Differences in what people need in relationships

So how much longer are you going to drag it out?
 
Situation now is:

*Gf accepts me having sex with my bf.
*Gf says no interactions with other guys without her being involved. No kissing or having anything go on with this other guy at all.

Seems kinda like she did a trade off like "well if you can have sex with your bf then you can't do anything w any other guys." She didn't say it in those words but I feel she thinks I should compromise because she's "allowing" me to sleep w my bf.
This is unacceptable. Only YOU and you alone, have a right to control what you do with your body and I am sure I probably said the same thing to you last year. Furthermore, it is absolutely ridiculous and demeaning for her to think she can insist on being involved with anyone else you want to be with. That person has a choice, too - why should she dictate not only your sex life but the sex life of whoever you get involved with as well? Who does she think she is? Do not accept her terms - is she a girlfriend or the boss of you? Come on now, really!

I don't think it should have ever been a question whether I'd have full control over my sex life w my bf. Totally regret ever giving in to that when it went down but she pretty much gave me an ultimatum . . . It's only been a month and a half since I first kissed the other guy when she said "no more" but it feels like it's been forever, lol.
I don't see how you can "LOL" about it. This is some serious shit - she has issues and wants to control you!

My gf was by my side through all of this, supporting me, saying he should let me be who I am. Now it makes me question if maybe she was only so supportive bc it benefited her (we liked the same "other" guy at the time.)
That was my first thought upon reading this - she is all about her happiness, not yours. You are being manipulated.

I don't know. I love her. Besides all the poly stuff, we get along fantastically. There are just a lot of traits with her way of loving and holding onto a relationship that make me want to RUN!
Why second-guess yourself? You are seeing the obvious red flags but putting blinders on and telling yourself that because you love her and have some good times with her, that you should put up with her nonsense. Love is not enough for a relationship to be healthy and satisfying! Sometimes the most loving thing we can do, for ourselves and others, is to let someone go. There has to be respect, too. I don't see much respect for who you are coming from her.

If I were you, I'd run without looking back!
 
Hi hellokitty,

I think you'll find that opinions will vary here as to how long you should give your girlfriend (to ease off on the rules) before cutting the ties. Some will say don't ever do it (since polyamory is the only fly in the ointment -- is it really such a little thing?); some will say give her a year? (based on that being the longest amount of time you can stand to wait); some will say don't give her any time, cut the ties now. You have to take some responsibility for your own course in life, and not depend too much on others to have a unanimous consensus about what you should do. We can't read your mind. We don't know how much of a toll this poly disagreement is taking on you. Maybe it's only a minor annoyance and venting about it sometimes suffices to let you smile the rest of the while.

I'll tentatively vote for giving it a year, but I doubt you'll find that vote to be satisfactory, especially since others are saying zero is the right amount of time. You have your self-respect to think of. Are you respecting yourself by allowing your girlfriend to control your love life? This is a question that you alone can, and must, answer.

An alternative approach would be to only talk about the positives that you enjoy in your relationship with your girlfriend. Perhaps doing so would make the poly thing seem like less of a big deal. Sort of a fake-it-til-you-make-it type of a thing. What do you need in order to be happy? is the key question here. If you can't be happy, then everyone involved isn't happy by definition since that includes you. Is it just a bad attitude? Would talking more about the positives help you to forget about the negatives? again a question to which only you could know the right answer.

I've spent well over five years participating a lot on various poly forums, and have seen everything from relationship anarchists to people who find out they can't do poly (or any other kind of non-monogamy) at all. A one-size-fits-all answer doesn't exist when it comes to how many rules one can and should tolerate in one's life. I myself live in a poly-fi unit and as such there are many rules. I have found (over time) that the rules suit me well enough. But someone else in my position might find the rules to be quite suffocating.

So -- are you suffocating, or just twitching a little over the rules? If you're just twitching, then I'd stick to venting now and then and give your girlfriend as much time as she needs. If you're suffocating, then I'd get out now.

I'm assuming you're somewhere in between those two extremes, which is why I suggest giving your girlfriend a finite length of time (I say a year because you felt you couldn't take it for more than that), and if the rules are as tight as ever by then, then you'll have your answer. But all the advice in the world isn't going to supply you with the perfect answer that meets your every need. No answer is perfect in a situation like this. At some point you're likely to have to choose between your girlfriend and your freedom. Which will it be?

