New to poly with husband, seeking advice

As long as you are not in immediate physical danger, no one expects you to pack your bags and leave tonight. Take care!
 
As long as you are not in immediate physical danger, no one expects you to pack your bags and leave tonight. Take care!
Agreed. I'm certainly not saying "get out now". :)

I think, however, you need to spend time thinking about what meets YOUR needs and seriously considering whether this is a relationship that you want to continue for the rest of your life (or any long term period).
 
update

We had a long conversation when he landed in LA. We talked a lot about this. I said I could not do this anymore. For the sake of our marriage, we need to grow strong and grow together, and when we are stronger, take on our relationships with other people.

He was very caring and observant and very understanding. He understood when I talked with him that I can do no more. He explained that he was appreciative of the massive effort I put in to try and accommodate him and says our relationship means more to him. He agrees that we should work on us, and is going to end things appropriately and politely with the girl he is seeing, and not seek out anyone else without clearly discussing it with me and waiting until it is right to bring the topic up again.

Thank you. I appreciate your insight and suggestions. I feel that we have made the best decision for us, and your input really helped.
 
PLease keep us all updated now that we're involved peripherally!

And read around on this site! There are a lot of threads with good discussions and stories, and some useful links to other internet resources.
 
Congrats. I've got to say, that had the best ending it could have.

Please, keep popping into the forums. :)
 
Thank you very much for the well wishes. I am definitely going to be around and reading the forums and will absolutely keep and update going with what is happening in our lives.

Thank you again!
 
Oh, pooey. I missed it all. :( That was the fastest thread drama ever! Congrats to all of you.

I was going to suggest that perhaps this whole business about your husband meeting up with this woman was a bit hasty, but not the end of the world. It sounded to me like you were biting off more than you could chew when you agreed to let him go and were now trying to rein it all in.

It sounds to me like there is still some emotional patching up to do for the two of you and that you are not entirely healed from the past that you both share. I applaud you for taking the chance and agreeing to him going off to meet this love he has. That was a BIG move in my eyes, perhaps too big for right now, but eventually will be less of a threat.

I wrote what I had to say anyway, in case it helps.

I wasn't sure I got that he is emotionally black mailing you, or cheating, just that you had a moment of cynicism that comes from having been hurt before and experiencing it again more than you thought you would have when he left.

Good luck.
 
Hello,

Thank you for your response. Yes, I do feel like I bit off more than I could chew and deal with. From that perspective, the cynicism does make sense. I guess time will help alleviate that pain. I agree, I do feel like it was moving too fast.

Thank you for your thoughts. This has been a valuable learning experience.
 
Update

Well, he has been gone for almost a week, and I am not doing so well. I come back and read this thread daily and consider it from multiple perspectives. I get very angry, and do not want to talk with him for fear of my wrath spilling over onto him.

If I am unhappy, I need to talk to him about it in a considerate thought-out manner. I am so hurt and upset though, that I find fits of anger not easy to restrain and seek to avoid contact for the most part. We had an impactful conversation when he left, but my fears/hurt/concern are that nothing is going to happen further from that conversation. He said to me during our discussion that if I could not take it anymore, "I will do whatever you want. Just tell me what that is."

He also wants to break it off slowly with her, after he returns. I cannot deny him that, but at the same time, why is he in LA building a relationship with someone that he is falling in love with, just to break up with her in theory? She is demanding of his time and emotions, as well, which indicates to me more of a desire for a deeper connection than just fucking. I know that is jealous-speak, but I feel it honest to also state the truth of observation.

In my opinion, I have made it clear where I am. Why can't he just do what's right? I feel angered that he wants me to tell him what to do. Why is that responsibility solely on me? If I have expressed this is too much for me and it is hurting us, is that not enough?

He is still in LA with her. I am at a loss of even how to negotiate around not being rageful towards him. Every morning I write out an email to him from scratch, explaining how I feel and what I am thinking. The deal I made with myself is that if I still feel like it is a reasonable email to send by the end of the day, I will. So far, I have not sent one.

I have even considered sending him the link to this post.

I have unfortunately let a couple of my texts through in anger. I am not proud of that. They are not abusive, but they do resound with hurt. I do not call him every name in the book, either. I think what I feel is a lot more extreme then what I permit myself to say out loud.

