Dating safety

Atlantis

Active member
I had a super nice meet n' greet OKC date last. It went so well, made plans for the next date etc.
We were walking back to my car, got to the corner of the car park, and I said "Here is fine, thanks" He said, "I will walk you the whole way." I said "No, that's fine you have a dinner to go to, here is good." He said I will take you to your car, I said I would rather people not know what car I drive, it is for personal safety He said, "Why?" I explained a little about the nature of my work and protecting your address and car. Colleagues have been followed, threatened, cars smashed up etc and I carry that over into the regular world. He was quite offended that I would put him in the same group as my work and that I didn't trust him enough to let him to walk me to my car.
I also had no other information about him other than first name and out of state phone number and probably the company he worked for. I felt saying goodbye in a busy area was best. It is what I usually do. I also leave as much detail ( time meeting, place) as I can with my friend who has password to my OKC account. Text when I leave, text when I am on my way home, and text when home.

Roomie suggested that he probably wanted a kiss, but overreacted. Other friend said he thought it was a bit weird but wouldn't really think twice about it. Prof agreed not letting strangers know what you drive is smart.

What do you think? An overly safety conscious rule or a red flag that the dude was offended?

There will be no second date. Just curious as to how other people handle dating safety.
 
Personally I don't go out socially with people I don't know well enough for them to know where I live.
BUT if you date people that way, good rule to keep some privacy info in place.

As for his reaction-no clue. Could be that he has never encountered that before (I haven't) and was shocked and offended because in his world it would mean you thought HE was dangerous.
Could be he is a jerk.
 
Situations where particularly men insist that women accept their offers of help even though the offer has been declined are real red flags. The offering repeatedly, insisting you accept his offer and attempting to shame you into it by being offended are all worrying signs.

You did the right thing in standing your ground and I'm glad to hear that there will be no second date.

Have a read of The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's excellent on ways to stay safe - not just when dating but in general.

IP
 
I think you need to devise a less awkward way of handling the end of dates if you plan to keep this safety role in place. I think it's over the top but if it makes you feel safe, keep doing it. You just need a way of not coming across like an anxious freak or someone who thinks all men are rapists.
 
Last edited:
With so many horror stories in the news and online, I absolutely prefer the "better safe than sorry" approach to dating. Cars have license plates, and it's not terribly difficult to trace a license plate back to the owner. Privacy laws are a joke.

While I fully believe that rape is never the victim's fault, that doesn't mean you should be careless when you have the opportunity to take precautions.

But I also agree that there's probably a less awkward way to handle it. For example, tell them ahead of time (online) that you're highly safety conscious, and that if you act cautious around them, it's not a judgement on them personally, but just the way you handle yourself at all first meetings. If they get all huffy about it at that point, you can just cancel the date and save yourself the time and energy.
 
I always have a first date in a public place, but I don't go so far as to not allow them to walk me to my car. I do however, get their first and last name and phone number and leave it with my gf and/or bf so they know who I was with should I disappear.

I dated around 30 men from 2009 to 2013 and never had a stalking or raping problem, so I think you're a bit paranoid, but hey, we all have our comfort levels.
 
I do however, get their first and last name and phone number and leave it with my gf and/or bf so they know who I was with should I disappear.

Or at least, you get two names that you believe to belong to them, and a phone number which may or may not be traceable. Could be a prepaid cell paid in cash. I'm guessing you don't send a photo of their driver's license to this gf?

Yeah, I watch too many cop shows, and I've seen every episode of SVU :p

I also get what they tell me to be their name and phone number, but then I also tell my people where we're meeting. I remember one particular sketchy seeming person who bought something from me on kijiji (like craigslist), and I was bringing the item to their place (for an extra $5). I texted my husband when I pulled up and sent him the address, so at least the cops would know where to start the search. :p

I can understand how working in a high-risk field where co-workers have actually been followed back to their cars only to have their windshields smashed in would increase your baseline of caution. It may be paranoid overkill, but that's better than being careless and paying for it.
 
