Mono females & poly lovers

GroundedSpirit

New member
This thread came about as a result of a conversation with a close friend & potential lover (female) the other day.

After reaching a point in our friendship that proposing 'more' seemed appropriate, I received the reaction that I more or less expected. i.e. "I'm a mono minded person but I totally respect your choices and no it will NOT change or affect our friendship".

And it dawned on me - remembering one of our frequent contributors here (Mono) - that it's entirely possible to be very happy being the 'mono' element of an otherwise poly relationship. To hold true to your own beliefs and needs while respecting & loving your lovers for their own personal choice.

So.............

Are there any other females participating here that are equiv ? Are you a mono female in a loving relationship with a poly person and very happy and content in your configuration ?

If so - how did you 'cross that line' ?
What reasoning did you discover that allowed you to see that your own wants and needs might be met regardless of a different set of needs in your partner ?

If an answer to this question emerged I think it could be great resource material for MANY poly folk struggling with the small pool of potential poly loves ?

Thanks for any feedback.

GS
 
Hi

There are a few things about your post I'm not quite clear on but I'll give it a go.

Yes I think I am what your asking about. A mono female in a poly relationship and there are definitely others who regularly contribute to this board. I don't quite understand what you mean by "crossing the line"? I started out as mono, I have played around with the idea of taking on other lovers (male and female) but my heart really isn't in it. My poly partner satisfies me and any other potential relationships that have come into my life have largely felt like shouldering a burden. Is this that what you mean? Getting to the place where you define yourself as mono? On the other hand I do like the idea that if a miraculously wonderful relationship did find its way into my life I would have the freedom to explore it. Does that mean I haven't quite crossed the line? I don't think so, it's just about being open to what the Universe decides to offer up.

The reasoning behind acceptance of differing needs Z feels enriched by other people in his life in an intimate way, whereas I feel drained. Well mostly drained. Let's say I haven't yet got enough out of another relationship to make it worthwhile pursuing. I have a very full life, there really isn't room for any more emotional entanglement. When I did decide to have a bit of an explore I was doing it because I thought it would ease the hurt I still carry around Z being poly. Maybe it was a process I had to go
through in order to cross the line you talk about into being comfortable as a mono in a poly relationship.

Z needs other women in his life, partly because he doesn't relate well to men on level beyond the superficial. I think this has something to do with being raised by a mother and older sister.

I am learning how to love myself.

Oh and I started a whole blog up for mono's in poly relationships. While there are only a few female monos on this forum there are lot of us out there. Most hang out on the mono/poly board at yahoo groups.
 
Great question GS! I hope to see this thread develop. Very interesting possibilities of discovery if the thread takes on life! Here's to hope!;)

Sage you know I love ya and your posts ALWAYS intrigue me and make me think, can you develop this a wee bit more for me...Z feels enriched by other people in his life in an intimate way, whereas I feel drained. Well mostly drained. What causes the drain? If you get what you need from Z, and he gets what he needs from you/whomever, where does the drain come into play? Is it reflective of you feeling Z should have the same mono need to have only one person fulfill all needs? Or is there some indirect drain on you personally because you feel also a part of Z's other relationship/s?
As always curiosity gets to me.:p
 
Great question GS! I hope to see this thread develop. Very interesting possibilities of discovery if the thread takes on life! Here's to hope!;)

Sage you know I love ya and your posts ALWAYS intrigue me and make me think, can you develop this a wee bit more for me...Z feels enriched by other people in his life in an intimate way, whereas I feel drained. Well mostly drained. What causes the drain? If you get what you need from Z, and he gets what he needs from you/whomever, where does the drain come into play? Is it reflective of you feeling Z should have the same mono need to have only one person fulfill all needs? Or is there some indirect drain on you personally because you feel also a part of Z's other relationship/s?
As always curiosity gets to me.:p

I took that statement to mean that sage would feel drained by having more than one intimate relationship in her life, not that Z's poly relationships drain sage.

