Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

I think that if you encourage in them a strong sense of worth, of love, and of understanding for those who are different, and encourage their strength of character, you can see through the troubles.

There will always be prejudices. Teach your kids about them. If you know some children who are likely to face prejudice for other reasons than your own, encourage the friendship.
very true and so important. Tolerance is a learned thing and how I handle it is how he will learn how to handle it.
 
I think that if you encourage in them a strong sense of worth, of love, and of understanding for those who are different, and encourage their strength of character, you can see through the troubles.

There will always be prejudices. Teach your kids about them. If you know some children who are likely to face prejudice for other reasons than your own, encourage the friendship.
very true and so important. Tolerance is a learned thing and how I handle it is how he will learn how to handle it.

It's all in how YOU act, what you teach your kids through your actions (be bold and brazen or hide out in the closet like there IS something wrong with what you are doing) and who YOU choose to surround yourself with in my opinion.
indeed :)
 
I did search for this but most of what I found was about preexisting children (actually my husband does have 4 of those but they are with us mainly on weekends). And I saw the thread "new babies" but our situation is different so I decided not to post there.

I almost wrote "having children in a tree" because we are in a gray area between triad and vee. It's a triad in terms of love and a vee in terms of sex, although this could change. Our girl is still on the opposite coast but will be moving back in August, and moving in with us not right away but probably soon. She and my husband want children together. This was hard for me to accept at first, especially since I wanted at least one too, but wasn't sure if I'd be able to (I am 37 and have a few health problems). But I did begin to adjust to the idea, and then....I got pregnant! I'm now almost 10 weeks.

We have a vision of raising children cooperatively....I guess kind of like a Mormon or other polygamous family. I'm 100% certain that our girl is not a cowgirl, and that her love and concern for me is genuine. So I was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts, or stories about this kind of arrangement, or ideas about how to make it work smoothly. I know it's all in the very early stages but right now I'm optimistic and excited. :D

I wish my post could have remained separate....now it is lost in this thread which doesn't really apply to my situation. There are some interesting stories here but I couldn't find any about people in a triad or vee having NEW children, to be raised in a polyamorous family with three parents from the very start. Anyone????? or is this not generally done?
 
I wish my post could have remained separate....now it is lost in this thread which doesn't really apply to my situation. There are some interesting stories here but I couldn't find any about people in a triad or vee having NEW children, to be raised in a polyamorous family with three parents from the very start. Anyone????? or is this not generally done?

It happens, but a lot of people worry about their children being taken away from them, so some are reluctant. Also, it's not uncommon for poly people to realise they're poly a bit later in life, at which point they have existing children and might not want more of them.
I think you'd have more luck looking how it's done with plural marriage, where it's very common to raise kids with several mothers from the get go (although not several fathers).
 
I wish my post could have remained separate....now it is lost in this thread which doesn't really apply to my situation. There are some interesting stories here but I couldn't find any about people in a triad or vee having NEW children, to be raised in a polyamorous family with three parents from the very start. Anyone????? or is this not generally done?
It happens, but a lot of people worry about their children being taken away from them, so some are reluctant. Also, it's not uncommon for poly people to realise they're poly a bit later in life, at which point they have existing children and might not want more of them.
I think you'd have more luck looking how it's done with plural marriage, where it's very common to raise kids with several mothers from the get go (although not several fathers).
I think that the parallel is with other families (mainly couples) who want to have children and know that they [parents and/or children] are going to face prejudice: mixed race couples, couples expecting a child with Down's Syndrome or other "otherness", lesbian or single mothers [see my earlier post with the story about my friend: she knew before her child was born that both of them were going to have a tough time]...

Just as I believe that you should be honest right from the start with your children about sex, or the fact that they're adopted, or that grown-ups (including you) don't always have all the answers, or the fact that you have your down days or sometimes show anger towards them when they did nothing wrong - it's just that you were feeling mad at yourself or at something/somebody else and I'm sorry, Darling, that I let it out on you... just so I think that you should be honest with them right from the start about polyamory and stand beside them to face whatever prejudice the world might sling at you.

If you're not honest right from the start, then when they do find out... do you think that they'll ever trust you 100% again?

As for Tonberry's "looking how it's done with plural marriage": this is good advice and you should check it out, but remember that plural marriages are often an accepted facet of an already established community (such as the Mormons) that offers its members support. So it doesn't apply 100% to living poly while surrounded by monos. [I have to smile when I use the word "monos", because it Spanish it means monkeys!:D]

[Any time you feel that you need support, just come to this board!]
 
I wish my post could have remained separate....now it is lost in this thread which doesn't really apply to my situation. There are some interesting stories here but I couldn't find any about people in a triad or vee having NEW children, to be raised in a polyamorous family with three parents from the very start. Anyone????? or is this not generally done?

