Ugh. So frustrating

Magdlyn

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In spring of 09 I met this guy on okc and we really hit it off. He lives in the next state north of me, about my age, and is bisexual, a bit kinky, and a married poly man. (2nd marriage, only married 5 yrs.) Also quite attractive in a hippyish way, fit, has long hair that looks good on him, great smile, nice teeth. He's literate, works as a copy editor for several book publishers.

We start to chat regularly. He's all cool w me having my gf, and I find out he has 3 lovers besides his wife: a MF couple, and a genderqueer person. They are all long distance relationships.

He and I chat about all different things, our kids are similar ages, so we had that in common. We talk of pagan events, genderqueer issues, and more mundane things.

There's a definite attraction between us, so in October we met. He has a house in a small city and a mobile home he owned from before his marriage. We meet at the trailer. Since we'd known each other months at that point, we eagerly have sex, then go out for a late lunch and a walk in nature.

After our date, i found out he had not yet told his wife about me. Very weird, since they are poly. I just didnt know what to make of that.

So he told her and she flipped and they did some therapy around it all. Then more shit hit the fan. He was laid off from his job, and they told me he had to take a break from seeing me b/c he needed to concentrate on finding more work. They were in danger of losing their house.

So, I let the winter and spring go by. Figuring they worked out the trust issue around his neglecting to tell her about me before our first date.
We had all kinds of ims between the 3 of us. Finally he felt embarrassed he's messed things up from the start, and sent me back earrings I'd left at the trailer on the first date, w a nice note of apology. But he also told me he thought of me often at pagan or queer events they went to. Also, his wife had told me she liked me, and wanted a "grrrl" back in their lives.
 
Meanwhile he got a job driving a taxi, and also kept finding freelance editing work. His wife had been afraid our NRE would interfere with him finding work...

So, I said I forgave him for his mistake early on, and was willing to drive up and meet with both of them. I did that last week and it was great. We had a Chinese lunch, swam in a picturesque small river, had coffee before I left. He and I played it cool. I figured I was auditioning for the role and just was friendly and chatty. Brought them a box of fancy cookies as a hostess gift.

He and I hugged a couple times throughout the day. We hadnt seen each other in 10 months! While we drank coffee in the kitchen, he let his leg touch mine, and when I left he gave me one more big hug and a small french kiss.

So! I thought it went well, hoped I passed the audition.

Silly me. A few days later he imed me and we talked of how great it was to see each other again. While we were chatting, he said his wife came in and was reading over his shoulder. Then she got on, took his place and said she thought I was coming there for "closure", not to pursue a relationship w him. Even tho the IM where he and I discussed still being interested in each other, he had told me he'd c+p it and send it to her and discuss it, seems she didnt get that part. Fuck. Ugh.

We hadnt really discussed poly issues on the "date." At one point he did try to bring it up. When we got out of the river and were drying off, he asked us, so what do you think of this friendship thing? I looked to her and she said, "I havent even been thinking about that. I'm just enjoying the day."

Grrr. So it seems they have very bad communication skills for a poly couple. Even tho he has those 3 other lovers, and has told me he has had a cpl casual sex dates w men just recently, somehow I am damaged goods and she finds me threatening? They had certaibly not rebuilt trust around his earlier mistake. I think he's afraid of her. It's more like she's the mom and he's the bumbling kid, or an unstructured D/s relationship.

It's all just so disappointing.

Dating has become so tiring.
 
Poor communication is everywhere and it happens. Sorry to hear about your frustrations...

Maybe she doesn't find you damaged goods, but a threat due to your strength. If she is the mom in some ways, she might not mind having "kids", but not competition.
 
Thank you for the feedback, Ari. I'm just floundering here. Kind of grieving.
 
I'm going to agree with Ari's assessment.

It sounds more like she's threatened by a strong, intellegent personality...

Dating sucks. And it sucks even more when people don't know how to communicate, are afraid of communicating or think they're getting their message across effectively when they're not. I know - I've found myself in all three catagories lately.... and that's with my husband and friends...

(((HUGS)))
 
I haven't heard from L in a week now. It's making me kind of depressed. He's just left me hanging and I feel like I am in limbo.
 
Sorry, Magdlyn. I hate it when crap like this happens. And it's not much help that you're being honest and open with who you are and what you want, but the miscommunication between the two of them seems to have pretty effectively screwed the pooch here.

Can you approach her directly and maybe come to some clarity and agreement?

*more hugs*
 
Ah, thanks, Fidelia. I emailed him on Saturday. If I don't hear back today, I guess I'll try the wife tomorrow.

