I'm starting to think that that he was correct. Love is not a scarce resource, therefor humans (who don't have a chemical imbalance making it impossible) can have romantic love for more than one person at a time; that's not up for debate as far as I'm concerned. SO the more clearly distinguishing characteristic between a mono and poly person is not how many people they are in love with, but whether or not they can embrace their partner loving other people... are they poly friendly?
Hi Marcus, I appreciate your perspective. However, I would say, this is all very individual. Some people, and I have met many, do not have the capacity for multiple love. In a way, I have always considered myself open-minded, and so I knew that I would have this capacity, but never thought I would have the desire. I have always been a multi-dater. Since I've been single, when in an attempt to find a great partner, I have been of the mind that I could date more than one guy at a time, and get to know more than one person at a time. There are people, however, who do not have this desire, do not have this mindset or perspective. Love is not a scarce resource, but the kinds of love that one can give, to some, may be. I am not a person who ever wishes or believes that my perspective is the only one that exists, and that what I believe is right, while others' are wrong. As for poly friendly... that is my problem. I know it. I do find myself in this dilemma, as I am poly friendly when it comes to being open-minded an understanding, but this has been thrown into my own world and has been difficult to digest. I know I am still struggling with the notion of being poly friendly as it relates to myself. So, I guess, ultimately, if one has to decide if they are, or if they are not... then I am not. I know. The irony. It is sad, and one of my struggles.
It is clearly hypocritical to insist upon a double standard like the one you have suggested; but you know that. So the next step is to determine if this is where you want to be.
I have not denied the hypocrisy of my desires. But, it is who I am and how I feel. It makes my stomach turn the thought of Michael with another woman. I cannot do that at all... and had it not been for our circumstance, I would truly myself, not be with another man. So, fine, a hypocrite I am. I have to accept that. I do not have the "poly" mindset. I am not into any type of "Open Love" or anything like that. I am open-minded, or at least try to be, but I ask something of Jason that I could not do myself. He did not have to accept it. I cannot let Michael go. I am not ready to. Yet, I know, that I cannot make him happy with the demands I have either, so I have to compromise with myself. I have to take myself outside of my comfort zone. Jason is working through this, and is a little "different" as well in his views of relationship and partnership (I cannot get into it). So, I know he will accept the situation. If he does not. Then, I will understand that and it is his choice.
You seem to resign yourself to "it's just what I'm used to". This is a statement of surrender, as if you have no control over the direction of your thought process. Do you believe that you can't change? Considering this huge change you have recently found yourself making... does it seem likely that there are other aspects of your worldview which you can change if you put your mind to it?
"can" and "want" are two different things. I don't want to live a lifestyle where my partners have partners, and their partners, have partners. This is not me. Sorry if that makes me an outcast on these boards. It is just not me. I could see myself in a Closed V Triad (I guess that is what you call it)... where me and two other people (MFF or MFM) are in a committed relationship. But, not where it is open. I have no interest in that whatsoever.
Essentially, this is harboring a resentment because of a past action and then using it as ammunition in a current situation. I'm guessing that he told you to back down because he felt smothered (just a shot in the dark), it hurt your feelings, and now you are holding it over him in a current development which is IN NO WAY RELATED to that past event.
Marcus, here is where you have gotten it totally wrong and confused. No, Michael did not feel smothered. That was not the issue in our relationship. The issue was that I wanted to do things as a family, have our families together (his kids, my kids), do vacations together and be included when he went to family functions. I wanted to be part of his life, and not something that was more left like it was on the side. It is totally different than what you've described, and another story altogether.
I am not holding anything over him. I love him, and am trying to find a way that will make it so we both get what we want... to be together. But, we can both be happy while we do it... me having a "Family" and him having space to not necessarily have to intertwine me in places where he is not comfortable.
It is difficult to understand without all of the details... but just know, I do not believe I am creating unhealthy relationships. My family does not like Michael for a reason... I love Michael for many reasons. Jason is the ideal of what my family thinks a man, who is committed should be. Jason is the type of guy, that I would have totally fallen for, mono, had I not met and fallen head over heels for Michael first.
Michael and I are in the same boat. We both deeply love one another, but we know, he cannot fully satisfy what I am looking for in a relationship. It puts too much stress and pressure on him to try and do so. Because of this, we even joked one time that I should get another partner who can meet that need. That was two years ago. I never in a million years thought I would actually do it.