Helping spouse understand?

goosegirl

New member
So, I "came out" to my husband about three weeks ago, after struggling for awhile about whether I was really poly, whether to say anything, etc--and he was really cool with it, very understanding, even though it came as a shock to him as our relationship has always been monogamous (and for a time kind of asexual because of some health concerns). We've been talking about it on and off and I had been really enjoying the conversations--stuff like what I was looking for in a potential partner, if he could have other partners, etc while he was thinking about whether or not he was comfortable actually putting it into practice. I have tried not to push anything but I'm afraid that I may have come off as pushy just because the conversations were really exciting for me--I don't have anyone else to talk to about this sort of thing than my husband, and having him accept this as part of who I am was amazing. But last night, in the middle of a parking lot while running errands, he suddenly dropped this huge bomb about how he'll never be okay with my being poly, he could never "share" me with anyone else, and if that's a deal-breaker and I need a divorce to just say the word.

So, basically, we'd been having what I thought were really constructive conversations about how we feel, and then he slammed the door shut on the whole thing. I should probably add right now that there is no one in the pipeline, I'm not looking for a partner or anything, I have no one in mind, this is not (or, I feel that this shouldn't be) an immediate threat to him, etc. He's saying that my having sex with someone else is "bad enough", but to actually have a relationship with them is even worse--so I think there is some threat aspect to it.

We sat down at home afterward and talked (read: cried) some more and he kind of did some waffling on the no-not-ever bit, but now I think he's just upset (in general), weirded out, emotionally wounded, etc. He says that he understands polyamory from a logical viewpoint, that he can get it in his head but that it makes him emotionally upset. I don't know what to do with that... I've heard a lot of people say that or mention it but then there are no stories of what comes afterward, I have nothing to work with. Here's the hard part: he pretty much asked me to change his mind, almost like he wants to be able to stop being upset and be okay with it, but he doesn't know how to proceed. Neither do I! He brought up going to a local poly meetup, but I don't want to show up to a group of strangers' social gathering and dump my marital problems on them (awk-ward) and I'm having trouble finding a poly-friendly or even kink-aware marriage counselor in our area, as the closest one seems to be over two hours away. I'm just... kind of at a loss for ideas, and hoping that someone here will have some sage advice. I don't want to lose my marriage, because I love my husband dearly, and I'm as scared that I've just ruined everything as he seems to be that I'm going to leave him over this (although I've told him time and again I'm not).
 
I think the best place to start is with what seems like his abandonment issues. Whether it leads to poly or not, getting those healed is always a good and healthy idea. You don't need a poly counselor for that.
 
Also take some time. It's not an easy adjustment on either side. My wife and I have only needed to work out the sex part and we've been discussing it for months. Sometimes there's progress. Sometimes there's regression.

Pressure on either side is only going to make it worse though. Just take time and let it evolve naturally. That's not to say he will be ok with it, but understand it's not a change that can be made in a month or two.
 
My husband has known about me being poly since before we were married and he never wanted to talk about it. Just very recently have we started constructively communicating about it. Some days are better than others. He says he doesn't want to hold me back from what I need, etc. He has come to the point where he says he's ok with it. I haven't found or even looks for another partner, but some days are better. Some days he acts excited, other days he feels jealous and says he will always be mono with me and he never imagined the idea of sharing his wife. It's a huge adjustment and takes time. There will be emotional highs and lows from day to day. All I can say is communication is key.since we have started being open with the idea, we communicate daily about how we feel and if any new feelings about it has surfaced. Just know your not alone!
 
Well, last night I only asked him if we could talk for a minute because I wanted to apologize for pushing it and table the whole thing... which turned into hours of basically him saying (with varying degrees of anger) that he can't do this and I'm not allowed to be poly/he can't "let" me do this, and I'm his wife, why can't I understand that no one else is allowed to touch me, etc. At one point he told me to at least file the divorce papers quickly instead of drawing it out. At another, after I brought up trying marriage counseling (I don't want a divorce! I don't, I don't, I don't.) he said no, because he thinks counselors are holier-than-thou and talk down to people--but then he said that he wants me to go to counseling because I've changed so much! So it's okay for me to go because maybe I'll get fixed and forget all about this, but our marriage isn't worth trying it?! Oh, and apparently I'm a hypocrite, because right after we got married, one of his female friends was coming on to him (bringing beer to the house so they could drink together while I was at work stands out as a big one)--and I told him I wasn't comfortable with him being with her when I wasn't there, because I didn't like her motives. His other friends saw it, too, and said the same, but because I didn't like her coming around to hit on my husband when I wasn't home, I'm a hypocrite? Same thing because I used to get mad at my boyfriend when I was nineteen or so, we fought a lot and he'd go out and cheat on me (his other girlfriends would pop on his internet profiles). I think there's a difference between those situations and poly (I mean, I was 19 in the one, almost 10 years ago)... and besides, just because I'm poly, I'm not allowed to get jealous or have feelings at all?!

