Dealing With Suspicion

Nerdpower13

New member
Okay so my wife and I have been together for 2 years. During that time she has cheated on me twice before we opened our relationship, both times with close friends of mine. So I have a very hard time trusting her. It doesn't help that she has also tried to hide a guy she was seeing from me even after we opened our relationship. So recently she has been acting suspicious again. The only way I can ever get her to confess anything is to have proof. So I did something wrong. I logged onto her Facebook and went into her messages. But I once again found my suspicions to be correct. She was talking about sleeping with another of my friends behind my back. I confronted her and she said she hasn't done anything and she was just talking about it. But I don't know if I can trust her. She has given me every reason to distrust her in the past. Plus there are two condoms missing from our drawer. I was basically told that I have this week to decide if I can trust her or not and if I can't trust her then we can't be together. I want to trust her. I love her and want to be with her. But I can't trust her when she keeps lying over and over again.
 
I`m sorry about your situation. My limit is...3-strikes, you`re out (Mets fan :D). I wish you luck.

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Edit: Just so it doesn`t sound arbitrary or douchey...the reason for my limit is this --- the first time around, I will communicate to whomever it is that I feel what they did is wrong and why. The second time around, I will tell them that the next time that happens it will put an end to our relationship. And, the third time, I will break off contact.

But, when it comes to cheating...the house would probably come crashing down the first time around. And, the reason for that is because I have put a tremendous amount of work into not being a cheater. I think a lot of the behavior from people around me encourage cheating (women are typically interested in me most when I have a partner, partners who will "test" me by being bitchy, people who are non-monogamous in practice yet will never agree to consensual non-monogamy, etc.), yet I made the conscious decision not to. I have been lonely, I have let people I had strong feelings for go, because I did not want to be a cheater.

So...everyone who`s in a relationship with me will know how much of a deal-breaker it is from the bat. To use another baseball jargon. ;)
 
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Trust

... I can't trust her when she keeps lying over and over again.

No, you can't (or, at least, I don't think I could)

It's not that people can't change - we probably all change a little every day - but an intention to change is not the same as having accomplished that change. If you have seen a pattern of behavior in the past and no indication, other than her words, that her behavior has changed, then I would at least be skeptical. Trust, once broken, takes time and establishing a new pattern of actual changed behavior to heal, IMHO.
 
So in the 2 years you've been together she's cheated on you TWICE, AND tried to hide a guy she was seeing once your relationship was open? To me, not only does she struggle with the concept of honesty, but there's NO way she's put in enough time to rebuild trust after breaking it that many times in that short a period and is in no position to dictate how long YOU have to decide if you can trust her again. Actions have consequences, and if she can't deal with the consequences of her actions in these cases that's her problem, not yours. It's up to HER to give you ample evidence that she can be trustworthy, and if she hasn't at this point that's on her, not you. If she had cheated, say, 5 years ago but everything had been fine since then and you were still mistrustful, I could sympathize with her giving you that ultimatum, but at this point I don't feel she has a leg to stand on. It may be that she actually wants out of the relationship but is manipulating the situation to make it seem like it's your decision to break-up and put the guilt of that on you while being able to play the "victim". But that's my own experience and bias talking and hopefully doesn't apply to your situation at all.
 
So, you have proof that she was taking the first steps in cheating on you yet again and rather than be apologetic or remorseful she gives YOU an ultimatum? No. It sucks to think about tossing out two years together, but that is ridiculous.
 
I love her and want to be with her.

One of the things I've learned about life is that loving someone doesn't mean they're good for you or good to be in a relationship with.
 
Why did she give you a week? is it 5 days or 7?

Is this her typical response or tactic when caught or embarrassed to become aggressive?

Why does she have to keep doing this with your friends? What kind of friends do you have that would trade that for romp in the rack. Are any of these guys married and in open relationships?

I think you need a new (different ) wife/ partner and a better class of friends. It looks from the outside that you're being played as the chump...and she clearly doesn't understand that everything she's done and CONTINUES to do makes trust difficult. Its earned ....NOT given.
 
The first time she cheated on me was right after we got together and she then talked me into being in a V with the guy she slept with. But then he broke up with her and ditched us both for some married chick. The second time we were doing a trial separation because she was at the end of her rope because I had no job or anything and the only reason my friend did it was because she was crying and sobbing and begging him to do it and he felt bad. I'm still friends with him.
 
The second time we were doing a trial separation because she was at the end of her rope because I had no job or anything

So she wants to separate when you don't have a job. Seems to me that she's not only untrustworthy, but that she also finds it easy to bale when things get tough.
 
No, you can't trust her. You know this though.
2 years is nothing to walk away from compared to if you put up with this for another decade or so before you start respecting yourself enough to leave.
 
There's also the fact that if I leave the only place I have to go is back to my mom's house 30 minutes from anywhere with no car, no phone, no internet, and no contact with the outside world except my mom and the TV. And I am scared of being alone. We have been together for 2 years and we have lived together for most of that time and have very rarely spent a night apart. I can barely sleep without her there beside me and when I do sleep I toss and turn and have nightmares. I don't want to be alone again. I was alone for almost 21 years and then I went straight into spending every night with someone beside me.
 
