If it's been causing you pain recently, it's time to try something else, namely avoiding getting too close to people in relationships. Be friends, sure, but don't put yourself into situations where you might start crushing on them.
How can I do that? I find that the more I get to know someone I might crush on, the more my feelings develop, and I'm not sure anything varies but the time scale.
Well, in broad strokes, if you think you have a pattern of falling for unavailable people, examine why. There is likely something valuable to be learned from reflecting on that.
I don't think I fall for unavailable people - I sometimes fall for people who are in relationships (and who perhaps have never questioned monogamy). For instance, here's the distinction: There is one person I know who I could perhaps have developed a crush on. He is in a monogamous relationship, and he is truly monogamous. He only has feelings for her and only wants to be with her. They are very much in love. Most of the time, I only feel compersion for them, and overall this friendship causes me no pain. He is very clear that he is happily unavailable, and truly so. So in my mind I filed him the way I used to
always file people in
any sort of relationship: unavailable.
But some people aren't monogamous, but they are in monogamous relationships. And this is where it gets tricky. Somehow, I think, I sense their feelings for me, and perhaps even subconsciously, my own developing feelings for them are encouraged by this. (I would never cheat. Never. So my actions are not the issue.)
However, the heart is a wily beast and not so easily controlled. Unless you only hang out with always available poly people (rarer than the fabled unicorn!) you will come across attractive, awesome people who are unavailable for whatever reason. Maybe they are mono, maybe poly saturated, busy with life or just not interested.
Yep. :/
I think you handled the situation with your recent crush beautifully. It didn't turn out how you wanted which is so painful. But you may have made a long lasting connection with this couple. The friend could not reciprocate but I suspect she may reflect back with joy knowing that you, while she was so sick and struggling, still found her lovely and desirable. That is a hell of a gift. And think of what she gave you, honesty and trust and respect for your gift, even though she couldn't accept it. You seem to have learned so much.
Thank you.
But I don't think it's over yet. She won't be sick forever, I hope. I still have hope for something different than friendship - maybe in a year from now, maybe sooner, maybe later. She is the sort of person that I think will be in my life for a long time. I honestly just want to be with her in whatever way I can. I will wait for her, and if she ever says I should stop waiting, I will still be her friend. (This situation is helped because she's more or less asexual - so friendship and relationship are mostly just labels for type of feelings, not degree of feelings.)
Yes you could avoid the pain of rejection and loss by avoiding similar situations or people. But maybe you shouldn't. A much harder path with more pain but possibly so much more alive and rewarding!
Thank you.
If they have made no overtures about being poly, then yes, you should totally avoid any romantic entanglement with, and should file them away as "do not touch" when it comes to crushes. Developing crushes where the only hope of something happens is in your dreams and fantasies will probably only end up with you frustrated and hurt, or doing something colossally stupid (or some combination).
I'm just not sure these are fantasies - with my friend above, who is naturally monogamous, I don't have these conflicted feelings. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever had such feelings for someone who doesn't return them at all - and that's the problem.
However, I know someone who was in exactly this position, and trying to talk reason to her was like trying to talk to a brick wall.... It's too easy to get into the "but what if he/she is really poly and doesn't know it", or convincing yourself that the existing relationship is either not good for him or already on the rocks. "Here be Dragons"
I don't feel the second urge, but I do feel the first. Can you explain why that is harmful? I'm 21 - the vast majority of people my age who are poly don't know it. Should I not try, at least, to bring it up?
So if you can control, it, then please do so.
Can I? I don't know.
That is the version in a monogamous world - the poly version of this would be "Stay away from people in monogamous relationships". But you can also add to this that you need to stay away from developing crushes on folks who are profoundly monogamous if you are polyamorous - that can lead to large amounts of pain and suffering too.
The second part is easy - the first part is hard, mostly because of my age and the age of those around me, I think.
Maybe you need to distinguish friendship from romantic interest. I have quite a few people who I feel attracted to who are not available. But I know that and I don't let it go further in my mind than "wow, that person is attractive". I don't picture myself having a romantic relationship with them and certainly would never dream of acting on it in any way that made their lives difficult or ruined our friendship.
I don't mean that sort of attraction - I mean romantic attraction. Not "I love that we're both into scifi and also I want to bang you, but I'm fine with friendship" but "I want to be with you, maybe for a long time."
For some people monogamy is the only way that they want to have a relationship. I think that we need to respect that in the same way that we would respect any boundary, and in the same way that we would like them to accept our way.
But isn't it okay to ask them if that's true for them?
I firmly believe that folks have to come to their own realisations about things like this - it's not our job to "convert" anyone, just to show that this is indeed, a viable lovestyle.
That is fair.
If you are not capable of handling and controlling your feelings towards unavailable people, then yes, I think you need to do that. However, I would suggest that you also do some work on yourself along the lines of distinguishing attraction from the automatic desire to have a relationship with them. Because if you can get better at doing that, then you may well be able to be more open to folks, and not let it get out of hand. You will be able to keep friendships and be a lot happier in the process.
Part of the problem arises in that I recently admitted I'm biromantic (that is, I don't just want to bang girls - I want to be with some of them). Both these two recent painful crushes began before I realized this about myself. With my friend who is sick, E, I did warn her when I first started crushing (because this was in the midst of my painful realization about R, the girl I was halfway in love with and had been in denial about it) - I said to E, "I think I could get a crush on you. Could you get a crush on me, too?" And E grinned and said, "Yeah. I could." (It's also worth noting that both women were single when I began to crush - but when I asked this question, E was in a relationship.)
Perhaps future women I meet I'll be able to be aware of this sooner and not get into these situations.
I am wondering what you mean by "crush" if it is turning out to be painful. I have always enjoyed developing crushes on people, when there is no expectation or hope of it becoming a relationship. For me I guess that feels like a friendship with a little extra layer of excitement that makes the time spent together feel especially good. I don't think this is harmful to anyone.
Oh - that's not what I mean. Not friendship plus sexual tension. Friendship plus "I want to be with you." (If it's just tension I call it a "little crush.")
I don't know what happened in your case but it sounds like there was something else going on. If your pain is from frustration or disappointment, does this mean you had hopes of a (beyond friendship) relationship developing, or the crush being reciprocated?
Yes.
My bf and I lost two good friends because of this. I came to find out that she was prying and trying to convince my bf that he shouldn't be with me, that our relationship is "bad" and "unhealthy" and that he could never be happy with me because he's poly and I was never going to come to terms with the whole idea.
It really turned out that she was upset that I wasn't yet okay with him being with her also, but at the same time she was completely unwilling to talk to me about poly and what her expectations were or what mine should be (she's the experienced poly one, not bf and I). I believe she did this unconsciously, but regardless the damage done to our friendship with her is quite extensive.
Since I realized I'm poly and this started becoming more of an issue, I've never had a crush on a person in a relationship and not told them so and been open about it.
If you end up doing this and it all blows up in your face (and there's a good chance it will) you will be looked upon by the other parties with great suspicion from then on.
I would never do such a thing, I promise.