Super Big Problem

riftara

New member
So, I found out today that my birth control wasn't active, and wont be until the 26th.

Ive had unprotected sex then, with F only, on the days I ovulated.

This means a 67-81 % chance of pregnancy.

I have a couple of options, so what do you think I should do.

A - say nothing, avoid sex until Monday when it is active, and deal with a pregnancy if it shows up when it shows up (this keeps everyone happy, well until a positive pregnancy test comes up)

B - tell everyone that there is a possibility, I know F is highly against anything other than regular birthcontrol for stopping a pregnancy, he considers it life from conception. (this would cause a big upset, F would likely loose all trust in me, John would hate me for not having sex with him during this time since he actually wants another kid) and if Im not all these problems will be for naught and cause long term effects in my relationships

C - Say nothing, take precautions to avoid implantation (the morning after pill or a certain concoction of herbs I know), and dont mention it. Ever. To anyone. (well other than this) I know this would be the end of me and F if he found out. But unless it drove me crazy, he would never know. The down side to this is if it doesnt work, I HAVE to have a regular abortion, which would also kill my relationship with F.

so what do I do
A with a negative - hurt no one, lie by omission
A with a positive - possible hurt to everyone, lie by omission or maybe strait out in the answer to how could this have happened
B with a negative - hurt everyone, tell the truth
B with a positive - hurt everyone, tell the truth
C with a negative (either by my actions or a true negative) hurt no one, lie (about what Im taking if nothing else, they watch me closely because of my bi-polar)
C with a positive - hurt everyone, lie, have to go through an abortion, loose my relationship with F
 
B - Tell everyone there is a possibility and make sure to use condoms the rest of the month. All my hormonal BC has always said to wait one full cycle.

Lying can only cause more problems. If F is such a jerk to lose trust in you for misunderstanding a "new" bc method (read it on your blog post), cut him loose, he's not worth it. Did he take any interest to research it and find out about it? No, shame on him!

Will your husband really hate you, even knowing how distraught you are over this whole debacle? Personally I believe that you should tell him first and immediately and tell everyone else tomorrow.

Seriously, most bc have some failure rate, even when you do it exactly right. I was on the pill when my youngest was conceived, I just started the new pack a day late because I couldn't get to the pharmacy on time.
 
B. An unwanted pregnancy scare is a part of many/most women's lives. If you can't tell your partners the truth about it and have their support and help through a difficult time, what then is truly the strength of those relationships? Would John really hate you for something that was an accident? Would F really lose all trust for you just for making a crucial decision about your own body, health, and future?

Going through a pregnancy, as I'm sure you know, can be incredibly tough on a woman, both mentally and physically. And bringing a new life into the world is a responsibility that, imho, should be taken on only when the time is right. It's easy for guys to stand by the sidelines and make decisions about what women should do, but they're not the ones who have to carry those choices out, are they? :/

So yeah. I wouldn't blame you for any choice you make, but my vote is for B. If the truth brings trouble, then let it come and see where you are on the other side. Easy for me to say, I know. Good luck.
 
its only a few months that i have been using it and its 100% different from what Ive taken before, it works from 3 hours after insertion, if you put it in within 3 days of the end of your period, if you dont, it takes 7 days to kick in. I found this out because I was checking to see if there would be any interactions with the pain meds I am on. I put it in as soon as the pharmacy would let me get it. You can also have it out for up to 3 hours without interfering with its protection, so you can take it out if it interferes with sex. Its actually really cool, but everything said it worked from day 1, when it doesnt really, unless you put it in as soon as your period is over.

My first or second month, I skipped a period. That caused all sorts of crap, including a huge fight with F, which is how I know that he considers life from conception.
 
My first or second month, I skipped a period. That caused all sorts of crap, including a huge fight with F, which is how I know that he considers life from conception.

I find it appalling that he would give you this much grief over your struggles with your bc. If he has this big of an issue with when life starts, then it should be him in charge of making sure you DON'T get pregnant, instead of bitching that you didn't do it right. That's just bull shit.
 