I agree with much you all say.
I could have handled it a little better, but 2 polite refusals should have been enough. I have thought it through and come to peace with it.
But I do get your points that for many people it would seem weird. I didn't talk much about my work on the date, but suffice it to say I have to treat everyone as if they are an assault risk, and worse, because they are. I wouldn't see them otherwise. Here goes....last couple of weeks from 9-10 its, "I want to kill people who don't do what I tell them", followed by 10-11 "I want to kill you."
Schrodinger, I had a co-worker followed and her house set on fire. I work at the far end of whacky ( to use the technical term ;) )
So I suppose my work concerns bleed over into my dating life.
Much of the reason I am studying and looking for a new job is that the risks of what I do are just too much.
Poor dates :(
 
Or at least, you get two names that you believe to belong to them, and a phone number which may or may not be traceable. Could be a prepaid cell paid in cash. I'm guessing you don't send a photo of their driver's license to this gf?

LOL, right right. I do screen as carefully as I can for "not an ax murderer" status in chat and on phone before meeting. But it's a risk. However, many people just meet a drunk guy/girl in a bar and go home with them for sex a short time after the drunk chit chat! Yikes. And yet, most of them don't get raped or murdered either. People ARE mostly normal and just want some sex and human contact.

Yeah, I watch too many cop shows, and I've seen every episode of SVU :p

I also get what they tell me to be their name and phone number, but then I also tell my people where we're meeting.

Yes, I do that too.
 
And yet, most of them don't get raped or murdered either.

Sadly, lots of them do. "Most?" No. But more than enough that it's a valid concern. Many of these rapes go unreported because the women knew they were going home with a stranger, how that's going to look to law enforcement, and that the chances of getting any kind of justice are slim to none.
 
I don't have a car for anyone to walk me to, but I usually say goodbye on a corner and not in front of my apartment building. Sometimes it's not even the corner of the street I live on, but a few blocks away. Or I will stop in front of a doorman building and say goodbye there, and go inside and tell the doorman, "Just let me talk to you for a minute until my date leaves." I have two 24-hour doorman buildings on my block and a 24-hour parking garage that I can always go to if it feels unsafe to walk to where I live.

I've had the experience of a guy saying, "Let me walk you to your door," but I don't recall too many times when anyone pressed the issue after telling them it wasn't necessary. Sometimes I say I need to stop at a store before going home. Since I live in NYC, there is usually someplace nearby I can go to even when it's late (there is a 24-hour drugstore in my nabe, and most of the delis are open 24 hours, too). One guy did get insistent in a charming sort of way, when I was feeling sort of lonely and desperate, and so I relented - and regretted it. I wasn't assaulted - I did want to make out with him, but the experience turned into an unpleasant and aggressive groping in my apartment building entrance hall, and he kept asking me to let him come upstairs to my apartment. I told him to go, and felt like shit afterwards.

If I am meeting someone in an area not near where I live, they usually just walk me to a subway station entrance or bus stop. None of that ever really stops us from kissing if we want to (I have no problem with PDAs).

There have been a few times I brought someone home after a first date, if we've spent a long time together, but that is just what I'm used to from my younger dating days. I haven't done that in a very long while - seemed to happen mostly if I'm a little tipsy. I try not to have more than two cocktails on a first date from the internet. If someone I know fixes me up with somebody, I tend to let my guard down a bit.

If I am conversing with anyone from OKCupid, I tell them that I want to get a feel for who they are first before meeting, and I do want a phone call beforehand. I don't often ask for someone's full contact information before meeting, simply because I don't really have anyone to tell it to and ask to watch out for me. So, since I really am on my own out there, I started being more cautious than I used to be.

During one date I was on, the guy said, "I know most women have a friend secretly sitting at the bar nearby watching out for them on a first date with someone they don't know, and I totally understand." I was like, "Really?" That never would've occurred to me.
 
Last edited:
Just to reiterate-I don't think you are wrong for being cautious. Not at all.

I was just giving you an alternate perspective for consideration.

