Why do single people become poly?

You want housework/child care exchange with your h's gf too? She has no obligation to watch your kid or your pets or anything else. Some partners do share household care. My current bf happens to enjoy helping me and miss pixi around the house, lifting heavy things like a man. But I've had plenty of previous lovers who had no interest in that at all. I don't think you can put that expectation on your h's gf. Maybe you'll find a bf or gf who will help you with childcare and household maintenance someday. That could be on YOUR wish list, but it's not something your h's gf is required to do for YOU! I sure don't expect my bf Ginger's current wife, or 2 others to do anything around MY house! lol

Bofish,

I don't think you're a "bad" wife, but I agree with Magdlyn, the things you're asking are unrealistic. Speaking for myself, if I had secondary status with my boyfriend, and his wife asked me to do things for HER? Now, I happen to do those things, bring her soup, help with household chores, take care of the kids. But when I watch the kids, it's because I consider them my family as well, and I want that opportunity to develop a relationship with them. I have a primary style relationship with my partner (and thus I do have a relationship with the wife). I am a part of their household, though I will never live there. He takes both our schedules into consideration. He does everything he can to ensure I have what I need.

Are you willing to do for your husband's gf what she and he are willing to do for me?
 
I'm not sure I was clear, I'm not expecting her to do those things. I was saying that at least an acknowledgement that I do them -- for both of them- - would be empathetic. Polyin practice - I think there's a huge difference between asking someone to babysit and wishing someone who send you an email saying 'Hey thanks for leaving with the kid for 2 days so we can have the house...let me buy you a drink?"

I sound like a whinny victim! Yea - I would totally be willing to eli her and have many times (listed below). This isn't really about her. It's about ME learning not to think too much about what is right for others and ask for what I need.

I'm in a weird position. Since, I tend to be an overly conscious person, I often out her feeling into the mix - I take my son out of town (in part) so they can spend more time together. I offered to delay a trip so he could help her move. I tell him to go visit her when she's sick. But what I'm not experiencing is reciprocal or doesn't feel that way. So, I've just decided to forget about all that and just put myself first, which I think is healthy and reasonable.

I think separate is fine. But that means that th3e person involved with both of us is the one who needs to consider our needs. I shouldn't even be aware of what her needs are - let alone try to meet them, right?
 
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It's your husband who needs to ensure his parenting, marriage and household responsibilities are maintained before he starts meeting other obligations. He has nurtured this level of expectation with her. This is his fault.

What I would do now, if I were him is work extra hard at home so one sleepover a week isn't unreasonable. Also be flexible with the day as you suggested.
 
I'm just going in circles because i'm bored and it's cold!

The primary issue was that he was gone every week for 24 hours. Every week I felt angry and resentful. It was hard for me, but I made the boundary that I wanted him to spend the nights there that would fit into our work schedule.

This took a lot of bravery for me, and I'm proud of it. In the posts here there is often a lot a pressure to be sensitive to the secondary. I understand that this might be because "primaries" are considered having more power or say... I understand that... but an "fair" relationship between 3 people to me would be three people considering the needs of, well, three people. I am just not seeing that. For example, the few times she has asked us to go out, she's done it with very short notice and through my husband with no regard for my plans...like a dumb ass, I went because my husband put pressure on me, but that's totally against my boundaries. It's very important to me that people honor my schedule.

I don't think what I'm doing is anything but healthy.
 
but an "fair" relationship between 3 people to me would be three people considering the needs of, well, three people. .

But you're not in a triad. Your h has a gf. She is not your lover, or even your close friend, just a metamour. If you feel like you're acting like a doormat to make it easier for your h and her to get together, STOP. Never mind you think she's a fancy free single. Your h isn't. He is a husband and a dad. You can have expectations of him to do XYZ around the house before he goes to play with his friend.

Also, you could hire household help or a babysitter. You say your son is too old for a sitter but too young to be left alone? Hogwash. If he's too old to be left alone, he needs a sitter.
 
But supposing, due to her being childfree and outgoing, she routinely makes her own plans at short notice? She can't invite you to something in June if she doesn't know she's going. If she invites you both at short notice, decline. He should only accept if it tallies with his scheduled time with her. She will adapt to maximize her time with him. But he has to handle his shit.
 
But supposing, due to her being childfree and outgoing, she routinely makes her own plans at short notice? She can't invite you to something in June if she doesn't know she's going. If she invites you both at short notice, decline. He should only accept if it tallies with his scheduled time with her. She will adapt to maximize her time with him. But he has to handle his shit.

I normally give short notice; I have to, due to my schedules. If I do not have a close friendship with my metamour, I don't take her or his schedule into consideration at all, nor do I feel that makes me a bad person. I expect my partner to be taking her schedule into consideration. If he doesn't, that's on him and her to work on their relationship.
 
I'm not sure I was clear, I'm not expecting her to do those things. I was saying that at least an acknowledgement that I do them -- for both of them- - would be empathetic. Polyin practice - I think there's a huge difference between asking someone to babysit and wishing someone who send you an email saying 'Hey thanks for leaving with the kid for 2 days so we can have the house...let me buy you a drink?"