His "convince me" deal from the night before? That was actually "I might be okay with it in the far, far future, so far away that I actually mean never and I only said it to get you to shut up". He said that and then flipped out on me--I mean, really flipped out on me--and stormed away. After awhile I went out to go get him and told him that I'd never bring it up again, because I don't want to ruin my marriage (though I think I already have), I don't want a divorce, I don't want to leave him. I'm wishing I had some kind of magical poly switch that I could just turn off and we could forget I ever brought it up... I pretty much just feel like crap at this point, and now it's this huge elephant in the room that neither of us really want to mention, and everything is awful. I'm not sure how to fix what I've caused.
 
Just wanted to offer some cyber hugs. I am sorry you are hurting. How long have you two been together? Have you always felt poly? Were there never any hints from your behavior or things you've said in the past, that you might like multiple love relationships, until now?
 
It's only been 3 weeks since you first brought this up. I'm sure your husband is dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions. How long did it take for you to come to terms with your own poly-ness internally? If there isn't anyone in the pipeline you might want to consider not talking about it anymore for a while but work out a date where you can revisit the conversation. That allows him time to do some internal work without feeling pressured. It doesn't sound like there's any huge rush on your part to start pursuing other relationships.

One of the personal pet peeves of mine is that he doesn't want to share you. He doesn't get to share you, you chose to share yourself (or not). You don't belong to him.
 
Hey everyone--sorry for disappearing for a bit, things in real-life land got a little hectic. But I wanted to check back in... and, damn, sorry, this is a total wall of text, and I'll completely understand if anyone passes it off as TL;DR. Also, I hit the text limit, so the post directly after this one is a continuation of the same, FYI...

We had a less explosive talk a week or so after his blow-up and left it at "there's no one in the pipeline, so let's just leave it, think it over, and see what happens". At least, that's where I thought we were; after tonight it seems we had very different ideas of where we left off. He'd be content to never mention it again, but says he's "considered" it--and his final decision is still that I'm not allowed to have any other relationships, that the possibility of an emotional connection with another man is even worse than the possibility of sex outside our marriage, and that if I ever decided to pursue poly practice, I should leave, because he only wants a wife who is going to love/support him and only him. That's his definition of marriage and I should accept it, because those are the terms I agreed to when we married--and now I'm "changing the game" and "breaking the rules" because I "didn't tell the truth before", that polyamory is “asking for permission to cheat” and that if he had known I was poly before we got married, he would've eventually dumped me for someone monogamous... yes, eventually, as in we could have dated until he found someone... dare I say it... better?! Then he turns around and keeps insisting that he doesn't want a divorce, wants me around forever, etc., etc. I don't know how I'm supposed to react to that—slap me in the face with that one, and then tell me how much you love me and want me around for the rest of your life?

I feel as though I'm being set up on one big guilt trip, designed to keep our marriage "intact" through bullying me into complacency. The more I read and talk to poly folks, the surer I am that I'm wired for poly--I know the whole "wiring" thing can be a cause for debate, but I just don't think I'm suited for monogamy, at least not at this point in my life. I would like to have my husband around and to have him at least try to give me some support as I stumble through this and try to figure out where I'm going, but instead I feel as though my feelings aren't being treated as valid. I don't like it. I feel like crap, and whatever decision I ultimately make, it'll be the wrong one.

