Helping wife go through a "break up"

Librarian

New member
Well, as I mentioned in my introduction a few days ago, despite all my fear and hesitation as my wife and I move into this new territory, her first attempt at starting a relationship with another guy did not go well at all.

In a nutshell, she put all her feelings for him on the table, he reciprocated, they agreed that they would start something, and then he pulled the rug out from under it at the last minute.

To be honest, yet selfish, this worked out well for me, as I was really having a hard time with how quickly things were moving, even though sex was apparently out of the question. However, being there with my wife while she wallowed and cried about it for several days was tough. We talk about how we are best friends, but I've never really had to be there for her as she was ending a relationship with another man.

She's actually meeting him for coffee right now. From what she tells me, it is for closure, but I'm still convinced he is going to try and back peddle and see if he can't figure out a way to make it work for him. He seems fickle and indecisive like that.

For what it's worth, she and I have really found this site helpful. She's pretty convinced that she is a polyamorous person after reading about NRE and getting a handle on her feelings. I'm also getting to be more and more OK with it. This whole thing started out because of my fantasies of her being with another man, cuckolding and whatnot. However, those things seem to be really taking a back seat to the even crazier, better, albeit it harder emotions to deal with that polyamory has stirred up.

I don't know why, but Nancy encouraged me to write about my feelings, and it seems to help, so here they are. Sorry to bore anyone.
 
dealing with the same situation

Hi,

You didn't bore me at all, and I've found writing here helps too, so I think your wife may have a point...

I just wanna share that I am going through a similar experience. My wife had an affair, which I am calling by that name because although I knew about her emotions (and actions) from the start, it was in fact cheating on the other side.

After a few hookups my R decided to break it off, partly out of fear for our relationship (I was not handling it very well. I've always seen myself as poly, but this is the first time it'd actually happened after 8 years together, and, well, easier said than done), and partly because of the total mess and lies on the other side (cheater's wife texted while they were together and R freaked).

I must say, in many ways it's worst now than it was when they were "together". Your right, helping your wife trough a break up is not something you are equipped for by society, and it's very weird. Also, I find that when she is with me (heading to a party, say), and I can sense she is actually thinking about her and wishing she could see her, that hurts more than when I knew she was out having sex with her. At least then she was really with me when she was with me.
 
I'm sorry you are both dealing with "break up" stinkage.

When you are both ready to process... what have you both learned from this experience? How does she want you to treat her if she dates and breaks up again? How do you want to be treated?

It's part of the reality of dating -- not every dating partner is going to be a runner. So weathering it out (break ups) is something to discuss. You guys could talk about it.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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I'm still convinced he is going to try and back peddle and see if he can't figure out a way to make it work for him. He seems fickle and indecisive like that.

As I understand from the other thread, she only recently told him how she feels. They had their first date/lunch/coffee on May 1--5 days ago. They flirted via text before that for two weeks, but at work, he gave her the cold shoulder. Do I have this right?

And for these things, he is called fickle and indecisive, and a coward, in your other thread.

I find relationships go better, whether they end up as a romance or a friendship, if we strive for understanding. Didn't you yourself spend a few years telling her you wanted this, and then get very uncomfortable when it happened? Might that not be seen as fickle?

Is it possible he didn't think he was being 'cold' at work, but rather, 'professional?' Bringing flirting and sexual innuendo into a work situation could result in some pretty big problems. And in general, it isn't appropriate.

Has he ever been in a poly relationship before? Based on what you do and what you don't, say, my guess is he hasn't been, and in that situation, I think it's normal for him to have an internal struggle: to be attracted to someone and want to pursue a relationship, yet realize there are some inherent problems with this situation, to think carefully about the wisdom of getting involved with a married woman, to not want an unconventional situation--and yet she's offering what he wants.

I think it's unfair, and too much to ask, for poly people, or a couple just starting but who have considered this for years, have done their own research and given it plenty of thought, people who are clear in what they want and how they expect things to unfold, people who, I might add, already have the lifetime partner and the spouse to go home to that most people want out of a romance--to invite a new person into this, a person who has never even thought about poly, a person who has absolutely zero basis or knowledge to work with--and expect that person to be right there, fully in, in the space of 2 weeks, no back and forth, no changing the mind, no being drawn to her and then thinking, Wait, this is a married woman, there are some problems here, and pulling back again.

Just curious, would you have called him close-minded or 'not open' if he'd just rejected it out of hand from the start? I don't mean this as an accusation, but as a genuine question, because one of the things my BF said to me on the first date was that he came out to me because he thinks I'm 'intelligent enough to handle it.' I still take objection to that statement--as if an intelligent person would naturally accept this and perhaps to say no thank you would make you stupid and incapable of 'handling it?' I have seen poly people around the web call others narrow or close minded for being clear upfront that they have no interest in poly--maybe not here, and not often, but it is a response that some people have.

Sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't. You're close-minded if you don't try it, you're fickle if you dip a toe in and have some back and forth as you see it up close and try to sort through things that we already spent years sorting through.

Again--I am not saying you feel this way. I have no idea if you do or not. But just an idea of the position he's in, and the idea that her relationship with him will go better, and have more possibility of returning to what she really wants with him, if he's cut some slack, given the same understanding we'd all like from others, and not called cowardly, fickle, and indecisive.
 
And to be clear, I know it wasn't YOU who called him a coward. I'm just saying, dismissing people with pejoratives, regarding him in the negative light others slap on him, is the surest possible way to ruin a relationship.
 
WhatHappened,

Thanks for your reply. You bring up some very valid points. I know I'm being hard on him, but after seeing what a wreck my wife has been for four days, I guess it's hard not to be judgmental. In all honesty, I've actually been trying very hard to see his side of it. He is going through a divorce and has a semi-steady girlfriend. The more I learn the details of his life, the more I actually feel that this would not be a good thing for him to get involved in.

For an update, they met last night and spoke for about three hours. My wife came home and told me everything. Indeed, he does want to try again. My wife is still unsure how she feels about it, considering the pain she felt and the now very clear complications involved. Then he kissed her...

I'm still trying to process my own feelings. After much talking with my wife last night, I'll admit that I felt upset. What was supposed to be an hour long conversation that resulted in closure to this relationship ended up with a kiss and the idea of it being continued. I want to feel that compersion for her, but right now it's just so damn hard.

Also, I've been telling my wife that if things are going to continue with them, I want to speak with him. Talk things out. He is apparently terrified of me, or doesn't think I could possibly be ok with any of this happening, and that is really not what I want. I actually think it would be easier if him and I were friendly with each other and could talk openly about this all. My wife fears that he won't be up for such a conversation, and that bugs me.

WhatHappened, I'm going to reread your message several times today. I don't think my update/reply really covers most of what I'm feeling, but I have even more to think about and talk with my wife about. Thank you.
 
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He thinks you could not possibly be ok because he can't possibly be ok. Well, maybe not "can not possibly" because i just liked the play on words, but basically he seems to be projecting his feelings about it onto you. It could be that he is having trouble coming to terms with "sharing women", since he seems to be ok with women sharing the same man, and perhaps women sharing each other, maybe? You don't mention anything like that, but it certainly looks like this could be a case of a one-penis-policy type of guy who simply has not discovered the vocabulary to articulate it.
 
BoringGuy. I've thought of this a lot as well, and I think you might be right. Another reason why I want to talk to him. I'm worried though that a conversation about the reality of me having sex with my wife after they have maybe been on a date will affect him. It's something I think he needs to hear, although I know my wife think it will scare him off. But, shouldn't these be things he needs to be forced to think about? Is him deluding himself and thinking he is in a "normal" (for him) relationship healthy for him or my wife? I assume he needs to be equally as poly as my wife and I are contemplating becoming if it is going to not end in total ruin and disaster. To WhatHappened's point, I want to give him some credit and assume that this is equally new to him, but I just get the sense he is wanting to walk into it eyes wide shut.
 
He is apparently terrified of me, or doesn't think I could possibly be ok with any of this happening, and that is really not what I want. I actually think it would be easier if him and I were friendly with each other and could talk openly about this all. My wife fears that he won't be up for such a conversation, and that bugs me.

He could imagine all kinds of things. But he cannot KNOW where you stand until opportunity is created for your to TELL HIM where you stand. If he thinks he wants to start something with her and grow love there with her? But he cannot hack a simple conversation with her other Sweetie (you) to get boundaries in place so it can all go well? Wife could consider what kind of start she's giving her potential polyship. A solid start or a flaky one.

Why does she fear he won't be up for a conversation like that? Because she can already tell from limited experience of him that he's behaving all flaky?

Could not let eagerness to being polyshipping cloud judgement. She's already been hurt. Why would she want to take up with more flaky man action? I am confused. :confused: What about him and his situation makes him a good polypartner for her? Has she articulated that? What makes him yummy cookies for her?

In your shoes, I don't blame you for being concerned about shenanigans yet to come.

I just get the sense he is wanting to walk into it eyes wide shut.

