Couples seeking couples versus individuals

lovemultiplied

New member
I've seen people mention that they are are seeking a couple rather than individual relationships....so I'm just curious as to what the reasoning is for not wanting individual relatiionships...
 
I'm not one of those couples.
However,
the ones I've met in r/l-were doing it in order to avoid "jealousy" issues that arise when one partner feels that it's "unfair" if their spouse has another partner, but they don't.
 
I'm not one of those couples.
However,
the ones I've met in r/l-were doing it in order to avoid "jealousy" issues that arise when one partner feels that it's "unfair" if their spouse has another partner, but they don't.
There is truth to this. However, it works better for some couples than others.

For LT and I, it works best that way, although we ARE trying to break from that mold.

We know others who are just the opposite though, and WANT a single for each person. Along with this, neither person wants to know anything about the others dealings with their secondary. I guess if it works for them, then great. For me, I prefer to know every detail of how someone has made my beautiful wife so happy. :D As well as how she made THEM happy. ;) I wanna know it all. LOL My mom used to call me one when I was a kid....Now I know why. LMAO!

For US, that dynamic works....Where we date a couple.....But it doesn't work for everyone else.
 
Well we work better with another cpl, as we(L/T) are so close we are comfortable with another cpl. We like to see each other flirt and have a mutli date. It is a big turn on to watch our spouse play with another person. Just my 2 cents, not that it matters.
 
I agree that the couple/couple can help to alleviate some jealousy issues.

It's also nice when you have limited private time/children. Instead of taking turns with the family responsibilities and sharing your personal time between multiple partners, you can enjoy that time as a group.
 
I've seen people mention that they are are seeking a couple rather than individual relationships....so I'm just curious as to what the reasoning is for not wanting individual relatiionships...

You mean as in me looking for a couple to get involved with in a triad or as in a quad, where a couple is looking for another couple?

Speaking for myself, I read a recommendation that for a single poly, the easiest way to kick start your poly life is to get involved with an established couple. Which, in a way, I think it is. There is a surprising amount of straight-male-bi-female couples out there looking. From the get go, you don't have to wonder about coming out as poly and question if the other person is also looking for a similar arrangement, or whether you are leading a nice monogamous person along.

From a very practical long-term life plan POW, I see that multi-adult families are a good place to bring up child members and having a household with three or more working-age members in whichever combination brings many rather mundane awards, like increased free-time and ability to pool finances. Of course, communal living experiments don't have a very good track record, so I just might prefer having my own place with non-romantical flatmates after all.
 
I know many couples new to poly think finding another couple to play with or fall in love with seems ideal. The reality is quite different. In a 2 couple situation, if both women are bi they might like each other more than feeling attracted to the other man. If you're a single guy looking for a couple, if the other guy is straight he may not want 3way sex. If he's not interested in 3way sex, he could get jealous of you and his primary feeling new relationship energy. I've talked to so many poly couples who really don't have a handle on jealousy or time management.

I've dated single guys and also tried to get with several men who were in so-called open non-mono relationships, who disappointed me with their poor communication skills with me and their female partner. Also, married couples often have kids, full time jobs and really not all that much time to date, even tho they are on ok cupid posting away about wanting another person in their life.

So far, I've had more luck with single men or women who are poly, or at least open to it, and also excellent communicators.

My gf is involved with a man who has a live-in gf. This established couple been together 2 years. The woman seems to be pretty jealous of my gf... she goes on almost all the dates my gf and her bf have, or seldom leaves their apt when my gf comes over, to give them alone (sexy) time. I happened to find her public blog yesterday, and she complained of feeling like a 3rd wheel... and my gf has been seeing her man since November!
 
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I am so happy I never learned about 'normal' alternative relationship rituals until long after being involved with multiple relationships. lol

Couple-to-couple always struck me as more work, and more prone to 'jealousy', or insecurities, not less. It doesn`t mean I shy away from it, but when it is couple-to-couple it`s in your face more, you see more,..therefore there is more to deal with.

Individual relationships can be tucked neatly aside, and interactions and knowledge happen on a need-to-know basis.

Entirely my own experience, as someone who is in a open marriage, and has experienced both individual relationships, and couple-to-couple.
 
I've talked to so many poly couples who really don't have a handle on jealousy or time management.

I've dated single guys and also tried to get with several men who were in so-called open non-mono relationships, who disappointed me with their poor communication skills with me and their female partner. Also, married couples often have kids, full time jobs and really not all that much time to date, even tho they are on ok cupid posting away about wanting another person in their life.

This is exactly what happened in my situation! I was dating a guy who was part of a poly couple (I'd never heard of polyamory until I met him online). I raised concerns at the very beginning about how did one find time to fit everyone/everything in in terms of the relationship, children, jobs, etc. and was assured that it was do-able. Eleven months down the road and a move to live closer to them (by mutual agreement), he decides that although he loves me, his life is just too busy to commit to seeing me even once a week. He wanted to continue seeing me if and when it worked out for him. I told him from the beginning that I didn't want to be a secondary, and this type of arrangement would feel very secondary to me. I wasn't interested. I'm still recovering from the pain of this loss. :(
 
For me personally I was a unicorn hunter in the beginning. It was releasing myself from the "seeking" side that allowed me to find so much of what I now have. The freedom to be flexible in what I want brought me the woman I love.

I believe, couples seeking couples fall under the false belief that it will help with jealousy and time issues. This again falls under the belief that it will make all things equal. One thing I have experience and witnessed, nothing is perfectly equal. A triad is usually scalene and a quad is usually more polygonal. In the end the configuration won't help those problems. Only the individuals will. :)
 
I happen to think that a quad living situation would be ideal for us.

