ConfusedFeelings
New member
Hello!
I am new to this forum and hope I can find some advice here.
Sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker and not so fluent at it, but I hope I can still make myself understandable.
Me (24) and my gf (21years) have been together for 4 years. We've always had a great relationship, very good intimate sex, a deep "spiritual" connection, and a lot in common.
My gf is very attractive, usually a very open-minded, spiritual and self-confident person. She loves to sozialise and has also always been very adventurous in bed. I am more of an introverted average-looking guy, who doesn't socialize so much.
I've always been interested in having a poly-relationship, but have never told my gf of it. My gf is my first "serious" gf, and I really can't describe how much I love her. I simply cannot imagine not being together with her anymore, but we've had quite serious problems in the last months.
During the past year, my wanting for a open relationship and sex outside the relationship has become very much stronger. So I decided about 7 months ago to bring up the topic. I started "slowly", trying to introduce her to the topic, but I never really felt so positive resonance, so one time, I was very honest to her and told her "explicitely" that I have a desire to sleep with other women, or also eventually develop "more-than-only-sexual"-relationships with other women.
She was completely devastated about this. I noticed that she really tried to react "nicely", to show understanding, etc. but I feel like ever since I told her this, she's been going through immense pain and suffering, and I just cannot get through to her anymore. I feel SO bad about doing this to her. She didn't talk about it often, but I noticed that she VERY often cried secretly, and she has changed SO much every since. She was thin before already, but she just lost so much weight in the last month, and seems so depressive all the time, whilst she used to be a very positive person...
Our relationship has really gotten so much worse in the last months... She is distancing herself a lot, doesn't talk about her feelings... She says, she loves me too much to leave me but that this situation "destroys" her. She says she knows that I love her, and says she "believes that I can love several people at once without loving her less" but that she doesn't want that "kind" of love, and that it is against her nature. She has read very much about polyamory, many books, she's been to a psychologist... I have the feeling that she actually "wants" to become poly for me (so that she doesn't lose me), but is still more than hostile towards the idea. She finds the concept itself interesting, and has nothing against it "per se", but finds it "humiliating" for herself. However, she has so far never made an "ultimatum". I tried not to push too much either.
The thing is that leaving my gf would seem like the most stupid thing I could do. I have never met such a wonderful woman in my whole life before. But I STILL feel this desire for sex (and more?) with other women. I would like to tell my gf, that we can just stay mono, but I am afraid that in some years, my desire will just be too much and then I'll hurt her even more. Wouldn't it be better to end it now then?
And do you think there is any chance of making my gf feel more comfortable with the whole idea?
Does it even make sense to continue, or do you think that there are just people who cannot live with poly-relationships, no matter what? My problem is (and I admit that) that I kind of think of polyamory as a "superior" form of a relationship. I think of polyamory as such a beautiful thing and can't fully understand how it can cause so much pain for my gf. She says, it's not the jealousy she has trouble dealing with, but that I "desecrated" our sexuality, that a "bond" has broken, etc. Can anyone relate to that?
Thanks a lot for reading!
I am new to this forum and hope I can find some advice here.
Sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker and not so fluent at it, but I hope I can still make myself understandable.
Me (24) and my gf (21years) have been together for 4 years. We've always had a great relationship, very good intimate sex, a deep "spiritual" connection, and a lot in common.
My gf is very attractive, usually a very open-minded, spiritual and self-confident person. She loves to sozialise and has also always been very adventurous in bed. I am more of an introverted average-looking guy, who doesn't socialize so much.
I've always been interested in having a poly-relationship, but have never told my gf of it. My gf is my first "serious" gf, and I really can't describe how much I love her. I simply cannot imagine not being together with her anymore, but we've had quite serious problems in the last months.
During the past year, my wanting for a open relationship and sex outside the relationship has become very much stronger. So I decided about 7 months ago to bring up the topic. I started "slowly", trying to introduce her to the topic, but I never really felt so positive resonance, so one time, I was very honest to her and told her "explicitely" that I have a desire to sleep with other women, or also eventually develop "more-than-only-sexual"-relationships with other women.
She was completely devastated about this. I noticed that she really tried to react "nicely", to show understanding, etc. but I feel like ever since I told her this, she's been going through immense pain and suffering, and I just cannot get through to her anymore. I feel SO bad about doing this to her. She didn't talk about it often, but I noticed that she VERY often cried secretly, and she has changed SO much every since. She was thin before already, but she just lost so much weight in the last month, and seems so depressive all the time, whilst she used to be a very positive person...
Our relationship has really gotten so much worse in the last months... She is distancing herself a lot, doesn't talk about her feelings... She says, she loves me too much to leave me but that this situation "destroys" her. She says she knows that I love her, and says she "believes that I can love several people at once without loving her less" but that she doesn't want that "kind" of love, and that it is against her nature. She has read very much about polyamory, many books, she's been to a psychologist... I have the feeling that she actually "wants" to become poly for me (so that she doesn't lose me), but is still more than hostile towards the idea. She finds the concept itself interesting, and has nothing against it "per se", but finds it "humiliating" for herself. However, she has so far never made an "ultimatum". I tried not to push too much either.
The thing is that leaving my gf would seem like the most stupid thing I could do. I have never met such a wonderful woman in my whole life before. But I STILL feel this desire for sex (and more?) with other women. I would like to tell my gf, that we can just stay mono, but I am afraid that in some years, my desire will just be too much and then I'll hurt her even more. Wouldn't it be better to end it now then?
And do you think there is any chance of making my gf feel more comfortable with the whole idea?
Does it even make sense to continue, or do you think that there are just people who cannot live with poly-relationships, no matter what? My problem is (and I admit that) that I kind of think of polyamory as a "superior" form of a relationship. I think of polyamory as such a beautiful thing and can't fully understand how it can cause so much pain for my gf. She says, it's not the jealousy she has trouble dealing with, but that I "desecrated" our sexuality, that a "bond" has broken, etc. Can anyone relate to that?
Thanks a lot for reading!