Peace and joy and love

Yes, I'm actually posting.

So where to start and what to say? The emotional roller coaster has slowed. I'm sleeping and eating and breathing again. This whole poly thing is such an unusual journey. Just when you think you know how to do it something will come out of nowhere and completely change things for you.

Our tribe is going through some rather dramatic changes. I'm still not sure where things will end up. I went out for coffee with Mono one on one yesterday (for what I think was the first time ever). Part of what we talked about is how everything seems to be changing all at once, and not even just for us. Change is just in the air. Change is hard and painful at times but the thing is that it usually ends up working out in a strange way.

I'm still referring to our tribe as our tribe because all of them are hugely important to me. It's going to be a struggle to define a friendship with RP. I'm not sure where the line is of what to share and what to keep to myself. The last thing I want to do is to be the cause of any more pain for her. She's going through plenty as it is. It's going to take time to define what the new normal is. I've also never really attempted a friendship with a former lover. But then again I haven't had a relationship end where there isn't a lot of anger involved.

I'm still really unsure about posting anything about my dating life. Hopefully at some point that will get more comfortable for me. Although it's not like I post here on any kind of regular basis! (I apologize to all my fans :D).

Derby season is on again. Moving my body quiets my mind which some days is a very good thing. I keep telling myself that eventually all this confusion will make sense. It's not like my life hasn't been dramatically changed before. I have the knowledge that I can survive whatever poly throws at me. Even if one day I am alone, I am just fine with being just me. I'm pretty awesome company even for myself.
 
I had a really good day yesterday. I woke up this morning with no angst at all. It seems like it's been a long time since I've been feeling calm and content. I know that it hasn't really been that long but it is amazing how much time seems to slow when things are in flux. I don't know how long the feeling of contentment will last. I'm going to enjoy it for today though.
 
So I thought things were settling down. The weekend before last was truly wonderful. I had a really good time and felt normal for the first time in weeks. So much for that lasting. I'm not sure what the life lesson is here but if it's life's hard and it's not fair, I got the memo, you don't have to teach me that anymore.

Mostly at the moment I'm processing some hurt feelings. I do know it's not the end of the world or anything. And I will live and it will all be OK, but that doesn't atop my heart from hurting. I'm so much more emotional than I'd like to admit. I wish I could just shut it all off for a while and just feel calm. I know the calm is coming again bit I'm not sure when.

I'm also feeling very fortunate that my office is pretty much deserted today as I'm having a hell of a time holding it together. Tonight calls for cuddles and a good sleep I think. Last time I felt like this I was pushing my husband to get a posting somewhere else so I could run away from my life. So this time is better. I'm not looking to run away. I'm trusting that in time things will make sense. Maybe not in any kind of way I can see from right here and right now, bit they will make sense.
 
Faith.

It sounds like you're saying all the right things to yourself in a difficult time; that things will work out, and make sense soon. That kind of perspective will see you through anything, as will good sleep, good food, cuddles.... I'm a fan of hot baths, good books and multiple cups of tea when life is smacking me in the face with emotional trouts. Keep on keepin' on Derby, you got this.
 
It's been another good weekend. I had feared that it would be a month again before I felt solid within myself. It seems that I've gone from feeling like I'm drowning when emotional stuff around breaking up with RP comes up to feeling like I'm losing my footing climbing a gravel covered hill. There are still times that are hard for sure but I'm better able to regain my footing and keep going. There is a lot of good positive things in my life. Change isn't easy but that doesn't mean it's bad.

One day I might actually be able to properly describe the emotional stuff inside me. I haven't found the right words yet. I don't have to have the words to be able to work it out though.
 
Summer is here. Our new trailer is decked out and ready to go. We have a couple of camping trips planned this summer. I'm really looking forward to summer. At the moment life is good and I am happy. I'm appreciating the sunshine and the happy. Living life for today. Whatever tomorrow brings is for future Derby to worry about.
 
