mono/poly ... just beginning...

heartdoodler

New member
I won't go into all of the details. I never even considered myself Poly. I fell in love with two men, who offer me greatly what I need in my life. I am selfish, I want both of them. We were all mono. Now, I am asking them to be in a Poly'ish (I guess), life with me. They don't have to meet. They don't have to know each other. But, I do want to be honest with them. I do not want to sneak around, or consider myself cheating on the other.

Jason says he can do it one minute, because he loves me so dearly and wants to be with me. Then, the next minute he says if I love him, I wouldn't ask and would just be with him. I don't love him enough he says. Then we talk, and we talk, and he says he loves me and wants to be with me, and will try to see if this can work.

Michael, just doesn't want to hear about Jason. Wants to pretend he does not exist. Michael needs much less time together to feel loved, so most of my time is spent with Jason. Michael is fine with that, but hates the thought of knowing where I am when I am not with him.

I don't know if this will work. I don't know what I am doing. Does this stand a chance? People who aren't even Poly... even the "Hinge" Is that what I am? Does this stand a chance?

I have a friend who is Poly (first time I had ever heard of such a thing!)... and he suggested I get informed and stop saying I'm not Poly. That regardless of what I am, I am trying to have an honest relationship with two different men. Am I crazy?
 
You aren't crazy. I went through the same thing, recognizing that there was a name for how I feel and that it really was okay for me to be in love with both Hubby and Guy. Each of them brings different things to the table in our relationships, and now that I've been in this situation for a little while, I can't imagine going back to being monogamous.

Kudos to you for being honest, with yourself and with your guys, and for taking the time to learn more about polyamory and yourself.

That said, it sounds like your men aren't necessarily on board with the situation. Someone saying "If you loved me you wouldn't do this" is being a little bit pushy at best. Someone telling you he hates knowing where you are when you aren't with him, obviously has some problems with your other relationship.

Can something like this work? Yes, but only if everyone is in agreement. As Hubby says, it's a "three yes system." All three of you need to agree on *how* it will work, on how to cope with jealousy, on how to arrange your time so each man is getting what they consider their fair share (which doesn't mean they get the same amount of time, necessarily; it just means they each get an amount of time they consider to be fair to them.)

Maybe it will just take some time for Michael and Jason to get used to essentially sharing you. Or maybe they are both completely monogamous and won't be able to wrap their heads around the situation. Either way, the one big piece of advice I'll give you is COMMUNICATE. You're kind of stumbling into this, from what you're saying, and that means you and your guys may not have completely set ground rules yet. It's good to establish some boundaries and plans, in my opinion, while keeping in mind that they aren't set in stone and can be changed if need be.

To be perfectly honest--and again, this is just my opinion--based on what you say about each man's reaction, I would say this might *not* work. It sounds like each of them is trying to have you to himself, and is hoping eventually that will happen. Of course, I could always be wrong.
 
To be perfectly honest--and again, this is just my opinion--based on what you say about each man's reaction, I would say this might *not* work. It sounds like each of them is trying to have you to himself, and is hoping eventually that will happen. Of course, I could always be wrong.

I am just going into this blind. I know they were even more blindsided than me! So, I don't know if it will work. I am just giving them kudos for even attempting to try this with me. To see if I can be happy with them, and them happy sharing me. I want to communicate, but I don't want to communicate TOO much if it makes the other unhappy. I know people here think it is perfectly normal, and any guy not wanting to share me is obviously not open to who I am or what I need... but, in my world, this is not "normal" and it definitely takes some adjusting and getting used to. Figuring out the ground rules, without talking too much and making someone uncomfortable or unhappy.

Jason told two of his friends today. They told him to run for the hills and that I am obviously crazy, selfish, hypocrite (as I don't want an open relationship and wouldn't want Jason to get a girlfriend)... he told me he was scared. We held each other and agreed to try our best to work through this. We are all going into this blind. I will do my best.
 
. . . I don't want an open relationship and wouldn't want Jason to get a girlfriend . . .