Where we live, it would be VERY VERY easy to figure out where we live, because it's a reasonably small community and we are well known. It wouldn't make sense for me to try to keep that a secret, because anyone who wants to know could EASILY figure it out just by knowing my full name.

But-it works as a benefit too-we are a small community and everyone knows me. So it's easy to not date people who aren't also known to someone I know and trust AND everyone would know if I didn't show up on time, even 5 minutes, that something was wrong and where to look.

We are more cautious here regarding weather safety. Because it's a much higher risk.
But I totally get the caution concept.
We let people know before we drive to town and before we head home and when we arrive at our destinations. Every day.
Because if your car breaks down and you spend an hour out there-you could be looking at hypothermia.


Be cautious by all means.

People laugh when I tell them I pack winter sleeping bags and snow gear for summer drives. But HERE-you can get hit with a sudden snow storm any month of the year. It's a realistic risk and so I take precautions.
Clearly-your circumstances have a different realistic risk and you should take precautions. :)
 
1.) You take whatever precautions you feel necessary. People either accept it or get crossed off the list. I, too, work in a field where not letting people know where you live is wise (although anyone can figure out which car I drive...which I can't control) - which is why we don't have a home phone and many things are in my husband's name (which is not the same as mine)

2.) Not dating related but...

... I remember one particular sketchy seeming person who bought something from me on kijiji (like craigslist), and I was bringing the item to their place (for an extra $5). I texted my husband when I pulled up and sent him the address, so at least the cops would know where to start the search. :p...

Similarly...I was picking up a Penny-saver purchase (the snail-mail version of CraigsList) at someone's house in the middle of nowhere - I left my husband a note with the address, phone number, name, and what time I left the house...I also took my dog (who was not an attack dog but of a breed that looks the role) and my gun (which I have concealed-carry permit for). The purchase took place in the guy's driveway (I wouldn't have agreed to enter his house) without any issues...but why take chances?

...We are more cautious here regarding weather safety. Because it's a much higher risk.
But I totally get the caution concept.
We let people know before we drive to town and before we head home and when we arrive at our destinations. Every day.
Because if your car breaks down and you spend an hour out there-you could be looking at hypothermia.


Be cautious by all means.

People laugh when I tell them I pack winter sleeping bags and snow gear for summer drives. But HERE-you can get hit with a sudden snow storm any month of the year. It's a realistic risk and so I take precautions.
...

Right with you there.:) I text the boys when I am leaving the office and, when the weather is bad, if I am taking an alternate route home so that, if I am not home within a reasonable time-frame, they can track-back my route and find me.

(I also have some kind of herding instinct...I am much more comfortable if I know where are the members of my "pack" are, so that if they run into trouble I know how to get to them...Dude has some issues with this - as interfering with his freedom - so I don't push it. MrS understands that I don't care where he is (or who he is with), so long as I know that he is safe.:cool:)
 
We are more cautious here regarding weather safety. Because it's a much higher risk.

Good point. I was hanging out with some farmers one Christmas, and we got talking about bad weather. I learned that none of them lock their doors when they go out in the winter, because if someone ever gets stuck in bad weather, they want to provide a safe, warm place to stay. Plus they know that if they lock the door and someone is freezing, they'll probably just break in anyway, so why not save the window?

They also leave the keys in their trucks during seeding season, because chances are someone else will be picking it up later. It's a different world.
 
We don't lock our doors and our cabins out in the woods-which are locked to keep animals out-are locked with combo locks and the combos are written on the windows-so people stuck out there, can get in.

:)
 
I remember the first time I had a one-on-one date with Moonlight at her house, which occurred about a week or two after she had hosted both Fly and I for a threesome night. We'd known her for maybe a month at that point, and had all had sex together at least three times.

She and I had partaken of some herb, which I don't do very often, and I got a little chemically tipsy. At one point, while Moonlight and I were having the most amazing sex of my life, I thought foggily, "Well, at least if she chains me up in her basement, Fly knows where she lives!" Um, paranoid much?

