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Old 08-17-2012, 04:05 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 978

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Originally Posted by Spooky
At the same time, I find it hard to imagine being interested in someone, but not that interested, and having them as a secondary.
That may well be how some folks think about secondaries but I don't. For a lot of poly folk, the definition of secondary is someone you don't live with and share day-to-day life decisions with. it has nothing to do with how interested you are in the person, how much you love them or anything like that. It just means that for whatever reason, whether it's the wishes of the parties involved, or the logistics of the situation, living together and sharing finances, etc. isn't something that is desired. Yes, it's a different type of relationship than the standard monogamous "get married, settle down and have kids" model.
I think this is one of the things I really struggle with, too. Yes, it's different...but what is it?

I'm 9 months into this, and I still struggle to wrap my mind around what a secondary relationship is, exactly. I realize it will probably be different for everyone, but I'd love to hear from those more experienced how you define your secondary relationship, what your commitments and expectations and hopes are, how does the 'love' compare...or anything else.

For me, right now, for instance, BF talks about being committed to me. What does that mean when we're never going to move in together, never going to mingle finances? To him, it means he's given up swinging and given up time with his 'community' friends to spend that time with me. He says he'd be there if I were in the hospital.

I've wondered if he's really committed to me, my whole life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, or if he's only committed to having a fun time going out on dates, which, let's face it, is not real life. Recently, when I opened up enough to tell him just how much is going on in my day to day life, he came over and helped me out with some of it. It showed me a little more of what I mean to him and who he really is...but I still struggle with the question spooky is asking, finding it hard to understand.

It's not that I desperately feel the need to slap a label on my relationships, it's just that...
While I see where labels can be a problem, for me, I think they also help us define, understand, know what to expect, and so on. And this, for me, is the problem with being in such a new situation: I have no idea what it is I can or should reasonably expect. I feel like I'm walking in the dark and not even sure where it is I should be going or want to go, because I have no idea what's out there.
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