Redpepper's journey

I'm glad things are looking up a bit today. I was worried about you this morning when I read your post from last night. You are worthy of love and friendship with no ulterior motives. Anyone who says or insinuates otherwise simply isn't worthy of you or your time!
 
So I went and hugged him. He talked of the big sale and showed me the store ready to go. We chatted and joked with his staff and regular customers, all of whom looked confused.

He was obviously showing me off and pleased I came.

When I left he followed me out and held me tight for a long moment. I asked if we could meet up after the sale and he started talking about when. I told him not to think of that until after this week, when it's over. I said I just miss him and looked him in the eye. He looked back at me and said he couldn't understand why I would. I asked him if he missed me. He said yes and looked at me like a sad puppy. I said I wondered the same thing he did. Why would he? I knew he did and knew we were fine in that moment. All is good. Patience is all I need. :)
 
Redpepper, that really sucks with Leo. It sounds similar to my issue: someone using time as an excuse not to be available to you when there may very well be much more to it. Maybe sex is really his main intention, but I would not internalize that. I don't know your history, but I know you are worth much more than sensuality/sex/entertainment. We all are, as long as we want to be worth more than that, if that makes sense.

It is so beautiful to have Mono and PN to confide in and to love you through these instances, revelations, and ponderings. That's all I want: multiple people to share something deep and profound with me, for as long as we desire.

I'm sorry Leo is issuing one disappointment after another. :( *hugs*
 
I definitely see your point about compromise and boundary setting. Thanks for sharing that. It is something I can use whenever I discover the right circumstances for me. I know, I too, would need my alone time in my room. I actually require quite a bit of it, since I meditate, sing, practice guitar, write, read, and love to listen to music. I like to enjoy those things within my own space so I can fully embrace my element undisturbed. Plus, I have to be able to have silence. :D
 
It was freakin awesome! Lots of our friends were there: PN, Derby, her hubby, his girlfriend and plenty of others. :)

Wonderful! Next question: how did the book for a week thing go?
 
Oh my, do I need to catch up! It's coming. I just have a need to be present in the family right now. Catching up on other threads is all I am able to manage, but it is coming.

Off to women's group this afternoon.
 
I thought I wrote about the book event, but I see I might not have.

First of all, some background on how it worked. The entrance way to the university library had comfy chairs and side tables where we could all take our readers to talk. We sat in chairs to one side behind a desk where there was a binder of all of our book titles and an intro. People would come by and look at the binder and decide who they wanted to know more about.

Topics ranged from California same-sex marriage laws to someone's experience moving from Ontario to Florida during a tornado, to someone's experience of ageism on campus, to another who was experiencing what it was like to be a Chinese person come to school in Western Canada. Very diverse. I was by far the most taken-out book, it turns out. Exhausting! My friend was there for a time, also talking about poly, but from the intro kind of angle and she left early. So I was it for the afternoon.

It was so much fun and so interesting what people wanted to talk about. I was willing to share about my experiences as a mistress/domme, my journey of discovery of my sexuality and my journey to get to where I am today in my poly relationships. Most people were into hearing about the latter, although there were definite overlaps. I talked a lot about my experiences as a younger woman and how I created my goals for family and how I began making my dreams come true, true to me and no one else, and how we can all do whatever our creative minds decide. There is room for all of what we want to do, regardless of what it is. :)

What I found most interesting were the students from abroad that were interested in and thought poly made sense, but didn't know how to normalize it for themselves. Why students from abroad, I have no idea. I talked a lot about jealousy too, and how to handle it. There were some people that just plain looked confused and defensive. That brought up odd feelings for me, as I felt myself feeling less assured that I am "okay" and noticed I started closing down. Instead of doing so, I asked them questions and brought out their relationship style and marketed the concept of "We are all different." That seemed to work.

It was fascinating to be taken out by people who didn't know me, who were brave enough to engage in a process like that. When they flipped through the book they had no idea who they were going to get when they looked the assembly of people sitting there. It was a bizarre feeling.

We all wore shirts that made us all look the same, that said, "Don't judge a book by it's cover" on them. They were all men's shirts, very unflattering. Heh. ;) Seriously though, why can't they make a shirt that is unisex? Could they not have had women's t-shirts made? That was my only complaint. :p
 
That sounds like a totally wonderful experience, lousy t-shirts not-with-standing!

I'm glad you had a good time & hope you helped someone follow their own path :D.
 