But, hopefully she'll come around soon and you won't have to worry about that. We can, of course, hold out for that hope indefinitely ...

Maybe with more information I'll have a better idea of what to suggest? For now I'm just going by what is presented.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
So this is what she proposes at this time.

  • Gf accepts me having sex with my bf.
  • Gf says no interactions with other guys without her being involved

It is less than clear.

  • For HOW LONG is this next time frame where those points are the guiding boundaries? Maybe you are ok with this if it is "For the next month" and maybe you are not ok with it if it is for the next decade.
  • "Involve" her in WHAT WAY in the process? Like a threesome only with her there? Or you give her the heads up before you proceed to date a person? Or date them, but give her a heads up and labs before it gets to naked/sex? Some of that you may find reasonable to you and some you might not.

Did you AGREE to uphold this already? Or are you only considering her proposal at this point in time and considering it is wigging you out? That part isn't clear to me either.

She asked me to give her more credit and confidence that she's working towards giving me what I want, and I'm trying. I'm just scared. I guess I just maybe need more details.

Could play ball and actually ask for the details you need to feel secure.

It's hard for me to get so detailed about things because I don't want to hurt anyone or make things uncomfortable or maybe I'm also afraid of hearing things I don't want to.

  • How is you asking for more information hurting anyone? Who does it hurt? :confused:
  • Who is uncomfortable if you ask for more information? You? Her? Are you experiencing great comfort NOW when you do NOT ask? :confused:
  • What are you afraid of hearing? How does this prevent you from asking for the info you need to feel reassured? :confused:

If you need more details from her for YOU to know/be reassured she isn't foot dragging or stringing you along, could you ASK for details.

Could deal with whatever you feel about the answer after you HAVE the answer rather than "pre-feeling/what iffing" stuff. That's a good way to make yourself nuts. Could stop doing that.

  • RELATE. Negotiate here. communicate, and get what you need. Then you can move on to the next thing.
  • Or DON'T RELATE. Call it a day, no matter how disappointing. Then you can move on to the next thing.

This dragging it out stuff... it is not serving either of you. Play ball. Or don't play. But move it forward.

I know I need to be asking HER these things, but I'm the kind of person that really needs to have all my thoughts laid out first before saying anything. Also I have no idea wtf I'm doing so some clarity or validation would be nice.

So could lay out your thoughts and get some feedback.
  • What do you MEAN you don't know what you are doing?
  • What do you need validated?
  • What do you need clarified?

You have a BF, you have a GF. You seem to want to date more people.

The BF seems fine with it. How did you tell him that is different than how you tell your GF? :confused:

It it very simple sounding to me. Hard to feel, but pretty straight up to ASK --

"GF, I have a BF and I have a GF (you.)
At this time, I would like to date other people and still maintain concurrent relationships with you and BF.

What needs do I need to meet for you in order for you to be willing/able to participate in that sort of arrangement? Could you be up for that? Or just not up for it at all ever? Where do you stand so that I can know?"​

Galagirl
 
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I told her how I feel. How important my autonomy is and having control over my experiences w others. She said she knows. She wants me to have that. But isn't comfortable with it, and can't/won't promise she ever will be. She said "I know you're going to do what you want but it doesn't mean I agree or support it. I can't control you, all I can control is how I feel about things and I don't think I'll know until it happens."

I told her leaving it all open ended without resolution scares me. I don't want it to end up like the last agreement, dragging on forever. She said she just doesn't wanna fight about it anymore - that it hurts most to fight. That she knows I'm going to do what I'm going to do but she can't predict how she'll feel or react and doesn't want to make any agreements on it either.

We kinda sat in silence for a while both just stumped on what to do. I said I'm afraid of having this same convo over and over. I know how I feel and it's not going to change. Whether we deal w it today in a month 6 mo or a year I know that's the kind of relationship I want (more open, more freedom) and she doesn't know if she can handle it. She said but if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. It won't be the end of the world. Let's just have fun together while we can. We will deal w things as they happen. She said I can kiss who I want but she's not comfy with more than that.