Initially, I thought that opening our marriage would be a positive thing for both of us. We have plenty of mutual interests, but there are also a few major ones that we don't share—I thought it might be nice for him to have someone who can actually work a game controller, much less not mind sitting on the couch for three hours playing Generic Dungeon Crawler 14; I wouldn't mind someone coming to the museum with me and not anxiously staring toward the exit, counting down the seconds until we leave. He's very much a stay-at-home kind of person; I go crazy if I don't get out of the house every day. I realize that none of these things have anything to do with romance or sex, and could be reasonably filled in platonically—but (for me, at least) these activities would be 100% more enjoyable with someone I was intimately connected to. When it does come to sex, my husband's libido is much higher than mine, even though I'm not sick anymore—I'm good for maybe every other day, he can go twice or three times a day. The sex we've been having is good—at least, there are no complaints from me, and I haven't heard any from him—but I know he'd like more, and my body just isn't up to it all the time. I thought that he would think opening up would be a fun thing to try, maybe even a good idea—after all, I was under the impression that we had a damn solid relationship before I brought this up, and that I was proposing something that would add to that and make it even better—but instead I've turned a good thing into a total clusterfuck. Hooray.

The odd thing is that, for some reason, I still believe that we can work this thing out, even if it means a poly/mono ship (I refuse to write mono/poly because I always end up reading it as “monopoly”). Is it completely insane of me to think that way? He keeps turning around and saying that the most important thing is that we don't separate—which I'm inclined to agree with. Despite currently tearing my hair out, I am rather partial to my husband and would like to continue our relationship, preferably at the level of awesome it was at before. But two things have changed: my non-monogamous orientation (once again, debatable choice of word, but that's what I feel is appropriate to use in my case) and the fact that I can't just take all of these arguments we've had and cram them back in the box to be forgotten about. The poly cat is out of the bag--even if I strangle it, I've still got a dead cat hanging around stinking up the place. (That was morbid, sorry.) One way or the other, thought, we've got to deal with the situation. Complicating matters is that somewhere along the line (I can't pinpoint exactly where), I developed a little bit of a crush on one of my guy friends, which I think he's picked up on—and might be reciprocating, except neither of us wants to bring it up. I tried telling this to my husband, who laughed at me—I get that it's a little surreal, but, really? I'm concerned and trying to be honest about my feelings, and I'm being laughed off. My husband says he doesn't care if I hang out with this guy, so long as I'm not hooking up with him. The exact words he keeps repeating are, “I don't care if you have friends, so long as you're not fucking them. If you're not [insert sex act here] when you're out with them, I don't care.” Well, I think there's a big disconnect there, that leaves me absolutely no boundaries to work with—I'm not allowed to have emotional connections with anyone by my husband, but then it's okay so long as I'm not fucking them? I don't know how to handle this. I don't know if I'm even allowed to have friends, then—is a two-second hello/goodbye hug a gross imposition of personal space? I'm touchy-feely, I hug my friends. I suppose I could start making out with all of my male friends, on grounds that I'm not fucking them, so it must be okay—or am I supposed to start maintaining an eight-foot bubble at all times, to quash any risk of someone's penis accidentally wandering into my vagina? I have no idea how invested I'm allowed to get (emotionally, not physically—I'm currently interpreting the “fuck” in “don't fuck your friends” extremely liberally, as “anything that could possibly be interpreted as a romantic gesture”). If my crush is reciprocated, that'd be both fantastic and horrible—while I'd like to pursue it, I'm not going to risk my husband leaving me over it... but then that leaves the situation pretty awkward, as I think the guy in question is pretty awesome, and I'd like to keep the friendship intact.
 
May I point out that you only see your conversations with him as "constructive" if he agrees with you or appears to be ready to consent to poly? Just because he is angry, upset, in disagreement with the proposal of putting polyamory into practice, and does not give consent to it at this time, does not mean the conversation can't be constructive. Look at all you are learning about him, yourself, and your dynamic by having these conversations. He may change his mind, or he may not, and you might find yourself happy with either option, or you might not, but this process is important and valuable for you right now.

Look - you dropped a bomb on him. He's reacting, of course. Was your purpose in discussing it solely to convince and persuade him into giving you what you want, or was it to explore options and become closer to each other by revealing more of yourself to him? Big difference.

You are very attached, it seems, to a particular outcome - which says you are as close-minded as he is being. This is not something that can be resolved in a few weeks or even a few months - opening up an established relationship can take a year or longer. Now is the time to build and strengthen the foundation of your marriage by looking inward, voicing concerns, sharing fears, expressing fantasies, and supporting each other through all the rough stuff. Stop having a tantrum because you want what you want when you want it and don't like his response - that won't bode well for either of you. Leave it alone for a bit, focus on and appreciate what you've got right now, be as loving, empathetic, and compassionate as you can, and then come back to talking about it another time. It's a process.
 