I sound like a whinny victim! Yea - I would totally be willing to eli her and have many times (listed below). This isn't really about her. It's about ME learning not to think too much about what is right for others and ask for what I need.

I'm in a weird position. Since, I tend to be an overly conscious person, I often out her feeling into the mix - I take my son out of town (in part) so they can spend more time together. I offered to delay a trip so he could help her move. I tell him to go visit her when she's sick. But what I'm not experiencing is reciprocal or doesn't feel that way. So, I've just decided to forget about all that and just put myself first, which I think is healthy and reasonable.

I think separate is fine. But that means that th3e person involved with both of us is the one who needs to consider our needs. I shouldn't even be aware of what her needs are - let alone try to meet them, right?

An acknowledgement would be empathetic, but not necessary. I like what you said about it being about YOU not thinking too much about her; you really don't have to. He does, as the "person who is involved with all three of you."

Trust me, I get it. I would make time and effort for my metamour, with no reciprocation. I got mad. But my partner reminded me that, hey, if she isn't nice or considerate to you, that's her right (he didn't like it, either, but he took care of it on his end). He encouraged me to get less emotionally involved with her; it was hard, but I'm getting better at it. I really hope you're able to do the same for yourself! :)
 
I totally agree with all of you. And I do plan to stop. It's my issue. I have been conditioned to put others before myself. And my husband really is not the best go between. I think my husband might be pushing us in a triad, which we don't want....there might be the difficulty. If I say, well, can you clean up and leave us dinner before you spend the night there...he hems and haws and says "She feels like a booty call" or "she wants more time."

What I'm hearing from you guys is that it's a problem in my marriage. It's also a problem with me getting up in her business, right? I guess you're saying she's blameless and if he tells me, she wants me over earlier, I need to say, that's not my problem and I don't want to hear it.
 
I totally agree with all of you. And I do plan to stop. It's my issue. I have been conditioned to put others before myself. And my husband really is not the best go between. I think my husband might be pushing us in a triad, which we don't want....there might be the difficulty. If I say, well, can you clean up and leave us dinner before you spend the night there...he hems and haws and says "She feels like a booty call" or "she wants more time."

What I'm hearing from you guys is that it's a problem in my marriage. It's also a problem with me getting up in her business, right? I guess you're saying she's blameless and if he tells me, she wants me over earlier, I need to say, that's not my problem and I don't want to hear it.

If I'm her, and I want more time, I would talk with him about it and expect him to take care of talking to you himself. Blameless? I don't know, but it's irrelevant here.

I'm sure I said something recently, but this is why I won't get into any other relationships with a partner whose significant other won't meet or talk with me. It gets absurdly complicated for me to go through my partner as a middle man. I don't need her to want to be my BFF or even get in bed with me. But I do need minimal respect and communication.
 
I totally agree with all of you. And I do plan to stop. It's my issue. I have been conditioned to put others before myself. And my husband really is not the best go between. I think my husband might be pushing us in a triad, which we don't want....there might be the difficulty. If I say, well, can you clean up and leave us dinner before you spend the night there...he hems and haws and says "She feels like a booty call" or "she wants more time."

What I'm hearing from you guys is that it's a problem in my marriage. It's also a problem with me getting up in her business, right? I guess you're saying she's blameless and if he tells me, she wants me over earlier, I need to say, that's not my problem and I don't want to hear it.

Sometimes the hinge, bassman, isn't great at being a go between. Our V is different than yours since wild orchid is married. But still I'll make a request on pda in family settings and it gets lost in translation when he discusses with her. wild orchid and I have agreed that after I discuss with bassman than she's okay I discuss with her directly (and bassman is aware of this agreement since in the end...the open long term, our families will be interacting with each other).

The husband's fantasy...if neither you or your metamour want or are even comfortable with a threesome, than he should respect that on both your ends.

With the scheduling and last minute wants of your metamour, that is on your husband to negotiate with you and with her. If he can't do his job of being a respectful hinge to both you ladies, maybe he needs some classes on communicating?
 
Thank you guys all so much for the great input. My husband does have trouble communicating.

In my ideal world, I would have picked someone for him who had had at least one long term relationship and who was better at communication and had at least some experience with a long-term partner or living with someone. I don't believe in "vote" though because I feel (just in our case) it interferes with autonmy. I've learned a hell of a lot though!
 
What I'm hearing from you guys is that it's a problem in my marriage. It's also a problem with me getting up in her business, right? I guess you're saying she's blameless and if he tells me, she wants me over earlier, I need to say, that's not my problem and I don't want to hear it.

I've been in your husband's position recently, and I think it definitely IS his responsibility to make it work at home. If my date had asked me to leave an hour earlier, I would have had to discuss it with my wife, and had to either thank her for being flexible, or decide which fallout I wanted to deal with. However, I will say that I don't appreciate anyone changing my plans around without notice, so I probably wouldn't last in a relationship where "she wants me to be over an hour earlier". It would have to be really rare.