I think it's the best I can hope for right now if I don't want to lose her. She's pretty much saying do what you will - with my response being yes I will be myself but I'm offering you a chance to discuss options. Though we're not really seeing a compromise in sight for either of us so.. It's been discussed and we'll move on for now. Trying to let go of needing to have control over every aspect of the situation & predict the future cuz I can't. I want to be happy with her & experience life together. I just need some space to be me. I'm hoping things smooth themselves out, like they have w my bf.

It's kinda how it went with him too. I will admit I'm stubborn. I analyze and go over every detail obsessively and think deeply into every situation so when I come to a conclusion, it's usually pretty final. Or at least what I know I need in that moment of time or situation. It's very thought out so I'm hard to persuade otherwise.

I had come to the conclusion all my issues distancing myself from him stemmed from feeling too depended on (in turn closing off my independence) and feeling not in total control of myself. I needed space, independence and the freedom to be myself with others. We discussed it a few times b4 I said look it's a need not a want. I don't wanna fuck up or "cheat" so I'm telling you now it's what I need and you have the option to stay or go. I don't want to constantly feel guilty or hurt & disappoint you. He stayed and things have never been better.

Tbh I think sometimes when dealing w jealousy "ignorance can be bliss." He knows I have his "blessing" to do what I will but I don't offer up details so he's not hurting creating scenarios and nothing bad has happened. It has only enhanced every aspect of our relationship. Not taken away. He gave me freedom to grow and challenged himself to also, while having the time / space needed to learn bout what causes the jealousy.

I can only hope that will happen with her. I hope the more we try to grow together and as individuals, these "problems" will melt away into history. I think I can do and get what I need to a point and like I said deal with the rest as it comes along.
 
DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell) doesn't often work, but it does for some people at least up to a point and I think you have seen a bit of that. Perhaps if your girlfriend isn't overly aware of the details of what you're doing, she won't be so upset? You could ask her about that. Some people imagine the worst if they don't hear the details straight up.

I think it's good that you and she had a heart-to-heart about it all and decided to just negotiate things a day at a time as you are able. And it sounds like you and your boyfriend have already got things figured out pretty well.

Good luck and keep us posted.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
She seems like she is basically saying

"Go ahead and date, I'm willing to go there. I will deal with whatever I feel once there. Including whether or not I feel like continuing to participate in this polyship with you -- that's on me. I won't block you. If it works out, ok. If it doesn't, not the end of the world."

That is and has always been her bag to hold. Her willingness to participate initially and her willingness to continue to participate is her decision. Not yours.

She's sounds pretty reasonable and realistic.

And you cannot predict/control every little thing. You yourself recognize that.

So go date who you want, kiss who you want, and before it gets to naked/sex time with the new person, give her the heads up so she's included and respected in the information loop so she can make her own sex health decisions.

Then she can decide if she's still in or if she wants to step off the polyship now. If she wants to step off -- you pause so she can step off with dignity and grace. Then you carry forward with the BF and the new person.

Hard to FEEL maybe. And that seems to be your trouble right now -- handling your own emotional management on this. You seem to be over the hump though. Are you? :confused:

At this point it seems pretty straightforward in behavior management so that all people are respected in the transition process.

I'm glad you guys have arrived at some sort of "work in progress agreement."

Galagirl
 
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She seems like she is basically saying

"Go ahead and date, I'm willing to go there. I will deal with whatever I feel once there. Including whether or not I feel like continuing to participate in this polyship with you -- that's on me. I won't block you. If it works out, ok. If it doesn't, not the end of the world."

That is and has always been her bag to hold. Her willingness to participate initially and her willingness to continue to participate is her decision. Not yours.

She's sounds pretty reasonable and realistic.

And you cannot predict/control every little thing. You yourself recognize that.

So go date who you want, kiss who you want, and before it gets to naked/sex time with the new person, give her the heads up so she's included and respected in the information loop so she can make her own sex health decisions.

Then she can decide if she's still in or if she wants to step off the polyship now. If she wants to step off -- you pause so she can step off with dignity and grace. Then you carry forward with the BF and the new person.