Aah, well, that isn't very nice of you. If you can have two loves, why can't he? Having a partner who is monogamous to you only works if it is their choice, but it should never be a demand or expectation on your part if you have other partner(s). Not playing fair, hon!
 
You are not crazy for wanting to build something honest here.

Keep being honest. About what you want, what you hope to build. These are your preferences, these are the kinds of open models you want to practice, etc.

Each can state their preferences, wants, needs, limits. All can negotiate, and all can decide if they want to participate or not for themselves. If it lines up, great. If not, you all accept that is is not a runner here. Not very person you date will be a runner.

Maybe these could help?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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A lot of people here have "fallen" into polyamory because they found that they were in love with more than one and didn't want to choose. So you are not alone in your confusion! :) Most of us live in a monogamous society so many folks find that they don't even question it until they a.) learn about it or b.) find themselves in a situation like yours - and begin to question "why monogamy?"

Jason told two of his friends today. They told him to run for the hills and that I am obviously crazy, selfish, hypocrite (as I don't want an open relationship and wouldn't want Jason to get a girlfriend)... he told me he was scared. We held each other and agreed to try our best to work through this. We are all going into this blind. I will do my best.

I don't think you are crazy or selfish. You have feelings for two people and want to share yourself with both of them. I understand you are scared - who wouldn't be?

However, I DO think it would be hypocritical to ask your partner to share you if you are not willing to do the same. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Now, if he has no interest in another woman - or man - then it is not an issue. But if he asks "How would you feel if I had another girlfriend?" Then that is a perfectly valid question. How can you ask someone to do something that you are not willing to do yourself?

Having said that - I don't necessarily think that you all should be aiming to add more people to the mix until everything settles (or doesn't) into the new normal. Adding more strain to the situation that is already tense is not a good idea. What about "let's see how this goes for 3 months with the players already in the game...if everything is moving along well then the the boys can start looking for an OSO (Other Significant Other) if they desire"?
 
First, congratulations for trying to be honest. That being said, you are correct in saying you are going into this blind. You are involved with two guys who most likely have no clue what poly or any other form of non monogamy is, and if their thought process is like 95% of the male population, that is not likely to change without a lot of discussion and hard times and bumps. My guess is from what you are saying, they both will get to the point where they have had enough. The links that Gala Girl sent you are surely helpful, but only if they WANT to be helped in trying to understand. There is a big difference in understanding than just tolerating the situation for now.

I don't know why you want to attach a label, poly or any other label to yourself. If you are not attached with a legal document, you could say you are "playing the field" and leave it at that. Millions of people date and are intimate with multiple partners without the label.

You have feeling for both of them, that is great. But you want everything on your terms. Not only do you want them to share you, you do not want to share them with other women. So you are asking for it all. Even if they agree to continue, they stay mono and you have both to yourself.

I am sure you will find someone on here who can give you a success story with that kind one sided arrangement if that is what you want to hear, but I would not bet on your success in accomplishing that on top of convincing them to
share you on an ongoing basis unless THEY both choose to bemono on their own.
 
I am the hinge of a vee between two monogamous men. I do not, however, require them to be monogamous. At the current time, I did ask that neither of them go in search of another partner, as we are in the process of moving my boyfriend in with us, and the strain of adding another person into our poly math would be too stressful. That said, neither of them want to date anyone else, so it's kind of a moot point anyway. Right now, or in the future, they both say I am all they want. If that changes, I guess we will have discussions. :)

You are being terribly selfish and basically telling these guys that you don't trust them to take the same care that you do, in your relationship. They might end up being ok with it, but I dunno. I can't lie and say I am excited about the idea of either of my guys dating someone, but I wouldn't tell them they aren't allowed. They're adults and I trust that they would take my needs into account and who ever they were with wouldn't infringe on those needs. I believe they are capable of balance, just as I am.

I went into my relationship 9 years ago with my husband, believing we would be monogamous together, but when I decided to explore poly, it was with his encouragement. I do not think we would be doing well if he was hoping that I would turn back and only want him. Your situation does not sound ideal at all. Unfortunately, it is what it is, huh? I would not be surprised if one or both of these guys bail on you. This doesn't mean that poly isn't for you, it just means poly isn't for them.
 