So I'm going to try this again. My computer decided to close down the internet last night as I was mid-post. Grrrrr. I'm working on being comfortable in posting here again. My world has been pretty shaken up these past couple of months. I feel like I may be finding my new normal now. There's still a lot of confusing bits to work out. I'm not completely sure how to relate to RP as a friend. I find that when we do get together and chat in person that everything is OK and I can just be me and it isn't weird at all. And then I go home and I start over thinking it. For the most part I only chat with friends once or twice a week. Is that what I should be doing here or should there be more? I have ntoo idea.

The other thing I'm finding it incredibly hard to say anything about here is my new relationship. I don't know that it happens often that you get taken off guard with feelings for a metamour. I did try to talk myself out of it for a long time. I knew there would be change. Change isn't easy and it can be really scary. Right now though I am happy. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring at this point. I have no control over tomorrow, no one does.

I'm beginning to understand what it means to be less attached to outcomes. It has nothing to do with not being attached to people. It's about not trying to fit people into a specific place in your life. It's about enjoying people in how you're relating to them in the moment. If we stopped putting definitions on the type of relationship we have with people we would probably be happier. There are unspoken internal definitions that come with expectations around words like "friend" "partner" "lover" "spouse" ect. Then come all the shoulds that come along with those internal definitions.
 
This isn't a poly post at all today. I've been seeing women write on here and on facebook about feeling less attractive as they age. I was watching a video of me yesterday at 19(ish) and I am so much more attractive than I was then. I feel that as I am aging that I am really coming into myself and that I improve with age. You know, this is something I'm completely OK with. In a couple of years I will be 40. My 30's have been really good to me. I've learned a lot about who I am and that I can do anything that I set my mind to. I anticipate my 40's being a really good decade too.
 
A friend of mine died unexpectedly yesterday. Although I have only met her a handful of times in person her passing has left a hollow place in my heart. She was someone who was so full of positivity that it was infectious. I'm having a hard time actually believing that she is gone and that I won't be seeing her at poly camp in a couple of weeks. She will be missed. My heart goes out to her family and friends. It's so hard to make sense of a bright life like hers cut short.

Life is unpredictable. It's becoming increasingly clear to me how important it is to really live every day. Do something that makes you feel alive every day. Let those you love know that you love them. Right now is all we have promised to us, we should make the most of it.

On a more positive note these days I'm in a really good place. My life is full of all kinds of happy. I feel very fortunate to be me and to be living the life that I am living. I think a while ago I had talked about finding a new normal, I think I've found that now.
 
Just wanted to pass along a "you rock derby".. :).. glad you have found a new normal..

Sorry about your friend.. I read about it. I have never met her but I have seen her online I believe.. my condolences.
 
Thank you Ari. You rock too. It's so nice to see you back on the forum. It was also great seeing you in person last month. I'll see you again soon I hope.
 
So it's my birthday today. I'm entering a new year of my life in a good place. I'm excited to see what the next year of my life will bring for me. The past year has taught me that anything you're going through, either good or bad, is temporary. Enjoy every moment of the good things and breathe through the bad things. However dark things may seem there is always light just around the corner.

Right now, today, I am happy. I'm enjoying it and planning on not worrying too much about what the future might hold for me. I have never ended up in a worse place than where I started out when change happens. Life would be dull if there were never any changes. (Sometimes though it can feel like life is attacking you all at once when change happens).
 
I read something yesterday that said that some years are years for questions and that other years are years for answers. Looking back over this year I think it has been a year of answers for me. I made a decision after my car accident last December that I was going to chose to really live and not just go through the motions.

As a result I am happier, healthier and more myself. The year hasn't been without it's bumps along the way but it hasn't come with regrets. One of the biggest learned is that there are no guarantees in this life, so when things are good drink it all in and when things aren't so good breathe through it and know that times will get better again.

One of the biggest things I'm choosing to work on now is to not hold things in when something has hurt me. It is better to say something to avoid resentments building. In the past I have just let it go to avoid making waves because I know I'll get over the particular incident. The thing is that if you don't talk about it it's likely to happen again and then all the little incidents that you think you were over build up and all come out at once.

The next thing to work on will be my comfort level with posting specifics about myself and my relationships here again. I have felt the need to cocoon myself over the past few months. It's felt way to vulnerable to expose any kind of feelings to anyone other than those nearest to me. I'm feeling a lot less raw now and maybe one day soon will be ready to post more.
 
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