working on it towards me. She still goes off on my hubby quite a bit. He has attempted to gain better communication with her, but hasn't tried that hard. He is willing to be involved in the poly relationship for his own reasons (the ones I tried to explain as being his reasoning in previous posts). I'm willing for several reasons myself (being as I have always been open to poly, care for her, want the kids here, want everyone to be able to be happy and fulfilled and be able to have a wonderful life all together). She wants it because she cares for him and I and because she knows we are trying to help her.
 
Re:
"She finally opened up and said she felt like he was taking me from her, in a way. So we agreed that when he is home, she and I would get a few hours alone for a day or two at some point during that week."

Sounds like you made some progress there; that's good to hear.
 
Your GF (his ex) has no other home and no money other than his payments to her. So how "free" is she to tell you how she really feels about you, about him, or about the dynamic?

When one wrong word could mean you guys kicking her out of the home, stopping payments, and her having to chase him through the courts for it? All with having to provide for the kids and start all over?

That's what I mean about a skewed power dynamic.

She may SAY pretty things to you and to him... but how authentic could it be?

You keep "fighting" to make a thing that won't naturally fly, fly.

Your hubby seems like he is in it for ulterior motives -- "to set her up" an gain legal custody of the kids.

That's all messed up sounding to me and does not bode well. It does not sound healthy to me. I am sorry. :(

Galagirl
 
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Your GF (his ex) has no other home and no money other than his payments to her. So how "free" is she to tell you how she really feels about you, about him, or about the dynamic?

When one wrong word could mean you guys kicking her out of the home, stopping payments, and her having to chase him through the courts for it? All with having to provide for the kids and start all over?

That's what I mean about a skewed power dynamic.

She may SAY pretty things to you and to him... but how authentic could it be?

You keep "fighting" to make a thing that won't naturally fly, fly.

Your hubby seems like he is in it for ulterior motives -- "to set her up" an gain legal custody of the kids.

That's all messed up sounding to me and does not bode well. It does not sound healthy to me. I am sorry. :(

Galagirl

I never quite looked at it that way. :( It saddens me to do so though, because I truly want something great and fulfilling. Probably because I do care for everyone so much. I don't want her to go at all. Even if she does decide to not be involved with us or me, we will get her a place nearby at least so the kids can be near to us. My husband has told her this plenty of times, "If you don't want to be here or with us then I will get you your own place if that is what you want." My husband is true to his word, so I do believe that if she ever decided she wanted out or anything that he would make good on his word and get her a smaller place nearby. I hope it won't ever come to that, but if it does I would hope she genuinely cares for me to still be with me at least.
So, despite the power dynamic appearance, she does have options and choices and we would help. He just won't help if she decides to go back across country again to her mother.
Am I just fooling myself in hoping or trying so hard? Should I even bother to try? I mean it seems to be doing better with communicating between her and I. and a somewhat attempt between him and her. He did care more for her at one time, is it possible for it to get back to that point at least a little bit? We are putting her through college/university in jan. because it is what she wants, so we are doing everything we can to make sure she is happy. He more on the financial aspects , me more on the emotional and everything else she could need or want (she even says I spoil her a lot), but I can only do so much.

Ugh now I am gonna be questioning everything everyone does when it pertains to this. :(

This just sucks because it was something agreed to initially when it developed, if I had any inkling that no one would have truly made efforts I wouldn't have agreed to go along with it. I just don't want anyone to be doing it for "obligations" and I want everyone to genuinely care. I guess if things can't be fixed so that those two can be as happy as I am when with them individually, then I suppose I'll have to chalk it up as a painful loss and try again with someone else I know he can care for just as much. I just don't feel right being with someone without him being with them too, in a lot of ways it makes me feel wrong to leave him out of anything. He's so much a part of me and my life I want him to be as happy as I am and I do know he is open to the lifestyle, so I know he can be fulfilled in all ways. Does that make sense?
I was just truly hoping the first attempt would be better than it turned out to be. I'm just having difficulties understanding why everyone can't be as happy as I would like. As I said earlier, they did care for one another at one point in time, so why is it so hard for them to be able to muster that up enough to make this work?

Btw, in case you were wondering, Yes, he was the one to bring up the whole POSSIBILITY of the poly thing initially (but he knew from the time we met that I am open to it). Then we sat down and discussed it and we both agreed to it, then he broached it with her when she still lived across country, and she agreed to it as a possibility and moved down here. We completely funded her move. Then she completely agreed to it when she met me. So, that part is what is making it hard for me to understand some things. Like, why would she agree to it and make the move across country if she wasn't okay with it? Why would he broach it if he wasn't willing to even try or truly be into it? This is making my head spin in trying to pinpoint what needs to be fixed so that things can move forward, no matter what way it will go. *sighs*

Thanks for the different views and such, it helps me to see things I hadn't seen or noticed before. It helps to know what I am dealing with so I know what to do.
 
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Re:
"As I said earlier, they did care for one another at one point in time, so why is it so hard for them to be able to muster that up enough to make this work?"