I'm not sure even what to say now. My work performance sucks. I'm not fully functional. I'm at a loss of what to do. Additionally, what do I do/how do we fix this mess when he gets back? Am I being unreasonable?

Thank you. It's a lot of questions, and I'm a tired one.
 
Ugh.

He is unavailable to speak right now, but through texting he explained to me that he broke it off with her two days after going to LA. They are trying to be friends and make the best of it in the meantime. So, I think they are intimate, but changing the nature of the relationship.

I don't know what to say. Our communication seems to be the biggest problem.

Clearly, if I had understood that earlier, I would not be so confused with his intentions, up till now. I was hostile and trying to limit my contact with him to not be mean, meaning that he probably felt no good opportunity to tell me that he had spoken with her in the first place. If it was brought back to a play-partner thing I think I would have wrapped my head around it easier than them falling in love, then having to break it off amidst the heat of new-relationship romance.

Everyone is suffering in this situation.

I am humbled and feel bad and like I have overstepped my boundaries and hurt people. He is monkey in the middle now between two hurt girls. She is sad and he knows I feel unwell.

Yikes. What a mess.
 
First, I'm glad to see you still posting your thoughts and feelings out on this. I've read older threads where people pull away because they hear what they don't want to admit.

Well, he has been gone for almost a week and I am not doing so well. I come back and read this thread daily and consider it from multiple perspectives. I get very angry and do not want to talk with him for fear of my wrath spilling over onto him.

If I am unhappy, I need to talk to him about it in a considerate thought-out manner. I am so hurt and upset though, that I find fits of anger not easy to restrain and seek to avoid contact, for the most part. We had an impactful conversation when he left, but my fears/hurt/concern are that nothing is going to happen further from that conversation.

Call it what you want. Some have labeled it "psychoanalytical bullshit," and some have seen the wisdom in it. Take from it as you will.

I don't believe "anger" is an emotion. I believe it's a defense mechanism. We might feel hurt, vulnerable, scared, insecure... whatever. When we feel these things, the tendency is to deflect-- make it "his" issue, make "her" the bad guy.

But they key issue is that you feel vulnerable, scared, <insert feelings here>.

I'm quite pleased you made this connection in writing, even if you're not yet making it in your own head.

He said to me during our discussion that if I could not take it anymore he would do whatever I wanted, just tell him what that is.

Men and women, in my experience, communicate differently. You might have that sense of accomplishment, or achievement. I dunno. You know when you have "the talk" and you feel that things are crystal clear? Men don't. Or, we have that feeling. I've chatted with my wife with the understanding that I'm making what I want to happen crystal clear. To me, a feeling or an understanding is a cause for action. For her, me feeling messed up is a fear expressed. We both walk away feeling very happy that the other "brought it to the table," but it isn't until a day later that we realize we had different opinions on what that discussion meant for each of us.

You likely wanted to explain how you feel and wanted him to do the same. I'm perhaps a bit of a misogynist for saying it (so be it) but I suspect he wasn't looking for how you felt but, "where you wanna go from here." Action v emotion.

He also wants to break it off slowly with her after he returns. I cannot deny him that but at the same time, why is he in LA building a relationship with someone that he is falling in love with, just to break up with her in theory?

You're 100% right on that one aspect. You can't deny him what he wants. He's a free person, thinking using his own mind. But you CAN decide wether or not you'll let him get away with it in your relationship. And more specifically, you don't have a choice. You either accept it, or you reject it.

I don't wanna go into the man-woman thing, but I suspect I've said things like this myself. When I said it, it was like, "I can't maintain a relationship with her if I'm not emotional and intimate and caring and respectful." What I MEANT was, "There's no chance I'm getting fucked tonight if I make her mad."

I knew, in the past, that sex and "intimacy" would add a layer of complexity to "dropping" a lady I was interested in. Back when I was a manipulative bastard, I had no issues tossing it out there and hoping it stuck. Sticky situations make for really nebulous, and nut-getting, breakups.

She is demanding of his time and emotions as well, which indicates to me more of a desire for a deeper connection than just fucking. I know that is jealous-speak, but I feel it honest to also state the truth of observation.

