Am I really poly or really mono? Confused member of V triad :(

BelleInconnue

New member
Hi folks,
I've been feeling so confused lately about things. I love my married boyfriend and really like and get along with his wife and kids, but I have been feeling uneasy lately. I live about an hour away at this time from them but plan on moving closer as soon as I can, probably within the next 6 months (I have a work contract I need to fulfill first). I am uneasy because it seems the more my feelings and love have grown for my boyfriend, the more I desire to spend time and share my life with him in a more traditional way, but I know that this is not what this arrangement will ever be about--we are in the closet to everyone except a couple of close relatives, but all of our parents are clueless and especially their 2 sets of parents will not know about us due to the possibility of issues with the 2 children. Part of my is fine with the fact that we will never live together, at least while the parents are alive and the kids are grown up (they are both under 10), but the other part of me is sad that I can't be part of a more traditional family structure with him or even them. My emotions change so much--one day I'm fine with things as they are and as I'm very independent, I can see it as having the best of both worlds to be able to live in my own place and have my own independence yet see him several times a week. The other part of me, however, feels sad that he already has the family life with his wife and kids and they are together doing things every weekend, going on trips together, interacting with relatives at family functions, going out with other couples and their kids, etc., and I don't get to ever have that with him because I'm the "secret". That part really sucks. I know polyamory is not for the faint of heart and I do consider myself fairly independent and strive to look for my happiness from within myself and not make it dependent on others. However, I can't help feeling...dare I say...envious of his wife for getting to have all that with him (which of course she rightly should and I would NEVER try to change) and that I am the "secondary on the side", even though he says he doesn't think of me that way. I admit I do miss the relative straightforwardness and lack of complication of monogamy (of course there are other issues in monogamy), but I love him dearly and have never had more in common with anyone or connected with anyone like I do with him, and his wife and his children and I get along so well. I'm also well aware that once I move closer to him and we spend more time together, it might make it more real to his wife and things could change as far as she feels about this situation too once it is more "in her face" on a regular basis. I'm just so confused--I am taking it one day at a time because my feelings go back and forth so much and I don't want to make any rash decisions, and I guess I will just continue on with my plans...I don't think I will know if polyamory is for me until I live closer to them and we have more time together to see how I feel then, but it just stinks feeling like this. Thanks for providing this forum to vent--I just needed it!
 
Is a better question, "Does this relationship give you everything you need," regardless of whether you're mono or poly?

If not, and you ARE Poly (and the relationship is open), perhaps you can find marriage and family with someone while still maintaining your current relationship.

If not, and you're Mono (or the relationship is closed at their request), then perhaps it means moving on at some point in the future.

However, staying put with no changes if your needs aren't being met is a recipe for sadness. Be true to your own needs first.
 
Belle, being in one poly relationship doesn't preclude you from being in another one which will give you all that you need. This will not be the only relationship you have, so for now, just enjoy what you have with your current boyfriend and when you are ready eventually you will meet someone else who will be able to give you what you need :)

Natja
x
 
Love is a very peculiar occurrence

and rarely a day goes by that I am not reminded how few people exhibit behavior that communicates they really do understand the concept of Love. And even of the few, everyone has temporary moments when they forget the truth in regards to this force that was named Love.

Don't worry about the label of poly or mono because those terms came about only because there was so much confusion about what it really means to Love. For most people Love either brings the greatest joy into their lives or else it causes traumatic levels of pain and attempting to share your life with the wrong people will inevitably bring the painful side of Love into your life, it doesn't matter if your label is mono or poly.

I know it seems hopeless for you to be able to experience Love in the way you desire it in this situation, but don't count it totally out. The world is on the verge of a much greater understanding of Love, and a lot of all the unrecognized hate that keeps people in the closet will rapidly seem to disappear, and it really isn't that far off in the future. It honestly could happen tomorrow, it could happen any day because it's only a matter of honesty that prevents people from truly understanding Love. Honesty is a practice not a decision, and our minds are blind to many obvious truths when we stop practicing honesty.

The truth is, we are all capable of loving freely, and doing it (loving people freely) responsibly, which is the only way to exercise any freedom without eventually losing said freedom or racking up large debts so to speak

I know it looks bad today, but there is a growing movement and people are beginning to take a stand, many will no longer tolerate hateful traditions no matter what a society threatens as a consequence for non-compliance. People are beginning to speak out when they witness these old, hateful, and wrong traditions' practices being enforced, they speak whenever they see these unjust actions afflicted on others no matter how subtle societies attempts to keep these evil traditions alive have become.

Wrongful discrimination of anything and anyone is on it's way out of societies accepted behavior, and one day soon it will be the bigots who have to live closeted, and then it will become obvious who understands love and who does not. It doesn't have anything to do with the labels monogamy or polyamory, there are plenty on both sides of those labels who fail to recognize all that should be obvious, especially recognizing and distinguishing the differences between Love, Hatred, Respect , and Freedom.

Honesty and being responsible has more of an impact on a person's ability to understand Love, and to be able to experience it as joy without having to pay a heavy price for that experience.*

If you want to speed up the process of the world becoming sane, speak up when you witness people afflicting others with subtle or not so subtle ways to enforce fucked up, outdated, and just plain wrong tradition, because if everybody did, today could be the day
 
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To me it sounds like the question is "Do I prefer to polyship OUT to everyone or in the closet?"

And if you prefer to be out in the open about things and included in family life... "Maybe I prefer to polyship in a different way or model than I have here?"

The question of "Am I really monoamorous or polyamorous?" doesn't matter right now in this because you are IN a polyship configuration with limits you do not enjoy. The whole "being out and included in family functions" thing.

You could be monoamorous and love only him, but willing to be in a V situation because you are poly-friendly.

And... the problem still doesn't go away. Because your "loving-ness capacity" is not the problem.

"This polyship's outness and my inclusion in family things I want to be included in" seems to be the issue.

My 2 cents,
Galagirl
 
Hi Belle,

I can relate. I've felt that way. I'm interested in hearing how it works out for you. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and do you have kids of your own?

When I was in your situation, I didn't really care too much about being "out" or not out to anybody. I didn't crave a traditional family relationship either, because i had a long traditional marriage and i already have kids. What I DID pine for a little bit was "family-style" time (e.g. going away for a weekend, cooking a meal together) with my lover. I wouldn't have needed alot of that kind of time... just occasionally. One weekend every quarter would have been perfect.

and I can see what GalaGirl is saying about being a "mono, but poly-friendly" person. This is what i believe I am. I tend to be pretty happy with one partner at a time, but I don't feel the need to be that person's only partner, and it's very important to me that my partner be open about his other relationships.

I think it's probably much more productive to think about what kind of life would make YOU happy (and what's missing) instead of to fret about whether or not you "are poly".
 
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