To Bi or Not to Bi; That's the Query.

ATX

New member
Let's dive in:

My husband is opening up to his curiosity about the same sex. He has taken his time getting comfortable with being able to vocalize his wants from another man.

While wanting to explore his bi-curiosity, we are also just opening up to polyamory and we aren't sure how to describe what we want when it comes to adding a male prospect.

He says it isn't the sex that attracts him but sex organs. He says he doesn't find males attractive, but useful in a sexual way. This is not to say he doesn't understand that entering into a polyamorous relationship will include a relationship with another male. He just wants that to be a friendship. A straight friendship. He says he enjoys his intimacy with me and has no desire to kiss or cuddle with a man.

My question is: Is he straight and just likes being fucked by and messing around with guys occasionally or is he a certain degree of bi? How do we explain or express our wants and needs to our prospects?

I hope I wasn't convoluted. Thanks for the help in advance!

-ATX
 
There's a scale. I think Kinsey did one, but any bi or queer person can tell you where they fall on it. Completely straight, completely gay, or somewhere in between.

I find a lot of guys just want the cock of another man, not the whole man, no kissing, cuddling, dating.

That is why god gave us glory holes. Put your penis in hole in wall, get a bj! Voila! Everyone goes home satisfied.
 
How do we explain or express our wants and needs to our prospects?
Like this...

He says it isn't the sex that attracts him but sex organs. He says he doesn't find males attractive, but useful in a sexual way. This is not to say he doesn't understand that entering into a polyamorous relationship will include a relationship with another male. He just wants that to be a friendship. A straight friendship. He says he enjoys his intimacy with me and has no desire to kiss or cuddle with a man.

My question is: Is he straight and just likes being fucked by and messing around with guys occasionally or is he a certain degree of bi?

Is the classification the important part? He obviously has some urges that are not heterosexual... that would qualify as some range of bi-sexual to me. Though I'm not really sure how that helps him deal with the changes he is going through.

In order to find a community that is a bit more related to what you are doing you might want to use the Google to look up some terms. Start with polyamory, and bisexuality, for example.
 
Dan is the Man

I suggest your husband check out Dan Savage's more recent blogging, Savage Love columns, etc. on this very subject. (Not the stuff when he first started his column - he said some dumb things about bisexuality at first. He's evolved on the issue too.)

He suggests - and I agree - that there are bisexual people who can fall in love with both (or more) genders; there are bisexual people who like sex with, let's say a man with other men, but don't fall in love with male sex partners. There are bisexual people who love playing with sex organs. Let's say a man who loves to give head to another man but really isn't interested in anything more than that. (And I am using a male example because of your husband's situation but I believe this is true of both genders and probably trans folks too.) And there are more variations too - like women who love to cuddle and fondle women but can't imagine being in a relationship with another woman. Or people who are romantic towards one gender but not also sexual towards that gender.

The variations and subtle differences are probably close to infinite.

As long as one is upfront and honest and respectful, it is all good as far as I am concerned. As long as your husband tells potential male sex partners, 'hey, I am only interested in sexual experimentation. I'm not looking for a boyfriend, I'm not gay, I'm not going to leave the wife, I just want to play with your dick and have you play around with mine. Fuck and be fucked. Is that ok?' Do treat the other man respectfully, as a human being - a fuckbuddy is still a buddy, an actual or potential friend.

(As an aside, I personally can't get have sex without kissing. But lots of people work differently than me.)

You may run into bisexual prejudice from straight and gay people. Some gay people (not all but some) think anyone bisexual is 'really' gay and just hasn't figured it out yet. Sometimes that is true - people coming out do sometimes identify as bisexual as a way station identity until they get more comfortable in themselves. But often, bisexual is really where a person lands on the Kinsey scale. Some straight people also want bisexual to just 'pick one already!'. All you and your husband can do is learn about yourselves and each other, be introspective, explorative and be who you are.

And kudos to you for accepting your husband's sexual exploration.
 
Last edited:
And thats why I'd date separately, so he can figure out what he wants on his own without a convoluted "shit now we all like each other but one of us isn't into it the same way so do we all break up" issue.