I do not consider myself Poly. I happened to fall for a woman who was married and despite wanting to be in an "open relationship" I found myself just wanting to be with her. Now she's not to keen on the thought of me dating anybody else but understands that if I ever wanted to it would be open for discussion.

I guess your guys have to figure out for themselves whether they can deal with sharing you. As for you as a hinge you have to go into it knowing that it is a lot of work on your part. You're trying to satisfy and maintain two completely different people and relationships.
 
...the selfish me...

For all intents and purposes... I still see myself as mono. Fine, I don't have to put a label on it, as obviously, I am not mono. I am in love with two men, and asking them both to have a relationship with me. Am I poly? I guess. Do I relate to the open-mindedness obviously of the poly community, where all is fair in love and war, and good for the goose and all? I don't relate to that. I just don't. I am spinning here. I know I am asking for a monogamous relationship with each. Selfish, yes. Absolutely. It's just in my mind and what I am used to. I don't expect you to understand, guess I am more venting than anything because I am at a loss as to how I got in this situation.

Do I want to share? Well, there is so much back story to my actual story, that landed me here... Especially with Michael, and that I as one woman was too much for him, putting to much pressure on being with him, that I would certainly get upset if all of a sudden, he could handle two. I guess, in a way, I am doing this for him? I want to be with him, but I know that my number one love language is touch... number two time. Those are not his, and was just putting too much pressure on him. I found Jason, to get over Michael. Fell in love and still found myself in love with Michael.

So, if anyone may get another female, I could certainly understand Jason wanting that in the future. He says he does not now, and is not looking. I would have to deal with it when/if it ever happens. Michael doing so? No, I don't see myself ever accepting a situation with him like that... Fine, I am selfish. I am not perfect. Look at me, obviously I am not perfect. My family would totally flip on me if they knew about this! They love Jason... very much dislike Michael. I am hiding my relationship with Michael.

It is what it is. Yes, I am struggling. I am here, hoping to make sense of all of this chaos... mess. But, I have accepted that it is what it is. Will it last? I do not know. Jason says he loves me with everything he is and is in it for the long-haul. Michael, is getting the little time that he had wanted, and just doesn't want to label it anything or think about my other life. Can it work like that? I don't know. I am honest with them both, and they know what is going on. They know where I am when I am not with them. I keep in constant communication with both, even when I am with the other. The rules are only, in my head... to try and contribute to both of their happiness, as much as I possibly can...

Call me selfish, hypocrite, whatever you like... I do not know the rules. I am just a human, trying to get through this one day at a time. One minute at a time.
 
I don't think anyone is calling you selfish or a hypocrite, i think you'd find many people in yor situation would have the same thoughts. What you're working through is not rare. You just have to realize that it's not up to you, it's something your guys have to be willing to do and do in a way that your all agreeable to. You just have a lot of talking to do.
 
I don't think anyone is calling you selfish or a hypocrite, i think you'd find many people in yor situation would have the same thoughts. What you're working through is not rare. You just have to realize that it's not up to you, it's something your guys have to be willing to do and do in a way that your all agreeable to. You just have a lot of talking to do.

Yes, some are calling me selfish... read the threads :). I understand why. I'm not sure I could continue dating Jason if he were dating someone else. I definitely know there is no way I would accept dating Michael if he is with someone else. Yes, that IS selfish. But, like I told Jason... it would be different if he were in love. I am not looking to just date a bunch of guys, but have actually fallen in love with two. He would have to seek out another person to fall in love with. If that is what he wants, then I would prefer to give him room to find the person who is right for him. I am asking a lot and understand it might be too much. I've already told him he has every right to leave if he likes. He knew I was still in love with Michael when we got together, but like I was, he was also expecting me to fall out of love with him. I had already left him once for Michael, I promised him and myself that I would never do that again... so, instead of leaving him, I went this other route...

Michael definitely will not talk about this. I explained the situation, and he listens. At first, he was upset at me for moving on and seeing someone else... then, he wanted me in his life still, so just accepted the situation as fact. He said specifically, that he does not care about Jason or want to hear anything about Jason. I leave it alone.