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Things can work out

I don't have any advice on what you *should* do. However, everything you've been writing could have been written by me about 18 months ago, except for the fact that 18 months ago, I did start a poly relationship with another man anyway.

In our case, we had talked about having casual sex "freedoms," and the first time that I exercised those, the man and I wanted to be boy/girlfriends, and my husband flipped out. Slowly I realized that I've been poly all along, or had been trying to be, in college, etc. He accused me of changing the rules, lying to him, growing apart from him, all that stuff. Went back and forth between being okay with stuff to suddenly being "devastated," and taking it out on me. He just kept saying that if I feel XYZ then I should get a divorce (although he didn't want one, himself.)

I rolled with his mood swings and even compromised with him by curbing the physical intimacy with my boyfriend whenever the husband requested. I would NOT recommend this in general, and I'd NEVER do that again myself, but luckily I had an understanding boyfriend who was happy as long as we didn't lose our friendship that we had had for decades, and also that in the end it worked out for my husband too.

So what ultimately worked for us, was that I got fed up after 12 months of this back and forth and blame and almost demanded that he just meet my boyfriend, to see that he's not such a threat. They did, and the three of us plus a friend of mine went out to a bar to sing karaoke, then the three of us went back to my place, and then two men were so intent on making me happy, we had a lovely little threesome. After that, my husband was suddenly understanding and sorry for all the crap he had put me through (I think there was a little cuckolding fetish going on there for him, too). I accepted a lot of responsibility on my end too, and we renegotiated limits and boundaries.

So again, not saying this is THE way to go, but it worked for us, so I hope that gives you some... well, hope. That things can change. My husband would swear up and down that our marriage was ruined forever and he'll never get back what he lost and he'll always be devastated.... 18 months later, he's happily having to choose between two additional women to date who are both really into him, as well as discussing my love life with me like a best friend would.

It takes time, whatever way that you choose, and I hope that works.
 
Now is the time to build and strengthen the foundation of your marriage by looking inward, voicing concerns, sharing fears, expressing fantasies, and supporting each other through all the rough stuff. Stop having a tantrum because you want what you want when you want it and don't like his response - that won't bode well for either of you. Leave it alone for a bit, focus on and appreciate what you've got right now, be as loving, empathetic, and compassionate as you can, and then come back to talking about it another time. It's a process.

Since divorce is a non-option, this needs to be the approach. In my world I don't see relationships as permanent so if a fundamental difference in worldview comes up the relationship needs to adjust accordingly; that's just the way that it is. If we need to break up that's fine, maybe at some later date our worldviews will have developed so that they are more compatible and we can give it a go at that point. However, if the relationship is viewed as if it needs to be permanent then you [OP] need to take a much more constructive and patient approach to the discussion. Expecting him to do a backflip and yell "yes, please go date... I am now enveloped in compersion!!" might not be reasonable.

No matter if he eventually agrees to 'let' you be who you want to be or if he denies your request, the relationship will not be the same as it was before you brought it up. He knows that you don't have the same expectations from a relationship that he does and that pickle can't be turned back into a cucumber. I'm not telling you it is a bad thing, just that you might benefit from realizing that things are changing and to embrace this reality.
 
Thanks <3

This was actually kind of where my second wall of text (the part that got off from my previous post) was going, so I'm happy y'all are telling me that I need to slow the eff down and stop pushing.

I ended up sending me entire wall of text (I'd saved it, since I couldn't post it all at once) to my husband--he asked to see it--and that turned out to be a lot more constructive (nycindie--actually constructive, I think, not my fake tantrum-constructive) since it removed our ability to get up in each others' faces. We have a select group of mutually agreed-upon close friends that we've informed of our situation; my husband read my post at work and went out with one of them last night to talk it over with a third party. He came home afterward (and he brought me bar chips!), we had a nice talk that kind of solidified what our situation is at the moment and threw around ideas of where we would like it to go. (And then we had some pretty awesome sex.) So the tension, currently, is gone--he knows exactly where I'm coming from thanks to my two hours of typing at 1 AM, and I am going to try my damnedest to shut up and let the man think without my pestering.

Also, Arabella--thanks for your post. I actually read it out loud to my husband... and I had to promise I would never take him and my friend to karaoke. ("What, would he get jealous of my totally awesome singing voice?" "Honey, you don't have a singing voice...")
 