Seriously. If a guy knows he absolutely can't handle the idea of either a baby or an abortion, he should wear a condom and take some responsibility for trying to control the possible outcomes of piv sex. Ultimately it's up to the female partner and she may not always make the choice he wanted or that either of them even expected.

A good friend of mine ended up being a father when he badly didn't want to be because his fwb, who had sworn she didn't want kids, changed her mind when her bc failed. And you know what that was absolutely her right, because it had been an honest accident (she went on antibiotics and didn't realize what that would do) and at that point she was the one with a potential life growing inside her so she had to be the one to decide.
 
He got upset because I took precautions - took some herbs that I know in combination will prevent implantation (as I stated in my blog, Im an herbalist)
when I was late but didnt have a positive test. I took them the entire month until I had my period again, and he felt bad for taking me to go get them and not refusing to, since he doesnt believe in abortion.
Now I dont either, after implantation, but in that 2 week period, there are tons of eggs that get to conception but not to implantation. so Im ok with it.

ETA - he didnt stay mad at me or prevent me from taking the herbs.
 
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Your chances of concieving on any particular cycle are only 20%. I would be honest with your partners about what is going on. There's an 80% chance that it will just be a close call and you'll all know better for next time.
 
Lets agree, it is my body, and I make the final determination on what happens IF I am pregnant.

My question is more on a should I shut up until it is a problem or freak everyone out and tell them the possibility, which I mean its a possibility every month, and we all know this, but bringing that possibility to light may have long-reaching relationship problems for me which Im not sure if its worth omitting the truth until I find out if I am pregnant or not
 
My question is more on a should I shut up until it is a problem or freak everyone out and tell them the possibility, which I mean its a possibility every month, and we all know this, but bringing that possibility to light may have long-reaching relationship problems for me which Im not sure if its worth omitting the truth until I find out if I am pregnant or not

I think it really depends on if we're talking about option A or option C. Option C, if you're pregnant, has the most destructive consequences, so that doesn't seem like a good choice. Lying by omission in option A isn't so bad, as long as you come clean about whose baby it is and how it happened if you do end up being pregnant (don't they deserve to know?).

I still like option B best because it's what I would want from a partner if, y'know, I was capable of impregnating a partner. I would want to be trusted enough to be given the truth about an important issue that affects us both even if my partner was afraid it would hurt me, or hurt our relationship, to know. Trust is just way too important to me, and I want actual trustworthiness from my loved ones, not just the appearance of trustworthiness while they hold back the tough stuff.

So, in order of preference, B, A, C. But I'm getting repetitive now, so I'll stop.
 
I'm sorry you're going through this stress.

I think you should tell them.

These are the risks we take when we play with loaded guns. A good scare might encourage F to take a more active role in BC. Might not, but it might.
 
Honesty is always the best policy as far as I'm concerned. If it turns out that you are pregnant and don't say anything (even though you know it's a possibility) I think that it's going to be worse for everyone involved emotionally than if you deal with it now.
 
Derby - its only a few weeks, and if I say something now and then Im not preggers, then I brought a lot of grief that wasnt necessary

This is what has me pulling between a and b, is the grief brought on by b worth the revealing of the whole truth

or is it better to keep it to myself for now, for this two week wait, and deal with it when its needed, or pass over all grief if it not needed
 
Everyone who has responded to you has told you that option B is your best bet. It is, of course, up to you what you do but the feedback here seems pretty definitive.
 
It sounds like you had made up your mind in advance.

You don't tell them because you want to protect them from grief ... I know this sounds harsh, but that's the argument of cheaters. If they were ever to find out, hell will break loose, don't you think? And why? Because they would have wanted to know and would want a say in the matter because it is to some extent their right to know. One of them is as responsible for this as you are.

I don't believe in any party having more rights when we talk about a pregnancy. It may be the body of the woman during the first months that is more important, but after that time, both parents have the same responsibility. Just because you will be the first one to know what is going on, shouldn't give you the right to handle it on your own.