To answer that question, I think you'd have to dig to the root of what made them decide to break up in the first place. That would probably take some heavy-duty communication on both their parts, and may require a (poly-friendly) counselor. Did they both decide to break up, or was that mainly his idea?

Re:
"Yes, he was the one to bring up the whole *possibility* of the poly thing initially. Then we sat down and discussed it and we both agreed to it, then he broached it with her when she still lived across country, and she agreed to it as a possibility and moved down here. We completely funded her move."

The desire to be with one's kids is a powerful force. It is unfortunately possible that he initiated all this because it was the only way he could think of to get his kids back, even if he didn't *necessarily* intend to snatch custody away from her. The point is, getting her to move back to your part of the country does give him considerable access to his kids that he otherwise wouldn't have. So his motives have to be questioned. It would unfortunately explain why he doesn't *really* want to have sex with her. :(

I get the impression that she wants to repair her relationship with him, but he isn't quite so interested in repairing his relationship with her. It sounds like he's doing the bare minimum in that area, of what's necessary to keep his kids around.

The situation might not be hopeless though. Even if his motives aren't 100% pure, there's a chance that your encouragement to keep him and her communicating may lead to an insight of something that could fix their relationship. But it's also possible that this is a job for a professional, so if you can find a poly-friendly counselor (for all three of you), by all means do so.

At the moment, what I see is that his current amount of effort is just enough to keep her -- and their kids -- around. Plus he now has a back-up plan to take the kids from her if she tries to move across the country again. Which adds up to less incentive for him to try to improve things with her any more than he already has. So you have your work cut out for you if you want to fix the him-her dynamic. There's a limit to what you can do since you aren't in their dyad. Both of them need to be willing to put considerable effort into this.

What might make this seem the most worth it to him? perhaps that it would be good for his kids to see him and their mother getting along better? that it would reduce the hassle required to keep his kids in his home? If a selfish motive is what he has to start with, maybe it can morph into something more sincere after his relationship with her begins to improve. But once again, I think you'd need (with lots of their help) to dig down to the reason/s he and she broke up in the first place.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. We can't be mind readers, so we can't know what's going on in his mind, but we can make guesses based on the known facts. I guess the question now is, do you still feel like it's worth it to you? If so, prepare yourself to work with what you have, even if what you have isn't as ideal as you originally believed.

I'm pulling for you to discover some good news.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Re:

Did they both decide to break up, or was that mainly his idea?

She was the one who decided to leave him for the 3rd time. She has some chemical imbalance issues that made her and makes her extremely difficult to live with and she becomes irrational and explodes constantly. Hence, why she is on medication now (due to me pointing out to her she needs it so she can be better for her kids. They already resented her and hated her because of how she has acted for so long without meds and for taking them away from their dad in the first place). She felt it was becoming extremely unhealthy of an environment due to her issues, so she left. He was the one who pursued the divorce and finalized their relationship ending.



Re:
The desire to be with one's kids is a powerful force. It is unfortunately possible that he initiated all this because it was the only way he could think of to get his kids back, even if he didn't *necessarily* intend to snatch custody away from her. The point is, getting her to move back to your part of the country does give him considerable access to his kids that he otherwise wouldn't have. So his motives have to be questioned. It would unfortunately explain why he doesn't *really* want to have sex with her. :(

That makes sense why he isn't truly interested and doesn't try that hard. I, too, noticed he does the bare minimum to keep her happy to keep her here. He even grumbles and complains to me every time it is his night to spend alone with her. He avoids it for as long as possible and will sit up with me or seek me out to sit with me until he can't stay up any longer. I know he has told her a lot of times that if I ever leave because of her that she can forget being with him because if I'm not here he doesn't want anyone. He's also told her if I leave because of her then she goes too. It just sucks cause I hate to see her sad. It just sucks it would be for selfish reasons, you know. Yet, at the same time I can understand his want of his kids being around. I want them around too, but I'm not gonna make her stay if she doesn't want to. I can understand him not trusting her because she has screwed him over so many times, but to lead someone on just for the kids? I don't wanna be the one to tell her that he doesn't care for her (some of the things he tells me) because he should be the one to do that. But I think she already knows he doesn't because she has commented to me that she knows "he doesn't want me cause if he did he wouldn't tell me every chance he gets that if you go then I go."(her words).
also know he has told me he doesn't care what she thinks or feels about it when we decide to bring someone into a relationship with us. He says if we find someone we both click with and it goes into a relationship then it's gonna happen. He says she can get over herself and it is our life to be free to be with who we want to. I have to agree with that because I'm not limiting ourselves on the love we give out just because one person doesn't want us to do that.

Thank you for the insight kevin, I never questioned it being for reasons purely for the kids I assumed he did care at least a little or he wouldn't be dealing with the crap she puts him through. In that light, I guess you are right, people would put up with a lot if it meant getting to keep their kids.
 
Well, I hope she and he come to some kind peace about things eventually.
 
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