If you are in a situation where babies are being actively discussed in a three-adult context, I would suggest you really look into the state laws and what kind of private agreements you can make. Draw up a list of things that need to be discussed and agreed upon. Here are some ideas;

1) If you live separately or somebody moves away at some point, how often can they expect to meet the child?
2) Who is the legal guardian? How many guardians can one child have in your state?
3) Who, if anyone, will claim paternity?
4) Who pays for the child? How will you negotiate financially important investments, like schooling fees?
5) Where will the child live? What if the relationship dissolves? Will you all still continue to live as family or does the child continue living with their birth parent(s)?
6) Where will the child spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays etc.?
7) Whose surname will the child have?
8) Who decides on the child's name? How many first names can one person have in your state?
9) Who will do what? What roles will you assume? Will all be equal co-parents and share in the decision making equally, or will somebody have more of an auntie/uncle position?
10) What if somebody wants to relocate out of state? Will your family form still be recognized in that state?
11) What will you do when there's conflict on decisions regarding the child?
12) If you want to have more than one child but they have different biological parents, should you take measures to prevent social siblings from being forced apart if the relationship ends?
13) What will be the role, if any, possible future partners will have in the child's life?
14) If there's problems with fertility, who will cover the costs of treatment?
 
Thank you Tonberry, MrFar and Black Unicorn for your responses.

Tonberry, I'm curious and alarmed by what you said about people worrying their children could get taken away. Has this happened? This isn't illegal, is it? Could a well-cared for child really be taken away from its two loving parents just because there was a third person involved?

BU, those are all great things to think about and discuss. Thanks!
 
Rachelina,

Our youngest child has been raised from birth in a three parent dynamic. Her bio-father she calls by his given name, she calls my husbandand I mom and dad.

We choose to have her, she wasn't an accident, she was planned. Her name actually references a triad.

She just doesn't happen to be my only or first child. ;)


Yes, children can be taken away in some states, because of asinine laws pertaining to what is or isn't legal regarding marriage and living situations.
 
This isn't illegal, is it? Could a well-cared for child really be taken away from its two loving parents just because there was a third person involved?

Up in here reasons that can form the grounds for putting a family under 'surveillance' by the Child Welfare Office are things like 'deviant sexual practices' and 'irregular family life', 'frequent over-night visitors that are not part of the family' etc. The wordings are very vague and leave A LOT of room for interpretation as to what amounts to a threat to a child's wellbeing.

Get to know the Child Protection Acts in the state you live VERY CAREFULLY. They are built on a very restrictive nuclear heterosexual family model and child welfare officers are not always the most sympathetic people in what comes to alternative family forms because of the ideology their work is based on.
 
Tonberry, I'm curious and alarmed by what you said about people worrying their children could get taken away. Has this happened? This isn't illegal, is it? Could a well-cared for child really be taken away from its two loving parents just because there was a third person involved?

Sadly, it has happened. Seems to be along the lines of "the parents are obviously irresponsible and can't take care of a child" or "it's traumatizing for children to witness such depravity" and things like that.
I don't know how often it has happened or how high the risk is, but I know it has played a part in a lot of people having children or not, or being open or not.
 
It really makes a HUGE difference where you live and who you already associate with.

For example, with our family, the whole family is very supportive and our state is already "the black sheep" of the U.S. in many ways. Many people who move here, do so to get away from the more closed-minded lifestyle expectations and live a more "out of sync with the norm" life.

BUT-it certainly pays to know the risks before you bring an innocent child into them, cover your bases, get your ducks in a row etc. ;)
 
Wow....I had no idea that could happen. I did look up my state's Child Protection Act and didn't see anything that would apply to polyamory. As far as I can tell, the state only gets involved in cases of abuse or neglect, but I'll read it more thoroughly later. There was a section called "Household Members" but it was repealed in 1994; I'm curious what it said.

Loving Radiance, it's so good to hear we're not the only ones attempting this kind of arrangement. Maybe I'll have questions for you as things develop further. Thanks everyone!
 
Loving Radiance, it's so good to hear we're not the only ones attempting this kind of arrangement. Maybe I'll have questions for you as things develop further. Thanks everyone!

You're more than welcome to ask me anything. All of my kids have had odd parenting arrangements. ;)
My sister and I raised the oldest alone for the first 6 years. When I married Maca, he became a third parent to her and my sister and I became additional parents to my stepson who was 2.
The youngest boy has had 4 parents in the household his whole life. He's 11. He's been raised with his dad, myself, my sister and my boyfriend as his parents.

Then, the baby, she's the bio-child of boyfriend and I, from home done "in vitro" process. (no sex).

All of them have called me mom, Maca dad, and GG by his given name+"ey", they call Mimi "auntie". But, the way they relate to all of us is as parents.

From a parenting standpoint we're definitely a quad.

It's been a GODSEND at times. :)
One thing we have managed to do very well is parenting the kids together.
:)

(ages 19, 15, 11, soon to be 4)
 
Wow....I had no idea that could happen. I did look up my state's Child Protection Act and didn't see anything that would apply to polyamory. As far as I can tell, the state only gets involved in cases of abuse or neglect, but I'll read it more thoroughly later. There was a section called "Household Members" but it was repealed in 1994; I'm curious what it said.