Are they really "eyes wide shut?" Or could it be you being around in conversation wrecks his smoothie talkin' at your wife? She's all starry-eyed with her crush on him and maybe not seeing clear. You aren't crushing on him and looking at him with a different view. Could that be why he doesn't want to play on the level and does not want you around to wreck his game?

I'd suggest proceeding with caution. Both you and wife.

If wife (and you) are seeking one kind of polyship model and polyship standard he's after another kind -- could call it "not compatible" and let it go.

Your wife deserves someone who really wants to be with her. Not lukewarm. Certainly not lukewarm with a side helping of UGH factor to boot.

My 2 cents,

Galagirl
 
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And to be clear, I know it wasn't YOU who called him a coward.
No one did. Assuming this post is the one you're referring to, the poster said the boyfriend behaved "in a cowardly way". The two are not the same: there's actually a big difference.

Not that I don't agree with the general sentiment of your message, WhatHappened, nor am I picking on you. But it's just as bad to put words in other people's mouths then claim them as not being "understanding" as being quick to judge in the first place. On a board like this that stresses good communication skills, we need to be accurate in our own.
 
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I've recently been through a break up and my boyfriend Peaches helped me to deal with it. I was ABSOLUTELY devastaded. I'm sure Peaches had a hard time helping me with it, he confessed a lot of feelings on the line of "Am I not enough to keep her happy" and "How COULD that childish, selfish person do this to her?"
I'm now getting back togheter with CC, the guy who broke things up earlier this year. CC is both younger than me and Peaches and very new to poly. He had never even considered it before. He didn't know about the term "monogamous" and that there were other ways to live life, for f*** sake. He's REALLY green on relationships in general.
Of course poly spooked him out at first. To me it's understandable. Even if he did hurt me when he said he couldn't do it, even if I spent months as bad as can be as a result of that break up.
To Peaches, on the other hand, his behaviour was unaceptable, childsh and, yes, fickle, since he now decided he would like to try this again.
Maybe it's because I love CC and I am emotionaly tangled in this and Peaches isn't. But Peaches did understand, in the end, that this is something I REALLY want to do, to pursue this relationship with CC. I still find myself defending CC sometimes (Peaches has taken the bad habbit of making sarcastic comments about me "adopting CC" or "CC needing to get his glass of warm milk handed to him every night), but actually, CC is doing a lot better this time around, he's trying hard to warp his mind around poly and we're happy.

So I just wanted to say that if your wife thinks it's worth the chance, and you decide you're really ok with poly, support her on trying this out one more time. She felt the hurt of the break up, she should be responsible for the risks of trying again. You'll be there for her in case thing go wrong again. (I would just advise her to make sure this break up/trying again thing doesn't become a cycle.)
As you experienced yourself, poly is kind of hard at the beggining. And this for a couple already considering it and researching, already feeling safe and confident with each other. Aking for someone to just dive head first into that and not even flicker is a lot to ask.
 
similar circumstance

I am dealing with a very similar situation. One difference is, I am the wife who started having emotions for a man who I believed also felt them for me. My husband was not happy when I would cry to him about the problems I was having with this other man. Things settled down and the boy and I started chatting again. Fast forward 9 months later: Now it seems to be over for good. This time I've hidden a lot of the crying from my husband. He knows that I am not happy about the breakup. However, he is really busy right now in a masters program and I don't see any point in upsetting him over a guy who decided that he wants a monogamous relationship with another woman over me.

Like you, this started because my husband and I enjoy me being with other men sexually. The breakup has been very painful for me. Hopefully one day I will find a man who is willing to be a boyfriend to me. It's just hard because the age range of men I am interested in right now seem to be ready to settle down and get married and have more children in a monogamous fashion. That is something that I cannot provide for them.
 
I think writing things out really helps put feelings and thoughts into perspective. Whether that be here, or in a journal, blog, email, etc...

If the other guy has a girl that he is talking to or another girlfriend, is he being honest with her that he is also interested in seeing your wife?? I can tell you as a wife of a coupe who was in a V, it is hard to watch the end of a relationship because there is dishonesty involved in the other side of the V.

Also, I think it is important that you and he talk, and have an open line of communication.
 
No one did. Assuming this post is the one you're referring to, the poster said the boyfriend behaved "in a cowardly way". The two are not the same: there's actually a big difference.

Not that I don't agree with the general sentiment of your message, WhatHappened, nor am I picking on you. But it's just as bad to put words in other people's mouths then claim them as not being "understanding" as being quick to judge in the first place. On a board like this that stresses good communication skills, we need to be accurate in our own.

Thank goodness we have time to split hairs. Especially hairs that don't impact the sentiment of my message at all, with which you agree. I personally regard behavior as indicative of character. People who behave in kind ways are kind. People who behave in cowardly ways are cowards. Our actions actually do reveal us. I'm fully aware that a person who is typically courageous may behave in a cowardly way in one instance.

