Facebook Friends?

tinylove

New member
So this question is for those of you with a facebook account. I am wondering how you feel about friending OLD loves. What about your partner becoming friends with someone he/she used to date.

I am not sure how I feel about this. I mean I know a lot of mixed feelings can still be there old flames can spark up again. These people can see what you are currently doing with your life.

So what do you think?
 
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Sounds like an accident waiting to happen. I mean, I don't know what kind of Polyamorous relationship you two currently have, or how open you guys are.....but let's say you two are completely open. Why even let an old fling piqué your interest? It's an ass backward approach if you ask me, and I wouldn't even entertain the idea.

Just my two cents.
 
I would love some suggestions from other people and would love to know others thoughts...
 
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Yeah, tinylove, you're not alone. I tend to be very open-minded about my wife communicating with her ex-es, but a situation like this could, indeed, feel quite threatening. Especially this soon after getting used to him being poly.

If you need to unload some thoughts or talk about this, you know where to find me.

I think you should talk to him and let him know how you feel, and make sure he doesn't go off the deep end when it comes to opening up to poly. It might be tempting for him to dive in head-first and make up for "lost time" or whatever, but he is still, first and foremost, your husband. He should feel comfortable talking with you about your feelings and his. Talk to him. That's really all the advice I can give. Communication, and keeping no secrets when it comes to intention in other social relationships, is really important. Keep that communication open.

Even though this situation could be completely harmless, I understand and empathise with your fears.
 
I think that re-connecting with people you have loved in the past is a good idea IF the relationships ended on good terms and there is still a type of love for one another as well as respect, trust and honesty. In fact, I would suggest that if a person has decided to enter into the world of polyamory, the first place to go would be to past lovers. It takes time to develop trust and respect. We are getting older (I'm 52). Again, this process (for me) is about complete honest with self. It's easy to delude yourself and deny that the relationship was unhealthy.....but if it was unhealthy, then chances are it will be unhealthy now- so don't go there. But, sometimes relationships end just because they could not exist within the (what I believe to be limited) box of "forever after" and "a lifetime of monogamy" ideas. But there are many reasons that a relationship will end and, with time, some of those reasons are no longer an issue....
 
sounds like a recipe for trouble, after all..she is an ex. why did they break off the relationship? have those issues been resolved? if not, sounds like a case of "old flame what-ifs" coming about...
but if they have been resolved well,
i'd be cautious but by the same token, there's no harm in exploring as long as your SO is in the loop, it is not a harmful relationship, you are doing for the right reasons, and that the problems with said ex have been addressed and resolved...

it does seem very backwards tho... i mean, we all wonder what if when it comes to our exes.... but still... why look back? what are your SO's reasons i wonder...
this is a good example of when a veto rule could be applied as a means of protection ie: you watch and if you see too many red flags, veto.
 
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... why look back? .

I tend to disagree with everyone else. I think there are a lot of good reasons to look back and I think there are a lot of reasons that relationships break up which are no longer an issue.

But- maybe age is a factor here. I am 52 and currently lovers with 4 of my ex's. Those relationships were formed in my 40's.....that's different from relationships in my 20's etc. These were all good, healthy relationships which just ended because we were under the (what I call) brainwashed notion that the only valid way to have a relationship is to consider it to be a lifetime monogamous one and that didn't feel right at the time (and still doesn't).
 
hmmm...I have refused my ex being my friend, for all of the reasons listed here. It ended badly, I have no room for her spite in my life. If she has changed, good for her, I don't have an interest. I am also an entirely different person from that ole life and I know she hasn't really moved on.

As for ex's. ummm...I would do it. I am confident in my relationship and my wife can visit any number of her ex's. And the kicker is, they are all likely poly people anyways. I come from a very hippy home town and my wife was a hippy with lots of lovers. In fact she is likely back in Ontario right now having lunch with an ex (the first love of her life)...I have no concern with her leaving me or even falling back in love. Its a meh moment for me.

Think of it like this, in your situation, you will be there, so will kids, so will other people...what do you think will happen? They will talk, you will talk...heck if they get along great.

This is bothering me. I think it is because I know he has strong feelings for them. He comments more on their pages then mine. not that that matters

I assume you mean facebook?...ummm don't you see him more than them. I know I personally use facebook to keep in touch with friends I don't normally see or see often...I don't facebook people that I can walk to the pub and have a beer with, I just go have a beer :)

And lastly, I don't know the thread, but mono and redpepper just went through the ex meeting (mono's ex). Might want to read through their processing of it. While it is a different situation it might help :)
 
I'm FB friends with virtually all of my exes; my husband is FB friends with his. We are also mostly friends with each other's exes, with the exception of a couple of his I've never met due to geography.

None of this bothers me a bit, but there is also no interest in re-starting things with any of these people. It's just a curiosity thing--we like keeping in touch with them. I'm FB friends with over 400 people; poly or no, I can't care that much about all of them :)

But it sounds like this situation is different. Your partner thinks she's hot, and she's trying to get you guys involved in her life. If that involvement is not something you want with this person, I think you have a right to work with your partner to set some limits--they can be FB friends without messaging all the time, etc.

