From Mono to Poly

sage

New member
I recently put up a survey on the yahoo mono/poly and poly/mono boards. The results were very interesting.It's still going on so I haven't collated it yet but there is a very disturbing trend.

Monos in poly relationships are generally not very happy, no matter how hard they work at it, not in the first 10 years anyway. Likewise for polys not able to be themselves. The happiest monos in mono/poly relationships are those where their partner is not active or only active in a very limited way. The happiest polys in poly/mono relationships are those with active polyamorous relationships.

Why am I surprised? Because on those boards we are all very supportive, but when you tease out what is really going on, we are able to be supportive to others when it isn't happening in a big way for us.

I don't want my relationship to struggle long term. Z is less able to work on himself than I am and is already deeply in love with his OSO. Therefore should I explore poly for the sake of our relationship? I know I can love more than one person because I have before. Because I haven't personally needed it in this relationship I have always dismissed it as being too time-consuming and emotionally challenging. But am I copping out? Maybe the healthiest thing for our relationship is for me to give it a go?

There is a guy I am attracted to and my reluctance comes down to knowing all the potential dramas that come up. But maybe it is about pushing through those fears to make what I have with Z more comfortable for me and freer for him?

Your thoughts would be appreciated.
 
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Because I haven't personally needed it in this relationship I have always dismissed it as being too time-consuming and emotionally challenging. But am I copping out? Maybe the healthiest thing for our relationship is for me to give it a go?

There is a guy I am attracted to and my reluctance comes down to knowing all the potential dramas that come up. But maybe it is about pushing through those fears to make what I have with Z more comfortable for me and freer for him?

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Fist thing that comes to my mind is this: although you say you know "all the potential dramas that come up," the key word is potential. There may not be the dramas you think. Maybe other issues will pop up. Maybe it will be drama-free and easy. You really don't know what will come up.

But what will you create?

I mean, I see it all the time, people say, "Oh, I know it'll be hard for me" or "I know I'll feel X" and they limit their life experiences because they're basically making predictions and avoiding what they really are just assuming will happen. And they're living in fear.

We don't know what will happen unless we take a chance.

To bring back a popular saying from my youth: if it feels good, do it.
 
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Thanks NYC

Yes exactly that was the realisation I had this morning. All the "potentials" are putting me off. Maybe this is the next growth step for me and I should just open my mind to it. Bottom line most monos (I know there are a few exceptions), only ever get to a place of tolerance at best and I want more than that for my relationship.
 
Monos in poly relationships are generally not very happy, no matter how hard they work at it, not in the first 10 years anyway. Likewise for polys not able to be themselves. The happiest monos in mono/poly relationships are those where their partner is not active or only active in a very limited way. The happiest polys in poly/mono relationships are those with active polyamorous relationships.

.

I would have expected no different results. Great poll BTW! Seriously, I am completely unsurprised by your observations. Hence why I discourage the pursuit of mono/poly relationships before deep emotions set in. Yes, there are rare ones that thrive but those are few and far between I believe. I consider my own mono/poly relationship to be a great success as far as four people being involved deeply and my own 100 percent embracing of it. But as you noticed above, and we all know, part of my full embracing of this is the limited nature of our poly tribe. So in this regard I see us as a relationship success more-so than a "poly" success (assuming a benchmark of poly success is the ability to let all relationships develop to whatever natural level they reach...something I doubt I will ever embrace unless my own nature changes and I find myself becoming less monogamous and needing/wanting more relationships for myself. Then perhaps I would fully understand things from RP's perspective)

Thanks for sharing this :)
 
. . . I discourage the pursuit of mono/poly relationships before deep emotions set in.
I'm confused by this statement. What do you mean? How do you pursue a relationship after deep emotions have developed? I mean, ya gotta start somewhere, it doesn't all happen by jumping into the middle of deep feelings. You would have to have something leading you there, so pursuing it before deep emotions begin only makes sense. Follow the yellow brick road, and all that... Have I misconstrued your meaning?
 
I'm confused by this statement. What do you mean? How do you pursue a relationship after deep emotions have developed??

Simply put...when someone says "I am poly and interested in or being pursued by a mono person" or "I am mono and interested in or being pursued by a poly person", my recommendation is to back away before love sets in.
 
If you are already in a deep relationship and one partner suddenly comes out as being mono or poly than you are in a much more difficult situation. You are now working towards maintaining a valuable established relationship between people that have a very different set of needs/wants to keep investing.
 
Oh, okay, I get it now. I think it was the word "pursue" that threw me.

Interesting viewpoint. Is it really so dire? I see your second example, actually, as being more ripe for success, though -- because the love is already there and that can make everything worthwhile.
 
Oh, okay, I get it now. I think it was the word "pursue" that threw me.

Interesting viewpoint. Is it really so dire? I see your second example, actually, as being more ripe for success, though -- because the love is already there and that can make everything worthwhile.

I think it is so dire especially depending on the experience level of the poly and mono person. If both have been able to fully receive love the same way they give it then they may be able to compromise easier. I met my mono needs in a past relationship. Without that background I wouldn't be able to achieve and experience the things I wanted to in my life.