Hubby and I were married 15 years when we opened our marriage and I'll tell you right now, we didn't do it the right way. However, hubby is mono and has been supportive and we have done a lot of work to get where we are now, which is a good place! I would most definitely slow down a relationship if he asked me, at least I would hope I've learned not to be so NRE addled that my head isn't too far up my ass to realize that if he's asking he needs the reassurance of me slowing down! It's not about rules so much, or demands he puts on my other relationships so much as learning to go at a speed we all can handle. Honestly, I was totally rush in and just enjoy the ride. It damaged my relationship with hubby and killed the other relationships. Ending horribly, so slowing down, a good thing on all accounts!

Now it's a matter of respect, transparency, and being open. All three of us. However, it did take years. Granted, again, there was emotional infidelity involved for us. Anyway, I thought I would mention things that helped us as far as moving forward. The book Opening Up was good, a lot of people will recommend it, also, take the time to read it together! If that means each of you reads three chapters on your own and then take time to discuss it later, then do that. Trust me, you will read and take things differently! So be sure to discuss it! Try and take ego out of it when you discuss it.

Another thing that helped was the computer! Believe it or not. Talking via IM or email worked wonders. With emails, you have time to sit, think, and draft. That way you can see that sometimes your first reaction is all gut and emotion and could be hurtful, then you have time to absorb, think about what they are saying objectively and THEN replying. Also, I'm a crier and it was easier for him to NOT feel like he was MAKING me cry if he didn't have to see it. He wasn't making me cry, I just cry. Seriously, everything. PBS commercial had me in tears.

Support is important. Not just for you! One of the hardest things hubby has said is that there really isn't anyone for him to talk to! People have some not so great thoughts when they find out a man is 'letting' his wife have other relationships. Or even considering it! They aren't kind. Honestly, I had to actually change therapists at one point because she stated straight out she could NOT tell him that it was anything but abuse for me to have other relationships. That was fun.

There is a poly/mono email list, hubby is on it and I can send you a link privately if you are interested. Fair warning, it fluctuates. Right now there are a fair number of people that are mono dating a poly person, or married to a poly that are honestly there for support and to learn. For awhile, and they still pop up, there were people that sadly were just there because they caught their partner cheating and said partner is NOT poly but telling them they are and to basically suck it up and deal.

Good luck and if you wish you are welcome to message me privately.
 
There is a poly/mono email list, hubby is on it and I can send you a link privately if you are interested. Fair warning, it fluctuates. Right now there are a fair number of people that are mono dating a poly person, or married to a poly that are honestly there for support and to learn. For awhile, and they still pop up, there were people that sadly were just there because they caught their partner cheating and said partner is NOT poly but telling them they are and to basically suck it up and deal.

Just wanted to second the recommendation on the mailing list, and to also agree with the statement above. This is actually why I joined both lists (the mono-with-poly, and poly-with-mono sister lists). I learned more and had some great discussions on the Poly list at times, just because most (all, I believe) of the folks there were really trying to work on their relationships with their mono partners. I got some good insight there.
 
Hi and welcome to the forum.

I read your first few posting and I get the impression your husband understands perfectly. He gets you might be this way and that he that way. And that his view of a marriage is one way....and now yours has changed.

Is Relationship cobbling A good idea .....using romantic partners ?

You said there was no one in the pipeline but you have your eye on a guy in the hall way to the pipeline ....might want to be honest about that :(
 
What is this "pipeline"? Is it that thing they built so that all the slaves in canada could sneak over into Russia? No wait, i have russia confused with Alaska. The slaves can escape to Mexico. That's what i meant. It's been a while since i heard it on NPR.
 
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No no no silly! Slaves are taken in trucks! The pipeline is where they have the super jet speed trains for rich people to be smuggled down to Mexico in style and pick fruit!
 
Hitchhiker hitchhiker, wherefore art thou more or less going

No no no silly! Slaves are taken in trucks! The pipeline is where they have the super jet speed trains for rich people to be smuggled down to Mexico in style and pick fruit!

There's fruit in mehico? Then what does canada have to do with it? Someone keeps changing the map. I can't wait to get off this planet again.
 
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Also, Arabella--thanks for your post. I actually read it out loud to my husband... and I had to promise I would never take him and my friend to karaoke. ("What, would he get jealous of my totally awesome singing voice?" "Honey, you don't have a singing voice...")

LOL!

Dude, American karaoke is friggin' awesome. Great icebreaker. Everybody sucks at karaoke. I pretend that I don't... but I do.
 
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