Still...just to throw this out there, I was messaging an ex of mine for a few months, and there seemed to be a bit of interest there (nothing blatant), and over time it settled into a nice friendly thing and it's totally fine and normal now. I just told DH about it as it was happening. So it could be it's this "oh, you! how interesting!" thing that will kind of fade.

I assume you mean facebook?...ummm don't you see him more than them. I know I personally use facebook to keep in touch with friends I don't normally see or see often...I don't facebook people that I can walk to the pub and have a beer with, I just go have a beer :)

And lastly, I don't know the thread, but mono and redpepper just went through the ex meeting (mono's ex). Might want to read through their processing of it. While it is a different situation it might help :)

Yeah, if frequency of posting on someone's wall indicates intimacy, then my husband and I are total strangers :D
 
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Still...just to throw this out there, I was messaging an ex of mine for a few months, and there seemed to be a bit of interest there (nothing blatant), and over time it settled into a nice friendly thing and it's totally fine and normal now. I just told DH about it as it was happening. So it could be it's this "oh, you! how interesting!" thing that will kind of fade.

Would that be ORE (old relationship energy)...meeting with an ex, flame re-ignites a bit but then settles into the new relationship status of friendship :)
 
I'd love to see how many relationships Facebook and other online social gathering sites have fucked up....I'm very torn on the online thing. I see it as a huge benfit to stay connected to some people but also a disaster waiting to happen for others.
 
the commenting really doesn't matter. I guess it was just on my mind at the moment. I do not think posting on someones wall indicates intimacy at all.

I do not like to FRIEND just anyone on facebook. I share my life on their with family and close friends and people I trust. I do not want just anyone to be looking at my info,my kids and my life. It really creeps me out!
 
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I have had tons of closure with old ex's because of fb. I am so grateful for that. I even went to visit a few in the last years.

I see nothing wrong with even noting that they are still attractive to me. I love to see where they are at, catch up, be all loving towards them for a bit and then move on having felt some closure with some and feeling like we have caught up. Its a matter of keeping it in perspective I think and realizing that it could be just ORE. Haha! That is such a good term for it.
 
" Hey J invited us to her son's birthday party , Do you want to go? "

I do not even know her, let alone her kid. So it looks to me as if it is a way in so to speak.

I mean do people usually go other peoples kids birthday's when they do not know them?

Yes, I used to do this. As the guy in a relationship, with an ex-wife who had a boat load of female friends who loved reproduction, I was forced to go to lots of kids parties. It happens. :D

So I just feel like he is seeking them out to re connect which is what is bothering me.

You said what you need to do, talk to him about it and figure out why. Maybe, devil advocate alert, there is some unfinished business that he needs to reconcile to fully close the book on the relationships past :)

Have I confused you all completly?????

Nope..not yet :)
 
yeah ok I will talk to the husband and see where it goes.
 
Would that be ORE (old relationship energy)...meeting with an ex, flame re-ignites a bit but then settles into the new relationship status of friendship :)

I never heard that term (I'm a "noob" after all!), but yeah...sounds right. We kind of went back and reminisced/explored how we had felt about each other "back then," and it became the basis for a very comfortable friendship that I don't see ever leading anywhere.
 
I never heard that term (I'm a "noob" after all!), but yeah...sounds right. We kind of went back and reminisced/explored how we had felt about each other "back then," and it became the basis for a very comfortable friendship that I don't see ever leading anywhere.

well don't feel bad...I just made it up...:)
 
I tend to disagree with everyone else. I think there are a lot of good reasons to look back and I think there are a lot of reasons that relationships break up which are no longer an issue.

But- maybe age is a factor here. I am 52 and currently lovers with 4 of my ex's. Those relationships were formed in my 40's.....that's different from relationships in my 20's etc. These were all good, healthy relationships which just ended because we were under the (what I call) brainwashed notion that the only valid way to have a relationship is to consider it to be a lifetime monogamous one and that didn't feel right at the time (and still doesn't).

I completely agree. Looking back is a means to self-discovery, for one thing.

Part of how I came to poly was through talking with my first BF, realizing I have historically tried to have multiple intimate connections at once (usually 2), but it never worked because I had no vocabulary for what I was doing and just thought I was flawed/damaged.
 
I'd love to see how many relationships Facebook and other online social gathering sites have fucked up

Mono! I'm surprised at you. It's not the online resources that fuck up the relationships, it's the fact that there were problems not being dealt with or communication was not good in the first place. I agree that online things can exacerbate issues, but I would never agree that they CAUSED the problems in the first place.

For example, on another thread I mentioned how I was friended with an ex of mine which ended because his wife was insecure and they had poor communication. He actually told me that "but the last thing I need is for 'wife' to become suspicious of what I'm doing on FB." Does anyone else see a problem with this statement?

As for the OP's original question, I would have no problem if Cajun was friends with his ex's or "flings" just as he has no problem with my being friends with them, including Elric (again woohoo!) We TRUST each other to talk about anything that comes up, just as I did with Elric. If you trust your partner and have no reason to doubt them, what is the problem really?
 
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