It hasn't been while I had my "poly-awakening," but I've found ladies like this extremely intriguing. I like my ego being stroked. I like feeling as if I'm the only guy in the room able to hit on a lady this fucking hot!

It's bullshit. Experience tells me it's bullshit.

When someone (she) feels that she's inadequate, her sense of self is so wrapped up on "how others see me". If he DOESN'T give her that attention, then he sees her as "another slut". HE knows if he sees her as "another slut" and she picks up on it, he'll not get laid.

They're both playing a game of Russian roulette, without explaining the rules, because they each silently assume they know them.

In my opinion I -have- made it clear where I am. Why can't he just do what's right? I feel angered that he wants me to tell him what to do. Why is that responsibility solely on me? If I have expressed this is too much for me and it is hurting us, is that not enough?

He might get what you feel. If he does, he's either not factoring it into "what now?" or he's ignoring it. Either one implies he's an emotive idiot.

He is still in LA with the girl. I am at a loss of even how to negotiate around not being rageful towards him. Every morning I write out an email to him from scratch, explaining how I feel and what I am thinking. The deal I make with myself is that if I still feel like it is a reasonable email to send by the end of the day, I will. So far, I have not sent one of those emails. I have even considered sending him the link to this post.

Sometimes that breaks the ice. Sometimes it makes things worse.

I've sent those links before. Sometimes, I've found it leads to development. You're sharing here what you might not share with him, in an honest environment.

I've also had them backfire. Recently, I had a private message session with someone on these forums that really helped me put things in perspective. I considered sending her the messages (with this member's permission) and decided against it. I decided to actually talk to her and it did a lot to ease tensions.

You might spill your guts to a group of internet strangers, but it's hard to explain to someone you claim to love why you can express yourself to strangers, but not to that person.

I have unfortunately let a couple of my texts through in anger. I am not proud of that either. They are not abusive but they do resound with hurt. I do not call him every name in the book either. I think what I feel is a lot more extreme then what I permit myself to say out loud.

Why is it you feel so belittled you can't say how you FEEL?

I'm not sure even what to say now. My work performance sucks. I'm not fully functional. I'm at a loss of what to do. Additionally, what do I do/how do we fix this mess when he gets back? Am I being unreasonable?

You care about him, and you feel there's a disproportionate amount of energy and time spend on "making this work". It's not unreasonable to expect to be able to make things work.

I think it MIGHT be unreasonable of you expect him to change, or to expect a magical wave of the polyamory wand to make you feel "okay" about all of this. You feel bad. He does not. He can't change you, and you can't change him. The question is really, what line has to be crossed before you feel he's disrespecting you? When that line is crossed, you'll know; it won't work out.

That's a friggin' difficult line to cross. You'll know it a few weeks after you cross it. Perhaps in your next relationship, you'll shave a few days off of that time. Then perhaps a little more.

He is unavailable to speak right now, but through texting he explained to me that he broke it off with her two days after going to LA.

Lie.

Text conveys no emotion. Even emoticons fail to really convey them. Be wary of someone who claim's "it's over" by text.

If it was brought back to a play-partner thing, I think I would have wrapped my head around it easier then him and her falling in love, then they both have to break it off amidst the heat of new relationship romance.

My wife has casual sex with other men. It's part of our arrangement and it's done voluntarily with both of us.

BULL.
Fucking.
Shit.

It causes feelings for me!

We started with a "don't ask, don't tell" rule. We're still new into this whole "poly dynamic," but we're in it and I can tell you it's bull. You feel something. He feels something. Pretending that's not the case is counter-productive.

Everyone is suffering in this situation.

I am humbled. I feel bad and like I have overstepped my boundaries and hurt people. He is monkey in the middle now between two hurt girls. She is sad and he knows I feel unwell.

Yikes. What a mess.

Please reread this post.

I wrote it before reading everything you posted today.

If you feel it's "complicated" for him, I suspect you've not read my post about male manipulation tactics well enough. Please reread.
 
Yes, it sounds like he's pretty adept at making you feel that you and the other girl are the ones putting HIM through all of this.

The poor, poor guy. This must really suck for him.
 
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