What do you do when one party doesn't want to talk? Will not communicate about the poly situation? Does that mean it is destined for failure, or, can you live two lives in total isolation of each other?

Jason and I have talked about it, and have agreed that I would prefer not to share the intimate details of what happens with Michael. That he knows I am a very honest, open person, if he asks, then I will tell him. But, we have agreed that he will only ask the questions that he really wants to know the answers to. He is much more open and communicative than Michael... and hence, one of the reasons I fell for him.

They are so opposite. Is that normal in this situation (if there is any such thing)? Do you get two partners who are opposite, to try and piece together a whole?
 
This is going to be long, ok?

I see that you are venting and struggling. :(

You know what? Could stop with the evaluation words -- selfish, hypocrite, etc. To me? That adds to your burden and isn't esp helpful or self respecting to be beating up on yourself. :(

You are all on a learning curve. You will find out what is realistic/unrealistic and reasonable/unreasonable over time as you go along. You don't have to have it ALL figured out to the final detail. That said? You DO have to have SOME talking together to sort yourselves out to be at the "good enough to go" place. Going in totally blind is not helpful or stacking up the odds to peaceful, harmonious polyshipping! :(

If you want to hit Miami, you at least aim for Florida. You can fine tune once there. If you want to hit Miami and head out blindly -- you can't be surprised to end up in California or in the ocean. Because it is not like you were even trying to be aiming for the right area!

C'mon. It's ok. New to you, new to them maybe. But there's nothing new under the sun. You can handle this.

Could focus on the here and now. Right now? In the most handy terms?

  • You have been dating two men -- Jason and Michael.
  • It is currently up for consideration to form a polyship "V" with you as the hinge.
  • Neither is dating anyone else, these are the only people in the potential polymath at this time.
  • The only voices that matter at this time is you three people.

You have a lot of talking to do to assess each person's

1) willingness to go there

2) ability to go there.
  • What intrapersonal and interpersonal skills people have or lack affects their ability to execute. Do they plan to learn/grow missing skills first before taking the journey or along the way? Pros/cons to each approach?
  • What beliefs they have/don't have also affects their ability to execute. How willing are they to review/update beliefs that no longer fit them?

Right now there's a lot of fear/axienty "aaaaahhh!" vibe I'm picking up on your post. Could chill and let that pass first. Then get back to sorting yourselves out when calmer.

Could define and clarify for yourselves. I am going to guess. I could guess wrong. But organizing some of your thoughts might help you see from another angle so here's my stab at it:

WHO is in this polyship?

  • Just 3 forever? Or just 3 to start and stabilize into the "new normal" and consider dating new people later?
  • Who wants to date more people or wants the option later?
  • What's polysaturation point?
  • You are prepared to have dating for Jason, but not Michael. (How does Jason feel about that? Michael? BEFORE they agree to enter this proposed V?)
  • Any threats to the system with WHO participates? Other major changes happening in your lives?

I identify these:

  • You are not a confident hinge at this time. You are still digesting the fact that you thought you were mono, and find you have the capacity to love more than 1

  • Jason is not a confident V-arm person at this time.
  • He says he can do it one minute, because he loves you so dearly and wants to be with you.
  • Then, the next minute he says if you love him, you wouldn't ask and would just be with him.
  • Jason may have to reconsider core beliefs if he's struggling this way already. Also work on some "minder reader" expectations -- you can't know things til you actually ask!

  • Michael is not a confident V-arm person at this time.
  • He just doesn't want to hear about Jason. Wants to pretend he does not exist.
  • Michael hates the thought of knowing where I am (with Jason) when I am not with him. (Michael is also struggling with jealousy and expressing it differently. You might also want to read this jealousy article. While at it, may as well review poly hell. He may view Jason as competion, an intrusion or something else -- demoted, displaced, ec. )

WHAT sort of open model relationship will 3 of you practice?