I only say that since you say what do "we" say to prospects. If you just support him while he figures out what to say to interests on his own while you are supportive but not pushy, and date on your own, I'd imagine you can just worry about what HE is thinking and feeling instead of worrying about a third party.
 
Regarding the question of if he's straight and just likes fucking guys or if he's bi, that's really up to him to decide. The wonderful thing about sexuality is that we get to define it for ourselves.

As to how to communicate what he wants from a potential sexual partner, it sounds like he has it pretty clearly figured out for himself already. Just putting it out there like you have here should do just fine. Being really specific about what you want helps to find those people who will fit well with you. (That doesn't mean it will be easy though, the more outside the box what we're looking for is the more difficult it can be to find those people who fit).
 
Hey everyone, husband here. I really appreciate everyone's thought, comments, and replies.

So just to clarify what my wife said, I consider myself bi, but there is absolutely no attraction to men at all. I'm just a very sexual person, and I'm into just about any range of sexual activity. Kissing and cuddling is more intimate to me, and not something I'm interested in with men.

Also, I'm not interested in dating separately, at least not right now. We have discussed the possibility of that later on, but even then I would only be interested in women in that aspect.
 
Well, bisexual means biSEXUAL, not biromantic or bi-kissing-and-cuddling. So if you like having sex with someone who has a penis or with a penis that happens to be attached to a human being who is not a mtf trans person, then you are by definition "bisexual". If you need to tell yourself that you are "not attracted" to men, or that you (in this case not YOU-you but the hypothetical "you") don't want to "label" yourself that way, then that's fine. But what you described fits the definition of "bisexual". Just like i don't use the label "polyamorous" when i describe my relationships in words, what i describe DOES fit the definition.
 
Misunderstanding

This post wasn't so much, " how do I categorize my husband?" Nor was he asking. I suppose we were wondering if there were just an easier way to say it. Like a word for it, but there's not and we have had great input on the situation.

It was not my intention to generalize anyone, although now I wish I had worded my question better. Thanks all and sorry for the miscommunication.

-ATX
 
I didn't mean it like that at all. I was simply giving him (i was primarily responding to his post, not yours because this is really about him and now that he's here i see more benefit to addressing him directly than addressing your questions on his behalf) my permission to use the word "bisexual" even though he doesn't want to "kiss-and-cuddle" with another man. I also wanted him to know that just because "bisexual" is a "label" that doesn't mean it isn't a perfecly good vocabulary word with an existing definition that matches up with how he describes himself and does not automatically carry the "extra baggage" with it unless you let it. And if you acknowledge that extra baggage as something that has power over you, then feel free to not use the word.

That's all. You don't owe ME an apology. However, i can't speak for the other people who have posted in this thread.
 
I truly have no one to apologize to. I just don't want my poor choice of words to be misconstrued.

My opinion on labels is they are bullshit. People are people. We like what we like the way we like it. Our likes can vary and change all throughout life. Anyone who holds fast to or gets offended by a label should mellow out.

I'm mellow, and if I really did offend anyone at all, I didn't mean to.
 
I can see why someone such as the husband in this thread might reject describing himself as "bisexual" around people who don't know him, because to some people who are bi, they DO like to kiss and cuddle and hold hands and be romantic with partners of either sex. Some self-labeled bisexual people ONLY kiss-and-cuddle but don't have sex with partners of one sex, but do all of that with partners of the other sex. So the term "bisexual" does not comprehensively describe the behaviour of everyone who applies the word to themselves. But i'm looking at the word only - bi means two, sexual means of or pertaining to sex, and sex can mean different things but when used with bi in front of it usually refers to sex as pleasure/recreation rather than an act undertaken with reproduction as the goal.

So again, i affirm that it is descriptively accurate for the husband to self-identify as bisexual. See, i'm not even putting the b-word in quotation marks because it's a thing now.
 
Dear ATXGuy,
I am confused. You say you are bisexual but you are not attracted to men and you don't want to kiss or cuddle or date men.

So, what is it you want to do with other men, exactly? And why does your wife have to be involved with the same guys you are, too? Or am I misunderstanding you?