Hard to FEEL maybe. And that seems to be your trouble right now -- handling your own emotional management on this. You seem to be over the hump though. Are you? :confused:

At this point it seems pretty straightforward in behavior management so that all people are respected in the transition process.

I'm glad you guys have arrived at some sort of "work in progress agreement."

Galagirl
I agree but I can also understand if the OP feels unable to develop relationships with other people whilst her partner might object to something she does and end their relationship. I can empathize with that need for some certainty before they take that leap with someone else.

But if you can manage that reality and still have other relations, do it. There is a chance that she might be able to deal with it as it happens.

The only option you have if you really can't take the leap with the knowledge this might be the proverbial straw, is to end it.
 
Something I have found; is that it helps to have a set time to come back to the table. So-for us we have agreed that every 3 months we will look at our agreements and see if they are "still working for us". That way if one of us feels a need for a change, we know it's possible at that 3 month mark to address it.
But-we don't discuss it at any other time-unless it's AN EMERGENCY situation (and frankly-there hasn't been such a thing-because most poly situations aren't emergencies).
It also forces us to follow through on our commitments regardless of NRE. So for example; if one of us meets someone and we want to change our agreement for the benefit of this new relationship; we can tell them our negotiation time frames (Jan, Mar, June, Sept). (We intentionally made the first time frame awkward to avoid Christmas season and our anniversaries (mine with GG is in April and with Maca is in July). That doesn't mean that the change can't happen. But it does mean we aren't going to just start demanding changes because we are caught up in NRE.

Its important to understand that your gf doesn't have to ever accept being in a relationship as open as you would like. That's her right. You don't have to accept being in a relationship as closed as she would like. That's your right.
But if you want to be together there needs to be compromise. Compromise by its nature means you both get SOME of what you want-but not all. It sounds like she's offered a compromise. Whether it's reasonable enough for you-only you can decide. But it's certainly not what she wants and it's more towards what you want, even though it's not everything you want. That makes it a reasonable offer AS A COMPROMISE.

If your highest priority at the moment is not losing her; it may be reasonable to agree with the caveat of wanting to re assess if it is still working for both of you at some specified time in the future. That stops the fight and allows time to "see how it goes" but also keeps it clear that this isn't necessarily going to be feasible forever.
 
This DADT thing is hard to manage, especially living together. And tbh I'm starting to think that was never even truly on the table to begin with. Gf made it very clear she didn't wanna argue about this stuff anymore and told me she knows what I need and that I'm going to do what I want... But just as my therapist warned me it's just a cop out to avoid truly dealing w things. Bc then when I DO go & do what I want there's arguments, accusations, passive aggressiveness. Icky drama that makes me feel bad.

I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy. :(

This DADT stuff makes me feel like shit. I feel like a liar and a cheater which I DESPISE. Thats not me. That's not who I am or what I believe in. Wtf??? How did I get here???? What am I doing??? I feel so fucked...!!!! ;(
 
This DADT thing is hard to manage, especially living together. And tbh I'm starting to think that was never even truly on the table to begin with. Gf made it very clear she didn't wanna argue about this stuff anymore and told me she knows what I need and that I'm going to do what I want... But just as my therapist warned me it's just a cop out to avoid truly dealing w things. Bc then when I DO go & do what I want there's arguments, accusations, passive aggressiveness. Icky drama that makes me feel bad.

She probably isn't being honest because she doesn't want to deal with it.

To be fair to her, if she really is mono then she shouldn't really be dealing with it.

She should be treating you're excursions, I think, as if you were hanging out with friends; technically you are, right?

I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy. :(

This DADT stuff makes me feel like shit. I feel like a liar and a cheater which I DESPISE. Thats not me. That's not who I am or what I believe in. Wtf??? How did I get here???? What am I doing??? I feel so fucked...!!!! ;(

You have to decide what you need.

I'm pretty mono. I'm not really against poly, but I've never cultivated it so I don't really have that aspect in my life.

The way I handle my wife's intent (she is being very gradual, for which I am grateful) is to think of my wife as having friends she deserves to be with and hang out with. The hard part is to imagine sex as one of those hobbies she does with her friends, given that I've been trained my whole life to be a monogamist.

It doesn't help really that even a couple years ago my wife explicitly said she wouldn't tolerate infidelity, so this is still something we are working out.

