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Old 08-24-2011, 10:26 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I don't understand the problem people have with polyfidelity. It's not the same as monogamy, come on. I wouldn't even view it as a relationship structure in the same way that polyamory or monogamy are. It simply describes an approach to poly that limits the number of people (and juices exchanged) within the group.

What is the problem with that, if all involved are happy to have such commitments to be faithful to everyone in that way? Sure, go ahead and be polyamorous AND be open, nothing wrong with that -- but why group polyfidelity with monogamy and view it as less than the real deal? Poppycock.

People who think that poly must mean random fucking around whenever and wherever possible are deluded, and to claim that polyfidelity is not really polyamory, or that it is the same as monogamy, is ridiculous. Maybe they are just afraid to stand still and feel whatever tender or difficult emotions arise within the relationships they've got right now, so they tell themselves that polyfidelity is too restrictive and that having the option to keep going around and banging everyone they can gives them a sense of freedom. They likely never get too deeply involved with anyone and just juggle lots of relationships that don't have much beyond the surface of lust and attraction. Actually less of a risk than fidelity.

One can have a sense of freedom in any relationship. Yes -- gasp! -- even monogamous ones. The number of people involved or the avoidance of limits doesn't make it so, it's the work that is done on a personal level and the willingness to look at and handle any agreements made, that gives us our autonomy, identity, and freedom. I had a teacher who used to call it "freedom within the harness." We all have boundaries and restrictions in our lives, but it's how we conduct ourselves, and the perspectives we take when we see ourselves within those containers that make us either victors or victims.

Remember, a commune of 20 or more can be polyfidelitous; that doesn't even closely resemble monogamy. It seems that those people just bristle at the idea of any kind of commitment or closed framework. What about when you feel you are very satisfied with the loves in your life, and have no need to keep expanding? Poly peeps who choose to make vows of faithfulness to a limited number of people, and honor them, are able to keep deepening their love for their partners and are no less poly because of it. They are still engaged in multiple, loving relationships! Geez, it's a challenge to invest in intimate relationships and there's a lot to be said for committing to develop one's self-growth and self-esteem, being loving, and honing relationship skills in the manner one can handle it, whether it's within one relationship, two, three, or more.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 08-25-2011 at 07:28 AM.
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