  • Closed "V" with you as hinged is being proposed by you at this time.
    • They don't have to meet.
    • They don't have to know each other. (and be pals is what I guess you mean?)
    • But, you do want to be honest with them. You do not want to sneak around, or consider yourself cheating on the other.
  • Jason suggests just (you and him) as a relationship model.
  • Michael suggests ___? (nothing in your post I spotted)
  • Any threats to the system with WHAT model is practiced?

WHEN/WHERE will this polyship be practiced?

  • In private?
  • Out only to close friends?
  • Out only to family?
  • Out in the open public?
  • Where you are now but not in hometowns? NOT at work, but outside of work? Something else?
  • Any threats to the system with WHO knows you guys are in a V or WHEN/WHERE you practice polyshipping?

I identify these grey areas:

  • Your family does not like Michael.
  • Your family loves Jason.
  • Your family __?__ at (Jason + [you) + Michael]
  • At least one of your friends is supportive.
  • Jason family is ?
  • Some of Jason's friends are not supportive.
  • Michael's family is ?
    Michael's friends are ?


HOW will you practice it?

  • What are your agreements about safer sex?
  • Holidays?
  • Information management (what is TMI?)
  • Time management (Michael is ok with Jason getting more time than him each week)
  • emotional management (You all sound like you struggle with this one)
  • conflict resolution method will be X, should conflicts arise?

HOW long will you practice it before final assessment if this is experiment is "successful" or not?

  • A year with option to "renew?"
  • With monthly check ins along the way to put out small fires?
  • Something else?
  • What if someone needs to abort mission -- what's the plan for that? Breaking up all the way to singles again? Or something else?

WHY are you coming together? Is this a reason you all can get behind with about equal enthusiasm? Threats to the system over the "why?"
  • Michael doesn't match your love languages. You started seeing Jason to get over Michael. (It sounds like the original intent was to break up with him? This is the reason to polyship? To avoid breaking up with Michael? )
  • Jason loves you, and doesn't get why you don't "love him enough" to not ask him to be dealing with Michael in your life.
  • Michael doesn't like you dating Jason.

Again I've just been guessing. I am not you and I could guess totally wrong in trying to group snippets from your posts into "who, what, when, where, how & why" so the loose thoughts get some kind of order to them. But this is something you could for for yourself to help you think this out and do the SWOT to determine if this is even a runner of not with this group of people.

For yourself. In your own time. I encourage you to do it and consider thoughtfully and not rush. Where's the fire?

Not everyone you date will be a runner. Not every time you feel love for someone do you need to grow it bigger or pursue it. It isn't like you have to grab the one that came by and make do because there might not be more coming.

I mean all that kindly. :eek:

But if "Jason and Michael" are on the table for you right now, you could do your self care first to calm the fear/anxiety. Then you could take your friend's advice:

he suggested I get informed and stop saying I'm not Poly. That regardless of what I am, I am trying to have an honest relationship with two different men.

Get better informed. Keep trying to have honest relationshipping here. And sort it all out. You CAN handle this.

Start from within and work out. Get really honest with yourself. If the main thing with dating Jason was to get OVER Michael -- and that still holds true? Break up with him then. Rather than trying to avoid breaking up with Michael with convoluted polyshipping.

If your honest desire has changed over time to try to be with them in a V -- get on with with THAT process then. Start having the serious talks and educate yourselves so you are NOT doing this so blind and you have a better shot at hitting Miami! :eek:

Hang in there.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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GL... you did read my mind. you got it all right...

struggling, and will take this one minute at a time.

thanks for all the advice!

Since I learned about it, I always thought poly was a way you were born... not something you fall into. I do love Jason and Michael. They will both have me, so I will try to make this work.

None of my family knows. They would not accept it. None of Jason's or Michael's family knows, they would not accept it. Jason asked me to tell the friends whom he's already told that I am leaving Michael. He doesn't want anyone to know. Only two of my closest friends know. We are not planning to tell anyone else. As far as everyone is concerned, Jason's side and to my family and friends... I am only with Jason. For Michael's side... I am only with Michael.

