Told it was over as secondary because partner could not meet needs?

EnderSavesAll

New member
Looking for perspective. A few weeks ago my partner of 4+ months told me she could not continue our relationship. They are married and have been together 2 years and we had been talking for 6 months but together for a little less. I thought thinks had been going very well, but she let me know that meeting my time and sexual needs was too much of a strain for her. I was told that because I am still mono that being in a poly relationship is not fair to me and that I should go find someone to be my everything. Besides her husband she has another partner who is LDR.
 
I'm sorry. Breaking up stinks. I'm glad she was up front as best as she could be with you though. I rather have that than be given "run around."

I thought thinks had been going very well, but she let me know that meeting my time and sexual needs was too much of a strain for her.

Fair enough. If meeting your needs is a strain for her, it is a strain. IF she's no longer willing and able, she's no longer willing and able.

But were you given opportunity to discuss to double check and see if some of your needs are actually wants rather than need-to-haves, and can be compromised on to alleviate the strain so the relationship can continue? Or she's just done?

I was told that because I am still mono that being in a poly relationship is not fair to me and that I should go find someone to be my everything.

You can be monoamorous and ok in a polyship. (Are you ok and happy in it?)

Is it about her? That SHE is not comfortable with dating a monoamorous person and dealing with her guilty feelings over it somehow? If the problem is her, it is kinder for her to own it when breaking up than try to shoosh it on you like you being monoamorous and poly-willing is somehow a failing! It isn't! And she doesn't determine what is "fair" and tolerable for you. You do. YOU decide what you are willing/not willing to accept.

Galagirl
 
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I had asked for more time a week before but it was a want not a need. She kind of dropped her issues as one big bomb and I broke down.

I tried to discuss compromise to deal with them, but that is when she actually ended the relationship. She just decided she was done. I think it was about her, it really bother her the lengths I was willing to work on this while she said there was nothing she could do. She decided that wasn't fair to me to give so much for so little back. Once she came to that conclusion I had no say. It was too much for her. She couldn't let me do that.
 
Were you interested in possibly dating others at some point, or were you set on her being your only partner? If the former, I think her decision was unfair and premature. If the latter, maybe it really was for the best, if being co-primary with her husband wasn't considered a possible option down the line. Either way, I feel for you, it sucks to be told you're being broken up with for your own good. In addition to the normal hurt, you end up feeling condescended to.
 
She knew from the beginning that I was poly curious but not decided. I was open to the idea but not sure how to try or if it was me yet. She decided after 4 months that I clearly was mono, a call which may be true but I still haven't made. I still don't know now. I think part of the pressure on her is we were very much close to co-primaries or were for a bit. The problem is her husband has never had a partner and while he says he is poly has not been trying. That puts more pressure on her as she was trying to meet everyone's needs. That also hurts because as the secondary not having my own partner meant our end, the primary is safe to not look if he wishes.
 
Gawd, I hate when someone makes a decision for me, as if I am unable to take care of myself. That sucks! I'll be the one to decide what I can and cannot handle!

Sorry to hear it went down that way, without even giving you a chance to state what you wanted. Grrr.
 
It is possible for someone to have two primary partners even when neither of them has another partner. Phy's story, in the life stories section, is an example of that. I mean, its all well and good for her to not want too much pressure, but what if both you and her husband had found other partners, but then both suffered break-ups? Would she have insisted you both find new partners again, to avoid making her feel pressured? Best to take each relationship on its own merits, rather than making them dependent on each other, I'd say.
 
It sounds like polymath pressure built up for her as the hinge person maybe?

  • First, recently married. So perhaps she is not solid on "working things out skills" with the husband. How he and her communicate.
  • Second, first poly relationship for her.
  • Third, she is not solid on her "working things out with you" skills. How you and her communicate.
  • Fourth, weird guilt of hers with her having another partner and you not.

Being polyamorous has nothing to do with current number of partners. One can be SINGLE and polyamorous.

Having the skills required to polyship well in a "V" shape is another thing -- either as the hinge "shared sweetie" person or one of the "V arm" people.

Again, I'm sorry you are dealing with the pain of a break up.

It sounds like it was up front as much as possible under the circumstances.
You were willing and able to work things out. She was not willing and able.

You have learned what so far from the experience?

  • That maybe you like a co-primary model of open relationship?
  • That maybe you don't like a primary-secondary model? Some other model?
  • That maybe you want to ask your future shared sweetie how good they are balancing needs? And dealing with other partner jealous of you? (Was the husband jealous?)
  • That maybe you prefer this type of break up -- up front? Something else?
  • What your polysaturation point and that your future partner is good with that?
  • Time management expectations?
  • Conflict resolution expectations?

Breaking up isn't fun. But that doesn't meant the experience wasn't worthwhile. Do the TLC you need to do for yourself. Heal. Then when you are ready to move forward, you could see what you can bring forward with you from this experience for your own benefit.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
I'm not sure she was ready for the balancing and compromise needed to handle multiple relationships. She also said she had not planned on. Our relationship becoming as strong as it did. We spent most of it undefined and for a while called it equal but then things were shifting I was feeling much more secondary again despite coming very close to a couple primary relationship. I would have been very happy with Co primary but she said that was not something good she could give. I think she originally wanted her other relationships to be more casual and tertiary but that was never discussed when we started.

