So, I "came out" to my husband about three weeks ago, after struggling for awhile about whether I was really poly, whether to say anything, etc--and he was really cool with it, very understanding, even though it came as a shock to him as our relationship has always been monogamous (and for a time kind of asexual because of some health concerns). We've been talking about it on and off and I had been really enjoying the conversations--stuff like what I was looking for in a potential partner, if he could have other partners, etc while he was thinking about whether or not he was comfortable actually putting it into practice. I have tried not to push anything but I'm afraid that I may have come off as pushy just because the conversations were really exciting for me--I don't have anyone else to talk to about this sort of thing than my husband, and having him accept this as part of who I am was amazing. But last night, in the middle of a parking lot while running errands, he suddenly dropped this huge bomb about how he'll never be okay with my being poly, he could never "share" me with anyone else, and if that's a deal-breaker and I need a divorce to just say the word.
So, basically, we'd been having what I thought were really constructive conversations about how we feel, and then he slammed the door shut on the whole thing. I should probably add right now that there is no one in the pipeline, I'm not looking for a partner or anything, I have no one in mind, this is not (or, I feel that this shouldn't be) an immediate threat to him, etc. He's saying that my having sex with someone else is "bad enough", but to actually have a relationship with them is even worse--so I think there is some threat aspect to it.
We sat down at home afterward and talked (read: cried) some more and he kind of did some waffling on the no-not-ever bit, but now I think he's just upset (in general), weirded out, emotionally wounded, etc. He says that he understands polyamory from a logical viewpoint, that he can get it in his head but that it makes him emotionally upset. I don't know what to do with that... I've heard a lot of people say that or mention it but then there are no stories of what comes afterward, I have nothing to work with. Here's the hard part: he pretty much asked me to change his mind, almost like he wants to be able to stop being upset and be okay with it, but he doesn't know how to proceed. Neither do I! He brought up going to a local poly meetup, but I don't want to show up to a group of strangers' social gathering and dump my marital problems on them (awk-ward) and I'm having trouble finding a poly-friendly or even kink-aware marriage counselor in our area, as the closest one seems to be over two hours away. I'm just... kind of at a loss for ideas, and hoping that someone here will have some sage advice. I don't want to lose my marriage, because I love my husband dearly, and I'm as scared that I've just ruined everything as he seems to be that I'm going to leave him over this (although I've told him time and again I'm not).
So, basically, we'd been having what I thought were really constructive conversations about how we feel, and then he slammed the door shut on the whole thing. I should probably add right now that there is no one in the pipeline, I'm not looking for a partner or anything, I have no one in mind, this is not (or, I feel that this shouldn't be) an immediate threat to him, etc. He's saying that my having sex with someone else is "bad enough", but to actually have a relationship with them is even worse--so I think there is some threat aspect to it.
We sat down at home afterward and talked (read: cried) some more and he kind of did some waffling on the no-not-ever bit, but now I think he's just upset (in general), weirded out, emotionally wounded, etc. He says that he understands polyamory from a logical viewpoint, that he can get it in his head but that it makes him emotionally upset. I don't know what to do with that... I've heard a lot of people say that or mention it but then there are no stories of what comes afterward, I have nothing to work with. Here's the hard part: he pretty much asked me to change his mind, almost like he wants to be able to stop being upset and be okay with it, but he doesn't know how to proceed. Neither do I! He brought up going to a local poly meetup, but I don't want to show up to a group of strangers' social gathering and dump my marital problems on them (awk-ward) and I'm having trouble finding a poly-friendly or even kink-aware marriage counselor in our area, as the closest one seems to be over two hours away. I'm just... kind of at a loss for ideas, and hoping that someone here will have some sage advice. I don't want to lose my marriage, because I love my husband dearly, and I'm as scared that I've just ruined everything as he seems to be that I'm going to leave him over this (although I've told him time and again I'm not).