I did want to get over Michael by being with Jason. I love him dearly, but he was looking for a part-time relationship as he has too many other things he is juggling in life right now (non relationship related, ex-wife drama, job drama, kids drama)... that I was just wanting too much of him. We broke up constantly, but could never stay apart for any length of time. The last time, I thought I was strong enough to stay gone for good... and fell for Jason (he and I had dated before, but I left him for Michael... Jason was crushed). A month passed, and Michael reached out to me... wanted to see me. I wanted to see him. It started again... my love sprouted, and I could not resist him. But, I had already fallen for another.

This is my new life :) ... one day at a time.

Thank you sincerely.
 
Glad it was helpful. Do take it one thing at a time. Do not RUSH.

To me polyamory is the desire or capacity to love more than one at a time. Having the desire or capacity doesn't automatically mean one "doing" poly.

You have discovered a new capacity in yourself. You are not yet in a polyship. You are in a process of sorting things out.

What do you do when one party doesn't want to talk? Will not communicate about the poly situation?

This is what I meant about sorting out the "information management" and what might be TMI for each person. Everyone draws a different line for themselves.

The only NEED to knows are health oriented -- sex health hygiene things for instance. Medications you need to be taking your partners prob want to know so you don't end up on their floor on a date in a diabetic coma from lack of your meds for instance. ICE info -- in case of emergency, please contact my _____.

"Want to knows" are bonus, not required.

"Want to tells" are also bonus in another way. If you want to tell, but Michael doesn't want to know and Jason has not asked to be told/know -- how will you handle it? Something to consider.

Does that mean it is destined for failure, or, can you live two lives in total isolation of each other?

Could you be willing to define "failure?" I am not clear. :confused:

Can YOU maintain separate relationship boundaries with these two partners and feel ok in yourself? Only you can answer that. Because you are the one who has to remember Michael prefers X while Jason prefers Y. You are the one considering entering a polyship where it would be (you + Jason) with his family and (You + Michael) with his family.

They are so opposite. Is that normal in this situation (if there is any such thing)? Do you get two partners who are opposite, to try and piece together a whole?

"Your normal" in your polyship is not going to be the same as my normal in mine or anyone else's in theirs. This is all DIY. And as such, there is no "standard normal." :eek:

Your polyship makes its own standard to fly by and hold itself accountable to.

Could you be willing to define "whole?" I am not clear. :confused:

Because if what this naturally wants to be a kind of "separate V thing" then that is what it wants to be. Whole and intact. It is different than a "V where all are emotionally involved together as friends even if not all are sexually involved" -- but it is not less than that or broken somehow just because it is different model "V."

A car is not a van. A van is not a car. Neither is broken or less than whole because they are different vehicles. Both can run fine for the people riding around in them. Both can get to Miami. ;)

Whether or not you go, or go with THESE people in THIS vehicle... that's a whole other thing. They might want to or might not. Or they might try and come to change their minds. So could you. Take it one thing at a time.

Keep sorting.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl is crazy smart. :) Listen to her! :)

Since I learned about it, I always thought poly was a way you were born... not something you fall into.

Never in a million years would I say I was born poly. I didn't even know it was an option until last year. But yep, I DO have the capacity to love more than one person at a time. It was a very revolutionary and different idea when I discovered that yes, I was this label.

However, that label can be expressed in many different ways. My poly isn't the same as someone else's poly.

None of my family knows. They would not accept it. None of Jason's or Michael's family knows, they would not accept it. Jason asked me to tell the friends whom he's already told that I am leaving Michael. He doesn't want anyone to know. Only two of my closest friends know. We are not planning to tell anyone else. As far as everyone is concerned, Jason's side and to my family and friends... I am only with Jason. For Michael's side... I am only with Michael.

Again, my poly isn't the only way to do things. However, I would have a really hard time keeping up that sort of dual life. I have in the past, but no more. We are all out to everyone. Our families don't accept it - they aren't happy with us. The way I live my life though, is that they can judge me whichever they want, but they don't get to pass judgement. My lifestyle works for me and I do not ask for permission.

Certainly, many poly people are not out to family and friends and it works for them. I just know it didn't work for me. You have to figure out if it works for you.
 