T-shirts can always be modified after the fact. There's a book I saw on 100 ways to modify a regular t-shirt.
 
That book event sounds really interesting! I'd love to go to something like that. How did it work, were the people "borrowing you" also people who were available to tell their own stories, or did you sit there and have lots of random people take you out?
Because if I was doing such an event, I'd like to talk about my story, but I'd also love to hear about other people's.
 
That sounds fascinating! I wish I could have been there. I probably would have wanted to check out every single book.

And OF COURSE you were by far the most popular book! Who in their right mind would not want to "check you out"? ;)
 
I gave it to PN. He liked it and I get to read it on him, which works better for me, anyway. Good thing he and I wear a similar size.
 
Burlesque

I finally got my moment on stage. I must say it felt addicting, but I am not about to rush out and do it again. :)

I went to meet all the women, to do our make up and get ready. Fun fun fun hanging out with half-naked women with lots of hair spray, fake eyelashes, tons of foundation, red lips and a whole lot of sequins and feathers flying.

I find in these situations with women that I quite often get ignored or shuffled to the side. I usually just stay quiet. I am not like other women. I talk loudly, am very direct, and don't cluck like a hen. Although they find me funny, I can either be too crass and blunt or come off as too, well, British somehow, whatever that means. So I allow myself to just go into my head and am quite happy there. :eek:

There was a woman that had no idea what foundation was, let alone why she should wear it. She did a number where she stripped her welding gear. HOT! But she needed a lot of attention before the show. She was high-maintenance and needy. She just didn't have a clue. She looked awesome with my body rhinestones. :D We got on well.

There were some directions from the woman that was putting the show on on how to do hair, stage makeup, etc. But other than that, we were pretty much on our own. I can't believe how long it takes to look the part! All afternoon. When I was done I caught myself in the mirror and saw my grandmother. I freaked a bit. Although she was a handsome woman, I thought I looked old.

I was the first one to get there. All the old regular gay men at the bar watched with fascination as I came in with a white boa and a hot pink cocktail dress, in full makeup and curly red ringlet locks. I wondered if they thought I was a drag queen.

The others arrived and we set up camp behind the stage. I am a very organized person and found myself a little spot where I laid everything out and made sure my pasties were ready to go. Others did their thing, everything from throwing stuff around and spreading out EVERYWHERE, to just standing there with their one bag. So interesting to watch women under pressure and nervous.

When the show began, I was second in the second set, so I sat with PN, Mono, Derby, her husband and girlfriend, and at least 10 other members and friends of the poly community, including a friend from the women's group I run, who identifies as a swinger. There was one coworker too. Another couldn't get in because we were SOLD OUT! 170 people packed into this hot airless bar.

PN, Mono and Derby brought me flowers. I was the only one with flowers. :D Such a lucky lady, aren't I? I tried to downplay it with the others, as they were more than a little confused that I had three people bringing me flowers. I also got a lovely shaken, dirty, wet, gin martini from Derby after the show. :D

I didn't drink beforehand. I love a good party of drinking and laughing. But I was completely sober for this. I wanted that, for some reason. I think it would've lost meaning if I'd had even one drink.

The show was MCed by this crazy lesbian who was crass and hilarious. It really made for a funny night. One after another, everyone did their things, and very well too. I had to follow the woman running the show, who was fantastic and really skilled. I wasn't entirely happy about that, but I went out behind my red curtain carried by the pick-up girls and got myself ready.

All tied up with purple ribbon, I did a mildly-BDSM number. ;) The crowd was really loud, but I barely heard them. I just smiled smiled smiled and went through my well-oiled routine with no fear at all. I felt confident and enjoyed myself completely. It was a total gift to be able to entertain people I knew, and everyone else too. I looked out over the sea of faces and saw people smiling back in amusement, respect, joy. For that moment, no one was unhappy. I had made them feel happiness and joy. It was my perfect moment. That was all I really wanted for them. The rest was for me.

What I got out of it was a moment of cathartic release from a long journey with sexual boundary issues. The song I did and the tying myself up indicated a statement about removing those bounds that I had been tied into by myself and others and being free again. At the end I bounced my tits and twirled my tassels with all my might and grinned from ear to ear with the pleasure of knowing that that was where I was at in terms of giving myself to strangers again. Next time I do it, I will give more, as I didn't fully get down to the bare bones. But it was just right for the first time.
 
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