I also would really not want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't consider my feelings and, by extension, those of my family. In my (admittedly limited) poly experience, people have generally wanted to get to know my spouse, asked questions about her, and even friended her on facebook. It just seems like a good idea to have at least a passing familiarity with someone with whose life you are going to be intersecting on a regular basis.

I'm more of a poly-fidelity kind of person, so YMMV.
 
I don't see what purpose it serves focusing on the nice things she could do. The point is, she doesn't.

They're your kids. You're raising them, it's your responsibility to watch them. Why should someone else thank you for taking care of your own kids? If anyone should be thanking you, it's the other person whose responsibility it is to watch them.

Any problems you're having are 100% between you and your husband. Don't bring his girlfriend into your marriage problems, it's not her marriage, they're not her problems. She didn't cause them, it's not her place to fix them.

Would it be "nice" if she sent you appreciative e-mails etc? Sure. But how does wallowing in self-pity benefit your life? How does focusing on her lack of courtesy make your marriage happier? How does it help you cope with your day-to-day responsibilities? What purpose does it serve, besides providing you with a sense of moral superiority?

The problem with "nice people" is that they never do anything for purely selfless reasons. They do them because it's "the right thing to do." They do them because they'd want other people to do it for them. They do it because they enjoy the gratitude they usually receive. And when they don't receive that gratitude, they feel ripped off. The fact that you're making time for your husband to enjoy happiness and lead a more fulfilling life is supposed to be the reason you do it.
 
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Thank you SC... I totally agree.

I think I figured it out. There is a lot of pressure on the forum to treat "secondardies: equal. I think I was coming from that perspective. i feel that my model of poly wanted to function more like a triad -where we all had flowing communication. I found myself often thinking about her needs and trying to help her feel welcome and equal (terrible wife, right?) But I became resentful because I felt these considerations were only going one way.

Not, I realize that I don't have to do this at all! As Polyinpractice said, I have to get emotionally uninvolved. And treat my husbands relationship with her like any of his other friends (I don't consider whether they need help or their schedules). The irony is that now people might say "O you wives treating secondaries bad!" but that's not the case at lal. The case is my relationships have to be based on mutual consideration, not one way.
 
It is not your job to make sure she is happy.

YOUR HUSBAND has the responsibility to do the right thing. In my opinion he is not.

Butch doesn't owe Murf a damn thing honestly. Murf doesn't owe Butch anything either. It is my responsibility to do the right thing. It is neither mans duty to make sure the other is feeling secure in their relationship.

If your husband will not do the right thing buy you and your family. Even though you are his wife you may actually be HIS secondary. And this is his issue and has nothing to do with his gf. Your husband is a grown up and can put down his foot with her.
 
Different strokes for different folks. You'll never please everyone. But so what? We're just strangers on the internet, offering differing opinions. It's definitely not your responsibility to please us, too :)

Some people subscribe to hierarchical polyamory with primaries and secondaries. Some people don't. Both forms are perfectly acceptable, provided everyone involved agrees to the terms. Of course, anyone who doesn't agree to the terms is free to walk away.

I think the important thing is to realize that "not treating secondaries as equal" is different from "not treating secondaries as people." Everyone deserves a basic amount of respect and consideration. That doesn't mean going out of your way to make someone's life easier, especially if that effort is one-sided.
 
Single and still poly

Single and still poly,I do not think that two men and a woman fall in love at the same time and start a poly relationship,I do think that most relationship started with a couple and then they see the need for a third,people marry ,then devorce then remarry,I do think that most poly couples had a very strong relationship and then for some other reason they see the the need for a third,some single people cannot be responsible enough to be in a relationship as a couple,Some men marry and then they tell the wife they cannot function as the man in the house so they need help,Sone single men go through life without ever getting married,they just cannot handle it,Some men marry and have a family with kids and then it fall apart,and the husband or wife go separate ways,but prefer not to get marry again,Some people marry and then found their true love,People have all different reasons,love is blind!Doyou think they are all cheaters?
 
I do thing being single is inherently poly, because most people date lots of people until they "settle down." But I, personally, would;t date a married poly guy if I wanted a primary partner, it seems too painful.

Why not? The point of polyamory is that you have more than one partner (at some point, at least). Nothing says the first one has to be primary (of course, you can absolutely have more than one primary, so being married doesn't mean you can't be someone else's primary as well).

If you reject people because you feel you're not meeting them in the "right" order, you're gonna be in trouble. Why would you refrain from dating someone who is compatible because you want something they can't offer, when you can and plan on dating other people anyways?
 
Bofish, you seem to be regarding your husband's girlfriend with suspicion. You seem very critical of her motives ("why would she choose to date a married man when she wants a husband of her own"), etc.

Why don't you apply this same criticism to your husband? If he wants a girlfriend but NOT a second wife, why would he choose to date a woman who is looking for a husband?
 
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