Just something that I was thinking about today. How do you know where your line is? When you go over it? When you don't take your own needs into consideration enough in order not to be selfish?
Noise regulations are in place for the exact reason of it not being clear.Think of it this way: you have the right to listen to your music as loud as you want, but that right ends with my right to enjoy my peace and quiet. Unfortunately, we need sound ordinances and "quiet hours" because some people can't seem to figure out that they share a planet with 7+ billion other people.
Now take all that, and apply it to your relationships: are you a loud music type? Or a quiet-hour type?
If you tell me to "just wear earplugs", the conversation is forfeited.
Noise regulations are in place for the exact reason of it not being clear.
I have the right to throw my music into your ear holes all I wish, up to certain volumes and certain times.
I'll happily use those levels and times up to the very point of allowance. =]
I think GalaGirl made the point best. Certainly better than I would have.
Think of it this way: you have the right to listen to your music as loud as you want, but that right ends with my right to enjoy my peace and quiet. Unfortunately, we need sound ordinances and "quiet hours" because some people can't seem to figure out that they share a planet with 7+ billion other people.
Now take all that, and apply it to your relationships: are you a loud music type? Or a quiet-hour type?
If you tell me to "just wear earplugs", the conversation is forfeited.
I've noticed that people who worry a lot about being considered selfish often struggle with boundaries - both setting one's own boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others. If you don't feel like you have the right to set a boundary for yourself, or don't expect others to respect your boundaries, then it can be hard to have a strong sense of self, to know where 'you' end and others begin. I consider boundary setting and respecting (as well as negotiating boundaries) to be a critical adult skill .
pollyanna said:I think 'do unto others'...is still a good policy.
sandra said:So far our relationship model has been to put the needs and wants of the other person ahead of our own. This worked for us, because we both did the same thing, so it balanced out very well for us.
Adding a new person to the mix and it becomes more difficult. I realized that I'm still in the mode of putting my husbands needs and wants (and therefor hers) before my own. It is something I'll work on, because you are right, I have to set my own boundaries.
opalescent said:What I think people mean when they say someone is selfish is that the person is not doing something they want them to do, is not meeting their needs.
I don't really get the question - I mean I understand it just fine. But on another level, I just don't get what is so wrong about being selfish. What I think people mean when they say someone is selfish is that the person is not doing something they want them to do, is not meeting their needs.
Marcus said:Example: My boyfriend is dating another girl but I don't like it. I lay awake at night when he is with her and I weep until I can't feel my face. I don't say anything because I want him to be happy... look how much I'm sacrificing, aren't I awesome??
No matter what I end up wanting for, I always feel selfish for wanting it. Like I'm somehow not deserving of it or should not be expecting it. I have a really difficult time articulating my needs and usually end up holding back until it blows up.
I think "Golden rule" is a good back up policy if I don't know how to "platinum rule" the person yet. But I think it is better to ASK them so I can go with their platinum rule and "treat the person how THEY want to be treated" by me. That is even better than golden rule -- "treating the person how I want to be treated."
Because I could not assume they want, need or like the things I do. They are not ME. Part of the whole "get to know you" process.
I might like DH bringing me (coffee with cream and sugar.) But if I try to give him a golden rule (coffee, cream, sugar) because that is what I like? Instead if bringing him a platinum rule (sugar, black)? He will look at me really funny and not drink it. We are both better off if I get him a (sugar, black). Then we are both doing platinum rule toward each other. Treating the other one how THEY want to be treated.
I might like DH bringing me (coffee with cream and sugar.) But if I try to give him a golden rule (coffee, cream, sugar) because that is what I like? Instead if bringing him a platinum rule (sugar, black)? He will look at me really funny and not drink it. We are both better off if I get him a (sugar, black). Then we are both doing platinum rule toward each other. Treating the other one how THEY want to be treated.