So maybe the way to go about this gently is to just have friendships and build up her sense of trust in you. Just hanging out with friends, just having coffee, just whatever that you do with people you love that doesn't require crossing the sex boundary.

Of course the question is, "Why is sex out of bounds?"

The answer is, "Why are you staying with a GF who can't handle your extra-curricular activities?"

There's no real hard and fast rules here other than being compassionate, on both sides.
 
Look, you are working yourself up. It's not FUN to feel, but take all evaluations and feelings out of it. Focus on behaviors. Try it on in your head.

HYPOTHETICAL BEHAVIOR: YOU BREAK UP WITH HER.

Test 1:

  • She wants to stop fighting.
  • You want to stop fighting.

Yep, breaking up solves that.

Test 2:
  • She is willing for you to date and deal with it as it comes.
  • You tried that approach, did not like it, are not willing to CONTINUE taking that approach.

Yep, breaking up at this time solves all that.

Test 3:

  • You want to be free of dadt .

Yep. Breaking up at this time solves that.

Test 4:
  • You don't want to give up loving her at this time.

Breaking up does not affect that. You can keep on loving her as her ex. Not in the same way as her GF, but you can love her. Nothing and nobody is stopping you from carrying love in your heart for her.

CONCLUSION:

Hard as it is? So the suckage can END for all of you? Break up. Do what needs doing to free all of you from circles.

Step OFF the merry go round. The price of admission? Emotional courage. Man up and go for it. Be willing to be sad, be willing to heal, and then be willing to feel better.

You will all be ok in the end, honest. :eek:


This DADT stuff makes me feel like shit. I feel like a liar and a cheater which I DESPISE. Thats not me. That's not who I am or what I believe in. Wtf??? How did I get here???? What am I doing??? I feel so fucked...!!!! ;(

You got here because feelings ensue after behavior. You chose behavior that did not agree with maintaining your spiritual health. Keep choosing it. When people do that, it is hard for them to feel proud of themselves for dinging their own spirit.

You could choose to re-align your behavior with what you do believe in -- so you can return to right relationship with yourself. Then you can feel better in spirit over time.

No judgement here. I mean that kindly. :eek:

But I see you continuing this way round and round when you could just... STOP. Even you see it and seem tired of the going in circles.

It really is that easy to not be eroding your spirit. STOP. Surrender, no more effort made. Just... stopping.

Could tell her you love her, you always will, but this is going in circles.... Grinding people down. So let's just STOP. Let's let it go. Let go of all the arguing and fighting and all that. Just.... stop.

Then you both can move on to the business of healing.

That is my suggestion to you. Just... stop. What could you need from you or her to become ok with the idea stopping?

hugs
Galagirl
 
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I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy

Oh, boy, do I relate! My husband and I have been having this battle for a year. My current arrangement with my husband is DADT. If someone comes along in my life for whom I grow strong feelings for, I am to tell him "There's someone I want to spend more time with," and we'll work out some guidelines. If it's another woman, he thinks he'll be able to handle it. If it's a man, he says he can't promise he won't freak. Either way, I'm supposed to be discreet in public (small town,) people I date are not to come around me when he's around (he works a lot so its doable,) and he doesn't want to know who they are, they aren't to interfere in his life in any way.

I have told him that I feel he's setting me up to fail. A casual fling or friends-with-benefits can survive those rules, but how can I expect a loving relationship with someone I have to keep a secret? Of course, my husband wants me to happy, but on the other hand, he doesn't REALLY want me to get serious about anyone else.

So I understand your dilemma. Do you leave this person you love over this one thing? Whose to say you'll be happier dating whoever you want once the person you loved most is gone? So you make compromises, and so do they. But will they ever really be comfortable with this? Will we?

I made the decision recently to stop trying to solve this all at once, otherwise both me and hubby will lose our minds. I'm just going to see how it all evolves, I'm going to be grateful for the love and freedom I've already got, and when the time comes that I need to ask for more, I will. This has stopped the struggle between us, calmed me immensely, and let me stay in touch with my feelings of love for my husband while still leaving me open to any attractions floating around me.
 