I guess I just don't get it. Nor do I understand the problem. Are you wondering how to say what you want to potential partners? If that's the case, I'm certainly not sure what you want, so I think it has to be made clearer.
 
So, what is it you want to do with other men, exactly?

Sex, more specifically I enjoy being a bottom and don't mind giving head and things like that. In the end though, it's still women who make me hit my climax, being with a male at the same time just enhances it.

And why does your wife have to be involved with the same guys you are, too?

I don't have desire to be in a one on one relationship with a man. As far as the poly goes, my wife would like that relationship, but I want more of a good friend, someone that I can hang out with, drink beer, and have some laughs.

I guess I just don't get it. Nor do I understand the problem. Are you wondering how to say what you want to potential partners? If that's the case, I'm certainly not sure what you want, so I think it has to be made clearer.

That's pretty much it, we're unsure of how to word our interests to potential partners. Most people that we end up talking with are more interested in just me, and my wife only because she'd be there.
 
I think he's using "attracted" in a different way from the way I (and maybe you, nycindie) use it.

To me, attracted means sexually attracted, in other words, that person or group of people can potentially make me horny, I can want to have sex with them. That's "attracted".

It seems the OP's partner is using "attracted" as in "romantically attracted" or something, as in meaning "wants a relationship with" or "wants to cuddle with".
I find it confusing too but I'm pretty sure that's what it is. I can't imagine someone saying "I'm not attracted to men but I want to have sex with them" and meaning "I don't want to have sex with men but I want to have sex with them".
 
I thought one of them said somewhere that he likes penises and fooling ariund with guys, doesn't mind the idea of hanging out with these hypothetical men who he'd have sex with but doesn't feel the romantic connection would enter into the picture. I would go searching for the relevant quotes, but i just spent three hours razzing my friends BreastCancerSurvivor and DialysisWoman about their medical conditions and answering their questions about non-monogamy, so i'm fresh out of appetite for copypasta.

Anyway, i'm wondering if not being able to understand difference between being "attracted" and being "bisexual" is anything like the difference between "casual" sex and "serious" sex.
 
Okay trying to get to the actual question, not the one(s) asked but basically the one you want an answer to.

It sounds like what is being asked is, this couple would like to find a man to date them both. Male unicorn basically, but want it put out there that there would not so much be a romantic relationship between the two men, a friendship is fine and of course sexual contact with all three. They are just unsure how to phrase it so that the man they are looking for will not assume too much in the realm of a romantic relationship with the male half of the couple. (or maybe with both halves of the couple) Am I close?
 
It's been stated by the female that the male partner wants to "be fucked" by a guy, which I assume means anally (or at least orally) penetrated. Sorry to be graphic, but since you're not looking for "amor," just sex, one can only assume that.

ATXGuy said:
Also, I'm not interested in dating separately, at least not right now. We have discussed the possibility of that later on, but even then I would only be interested in women in that aspect.

No dating separately means no sex unless there are 3 in the bed, or at least the room?

Somehow he only wants to be fucked by another guy if his female partner is there, either to observe or participate. I guess that makes it more exciting... and maybe makes it feel "less gay." Maybe it's OK if the female feels romantic things for the hypothetical new partner? Maybe it's OK if the hypothetical new partner feels romantic things for her? How much deep love is "allowed," while male partner merely gets his rocks off?

How much does the female want from a new partner? What is her desire? She isn't doing this as a sacrifice, I assume? She wants sex and maybe love/romance with another?

I recommend this couple do all the reading they can here about unicorn hunting, rights of unicorns, pitfalls of triads, to inform their search in "adding a third" to their relationship.
 
Last edited:
How experianced is he with other men? I ask this because in my opinion it may take a while to overcome stigmas and personal reservations about your attraction to men. It may be easier to say your not attracted for anything other than sex, but through sex you may findm someone who you are attracted to in a way beyond that. In todays society with the stigmas falling all around you t might be a better course of acton to just try not to limit yourselve or define your self either way. Given time you may find a man who you find attractive in all ways or it may be something you try and then decide its not for you. In other words what good are you doing in limiting yourself at this point. Experiment and find out who you are without trying to fit into someone elses definantion, but do so by exploring every possible option before you decide who/what you are.
 
Back
Top