Cheating vs. Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

Sage -- we actually did change some boundaries over the years for those reasons. At first we said no relationships/sex in our circle of mutual friends, but it wasn't realistic for us. Right now, what we have is very minimal and is the basic that I need in the relationship.

After talking, it seems clear that this is finally the wake-up call that should have come ages ago. I think also because I have no anger right now, just sadness, that it's been easier to really talk about.

I'm leaning toward asking him to think about counseling and creating some space between us. Although finding a poly-friendly counselor is going to be a challenge. It puts off having to decide to end this or not and concentrates on the process of change. So hard.
 
Sage -- we actually did change some boundaries over the years for those reasons. At first we said no relationships/sex in our circle of mutual friends, but it wasn't realistic for us. Right now, what we have is very minimal and is the basic that I need in the relationship.

After talking, it seems clear that this is finally the wake-up call that should have come ages ago. I think also because I have no anger right now, just sadness, that it's been easier to really talk about.

I'm leaning toward asking him to think about counseling and creating some space between us. Although finding a poly-friendly counselor is going to be a challenge. It puts off having to decide to end this or not and concentrates on the process of change. So hard.

I totally get how hard it is. For me, the no anger was a sign, too. I had just come to the point where I realized that I loved him dearly, but that I just couldn't be put in the position where my trust was broken repeatedly anymore. Space can be a good thing... sometimes we get so close that we have trouble really seeing what's going on.

Counseling is not a bad thing (I say this as someone in school to become a counselor, so disclaimer!). But really... self-growth is great and sometimes it takes having someone impartial to help you see things you just can't for some reason. I did a crapload of personal growth on my own, but the past couple of months I realized how much stuff was there that needed to be dealt with to make me a healthier person. It's hard, but so worth it.
 
a say about cheating and poly

I say the good thing about poly there is no cheating and everything is out in the open. so it would be useless to cheat when your ok with it. be nice if everyone became poly! because the average person (will) cheat or intend to pretty much no matter what. thats just how it is. i hate when someone say oh she or he would never do that. you will be surprise! i just don't see only one and one only together for the rest of there life. everyone think about being with someone else or trying something new. like a navy wife they will look for someone and the husband in the navy will look for someone. i feel ok with my wife seeing other guys because if you going to see someone you will do it and no one can stop you. so you might as well be free about it. plus it turns me on when she is with other guys! we are so open. the average person is very jealous if someone is sleeping with your guy/girl. i always wonder why that makes a person mad. because if you think about it when your love one go shopping you don't get jealous. but with sex with another person oh my! strange how the brain works. it's only bad if you think it is. sex is a wonderful thing so get out there and hump! lol people need to explore there love more! i am so glad for poly!
 
Hmm. Not all polyamorists would agree with your sentiments. I smile as I realize not all swingers would either. Poly usually doesn't equal rule-free.
 
Humping and love are not always the same thing, sooo some might not think that getting out and "humping" is their poly, but I get your point and enjoyed your perspective.
 
I like a navy wife they will look for someone and the husband in the navy will look for someone.

I see this all the time. It is very true. But there are some of us monos that have not and will not cheat. I think it comes down to a respect issue most of the time. If you have the highest level of respect for your partner it is highly unlikely you will cheat on them.
 
If I'm reading you right, you're saying that everyone will cheat at some point so we should all be poly because there's no such thing as cheating if you're poly?

I disagree wholeheartedly.
There might be the desire to be intimate with someone else, but if you respect your partner (as Allstar has mentioned) and they were uncomfortable with something, you wouldn't do it. Polyamoury isn't just an excuse to sleep with other people is it?

In our family, if I were to meet another person who I had feelings for, and sleep with them without telling Mr.V and Ms.V first, that would be cheating, because I'd deliberately gone behind their back. Likewise, if I told them first and one of them was unhappy with the idea, for whatever reason, and I ignored their request for me not to become involved with someone else, that would be cheating too.
I don't believe people will always want to cheat, and I certainly don't think that that's a good reason to open up your relationship...
x.S.x
 
Hi to all
I love my wife, and I also love others. this does not mean I jump every one I meet. I enjoy sex and that is all it is SEX. As far as a deep conection with others I have that too and enjoy what we have. I feel honored to have these people as friends. I also enjoy having Physical love with others. I will be discussing this at burning man. Im looking forward to being with others like ME.
Also my wife is quite happy not to have sex. She is a once a month girl. She has enjoyed me shaving friends and as a massuse has no issues with touch. She dosen't like the idea of me having sex with others but she also knows Im a safe player.
Guru
 
Yeah, this really doesn't apply to all poly situations. There's still cheating present in mine, as if I don't tell the person/people that I'm with at the time what I'm doing, who I'm talking to (as it grows more into a serious possibility), etc., then that's dishonesty. Which, at the heart of the issue, is what cheating is really about: dishonesty with your partner.
 
I see this all the time. It is very true. But there are some of us monos that have not and will not cheat. I think it comes down to a respect issue most of the time. If you have the highest level of respect for your partner it is highly unlikely you will cheat on them.

It'd be nice if it was that simple, wouldn't it?

Many people don't figure out that they're poly until they've struggled with monogamy for a good long time, dealing with guilt, self-disappointment, and self-hatred for not being able to make these feelings for someone else "just go away." That's my story.

For a long time, I thought that only weak-willed, amoral, disrespectful people would ever cheat, and then I fell head-over-heels for someone else, and the temptation was almost more than I could bear. I managed, somehow, never to start anything with that other woman, but it took absolutely everything I had, and it made me start to resent my marriage (even though I love my wife). I finally understood why someone who really, honestly, loves and respects his partner might cheat--especially if he didn't know of an ethical alternative.