If you don't want a child for yourself and want to take precautionary measures to make sure you won't get one, it is the time to talk to them now.

If you would be ok with a child and won't make a step to prevent receiving it now (just take precautions from now on), then wait till it's sure that you are pregnant and tell them. There is the possibility that you aren't pregnant still, but you can't change what happened at this point in time.

None of you was up to this possibility and both (all three) of you should have a say in a matter that will affect everyone greatly for the rest of their life. That would be my take on the matter.

Good luck with handling this tough situation and making up your mind.

[Edit. Because I am missing YOUR wishes here kind of. What do you want? Another child? How important would it be if F was the father for your husband? How strong are your families mixed? Would it make a difference (like: this is my child, this is yours or our (meaning all three of you) children)? Some of the questions that came up when I asked my men about their opinion, we would be in a similar situation like you three if it were Lin to be a possible father and not Sward.]
 
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In a similar situation I would tell and insist both of my partners treat me with respect and caring. They have a right to know and to express whatever emotions they have. They do not have the right to be jerks. It was a big mistake, and sometimes in life people make mistakes. They have a right to know that you made that mistake. They do not have the right to insist you be perfect, because nobody is. If that mistake causes F to think you are unreliable with birth control, he needs to choose what he does with that perception, i.e. use a condom or not have PIV intercourse with you. He doesn't have a right to guilt-trip you or pressure you to keep the baby or in any other way act like an ass; it is up to you to stand up to yourself and demand respectful treatment. I find it worrisome that you don't see that as an option, it seems that since you made a mistake they have a right to take their sadness/anger out on you. They don't.

And even though you were the one to make the mistake, it doesn't absolve them from responsibility: you are all in this together. Firstly, F should know sex (I mean hetero-PIV intercourse but don't feel like writing that every time) can cause pregnancy, and if that happens both parties are responsible for that. He knows you have somewhat different opinions about herbal/morning after/abortion: if he feels strongly about that stuff he cannot pretend that bc is 100% effective and then take it out on you when it is not and try to pressure you into decisions you don't want to make. If he seriously has such moral objections he needs to make sure you don't get pregnant (with his baby), i.e. not have sex with you. Secondly, John should know the same about sex. If you have sex with him you can get pregnant. If you have sex with other men, you can get pregnant with their baby. If there is no way he can handle his partner possibly getting pregnant with somebody else's baby, he should not be in a relationship with somebody who has sex with other people. When you both agreed to an open relationship, he took on this risk. Thus, you are not the only one responsible for this situation.
 
If you don't want a child for yourself and want to take precautionary measures to make sure you won't get one, it is the time to talk to them now.

If you would be ok with a child and won't make a step to prevent receiving it now (just take precautions from now on), then wait till it's sure that you are pregnant and tell them. There is the possibility that you aren't pregnant still, but you can't change what happened at this point in time.

None of you was up to this possibility and both (all three) of you should have a say in a matter that will affect everyone greatly for the rest of their life. That would be my take on the matter.


I would be ok with another child, in fact I do want more, I think that is why Im having so much trouble with this. If I knew 100% that I didnt want one, Id tell them and take steps to make sure it didnt go any further, but Ive already done this once, because I skipped a period when I started my birth control and even though I trusted my birth control to work, I had a dream that I was pregnant and it freaked me out a bit so I took precautions to make sure if I was pregnant (never got a positive test) that it would go no further. I dont want it to look like Im trying to get attention, but at the same time I dont want to hold anything back from them.

I think Ill split the difference, Ill tell my husband everything, and wait to tell F until after I know or not. Unless my husband thinks I should tell him. I mean, I wont do anything to prevent it this time. Im not going through that sickness at the same time Im withdrawing from one of my bi-polar meds.

I guess staring at my husband across the table isnt going to do much. I thank you all for your advice, look to my blog for how it turns out.
 
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