While people in an established relationship will likely be much more willing to put the work into maintaining the relationship, there is probably more external pressures holding it together as well. That could be good or that could be the nature of an inescapable trap. Some people will force themselves to stay in an unhealthy relationship because of kids, retirement plans and the fear of ending up alone later in life.
 
I agree Mono about external pressures holding relationships together that should be let go.

The whole thing around not monos and polys not pursuing relationships is really tricky though. Poly makes sense to many monos on an intellectual level and I've even had polyamorous feelings myself, so I honestly didn't think it would bother me. But the emotional (and perhaps psychic and spiritual levels)are a whole different issue that you just can't understand until you actually are deeply involved.
 
Really interesting survey Sage, thanks for telling us about it :) It makes a whole lot of sense and has been my reality to cut back on activity to none in order to make sure Mono is able to be happy. So far I am happy with that too.
 
But the emotional (and perhaps psychic and spiritual levels)are a whole different issue that you just can't understand until you actually are deeply involved.

I agree and believe this is a source of conflict as each person's needs/wants can change in the face of deepening emotions. That happened to me. I went from being more accepting of an open poly approach during our dating phase to needing a less open approach in order to give RP the deeper type of commitment she wanted and I wanted to provide.

Her level of depth desired in the relationship evolved and my needs/wants to give that depth also evolved. Where we failed to plan was in realizing that this would happen. There is cause and affect.

That is the biggest message I try to express to monos if they are just starting a relationship with a poly person. What seems ok before you fall in love will likely change after you do. And then the poly person feels mislead because the mono seems to have changed the rules. All partners in this need to be aware that hypothesizing on reactions does not guarantee the actual reaction to real situations.
 
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This is kind of an older thread but I'm just finding it, and quite disheartened. The happy mono partner of an active poly is a rare thing? I'm in the position of realizing my poly nature many years into marriage with a staunchly mono man, and have been hoping for some kind of "happy medium" where my other relationships don't cross certain lines (like sex). Am I dooming my husband to discontent?

I kind of hoped if we kept talking about it, like for another decade or so (and then some), we'd end up in a place that works well for both of us. In one year we've made it to where he acknowledges my other loves, thinks it's a big flaw in my character, and doesn't want me physically intimate with them. And he HATES it when we talk about it this stuff!
 
I'm sorry I can't be more reassuring:( I'd love to be able to say something different). Even I was surprised at the outcome of the survey. But then we must remember that these forums do attract people who are struggling. Sagency says he knows of polymono relationships that work well.

I suggest you google "livingpolymono" . This is a yahoo group for people in your situation - polys with mono partners. It is a very supportive group and as well as people who are actively poly with mono partners there are inactive ones coping with partners who can't cope (as it were).

There is a lot of polymono posting on this forum at the moment and I had a big think about it on my walk. A lot of my problems stem from wondering whether this is something I should be committing the rest of my life to. In a way you are doing this as well, just from the opposite perspective. What came to me was that it should be a day-at-a-time proposition. Who knows what the future will bring. All we can really do is live each day to the best of our ability. This is our business. Beyond that is God's business.
 
I agree Sage...

All we can do is make the decisions that come to us in the moment. That doesn't mean we don't consider the ramifications of these decisions for the future. What it does mean though that in that moment, given all the considerations, what decision can you make.

Making decisions based on what might or might not happen is often a decision based on fear. Making the best decision you can that is most loving to yourself and those around you is the best you can do...

I'm also beginning to think that a poly person and a staunchly mono person are generally incompatible. If a mono person refuses to budge in any way in a relationship where the other has "realized" they are poly after years of being monogamous seems unlikely to work out. Also, if the poly person isn't prepared to compromise and allow time and space for the mono person to come to terms with things and see if they become more open to the poly dynamic of the relationship, it is equally unlikely to work out.

Perhaps a poly/mono relationship only works out (except in rare circumstances) ultimately when the mono becomes open to some degree to poly. Perhaps a pathway towards this is that they experiment a bit themselves, allow themselves some kind of other relationship be it emotional and/or sexual. I can imagine that this would be a real stretch for many monos to allow themselves to do this...

It seems that a once mono person that becomes poly has already moved in a new direction. If the other mono partner doesn't move at all for whatever reason, is the relationship ultimately doomed? Hmmm...
 
Ooooh a fellow Aussie, hi there.

Yes, I agree with you as well. I'm not staunchly mono and I've decided that if my partner wants to explore local poly relationships (he already has a long distance love), I will as well. It might not work but I'm tired of all the associated crap that goes along with being a mono in a poly relationship. Interestingly when I shared this with my partner he pulled back from the idea. While he likes the idea of having local poly relationships he isn't so keen on me having them. He would never stop me and I don't think he is particularly jealous but he doesn't like the idea of loosing time with me. Like so many others he favours a unicorn but we've tried that and it didn't work. He's keen to try again but pretty lazy so if I don't get proactive it isn't very likely to happen.

So after a pretty intensive few days on this forum I'm feeling better again. One day at a time is the key for me I think.:)
 
Thank you Sage. Your blog is really insightful. I read a tiny bit to my husband and he completely identified (feeling like the meat and potatoes, that was good!) so I suggested he read some more, but he's just not ready to think about it. I am going to step back for a while and just let things sink in. He knows I love two men besides him, he does not object to my friendships with them, and they both live at a distance, so for now I guess that's enough.
 
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