Even now, as I struggle to open my marriage without losing it, I suffer from temptation. It can be real torment sometimes, and I count myself lucky that the woman upon whom I had a crush never made any overtures of her own--I don't think I could have withstood the combined force of my own emotions as well as raging hormones in the moment.
 
Is it a deal breaker to date someone who is cheating?

Hubby & I have a differing opinion on this.

One of the biggest things I value about open relationships as well as poly is honesty & respect.

I personally would not date someone that I knew their partner was in the dark & they were in essence cheating. I not only don't want to be involved in drama. I also am not keen on being a party to the possible hurt of someone else. Most importantly I do have respect for others relationships, marriages, boundaries, agreements etc... As such it becomes a major moral issue for me.

This also applies to partners that are on their own are involved with cheating partners. My concern is if my partner is seeing someone who is married and is not being honest about it then I wonder of they value & respect relationships and when will that disrespect perhaps apply to my relationship or agreements we've made.

Hubby on the other hand doesn't have an issue with it. He feels that there is no way of knowing the extenuating circumstances. He says he would not necessarily become involved directly with someone who is cheating & not being honest. But, he does not think its an issue of character or have an issue to be involved with a partner who is also involved with someone who is cheating with them.

I'm just curious where others stand on this topic? Would this be a deal breaker for you when determining if you get involved with someone or not?
 
I would consider it a dealbreaker for several reasons. One, you can never be open about the relationship, it by nature has to be in the closet. Bleh. Two, what if the betrayed partner finds out and violently freaks out and you are in the line of fire (hopefully not literally but sometimes people *really* take betrayal poorly... crimes of passion and all that). Three, if someone is willing to lie to their primary partner, the person who's supposed to be the most important person in their life, about something so big, how on earth could you be as naive to think they wouldn't lie to you about something important... like, say, STD status.

If I knew the person and knew there were in fact extenuating circumstances, I might consider a quick fuck. But dating? Hell no, for my own sake, not for any moral reasons... even though I don't think it's right, my concerns in this case are practical.
 
For a poly relationship, cheating would be a deal breaker. For FWB-type relationship, cheating is a deal breaker IF I respect the relationship/other person.

I'm a little morally ambiguous on the subject of cheating, I guess. I've posted elsewhere that I don't always see it as a bad thing- it depends on how one deals with it after the fact. And I certainly don't see it as the devastating, crushing thing that it seems to be to some people (but that's just as it applies to me). I'd have a WAY bigger problem with MC, like, gambling all of our money away than sleeping with someone else without telling me first (which is our agreement).

I don't respect all marriages just because they're married. I would encourage a FWB to stop lying and fix or end their relationship, and would probably remove myself from the situation if my presence was making things WORSE, but there's a bit of "none of my business" in there too.
 
There is a ton of threads about cheating here. Have you done a search? Here are some goodies that address a similar vein as in the situation you described:

Cheating, once removed
Object of desire in a closed marriage?
Who's responsibility?
Need some advice and support!


Basically, my feeling is that EVEN IF someone's SO is poly and totally honest about everything with their partner, but the SO has to lie and hide and sneak around to have sex with someone who isn't open with their partner and is cheating, it is STILL lying and cheating across the board by everyone who allows it to continue. And no one wants that dishonesty and deception seeping into their relationship by association. You really cannot trust anything the cheater says while they are still engaged in the deception and betrayal. Number of partners? STI test results? Who knows what to believe? Cheaters have to develop lying as a talent in order to get away with it, so where does it end? So, yes, definitely a deal-breaker for me. I could not be involved with a cheater.
 
Last edited:
For me, total deal breaker. I don't lie and I don't want to be with liars. "Not telling" counts as a lie, especially about something this major. And what about the person or people in the dark? I've been on that side of the equation. I hated it. I hated watching what it did to my mum.

So no. Under no circumstances is helping someone else cheat at all ethical non-monogamy in my personal lexicon. Don't know the circumstances? Find them out + if everything's okay, then everything's okay. For similar reasons, I am not game for DADT situations.
 
Definitely. I'm not interested in the sneaking around and all that, and it's an indication I'm not safe from dishonesty from them either.
 
Hubby on the other hand doesn't have an issue with it. He feels that there is no way of knowing the extenuating circumstances.

It's a deal breaker for me, my husband too. My first poly experience on my ex husbands side was actually him pretending he had been with a single person, but he'd been with a cheating married person. I can't ever imagine wanting to inflict that type of pain on somebody. My dad slept with almost every woman he came across too, so I find cheating one of the most depressing things that can happen in a relationship.

And of course your husband could know the extenuating circumstances. It's called getting to know people. I don't really believe there are any good excuses to cheat. Usually when somebody is cheating, the relationship they are in is better off ending - or shall I say, I've never seen a relationship be better off for cheating, maybe just putting off the inevitable for awhile longer.
 
do you think closed relationships abusive?

Recently i was told that monogamous relationships are abusive because they established a slave like ownership over you partner.If you are in a closed relationship with rules or anything like this, you are abusing you partner. Does anyone else feel the same? I completely disagree with this thought .
 
I don't agree at all. Generally relationships are monogamous because that is what both people want. Having the expectation that your partner will not sleep with other people or love other people isn't abusive, just like having the expectation that your partner will tell you if he/she DOES sleep or love someone else isn't abusive.

I think the ownership issue comes up in relationships of all varieties - monogamous, polyamorous, polygamous (probably more often in religious traditions that call for this), friendships, families, etc. It all depends on the people, not the relationship structure.
 
Sounds like whoever told you that is a "One True Way" person. I disagree with them. In my opinion the number of partners and/or rules isn't what makes a relationship abusive. The way the partners treat one another and possibly the content of the rules are.
 
Back
Top