If I learned of each thing it is better communication and clear expectations from the start and ongoing. We were originally undefined, got labeled serious and then issues were held in. I may be taking a step back from poly for a while.
 
I am sorry that you are going through pain right now and that your relationship has come to an end.

Try looking at it a different way; it might help.

Having someone make a decision for you is never going to make you feel happy about the relationship being over. Our mind naturally wants to fight against what we are being told. When I was 17, I had a two-year affair with a married woman. Endless times, she broke it off with me, saying that I needed something more than she could give me. Endless times, I argued "no, I don't, I need this!"

In the end, of course, she was right.

That's point one.

But also - think about what their motivation is for ending it. Stress, if they're more self-focused. Guilt if they're a kinder soul.

Even if your girlfriend was thinking of you, there would also be some level of selfishness, the same way there is with everyone on the planet. It wasn't working for *her*. You couldn't change that; you can't change that... and it might help you to understand things from her point of view.


She decided after 4 months that I clearly was mono, a call which may be true but I still haven't made. I still don't know now.

That is for you to decide. My girlfriend used to say the same thing to me - and now, I don't stand for it. Explore life as you want to - don't be labelled by someone who does not live inside your mind.

The problem is her husband has never had a partner and while he says he is poly has not been trying. That puts more pressure on her as she was trying to meet everyone's needs. That also hurts because as the secondary not having my own partner meant our end, the primary is safe to not look if he wishes.

A person can identify as being poly without dating other people. If he's sharing his wife with someone else, he's *in* a poly relationship. If he's planning to stay, he's *choosing* a poly relationship.

There are many reasons for staying 'mono' whilst your partner dates. Perhaps you're picky. Perhaps you're shy. Perhaps you're not ready. Perhaps dealing with the jealousy side of the coin is enough of a struggle, without launching into "let's make my wife feel jealous too and really rock the boat". Perhaps you're not slutty and want something meaningful. Perhaps you're in no hurry. Perhaps you're not sure if you want to be poly.

If your ex girlfriend, his wife, had you, her husband and a LDR to balance, that's *her* decision. If she couldn't balance her time, meet everyone's needs, that's *her* cross to bear. Can't meet some of the needs of three people? Don't date three people. I don't think that's her husband's fault at all.

I can understand what you are saying, but I don't think it's the case that the primary is safe not to look for others, whilst the secondary gets dumped for it. I think it's more about how you may have portrayed yourself and/or how she may have perceived you.

For example...

I have a primary partner. I look for secondaries who are very independent by nature. I don't mind whether or not they have a partner, or are looking for a partner - as long as they do not expect me to fill the shoes of a 'primary girlfriend' figure. I do not have the time or the emotional capacity at the moment. I ended one relationship for the same reasons you were given by your ex girlfriend. The girl I dated was, in my opinion, very clingy, very needy, very co-dependent and very pushy. No matter how much I saw her, it was never enough. No matter what time I said I needed to leave, she wanted me to stay longer. No matter what my primary relationship guidelines were, she wanted to bend them. No matter how much she told me she was happy, I could see that she wasn't. But she was emotionally masochistic (by her own admission, later on).... she would never have ended it. When I was 17 and in love with the married woman, I would never have ended it. She had to end it with me, to do me a favour.


I'm not sure she was ready for the balancing and compromise needed to handle multiple relationships. She also said she had not planned on. Our relationship becoming as strong as it did. We spent most of it undefined and for a while called it equal but then things were shifting I was feeling much more secondary again despite coming very close to a couple primary relationship. I would have been very happy with Co primary but she said that was not something good she could give. I think she originally wanted her other relationships to be more casual and tertiary but that was never discussed when we started.

I think this is really important and genuinely, I do truly think that it is sad. I really do feel for you. It does sound like your relationship got very close and that she wavered on what she wanted.

Try to practice forgiveness... if you can? She was learning. You were learning.

It's important for everyone to lay out their expectations and not to expect things to remain stationary. Things can change - one person can fall in love and the other can back way off. One person can start off wanting something casual, but end up craving more. It's also important to understand NRE. New Relationship Energy (that buzz we get from clicking with someone new) makes us want to spend lots of time with a new person. It can give secondary partners the wrong impression when, after a few months, reality kicks in and the married/partnered-up person realises... shit... I don't have time to be chatting online for 40 hours a week... I haven't tidied my house, walked my dogs, played with my child, had sex with my husband in a month.

It's your choice whether or not you choose to explore poly again :)

But I do think that either way, many of the rules relating to poly can be transferred to monogamy. And now you're better equipped to talk about your expectations.

The number one thing I would say is a benefit to take with you into any kind of relationship? Not simply a list of "this is what I expect"... but, instead... "this is what I expect right now and for the foreseeable future... but... my biggest expectation... is that we can feel safe and free to talk to each other, if and when our feelings change." To be honest, they often do.
 