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I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy

Oh, boy, do I relate! My husband and I have been having this battle for a year. My current arrangement with my husband is DADT. If someone comes along in my life for whom I grow strong feelings for, I am to tell him "There's someone I want to spend more time with," and we'll work out some guidelines. If it's another woman, he thinks he'll be able to handle it. If it's a man, he says he can't promise he won't freak. Either way, I'm supposed to be discreet in public (small town,) people I are date are not to come around me when he's around (he works a lot so its doable,) and he doesn't want to know who they are, they aren't to interfere in his life in any way.

I have told him that I feel he's setting me up to fail. A casual fling or friends-with-benefits can survive those rules, but how can I expect a loving relationship with someone I have to keep a secret? Of course, my husband wants me to happy, but on the other hand, he doesn't REALLY want me to get serious about anyone else.

It's pretty easy, he wants to monopolize you. I know that's how I feel about my own wife. It's really not easy to go from the assumption that your life is monopolized to one where it isn't.

I'm not judging here, and don't wish to be judged either. Our culture and upbringing assumes monopolization as the norm.

So I understand your dilemma. Do you leave this person you love over this one thing? Whose to say you'll be happier dating whoever you want once the person you loved most is gone? So you make compromises, and so do they. But will they ever really be comfortable with this? Will we?

I've decided to stop trying to solve this all at once, otherwise both me and hubby will lose our minds. I'm just going to see how it all evolves, I'm going to be grateful for the love and freedom I've already got, and when the time comes that I need to ask for more, I will.


Serious question, do you have strong, good friendships outside of your husband? People he doesn't normally associate with?

How much time do you dedicate to that? What kind of allowances do you have for that?
 
Hi hellokitty,

It is paramount at this time that you decide whether you are venting, or giving voice to the cry of every part of your heart, body, mind, and soul. If venting, then acknowledge that this is a difficult time for you and your girlfriend, but that it's worth enduring the ick so that the two of you can find some common ground and live in peace on that ground. But if it's more than venting, then it looks like you're preparing to ride this runaway train until it crashes. I'm not sure I'd recommend that.

Re (from hellokitty):
"I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect."

Is this the truth, and if it is, then why are you focusing so much on the negative? If it's not the truth, then why are you trying to defend an excuse for riding along with the status quo? Either way, I am hearing a cognitive dissonance in the quoted statement.

Perhaps a pro/con sheet would help, describing what you get out of staying with your girlfriend and trying to get along with her, as well as what doing so costs you, and then another pro/con sheet describing what breaking up with her would cost you, what benefits it would make possible, and whether that's worth it?

It seems to me that you're probably still venting and not at all ready to break up with this woman whom you love. But it is hard for me to hear the venting, and know that what you really want me to hear is that, "But this is such a wonderful relationship she and I have; please help me feel better about staying with her!"

The best I can do along those lines is to point out that she does have respect for your autonomy. By the way, does she want to break up?

Honestly? What I'm seeing is that you and she both want to stay together -- but also that each of you also wants (and believes that) the other to/will change. And I kind of doubt either of you is going to change. So what lies in your future? Let's say you two stay together. What will your life together look like in ten years? in fifty? Since you are closer than any of us to the situation, only you can possibly hope to objectively answer that question.
 
It's pretty easy, he wants to monopolize you. I know that's how I feel about my own wife. It's really not easy to go from the assumption that your life is monopolized to one where it isn't.

Exactly, Spock! So I applaud that's he's come so far out of his comfort zone out of love for and understanding of me. I knew he was a regular joe when I fell in love with me, he knew I was a wild card. We both took our chances.

He works crazy hours, so I have a lot of time where he's out of the picture. Our social life is only sometimes intertwined, but we go out a lot separately too. We aren't one of those couples who are always together, or who only hang with other couples. My good friends know when I'm seeing someone, and they 're discreet. So far, I've mostly managed to keep worlds from colliding (except in the very beginning when it was a bit mess.) But inevitably, at some point, he's going to go from not exactly knowing if I am, to KNOWING I AM. He says he's preparing himself for that inevitability too. I've got to trust him, I have no reason not to.

But I don't want to derail HELLOKITTY's post! But it is a very similar situation. If DADT is do-able for the OP depends on many factors, internal and external.
 
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