But seriously...this is worth hijacking a thread for? To make sure I word things exactly as you would have me word them? To make sure I regard things exactly as you regard them?

Because the fact remains, whether you say someone is a coward or someone behaved in a cowardly way, it's a criticism, it's a negative. And my point, with which you agree, is that casting someone in a negative light in your own mind, when there may well be a more positive explanation, tears down relationships.
 
You stated someone called the OP's boyfriend a coward. No one did. If you quote someone as saying one thing and assume they share your perspective when they may not (like what happened here), and it's easily researched/verified with two clicks of a button, expect to get called out on it. I don't give a damn if you word things the way I would have you word them, nor do I care if you regard things as I regard them; what strange questions to ask. Not everyone agrees with your perspective that a person's behavior is their defined character. Some believe this quite strongly. I can behave motherly but not be a mother, etc. You, WhatHappened, have no way of knowing what the poster-in-question believes. Therefore, don't quote them as saying something they didn't. It's that simple.

This distinction absolutely impacts the sentiment of your message, because flatly calling someone a coward is more damning of an accusation than saying someone behaved cowardly. One can be an isolated incident, while the other is a much more deeply rooted character flaw. Actions actually do reveal us, but only when those actions are consistently applied. That's the key word. As your advice was to be more "open-minded" and perhaps forgiving of transgressions, empathy is a whole hell of a lot easier to obtain if the OP feels the boyfriend's actions were a temporary occurrence rather than him being inherently X, Y, or Z. Yes, it's negative either way, no one was disputing that. But there are shades of negativity, and if you'll recall my message, it's better to be accurate and make those distinctions (especially on a board that deals with improving self-awareness and communication skills) than not.

WhatHappened said:
Thank goodness we have time to split hairs.
All the time in the world.

But seriously...this is worth hijacking a thread for?
Come on now.
 
You stated someone called the OP's boyfriend a coward.

No, WhatHappened did not specifically state that anyone else called the guy a coward. See:
. . . But just an idea of the position he's in, and the idea that her relationship with him will go better, and have more possibility of returning to what she really wants with him, if he's cut some slack, given the same understanding we'd all like from others, and not called cowardly, fickle, and indecisive.

And to be clear, I know it wasn't YOU who called him a coward. I'm just saying, dismissing people with pejoratives, regarding him in the negative light others slap on him, is the surest possible way to ruin a relationship.
I did not read the other thread (or at least I don't remember it), so perhaps you are bringing information from that one over here which is causing you to react this way, but as I read what WhatHappened wrote HERE in this thread, I took it as more of a summary of possibilities. The OP said, "He seems fickle and indecisive like that" and all WhatHappened was saying is, "Look at the reality of the situation and what he is going through. Why call him fickle, indecisive, cowardly, or anything else you find negative, if you are not willing to see it from his perspective?" She could have said wishy-washy, scared, standoffish, or any other adjective instead of and in addition to "cowardly." As someone who did not read the other thread, it was clear to me that she was NOT putting words in anyone's mouth, but merely listing possible negative characteristics that could be hurled at this guy. So, you come on.
 
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Also, so I'm not misinterpreted further, my "come on now" was in response to the line of questioning that WH do/say things exactly as I want, the oddly repeated "with which you agree"s (as if I didn't already state this?), and "hijacking" comment when the topic I brought up is directly relevant to the OP's. Text is a strange medium; most of the time these behaviors are from someone getting defensive or offended when no such thing is intended - which I also explicitly stated in my first post. I'm assuming the best and trying to reinforce that this is not personal. :)
 
Okay, I missed that. So, sue me.

Still don't know why you've got a bug up your ass about it. Someone in the other thread says the guy acted in a cowardly way, and WH points that out that the guy was called a coward, but without naming names. You consider that putting words in someone's mouth and felt you had to scold her for it? Simply out, I disagree with your viewpoint. But I won't say anymore about it so as not to cause further threadjacking.

Back to the OP's topic...

Librarian, I think the biggest problem you and your wife are having right now, with regard to this situation, is expectations. Your wife was sharing flirty texts with this man for only two weeks and then is in a lot of pain about his pulling back? I have to say that sounds rather melodramatic. Methinks she needs to toughen up, grow a thicker skin, and keep inflated expectations at bay. You two are used to your dynamic and pace. Now that you are opening up to other people, you will have to broaden your understandings of how people relate to others, and not hang so much hope on a minor thing like a few weeks of flirty text messages.
 
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