But maybe I'm wrong! :p
 
Thanks for your interest MG and yes TP is right. I have so far felt drained by trying to engage in other intimate relationships myself. It is a bit like feeling totally satisfied by a beautiful dinner but forcing yourself to have a second dessert just because someone else is and it looks great. It doesn't add anything just makes you feel heavy and uncomfortable.

Whereas interestingly Z's SO does add something positive to our relationship. Usually anyway; she is very much "in the Now" and does have tendency to leave him hanging emotionally in mid-air (figuratively speaking) which does impact me a bit, but hey nothing is perfect. Off topic that is actually quite interesting. On this board there's a big emphasis on communication. Well their communication is extremely creative and selective. He would never tell her that she hurts him in only giving him time when it suits her because he likes her to continue being this total free spirit. And he likes her to think it doesn't upset him. I suppose that's a feature of secondary relationships: you can create them anyway you want and if it suits you both to only show certain parts of yourself you can. Sorry for that little stream of consciousness. It might be a good idea for a thread for secondaries though?
 
Hi

There are a few things about your post I'm not quite clear on but I'll give it a go.

I don't quite understand what you mean by "crossing the line"?

Hey Sage,

Thanks for giving it a shot. I knew when I wrote this it would probably be fuzzy but was a bit pressed for time.

Maybe the question you posed will be the same that confuses others so thanks for weighing in !

When I spoke of 'crossing the line' here's what I was referring to..........

For the vast majority of people who either identify as 'mono' or who would otherwise be classified such by those who obviously are not, their 'picture' of a relationship includes a one-on-one coupling, complete fidelity (sex & emotion) etc.

But there are those, maybe such as yourself (?) who identify as 'mono' although their partner is NOT. And this 'breaks' the standard model - and yet you find it comfortable and acceptable.

Now it's another fun topic itself to debate whether you can any longer be considered 'mono', but rather than debate this to no point we'll grant you (or anyone) the liberty of holding onto the label. So YOU (etc) are 'mono' by way of only choosing to have a single partner. And although this meets your needs you still have had to deal with all of the primary issues a 'poly' person would - i.e. jealousy, envy, time conflicts etc because of your partner's poly lifestyle.

So how DID you cross that line - from demanding ALL of someone to accepting part of them ?

That seems to be the big, broad line that's so difficult to cross.

If I were to stretch it a bit, I'd say it involves giving up 'control', as that seems to be a primary component of most mono relationships. Ownership.

Hope this helps.........

GS
 
......... I hope to see this thread develop. Very interesting possibilities of discovery if the thread takes on life! Here's to hope!;)

Thanks MG ! I hope so too.

Because as has been well observed by almost everyone in the lovestyle, there is a severe shortage of ladies available to polys of any gender/orientation.

So it would be helpful possibly to a host of folks to know what steps and mindshifts occurred in an otherwise 'mono' individual to at least take 1 step over the line. Because if more could at least do THAT it could change a lot of dynamics in families & relationships - and I at least feel for the good of all involved !

Guess we'll see

GS
 
If I were to stretch it a bit, I'd say it involves giving up 'control', as that seems to be a primary component of most mono relationships. Ownership.



GS

I know this thread is directed at woman based on the title so I'll leave this comment alone, my friend ;)
 
OK so now I get it. If you go and have a look at Kat Tails blog, or the blog of the mono wife in the blogs and lifestyle section, you will see that while we accept we find actually being "comfortable" a lot more difficult. Likewise the mono/poly site but you probably wouldn't want to bother registering.

I would say that most mono women fall in love with a poly before they realise how the implications of that will feel. It's one thing to know it intellectually but a whole different kettle of fish to experience the emotional roller coaster ride. That was my situation. The other typical scenario is that an existing partner falls in love with someone else while still loving the original party.

In both these cases we accept and try to make ourselves comfortable because of the quality of our relationship and the level of love we feel for our poly mate. I think you have to have a certain level of emotional intelligence, open-minded and interest in personal growth.

If we broke up I can't see myself knowingly going into another poly relationship.
 
Just re-read your post and think you are giving underestimating monos a bit. Just because I am mono doesn't mean that I believe that as part of a relationship I get ownership rights over another person. Neither do I need to have control or believe that I can demand that the person I love not experience who he is.