I also remember that when I had my first date with Fly, a few days later he mentioned that he'd seen my car outside my workplace, and had contemplated dropping in to say hi. He'd seen my car on our date, I'd told him the name of the company at some point while chatting, and the street was a regular route for the delivery truck he drove at the time. Yet, even though it was all easily explained, it still felt stalkerish, and it took me longer to let down my guard after that than it might have otherwise. Obviously, it wasn't a problem, but I don't regret listening to my gut and being self-protective.

At the bottom of it, I think a small amount of paranoia is healthy, and if someone is huffy about any precautions I take to make myself feel safer, then they're not really someone I'm particularly interested in dating. If it gets to the point where someone is scared of everyone, and sees monsters behind everyone's eyes, that's sad and disturbed. But holding people at arms' length until you're sure of them is, in my opinion, just smart.
 
My guys are both the type to offer, probably more than once, to walk a lady to their car, especially if it was at night. But they would both back off if the woman insisted like the OP did, and reassured that it was not necessary. Hubby is just a gentleman, and BF is too but also a former firefighter and paramedic. His motto is always Personal Safety First. :)

BF is likely to ask for a text to be sure you made it home okay. He and I do this every day when we have been out and about, and especially if we had a big driving day. He does it with our other friends also. We all kind of roll our eyes and say "who is texting him to let him know we are here safe?", but I like that he likes to know.

I can understand how he might take it a bit personally that you didnt trust him to keep you safe. But you dont really know him, and he should just err on the side of respecting your wishes.
 
Meeting someone - safety?

General question:

When you meet someone online, chat for a while, and then want to meet - what is the ideal way to do this?

Should you chat extensively first to get to know each other better? Do you just meet when you click?

And what are the safety issues around meeting someone?

I have not dated other than my husband for a very, very long time - I have no clue about how this will work on a practical level when I'm ready for this step

thanks for any advice
 
I meet whenever I feel ready to. Sometimes that's after extensive chats, but sometimes it's just on a gut feeling. I think I'm probably a bit more cautious about meeting people than I need to be, but then again, it's so easy to pretend to be someone you're not on the internet that I think it's right to be careful.

So I will always meet in a public place, like a pub or a busy park, and always for a pre-defined period of time - if things go well, you can always extend that on the spot, but sometimes it's good to have an excuse to walk away early if you just don't feel like there is any chemistry there. I get their phone number, and exchange messages with them via that medium to ensure that it's genuine. I tell my partner where I am meeting them, and also give them their number, as well as their name and info about online usernames if that hasn't already come up. I let the other person know that I'm doing that too. I text my partner if my plans with that person changes on the spot (i.e. if I'm going to be out longer than I said I would, or if we move to another location) and we are geeky enough to have a safety emoti agreed in advance, so she knows the message is from me and not that I have had my phone taken from me. I don't ever go back to someone's place on a first meet, even if I have the hots for them. If, for a later date, plans are made to go to their home then I always leave the address with my partner and give her a timeframe for my return.

I know there are some good phone apps out there these days that can let you check in with a designated person, and show your location. I've thought about getting something like that set up, and certainly would do if my partner were out of town or something, so I could have a friend step in in her absence.
 
I also meet whenever I feel ready for it. Nowadays I am not dating any new people, but I used to.

tenK gave you good advice on safety, and I have followed the same basic rules for my dating in the past. However, I did not necessarily want a phone number or exchange texts prior to meet-up - simply because it is way too easy to get a prepaid phone that no one can track. Texting proves nothing, really. I also had a separate cell phone with a non-trackable number to give my dates prior to meeting them, so that there would be a way to inform about last minute changes would they occur.

I never give my personal data to internet strangers, however long we might chat. That includes my full name (I usually tell people my first name when a date has been agreed on), my address and even my picture. I know, this radically reduces my dating pool, but well... that is how I do it. I do not have pictures of my face on any dating sites, never have had.

It is very wise to tell someone details about your date and have some sort of check-in happen with someone during the date. That person does not need to be your partner, it can be someone else that you trust. My back-up person was mostly one of my close friends.
 
Back
Top