For all intents and purposes... I still see myself as mono. Fine, I don't have to put a label on it, as obviously, I am not mono. I am in love with two men, and asking them both to have a relationship with me. Am I poly? I guess. Do I relate to the open-mindedness obviously of the poly community, where all is fair in love and war, and good for the goose and all? I don't relate to that. I just don't.

I had a conversation with a metamour at one point and he was of the opinion that how we feel about what our partners do (regarding their other relationships) has more to do with "are we poly" than what we personally want to do. The idea "poly friendly" comes up frequently when discussing a mono dating a poly person; the mono person can be fine in their one-at-a-time loving philosophy but they need to embrace their partners poly views in order for it to work.

I'm starting to think that that he was correct. Love is not a scarce resource, therefor humans (who don't have a chemical imbalance making it impossible) can have romantic love for more than one person at a time; that's not up for debate as far as I'm concerned. SO the more clearly distinguishing characteristic between a mono and poly person is not how many people they are in love with, but whether or not they can embrace their partner loving other people... are they poly friendly?

I know I am asking for a monogamous relationship with each. Selfish, yes. Absolutely. It's just in my mind and what I am used to. I don't expect you to understand

It is clearly hypocritical to insist upon a double standard like the one you have suggested; but you know that. So the next step is to determine if this is where you want to be.

You seem to resign yourself to "it's just what I'm used to". This is a statement of surrender, as if you have no control over the direction of your thought process. Do you believe that you can't change? Considering this huge change you have recently found yourself making... does it seem likely that there are other aspects of your worldview which you can change if you put your mind to it?

Especially with Michael, and that I as one woman was too much for him, putting to much pressure on being with him, that I would certainly get upset if all of a sudden, he could handle two.

Whether you stay with one or both of these fellows, decide to be poly or mono, or whatever, I suggest you take a good look at the kind of relationships you are building with this kind of thinking. This statement has nothing to do with mono or poly, this is just an unhealthy way to look at relating to another human being.

Essentially, this is harboring a resentment because of a past action and then using it as ammunition in a current situation. I'm guessing that he told you to back down because he felt smothered (just a shot in the dark), it hurt your feelings, and now you are holding it over him in a current development which is IN NO WAY RELATED to that past event.

I'm sure GalaGirl can give you a wonderful psychological description of this approach to dealing with disagreement, but I just call it "a great way to torpedo a relationship".

What I'm saying is, poly and these two men are not the issue... you are helping to create unhealthy relationships and stand to gain a great deal if you take a look at that.

I guess, in a way, I am doing this for him?

You are decidedly not doing any of this for him.
 
I'm starting to think that that he was correct. Love is not a scarce resource, therefor humans (who don't have a chemical imbalance making it impossible) can have romantic love for more than one person at a time; that's not up for debate as far as I'm concerned. SO the more clearly distinguishing characteristic between a mono and poly person is not how many people they are in love with, but whether or not they can embrace their partner loving other people... are they poly friendly?

Hi Marcus, I appreciate your perspective. However, I would say, this is all very individual. Some people, and I have met many, do not have the capacity for multiple love. In a way, I have always considered myself open-minded, and so I knew that I would have this capacity, but never thought I would have the desire. I have always been a multi-dater. Since I've been single, when in an attempt to find a great partner, I have been of the mind that I could date more than one guy at a time, and get to know more than one person at a time. There are people, however, who do not have this desire, do not have this mindset or perspective. Love is not a scarce resource, but the kinds of love that one can give, to some, may be. I am not a person who ever wishes or believes that my perspective is the only one that exists, and that what I believe is right, while others' are wrong. As for poly friendly... that is my problem. I know it. I do find myself in this dilemma, as I am poly friendly when it comes to being open-minded an understanding, but this has been thrown into my own world and has been difficult to digest. I know I am still struggling with the notion of being poly friendly as it relates to myself. So, I guess, ultimately, if one has to decide if they are, or if they are not... then I am not. I know. The irony. It is sad, and one of my struggles.


It is clearly hypocritical to insist upon a double standard like the one you have suggested; but you know that. So the next step is to determine if this is where you want to be.