Loving Radiance, it's so good to hear we're not the only ones attempting this kind of arrangement. Maybe I'll have questions for you as things develop further. Thanks everyone!

The things is, like others have said, it doesn't have to include household members for it to still be a reason to remove the children. You need one person who feels what you are doing is unsafe to the kids in anyway, they need one person at child Welfare to listen to them. One person that agrees with the complaint and your kids are gone, then it's up to a judge.

Which is why it all depends on where you are and the type of people you associate with.

Also keep in mind that some states will atuomaticaly give paternity to the spouse and to contest that you have to go to court. Doesn't matter what you put on the Birth Certificate, in some states, simply being married constitues paternity. So if a male partner other than a husband were to be the father and want legal guardianship, a paternity test and a judge would have to happen.

When I did my Child Welfare training we were taught to really look at the situation and the child. To acknowledge that different cultures/family styles exist and are not neccesarily damaging. Doesn't mean that everyone will see it that way though.
 
Originally Posted by Rachelina
Tonberry, I'm curious and alarmed by what you said about people worrying their children could get taken away. Has this happened? This isn't illegal, is it? Could a well-cared for child really be taken away from its two loving parents just because there was a third person involved?
Sadly, it has happened. Seems to be along the lines of "the parents are obviously irresponsible and can't take care of a child" or "it's traumatizing for children to witness such depravity" and things like that.
I don't know how often it has happened or how high the risk is, but I know it has played a part in a lot of people having children or not, or being open or not.
Not only sexual matters. And sometimes it really depends not just on the local laws but on who is your Child Welfare officer. I know of a family in Ireland who were accused of burning their child with lit cigarettes. He was taken into care. The parents went to court and argued that those weren't old cigarette burns: they were chilblains! (Remember that this is in cold, wet Ireland.) The child backed up their version and obviously wanted to return home. If they were bad parents - the kind to put out lit cigarettes on their son - why did the State allow them to maintain custody of their other children???

It would have meant "losing face" for the officer to admit that she had made a mistake. And - apparently - for the State to admit that it had put its trust in someone who made such mistakes. So - to save face!!! - a child was kept in care FOR YEARS... until that Child Welfare officer retired, and the boy was allowed by her successor to return to his family.

Of course it helped to complicate the matter that the family were working class, alternative life-style, political activists...

The bottom line is: the State can do any thing they bloody well want. If that is going to stop you from living the life you choose to live, that's one way they win (by default). Sheeple...

Just be aware... and be careful.
 
Wow, I'm still amazed that it's even a remote possibility that a child could be taken away because she has three loving parents instead of two. Unbelievable. Really I had been more interested in advice on the emotional dynamics of this kind of situation, but I'm glad you all opened my eyes to the legal aspects, because it had never even crossed my mind. We are in New Hampshire and people here, while conservative, also have a very libertarian streak which I hope will be on our side.
 
The bottom line is: the State can do any thing they bloody well want. If that is going to stop you from living the life you choose to live, that's one way they win (by default). Sheeple...

Just be aware... and be careful.

Yes, one can argue that you must stand up for your rights or they will be taken away from you. But, in my opinion, when I chose to have children, I chose to take responsibility for their health and well-being. Having them placed in a foster care home is not to their benefit (I find it important to point out that I was abused by a state-certified foster parent who had MANY ON-RECORD complaints that the state ignored, and she was a foster parent for many years after I became an adult), so I must temper my decisions with the knowledge that I am responsible for keeping them in a safe home until they are adults. In the mean time, I try to educate them to stand up for themselves while taking care of the people to whom they are responsible. Sadly, life is not black and white, and sometimes you must make compromises for the ones you love. If it looks like a fight that might end up with my children taken away, then we will find another way. *I can fight this fight when it will not harm the ones I love and who have no ability to walk away from the fight.*
 
Taking a break from poly to start a family

I found something RP mentioned in another thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9721) very intriguing. She described how she and PN took a break from poly while they were having their baby. So my question is; is this something a lot of people do? Taking a break from poly while trying to get with child and rearing them?

I can understand that dating with a newborn is logistically difficult, but this is actually a second time I hear a couple making a conscious decision to stop exploring poly alltogether when the children are very young.

I'm interested in hearing people's experiences as to dating/not dating while having a child in a (previously) poly couple.
 
I suggest searching for posts by XYZ123 and Vandalin. They both have stories that are along the lines of what you're asking for, but seeiing as how they both you know, have more children now and are kind of busy, they haven't been on here much recently.

And of course there's always redpepper.
 
I found something RP mentioned in another thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9721) very intriguing. She described how she and PN took a break from poly while they were having their baby. So my question is; is this something a lot of people do? Taking a break from poly while trying to get with child and rearing them?

We seem to be doing the opposite - our girl is scheduled to arrive shortly before our baby is due (she is long distance now). I do worry that it will be a lot of change to adjust to at once. On the other hand, it will be great to have an extra person around to help with the baby and the household, not to mention much-needed female companionship for me. I can see why people would want to take a break from dating, but in our case we are all committed to each other already so it doesn't make sense to take a break.
 
Back
Top