IMO, right now, your situation is worse than being alone. You're with someone who is emotionally destroying you. She doesn't seem interested in repairing the trust that her CHEATING has damaged.

Get out. It's scary now but years trapped with someone like this is much worse.
 
Why do you have to go back to your mom's? You have a job now? Can't you keep your job and get a room in an apartment with roommates?

This is time to work on yourself, your own self esteem. Living with a lying cheating bitch just because you don't want to sleep alone is pretty sad. You'll find someone better when you learn to love yourself.

She's playing you. You're worth more than that.
 
Have you confronted the latest so-called friend about this? It doesn't sound like you and your wife communicate very well.

There is a serious lack of maturity in this situation. Don't hang onto someone who mistreats you out of fear of being alone. You won't be alone forever, and it could be just what you need to learn how to stand up for yourself. Surely, you know someone who has a couch you can crash on.
 
Been in that kinda situation myself. Feels much better once you free yourself from it. As others mentioned too, why can't you rent a flat [appartment] to live in? Especially with other people to share the bills with you.

and this is one of few situations I have to say, there is really no chance that relationship is going to work. Even after opening up a realtionship, she still can't be open herself? She's the kinda person who convinces herself that she's always right by blaming everyone around her for whatever happens to be going wrong at the time... going as far as telling YOU that if YOU can't fix HER problem, within as little as a week, it's over between you both.

I can imagine that once that does happen, because of course you can't fix who she is in a week, she will see it as a victory for herself and continue being the same person she is to everyone else.

Get out of there. Have some you time. Don't look for a relationship for the sake of it. Someone will find you when you least expect it. I promise that.

Then once you find them, make sure you get to know them enough to check for cases of severe crazy before you decide on a relationship with them. :p
 
So sorry

It's a pig when you feel in love but that doesn't make you feel good about yourself. The mind has a way of playing such tricks when we are feeling insecure.
Can you truly say that this person is thinking of your needs and if not then why don't you think that you deserve someone who is able to give you the consideration you have tried to show?
Who knows why people cheat. In an open relationship there are not the usual risks to being honest, loss, endings. So maybe she has something going on that is about the thrill of a hidden liaison. And if that's the case how can she maintain that thrill without repeated deceit? How can you accept that and would you want to?
Maybe sit and think about what you want from a relationship and try to be objective about that outside of all other considerations. Be selfish for a moment. Tell yourself you deserve to be happy and be treated with respect and consideration. See what you learn and then compare to what you have.
(as to your mate... hmmm. You maybe have low expectations of friends and partners. Why is that?)
 
I can't get an apartment because I have no job. I only make around $200 a month donating plasma which is nowhere near enough for rent anywhere. None of my friends have couches I can crash on because they all live with their parents while they are in school or they have moved away. I did confront the friend and he said he didn't know anything and my wife claims he didn't know anything either. But her best friend who is also one of my close friends said my wife has been acting really sketchy lately.
 
Moving back in with your mom while you pick up the peices of your life might not be such a bad thing. As I see it it's better than living with someone who you can't trust. If you move back in with your mom you'll have some time to find a job and then work on getting roomates and moving out again on your own terms. As scary as it is giving up something you know for the unknown change is rarely as bad as you think it's going to be going in.

You teach people how to treat you. At the moment you're letting your wife know that she can do whatever she wants and walk all over you and that there will be no consequences for her actions. If you want to be treated well you have to be willing to stand your ground on things that matter to you. Even if the relationshipt between you and your wife isn't salvegable at this point with any luck taking a stand with her will let you know that the world won't come crashing down if you have to end a relationship and it may help her to become more compassionate to the feelings of others.

It sounds to me like this is your first romantic relationship. I can tell you the honest truth that very few people have successful first relationships. Although those first relationships do teach us a lot about ourselves and our requirements in a partner. (I've seen the same kind of trend in first poly relationships too).
 
The problem with moving in with my mom is I will be cut off from the outside world. She lives in the middle of nowhere with no internet and no cell service. I won't have a car or anything so I really won't have a way TO apply for jobs or talk to any of my friends or anything. Also I will constantly have to deal with my drunk mother and her drunk crackhead boyfriend and the endless parade of drunk guys she fucks.
 
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Fear is always worse than the fact. You seem in a very bad place right now in your life. A place where you feel that you are reliant on others and have no choices and those others are letting you down. In no way are the decisions you have to take going to be easy ones but first, and before everything, you need to find a way to value yourself and realise that you are worth more than you are accepting. In all things.
Have you considered agencies who may offer support with an employment search? Employment which is residential. Voluntary work which is residential and would simply give you space and time to learn your own worth?
Only you can change your situation. And you can, one thing, one day at a time. Sometimes, just taking one day at a time is enough. Try not to look too far ahead until you have a stronger foundation.
 
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