Searching or Happenstance?

redsirenn

New member
Hey again -
I have another wormy thought that I have been trying to work through and can't seem to come to a conclusion about.

I find myself truly weirded out by the thought of me or O actively "looking for someone" outside of the relationship. I am comfortable with being open to "whatever happens", however.

Actively searching a room to seek out attractive people, online dating sites, etc. Just rub me the the wrong way.

I suppose it is a result of some insecurity - like "Hey! I am right here! What about me! etc."

I feel like I should just chill the fuck out - but this twiggy little worm won't leave me alone.
 
I feel the same way. Especially about dating sites. It's too much like shopping. I like for things to develop naturally. I do have on line profiles I just tend not to use them. It's not my thing. It's ok to just be open to things developping. The right person will come along that way for you if that's how it's going to work for you. Have faith in the universe to bring you what you need.

-Derby
 
I would agree. I have profiles on okcupid and fetlife. I think I might even have one on polymatchmaker. However I am running out of room to let things happen naturally haha. There are only so many people in a town of 20 somethings willing to date SINGLE 30 somethings, let alone ones that come with a wife. My options are to branch out into Vancouver which has its own limitations (time and distance)...

I am left to searching, posting and hoping someone semi close is piqued. I have met people online in the past (one of my best friends actually) so who knows maybe it can work. But at this point my best "relationships" have always been in person and up front.
 
I'm totally down with not "looking" too. My whole thing is about re-connecting with people I already know from my past and realizing that just because I'm married, it doesn't pre-clude those other relationships from evolving in a certain direction.

However, I am still open to the possibility that one of us could meet someone new that we'd like... but I don't have any profiles on any dating sites, and I'm certainly not on THIS forum trying to find someone to date (I have made a few friends on here though, so you never know where things may go down the road).
 
Ok. I agree with that for myself.

What about the weirdness with a partner actively looking? Do any of you experience that?

RS
 
Honestly it makes me nuts, but different strokes for different folks. It took me a long time to let that one go, but I have now.
 
What about the weirdness with a partner actively looking? Do any of you experience that?

RS

All I have to say is that when I met my husband or any of the other people that I've had "relation-ship" with, I was not actively looking then, either. So, I say to myself, why should it be any different now?

So I guess the answer is "no, I do not experience the weirdness, but if it happened, then I suppose it would feel weird". Not because of the "poly" factor, but because of the "actively looking" factor.

I think you are well within the territory of "normal" for experiencing the weirdness in this. I'm not sure what you can do about it though.
 
The idea of one partner going out to "look for more love/sex/relationships" indicates that there is something missing to me. I am much more in tune with the idea of love/relationships occurring naturally.
 
The idea of one partner going out to "look for more love/sex/relationships" indicates that there is something missing to me. I am much more in tune with the idea of love/relationships occurring naturally.

I thought you and redpepper met through a dating site, which to me implies "looking for".
 
I thought you and redpepper met through a dating site, which to me implies "looking for".

Yup :)


She was looking for more relationships and I was looking for women just to use for sex.

Look at us now:)
 
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She was looking for more relationships and I was looking for women just to use for sex.

Look at us now:)


OK, but would you say that she was looking because something was missing from her relationship with Nerdist? Because that is what it seems to imply in what you said up there just now:

The idea of one partner going out to "look for more love/sex/relationships" indicates that there is something missing to me. I am much more in tune with the idea of love/relationships occurring naturally.


I'm not trying to be a jerk; I'm trying to understand. Your words just contradicted something that you know to be otherwise in your very own experience.

Explain pls.
 
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OK, but would you say that she was looking because something was missing from her relationship with Nerdist? Because that is what it seems to imply in what you said up there just now:

That's for her to say, not me.

I'm not trying to be a jerk; I'm trying to understand. Your words just contradicted something that you know to be otherwise in your very own experience.

Explain pls.

No worries my friend, but I'm not sure what you mean by that . Where's the contradiction?
 
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looking vs. non-looking

I have a ad on one site, and I talk to a few people on that site. I look at profiles, and enjoy chatting to new people.

I don`t have profiles on any other site. I just don`t feel any urge. ***update,..ok,..that changed.***

Past that, I have no interest in the meet-n-greet type of poly settings/parties. I have met people from online, on a individual basis, but the meets always feel like a 'meet/meat' market to me.

So I guess,... to each their own ? Might just be a personality/previous experiences type of thing.

I have just started to 'see' someone whom I initially met online. It is still in its infancy, but I don`t believe there is anything about him, that is 'missing' from my primary partner, that I seek. I see it as icing on a great cake, not a cake that needs filler, to taste good.
 
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I think this has to have a lot of variation depending on where someone is at with their current life. How busy, how "full" as we often refer to it etc.

I think it's hard to draw a line between "looking" (actively in some way) and being open and aware.

There seems to be lulls- quiet periods - in any relationships where everyone becomes part of a conversation such as - "you know - it might be nice IF....." - and you can fill in the "if" appropriately.

When these points occur - these conversations come up - it just seems to put everyone into some heightened state of awareness of other potential connections.

Is this "looking" - I suppose so in some form.
Is it because of some "lack" - well I suppose someone might define it that way too. But in reality I don't think it's quite like that. It just seems to be more like - well I have these fries here - maybe some ketchup would go nicely too.........

:)

GS
 
Good discussion!! I am single and live alone, but I have 4 male lovers and one female lover. I have known Steven for 10 years- met him at a convention. I've known John for 11 years- met him at Home Depot! I've known Richard for 6 years- met him on a dating site. And I've known Charles for 8 months- met him in a bar-(he met his primary partner on a dating site though). I've known Katherine for 2 years.....met her at my own house- at a New Years Eve Party!
Life just kinda happens and dating sites are part of it for me, but not everything!!
 
I'm on fetlife to connect with other people in that lifestyle. I joined okc hoping to meet other poly people just to connect with and share a common and rare interest.

I've never found anything by looking for it, from common household objects to true love. But whenever I've had the sense to quit looking for something, it's usually fallen right into my lap.
 
I looked at length in many places for Mono. I dated three guys a week for about four months steadily. It was like getting to the end of a marathon not knowing where it ended or when.

My thought was, "we decided to get back on the horse (poly) so lets riiiiide!" :D

I just enjoyed the ride and let it get us started. I met several people on line that I now hang out with and it started me up with the whole community here. I have some crappy stories about on-line dating, but I didn't let it discourage me and I didn't take it too seriously. I was just curious.

Of course my husband has had a different experience in that, in that he is male. I had tons of attention, he has next to none. Totally different thing... men seem to have a hard time meeting anyone.
 
Of course my husband has had a different experience in that, in that he is male. I had tons of attention, he has next to none. Totally different thing... men seem to have a hard time meeting anyone.

I'm going to list that as the understatement of the month! :)
 
No worries my friend, but I'm not sure what you mean by that . Where's the contradiction?


The contradiction was here:

The idea of one partner going out to "look for more love/sex/relationships" indicates that there is something missing to me. I am much more in tune with the idea of love/relationships occurring naturally.

and here:

She was looking for more relationships and I was looking for women just to use for sex.

Look at us now:)

So, am I to understand that what you meant is that although you are "in tune" with things "occurring naturally", that it did in fact happen the other way for you two? I realize that you may have been speaking with irony in your tone of voice. That is why I said "Pls explain". It's better if I just ask you to explain rather than playing 20-questions.
 
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