Thread: so lost
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Old 10-03-2010, 02:51 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi C-girl,

If I might share a couple thoughts..........maybe it can help you get some clarity on what is obviously a confusing point for you.

Originally Posted by crazygirl View Post
i really care about her. but i've come to realize that i don't love her. not like i love my husband.
Of course you don't lover her in the way you love your husband ! Nobody loves anyone in 'the way' we love someone else ! That's the nature of love
And what makes it so special.
And keep in mind you don't need this duplication in order to have something very special to all of you. It's actually more beneficial when everyone can understand and appreciate the uniqueness of the connections.
Sit with this awhile and I think it will make sense...........

Originally Posted by crazygirl View Post
furthermore i've decided that this just isn't for me. i don't mind sharing his body. but sharing his heart is killing me.
Having some considerable experience in being with someone with periods of serious mental distress I can understand your situation. AND understand the role of being the caregiver. Nobody is an endless well of strength and despite all our heartfelt desire to help our loved one(s) there comes a time we need to refill our own reservoir in order to continue giving that love & support.
And this reservoir lives in the heart. Sharing a heart is not a threat. And trying to imprison one is really cruel, selfish and in many cases unrealistic. Hearts are not known to survive confinement. Set free the tend to grow and encompass everyone with more warmth. And THAT includes YOU !
Think about that if you will............

[QUOTE=crazygirl;47032]i didn't come to this lightly. i've had these thoughts and feelings for probably 6 months now and i've made sure to take my time to think things through. with my mental health issues major emotions come and go and i wanted to make sure that this wasn't just a mood. it's not. but now i don't know what to do.[quote]

Way to go girl. That's admirable. But keep in mind that when you are not in a completely healthy condition, it's easy to miss certain points in your analysis. Likely he has been your pillar of support through this rough period and it's natural to be fearful of that pillar being pulled out. It's human nature - no fault. But like I mentioned above, in order to continue to be support, he needs support too. You've probably heard numerous people say "in order to be in a position to help others we have to support ourselves first".

You care about your GF - apparently he does to. And apparently she cares about you both.
Build on that. Don't let fear & unjustified jealousy distort what you all are trying to accomplish here. And that's to have everyone healthy, happy and in a good place.

Originally Posted by crazygirl View Post
i've talked to my husband. he knows how i feel. but...well, i can't seem to get him to communicate with me. i don't really know what HE wants. from me, from our relationship, or for our future. he says he wants to do what he can to make things easier on me (basically to keep me from freaking out about one thing or another). but earlier i asked him what he would do if i just broke up with her and he said he didnít know.
Sweetie, I'm sure he's confused, tired, stressed and just feeling like he's running on half a tank. Communication is probably difficult. A lot of men aren't great on communication to begin with, and when overwhelmed by dealing with a difficult situation are likely to be less so. Probably all he wants right now is some peace and solace. A little nurturing himself. Don't deny him that. He needs it to keep going !

Originally Posted by crazygirl View Post
Ö.gods, i just donít know what to do. i know what i want. i want the romantic relationship to be between just me and him. but i also want him to CHOOSE that. is that wrong?
The whole "romantic" thing means different things to different people. And the definition differs widely between the genders. It would seem, from your limited writing, that he's got that (his) 'romantic' connection with you and is fighting tooth & nail to make it survive. Every connection between people - even the so called 'romantic' ones are different. What you have together can't be changed by anyone except yourself. If you want what you have together to remain, and be strong, focus on that and don't be concerned about something different. Apples and pears. Focus on the apple and the pears will take care of themselves.

I know...........easier said than done........but it's worth it in the long run.

Good luck and keep coming back if we can help.

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