We have tried life as monos and mon/poly and even poly/poly (a little, didn't work)his need to be poly is greater than my need for him to be mono so that is the way we have moved forward.

Love and intelligence will conquer most things.
 
mono's get a bad wrap on the "controlling" thing no? Is there not a positive term to use that indicates their "dedication" or "full attention" to a partner... I find nothing wrong with that. I don't find mono "controlling" and I haven't known too many others that I would describe as such, but I do know quite a few that I admire for their attention and dedication to a partner. It's a matter of whether you want that from a partner or not I think. I love that about Mono... I find that I need to be careful not to possess him, something that is usually reserved for what people say about mono's!

The uniqueness of a mono/poly relationship is very special. I don't think the line is that large, maybe misunderstood and judged. At least that is my take from where I sit.

Hey, Sage, what's this yahoo group you speak of? What do they discuss?
 
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http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PolyMono/

I think that's the link, I just get all the posts sent to my email and I find it an awkward forum to navigate. Not nearly as good as this. there's a poly side to it also but I haven't been there. There are a group of regular monos who have got to grips with their relationships and new members coming through venting and asking for advice. But it's about caring and support you can only give advice if asked for and no judgements or criticism. There are quite a few fragile women out there who need such a place and some very good advice is offered up. I've noticed at least one poly guy on here has a partner there who is very good.

For more robust characters like me I enjoy the freedom of this site and the interaction of both mono and poly. When I first came here I had Mono telling me to push through the pain and Morning Glory telling me to look for positives. I think they jump-started me out of my "poor me" syndrome much faster than the softly, softly approach I would have received over there.
 
Thanks for more input Sage,


........ you will see that while we accept we find actually being "comfortable" a lot more difficult. Likewise the mono/poly site but you probably wouldn't want to bother registering.

Ok, so here I see that in reality - you at least - haven't actually 'crossed that line'. In other words, it's still not where you would prefer to be. You're settling because of love you have for someone who has different views. But as you say, your're not 'comfortable' with it, would prefer it otherwise if you had a choice etc.
But at least you TRIED ! And that's something.
But, for example if you had a mono GF that approached you for advice because she had encountered a similar possibility and was at least curious, what would be your advice ?

From what I'm reading - and please correct me if I misread - I suspect you'd tell her 'don't go there - it's too difficult & painful'. Yes ?

this based on..........

I would say that most mono women fall in love with a poly before they realise how the implications of that will feel. It's one thing to know it intellectually but a whole different kettle of fish to experience the emotional roller coaster ride. That was my situation.

In both these cases we accept and try to make ourselves comfortable because of the quality of our relationship and the level of love we feel for our poly mate.....................

If we broke up I can't see myself knowingly going into another poly relationship.

So let's see if anyone else has stepped over the line and is willing to stay there ?

GS
 
RP,

mono's get a bad wrap on the "controlling" thing no? I

Yea - that term could be taken a lot of different ways.
But bottom line, in a mono relationship/configuration there IS a control element - if nothing more that self reassurance that at least one facet of one's life is 'under control'. One thing (ideally) not to worry about (relationship competition, loneliness etc) So although it may not be 'controlling' it still offers some security of control.

In contrast, opening to poly - especially initially - doesn't offer that safety net from unknowns.

Does that make more sense ?

GS
 
Back on topic..........

Let me see if I can add to anything for clarity sake........

Are there women who have only been exposed to a mono culture, been presented with an option of being the mono partner of a poly love mate and have chosen that option - NOT necessarily (or purely at least) out of love or infatuation, but because they sat down, analyzed the pros & cons, and made a conscious choice (WITH an open mind) to give it a try.

A situation where it made sense and the pros seemed to outweigh the cons, even though it seem to go against everything they had learned prior ?

Curious...........

GS
 
I know this thread is directed at woman based on the title so I'll leave this comment alone, my friend ;)

Yea - I know where you'd likely go - and with good reason :)
And thanks - because this thread really isn't really so much for us guys opinion - as much as I'd value yours ! And feel free to email it to me.
But I agree - here I think it would lead us off track.........