If I learned of each thing it is better communication and clear expectations from the start and ongoing. We were originally undefined, got labeled serious and then issues were held in. I may be taking a step back from poly for a while.

There's some value to that, but I would be careful about swinging too far in the opposite direction. Some people put down a lot of expectation at the beginning of something, and then try to force the relationship into a pre-defined mould rather than allowing it to grow organically.

It sounds like your relationship started out undefined and was being allowed to develop in its own way. Unfortunately for you, it developed out of a relationship, instead of into something deeper. Sometimes, that's just what happens.

Playing Devil's Advocate here, it's possible that she was already feeling too much pressure and having a hard time balancing your needs in the relationship with her marriage. So then, to be asked for more time when she's already strained with what she's giving, is just too much.

I can see parts of myself in her. I've been in situations where people are willing to put more into something than I am, and I feel guilty about it, not because I'm not doing more, but because I'm perfectly happy with not doing more. It's taken a lot of work for me to accept that it's okay for relationships to be unbalanced, as long as I'm open and upfront about what I'm willing to invest; then if someone is willing to invest more, and they know it won't be reciprocated, that's their informed decision...
 
I thank everyone who has posted so far, it has been very insightful.

I hope to be able to forgive and get back to a place were we can be friends. I'm still rather hurt right now, the way it was done though unintentional was extremely painful and I'm dealing with feeling very hurt.

To her it was not okay for things to be unbalanced. I know her anxiety and I know that is what took hold, I had helped her work through some of her other anxiety. That is one thing that hurt, she worked through anxiety with other people, it hit our relationship and I was a casualty. I don't know if that is a fair feeling, but that I what I currently have.

I think she was getting too confined, too stressed, too pulled. When she emailed her issues everything she said really just said "too much"

She was very much focused on being unlabeled, let it be what it is. She later said she had not planned for anything more than a secondary only to say a few times later she wanted me to be as equal as possible to her husband. I don't know if the NRE wore off or if her issues and anxiety just exploded us, but instead of being able to work, maybe back off, take a little time she just ends it.

There are things I have left out her around her marriage that I just don't want to air. I will only say they are still working through things. I don't believe jealousy was an issue though, if it was it never occurred in front of me.

As for never ending it, she spoke of that fear that I wouldn't. I though always had a feeling we would part ways eventually, maybe I would have drug it on too long, I can't say now. I however did not expect it yet, but maybe I missed how much of a strain it put her under. She had seemed happy, very much present and committed shortly before. She did say though, when she dropped the issues on me all at once (by email) that she had not intended it to be a breakup. I think the guilt of our imbalance is the final piece that pushed her to that.

I'm tired this morning but not as anxious, I hope this came through as coherent though.
 
I'm not wanting to demonize her. I know the emotions and reasons and I still love her. I am dealing with my emotions now and I know she is dealing with hers. I also know our relationship was not perfect, I was dealing with my own issues and trying to figure out what to do about them. I wasn't at breaking up though. Maybe once I am past heartache I hope we can be friends, I can't avoid her as we share friends in a very social group. I hope she is able to work through things and find out what works for her, I have watched her anxiety make her miserable at times and being a very anxious myself don't wish that on her. We were definitely learning.
 
I don't think either of you is bad people.

Just dealing with the reality here of having broken up.

You sound like you are being healthy as you can about it -- so kudos to you!

hugs,
Galagirl
 
Thanks GalaGirl,

I'm trying to be as healthy as I can. Working through the thoughts, distracting myself as much as I can and spending as much time with friends as I can. It has been rough though. I am a person I strong emotion and anxiety. Both of those have tried to rip me apart.

We haven't talked or seen each other since two days after the breakup, which was really before reality had set in and has been almost 2 weeks. I will see her in two days and I am curious how that will go. It is a big group social outing so we do not actually have to interact. It's going to be weird if we do, weird if we don't.
 
You can do it. If the goal is to be good exes, just get it over with. Be polite, etc. You can always bail and go home early if it gets to be too much. Baby steps.

GG
 
You can do it. If the goal is to be good exes, just get it over with. Be polite, etc. You can always bail and go home early if it gets to be too much. Baby steps.

GG

She said she wanted to be friends and still hang out some when we last talked. Good exes is easy enough to do I think, the friendship is going to be a lot more difficult.
 
My Ex has been posting online in comments about the dynamic and issues of Poly/Mono and I finally had enough.

We haven't talked much but I did send her an email saying that labeling me mono in terms of our breakup was not fair as it is not a label I have taken. I stand between the two and haven't accepted either label. I think it is unfair to have first ended the relationship under that pretense that because I was her secondary and had no primary that it automatically made me Mono and would not work. Now if she is going to continue to talk about our past relationship using a label I never took I felt the need to correct her.

Sorry for the short rant
 
That sounds fair. She can talk about your relationship from her perspective (which might be quite illuminating to you!) but presenting it as "Because they were mono and I'm poly this happened..." isn't helpful to anyone reading, since you do not currently identify as mono.

(As a hinge with two partners, neither of whom currently have other partners, I can understand feeling overwhelmed at times. But then it needs to be presented as what SHE felt, and it needs to be said that you didn't have other partners, not that you were "mono".)
 
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