This all sucks extra bad, because I've recently started to feel less satisfied with my boytoys and been wanting a more full relationship with a man. Thought he was The One.
 
Dating blows. I'm sorry. Maybe it's because you're not in a relationship with a man? Like you have a girlfriend and that's all good but you don't have a MAN so maybe she's worried about cowgirlism?
 
Well, I had that concern months ago and that was one of the things we addressed in earlier IM convos. Again and again, I have said I have no need or desire to "lure L away" from her. I'm deeply in love with and committed to my gf and just want a secondary (preferably w/ a penis, lol). Oddly, in L's okc profile, he says:

Our ideal household would be a big multi-family house where everyone is lovingly involved--a kind of poly intentional community.

"Our ideal." And yet, his wife can't even get her mind around including me in their lives? WTH?
 
People have fantasies about their "ideal situation" but then reality hits and they can't deal with the fact that people are PEOPLE and not abstract concepts.
 
Yesterday I wrote to her.
Hi M,

I've written to [your husband] a couple times since we all met and have had no response at all. So I thought I'd give this one last shot and contact you.

I am in the dark as to where I fit in your lives right now. I am guessing I am not welcome. This saddens me, as [your husband] and I have been good online friends, if nothing else, for quite some time now, and I miss his presence and support in my life, even if nothing more fully realized comes out of our connection.

This lack of communication has got me pretty down. I feel rather depressed about it. I wish I could get more information from one or both of you as to what is going on. I feel disrespected.

If you two are struggling with poly boundaries and just don't see adding a new lover to your "family" right now, that's fine. I just wish someone would let me know one way or the other so I can move on and heal my heart. Thank you.

Mags

Ball's in their court. I am not optimistic. It's been 2 weeks now since we met, and I am getting used to the idea it might all be over, and I've even lost a good friend, never mind a lusty sex partner.
 
It's just not grooovy that he hasn't responded. He should at least have sent you a short, "I received your message, thanks. I will respond if and when I feel ready. Please do what you need to do and don't worry about me; I'm ok for now."
 
People have fantasies about their "ideal situation" but then reality hits and they can't deal with the fact that people are PEOPLE and not abstract concepts.


Yeah. There is always a big difference between the "ideal situation" and a real live someone in your living room wearing PJs, eating fruit loops, and watching animal planet(not saying anyone on this thread wears PJs, eats fruit loops, or watches animal planet).
 
Yeah. There is always a big difference between the "ideal situation" and a real live someone in your living room wearing PJs, eating fruit loops, and watching animal planet(not saying anyone on this thread wears PJs, eats fruit loops, or watches animal planet).

I bet they are a few cards shy of a full deck when it comes to the "big multi-family house", too, but I'll be the first to admit that I base that entirely on assumption, conjecture, and complete and total LACK of information.

It's probably still the case, though. I'm a good guesser.
 
I'm sorry to hear that Magdlyn...sounds like you tried to show the wife that you would be a great partner and didn't sound like you came off threatening to her, with your meeting...I hope you do hear from him/or them soon, it's not very fair to keep you in limbo like that. Try and keep your chin up...:) Candi
 
Another thought occured to me...

If neither of them answers you in a reasonable amount of time, that in and of itself may be an answer. Not a good answer or one that reflects well on them, but an answer.
 
I bet they are a few cards shy of a full deck when it comes to the "big multi-family house", too, but I'll be the first to admit that I base that entirely on assumption, conjecture, and complete and total LACK of information.

It's probably still the case, though. I'm a good guesser.

haha, no actually, they really do own the house. 100 year old house, 3 floors. I was there. I don't blame you for wondering tho.:cool:
 
I'm sorry to hear that Magdlyn...sounds like you tried to show the wife that you would be a great partner and didn't sound like you came off threatening to her, with your meeting...I hope you do hear from him/or them soon, it's not very fair to keep you in limbo like that. Try and keep your chin up...:) Candi

Aww, thanks, Candi!

If neither of them answers you in a reasonable amount of time, that in and of itself may be an answer. Not a good answer or one that reflects well on them, but an answer.

Yeah, I know. I havent heard back since I emailed her yesterday. Maybe I never will. Maybe in a month he'll muster the courage to email me and tell me it's never gonna happen. I'm starting to get that feeling at this point anyway.
 
haha, no actually, they really do own the house. 100 year old house, 3 floors. I was there. I don't blame you for wondering tho.:cool:

Well it sounds like you just didn't measure up to their quality-control system, or something like that. Maybe they should start doing more rigorous background checks.

Or better yet, just write these people off and find something better. Utopia is over-rated.
 
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