I have not denied the hypocrisy of my desires. But, it is who I am and how I feel. It makes my stomach turn the thought of Michael with another woman. I cannot do that at all... and had it not been for our circumstance, I would truly myself, not be with another man. So, fine, a hypocrite I am. I have to accept that. I do not have the "poly" mindset. I am not into any type of "Open Love" or anything like that. I am open-minded, or at least try to be, but I ask something of Jason that I could not do myself. He did not have to accept it. I cannot let Michael go. I am not ready to. Yet, I know, that I cannot make him happy with the demands I have either, so I have to compromise with myself. I have to take myself outside of my comfort zone. Jason is working through this, and is a little "different" as well in his views of relationship and partnership (I cannot get into it). So, I know he will accept the situation. If he does not. Then, I will understand that and it is his choice.

You seem to resign yourself to "it's just what I'm used to". This is a statement of surrender, as if you have no control over the direction of your thought process. Do you believe that you can't change? Considering this huge change you have recently found yourself making... does it seem likely that there are other aspects of your worldview which you can change if you put your mind to it?

"can" and "want" are two different things. I don't want to live a lifestyle where my partners have partners, and their partners, have partners. This is not me. Sorry if that makes me an outcast on these boards. It is just not me. I could see myself in a Closed V Triad (I guess that is what you call it)... where me and two other people (MFF or MFM) are in a committed relationship. But, not where it is open. I have no interest in that whatsoever.


Essentially, this is harboring a resentment because of a past action and then using it as ammunition in a current situation. I'm guessing that he told you to back down because he felt smothered (just a shot in the dark), it hurt your feelings, and now you are holding it over him in a current development which is IN NO WAY RELATED to that past event.

Marcus, here is where you have gotten it totally wrong and confused. No, Michael did not feel smothered. That was not the issue in our relationship. The issue was that I wanted to do things as a family, have our families together (his kids, my kids), do vacations together and be included when he went to family functions. I wanted to be part of his life, and not something that was more left like it was on the side. It is totally different than what you've described, and another story altogether.

I am not holding anything over him. I love him, and am trying to find a way that will make it so we both get what we want... to be together. But, we can both be happy while we do it... me having a "Family" and him having space to not necessarily have to intertwine me in places where he is not comfortable.

It is difficult to understand without all of the details... but just know, I do not believe I am creating unhealthy relationships. My family does not like Michael for a reason... I love Michael for many reasons. Jason is the ideal of what my family thinks a man, who is committed should be. Jason is the type of guy, that I would have totally fallen for, mono, had I not met and fallen head over heels for Michael first.

Michael and I are in the same boat. We both deeply love one another, but we know, he cannot fully satisfy what I am looking for in a relationship. It puts too much stress and pressure on him to try and do so. Because of this, we even joked one time that I should get another partner who can meet that need. That was two years ago. I never in a million years thought I would actually do it.
 
I have not denied the hypocrisy of my desires. But, it is who I am and how I feel.

Then embrace your limitations and move on, I guess.

Marcus, here is where you have gotten it totally wrong and confused.

The whole story is pretty confusing to me so I commented on what I imagined was happening. It makes even less sense to me now. It's pretty unlikely that any of my views or experiences are likely to help in this sort of situation so I'm going to butt out.
 
Then embrace your limitations and move on, I guess.

Agreed, and I have.


The whole story is pretty confusing to me so I commented on what I imagined was happening. It makes even less sense to me now. It's pretty unlikely that any of my views or experiences are likely to help in this sort of situation so I'm going to butt out.

This might be helpful... not sure it will help you relate to the story and further... but, might be helpful context.

Michael is Chinese (only male child) and I am a black female. Michael's family does not accept me, and he does not want to be disowned from his family. We cannot have a family together, without the stress of him never being with his own family again. So, it has caused severe stress in our relationship, and requires us to do things separately than that of a true couple.

This has been an incredibly difficult situation for both of us. My family simply labels it "racist" and tells me I should not love him because of his racist family. His family wants absolutely nothing to do with me. We have fallen in love despite all of those odds...
 
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