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Old 07-05-2013, 08:48 PM
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Ramina Ramina is offline
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Glendale, AZ
Posts: 13

Originally Posted by Natja View Post
To the OP, your personal ad is pretty objectifying and therefore is unlikely to attract anyone to you, despite you being a very handsome couple, I would sincerely suggest you edit it heavily and go and do some reading as previously suggested. This particular link will be a good place to start
Thank you Natja However, we're not here to waste anyone's time. It's best being honest from the beginning, rather than string someone along or worse. Worse being, beginning a relationship with less than compatible person, hoping they'd change but having resentment build up due to knowing they won't improve, until the point the relationship shatters, possibly damaging our marriage in the process somehow.

We've carefully considered which qualities we wanted in our third. Is it not right to be open with some of them rather than string someone along? Of my wife & I, I'm the extrovert & tactful one. Within reason, I'm always willing to think of others. The missus however is introverted, but severely candid. If what I posted shakes one's esteem, take solace in the fact my wife is not the OP. For example with Cindie this morning:
Mina checking her cell, "Babe. Our post just got trolled."

Me, "Trolled? How so? Let me take a look. Maybe they're just socially awkward. Labeling someone a Troll, right off the bat is harsh."

Mina, "The troll has posted over 5,000 times in 3 years. There's only 365 days in a year. She's a troll."

Me, "Maybe she's just a lot of time on her hands & is trying to help."

Mina, "You're from NY, right? (Me, Yes) You're a poly, right? (Me, Yes) You've got lots of friends, right? (Me, Yes) When you lived NY, when did you have the time to post 5,000 of anything in any length of time?"

Me, "Honestly...never. Way too much to do in NY. Besides, I'm a face to face, person. You know that."

Mina, "Exactly! Only a lonely troll has that kind of time to spend."

Me, "I'll thank Cindie, share a little more, & we'll see where it goes."

Mina, "Kababaihan kaya! (loosely translated: Women's Intuition) You're wasting your time on them. That woman's a troll, & trolling is contagious. Being quiet & nice, doesn't exclude me from reminding someone when they're rude. She's not worth the time."
That dialogue between my wife & I, is almost verbatim from this morning.

I guess my over-arching points are:
  1. Although patient, we don't want to waste anyone's time or ours.
  2. We don't want to give anyone false hope.
  3. It's not our aim to hurt anyone.
  4. We're not hunting unicorns. The very term "unicorn" suggest an impossibility & lack of self esteem to pursue one's goals. Moreover, we're seeking no composite of qualities in a person that is unreasonable. We have in mind the kind of person we want. We didn't settle with each other, nor will we with anyone else.

Keep in mind, we've 2 children & a nice home life here. Our decision to create a triad was not done on a whim, nor without years between our beginning & now, to come the conclusion that we can have a poly family. We didn't just wake up one morning from under the pile of our fellow lifestylers & thought, "Gee! We ought to have a triad. It sounds cool!" Our oldest child is 9, & we been talking this idea over with her since she was 6. We involved our daughter in making this choice to begin a triad, not that we thought she'd fully understand, but because we fully understand this decision doesn't just affect my wife & I. Not to mention the woman who we start our triad, may have children of her own.

It was a great undertaking by us all, including our family outside our home--our parents, siblings, etc.. What should one sensible do, just pop up with someone new at family events without the family having an idea of our relationship dynamic? Hide it? Nonsense. Anyone who believes any relationship can exist happily, grow & thrive, or even survive, long term under that depth of secrecy, they're not in touch with reality. Period.

This isn't our first rodeo, we're just new to this Polyamory forum. We had a triad once until our ex-third became homesick--among other things to the point she decided to move. At that time weren't financially capable to uproot ourselves & follow her. Plus our ex-third was unsure of herself, not quite certain where she fit with us. She also believed of herself an unnecessary burden to us with all her baggage (children & their fathers, their families, finances, etc.), although we (my wife & I) were completely willing to & did help her however we could. Basically, she needed to center herself & truthfully so did we. While our triad lasted it, was fun, great, warm, loving, a wonderful adventure, but also not meant to be. Since then, we've grown & had time to truly narrow down what we need in our next third.

We're not about to squander the harmony of our family because we decided to invite someone into our lives that is less than compatible to our goal to begin with.If anyone has a problem with the specifics of what we need in a person, them & our family aren't a match from the start. We can work with self esteem issues, that's what families do, but we refuse to entangle our lives with cynics & pessimists. There's meds for that.

Anyways... For those people interested in getting to know us on a deeper level, my apologies for these hostilities. Sometimes one must bear their fangs.

Chat soon
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