GS
 
Let me see if I can add to anything for clarity sake........

Are there women who have only been exposed to a mono culture, been presented with an option of being the mono partner of a poly love mate and have chosen that option - NOT necessarily (or purely at least) out of love or infatuation, but because they sat down, analyzed the pros & cons, and made a conscious choice (WITH an open mind) to give it a try.

A situation where it made sense and the pros seemed to outweigh the cons, even though it seem to go against everything they had learned prior ?

Curious...........

GS
I really hope I'm not pulling this off topic...
I usually lurk because I am not poly, but am curious about it, so usually, I really don't have anything to add.
That being said, you were wondering if a woman who was only exposed to a mono lifestyle (this would be me) -if presented with an option to be a poly relationship (I have not, but for the sake of this conversation, let's say I have) decided to accept the poly nature of said relationship NOT because of infatuation with said man, but b/c I have rationally thought it out beforehand.

Yep, I sure would.
See, here's my take on it.

I would love to have a relationship with someone whom I would NOT have to devote a lot of time to, well, because I tend to be a loner, and I have pissed off TWO husbands who don't understand that I like to spend a lot of time alone not b/c I don't like THEM, but b/c I am just a loner by nature.

I also have a horrible sex drive. There are long stretches of time that I could care less that I have no sex, and then there are times, for some warped reason, I would (if possible) have sex every day. Sad to say, these times are terribly rare.
Yeah, I'm a mess.

So, here's how I see it....if I'm with a guy who also has relationships with another woman/man/wom(e)n, whatever....hey, he won't be terribly pissed if'n I want to be alone a lot of the time....win/win? Yeah?

How most people would see this, don't know....probably wouldn't want any parts of it.
You think something like this has been done? Is it even feasible?

I hope I (well, kind of) answered your question w/o completely confusing you....
 
I think you are going to find so little response from women that Mono's input is valid. Would he happily, actively seek out another poly relationship knowing what he knows about them (if anything happened to RP of course)? From my participation on the mono/poly forum there doesn't seem to be any difference between mono guys accepting poly and females. Maybe the issues are a little different but there seem just as many and they are just as intense, in some cases more so.

Your investigation seems very black and white whereas in reality the lines are very blurred. This is the best relationship I have ever had in my life, so I don't see myself as "settling". I have grown in ways I probably never would have otherwise. Maybe a poly relationship was what I needed while not necessarily being what I would have chosen knowing what I know now. Maybe it's like the vegetable that is really good for you but you'd still go for the dessert given the easy choice.

If a girlfriend asked me if she should explore a poly relationship I would say,"1. Educate yourself fully before opening your heart. 2. Get to know this person as well as you can before opening your heart.3. Examine yourself and what you want long term." On re-thinking I would probably put myself through steps 2 and 3 if the opportunity came up again. Does that get me closer to your line?
 
Great Sage ! Thanks again

If a girlfriend asked me if she should explore a poly relationship I would say,

"1. Educate yourself fully before opening your heart.
Ooooo-k - educate......about what ?

2. Get to know this person as well as you can before opening your heart.
Great advice for any relationship - right

3. Examine yourself and what you want long term."

Ummmmm...........what you 'want'. But isn't this based on what you believe to be your available choices ? So if this is a new, foreign choice - do you route back to 'education' or default to the known ?

On re-thinking I would probably put myself through steps 2 and 3 if the opportunity came up again. Does that get me closer to your line?

LOL - I don't know hun - does it ?

I see the 'line' as coming across a poly option totally unawares, giving it an honest evaluation, and going forward. AND not coming back (as in viewing it as an impossible or impractical option)!

Not sure whether you are coming back or not ? I hope not - and for all the right reasons. Time will tell -right ?

GS
 
hmmm I came here first pretty mono (poly curious) but since being with P who is poly for a year I have developed other relationships....one of which is with a married couple. With them, I can relate I think to mono's experience in a sense, because the couple's bond is so strong and beautiful I am deviod of jelousy and only compersion w them. With P however I still have quite a bit of jelousy from time to time.
 
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