However, I don't think that it's necessary for our lovers to be "shared". While I am bi-Maca is certainly not. Furthermore, we often have different tastes in women!

Ironically, at the moment, he is pretty serious with a FWB. They've been seeing one another when possible (some significant restrictions on time due to opposite work schedules and family responsibilities) for nearly a year now.
I find her AMAZINGLY beautiful, intelligent and adorable. I like her A LOT. I could totally see myself falling in love with her also if we were to live together.

But, I'm not willing to allow my emotions to run wild with someone I know I can't be sure I'll see once a month! I'm a bit more... needy. ;)

SO, he has this lovely FWB.
I have a wonderful bf.

I'm friends with his FWB and working on getting to know her even better.
He's well-acquainted with my bf (we all lived together for 10 years), but wouldn't say they are "friends". Maca's working on resolving the possessiveness issues that arise when facing the reality of my bf. shrug....


I think a lot of people get stuck in looking for "my idea" or "our ideal" and forget that they're dealing with people.

It's possible you could find an amazing single girlfriend and then someday add the perfect man to the group to create the perfect "quad" (or vice versa). But, only if you aren't stuck on ONLY accepting couples as potentials...
 
sigh... LR, it's so rough you and maca and GG lived together for 10 (!) years and maca never got a handle on his jealousy/possessiveness. Yet there he is with a girlfriend himself! Argh.
 
sigh... LR, it's so rough you and maca and GG lived together for 10 (!) years and maca never got a handle on his jealousy/possessiveness. Yet there he is with a girlfriend himself! Argh.

Yes, that's tough. I admit, LR, I was quite surprised to read that he's been involved with her for almost a year.
 
I just find this all to be very curious... because I feel it's hard enough to find ONE person with whom I connect, and especially find another couple with whom my husband will find the wife attractive or connect with her. To me, dating another couple would feel too much like "swinging" or "wife swapping" (of which I am not opposed, it just has no interest for me) and I'd rather have my own relationships.

A huge reason as to why I am poly, is that it allows me to branch BEYOND my husband and create my own relationships and connections... if we were to "share" another couple (even if that meant me being with the man and him being with the woman), it would just feel like a continuation of our marriage.

I don't have anything against couples who date couples... just curious as to whether people have had success in it. I totally can see why a single might want a couple... more people to love and share the connection with - just having a hard time wrapping my head around couples with couples?

However, these have been some great answers!
 
Yes, that's tough. I admit, LR, I was quite surprised to read that he's been involved with her for almost a year.

sigh... LR, it's so rough you and maca and GG lived together for 10 (!) years and maca never got a handle on his jealousy/possessiveness. Yet there he is with a girlfriend himself! Argh.

Shrug,
She's a dream.
We all have work to do.
Not for this thread. ;)
June will be a year.
 
I don't have anything against couples who date couples... just curious as to whether people have had success in it. I totally can see why a single might want a couple... more people to love and share the connection with - just having a hard time wrapping my head around couples with couples?

Yes, why would a couple want an unicorn? That's been discussed a lot, but I think one strong reason is that it does feel like a continuation of the marriage/established relationship and thus less foreign and threatening.

I've had people tell me 'it's you or it's no one - if thinks don't work out with you we are not even interested in poly'. Then they stop contacting me and I'm left wondering as to why? Too threatening? I'm going with too threatening. We want so many things that we would be scared shitless to actually have.
 
Um, I am (fem part of) a MF couple who would want to date another couple. I am open to other ideas & I will not let my expectations get in the way of reality & what really ends up happening as long as it is making me happy.

I just want to say that theoretically it would work nicely for us. Sexually, (im bisexual). Emotionally, we do want to extend the commitment of our "primary" relationship to form a stable situation to form a family. We want to be involved, not separated with others. I realize that is a little different than some people's approach which is fine with me; to each his own & each their own choice.

To me, dating another couple would be totally different than swinging. I would be dating & having a relationship with up to three people, not just casual sex. I know that everyone has some issues, but we are looking for a couple that is similar to us, stable, loving, open-minded & fun. I think the jealousy & insecurity issues can crop up with anyone, & that is not a "couples" issue, its a personal issue for everyone to deal with on some level.

I do think that setting up as stable a structure as possible is a good idea. Any relationship such as a couple, triad, quad, (or any dynamic where all the people are interacting with the others ) has much more potential structure to encourage stability than a V, or N dynamic where there is room for misunderstanding, miscommunication, third wheel, left out of the loop, considered secondary not primary etc etc...

That being said, I agree that humans can't be turned into math problems, nor can it be said that there are not some very stable V & N relationships. In my opinion those relationships require respect for & from every individual involved as well as for the multiple relationships involved as well. In a quad dynamic, that respect for the individual as well as the couples relationships are (hopefully) granted, leaving less to be figured out. Unfortunately, we haven't found what we are looking for exactly, but figuring out what would work best for us, helps us know what things we are definitely looking for, and which things Could be negotiated or compromised on to make everyone involved happy/content/needs met. Thats my two cents, sorry to be devils advocate ;)
 
Senga,
Don't be "sorry". LT and myself have had numerous relationships with couples. They have all worked in their own way. Unfortunatly, they have all lasted about 3-4 years each. We have found it easier to have a relationship like that because then everyone has someone safe that they can discuss "problems" with. Whereas, a single person seems to be stressing all the time. Mind you, this is just OUR experience. ;)
 
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