Polyamory Books, Magazines, Websites

BOOK REVIEW:
"The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities", by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt (a pseudonym of Janet Hardy), Greenery Press, (c) 1997, ISBN 1-890159-01-8, 279 pages. This 2nd edition of the book (with the subtitle listed and the 1997 copyright) has more information on communication exercises and additional polyamorus resources than the first edition.

This book gets both strong positive & negative reactions from people. In part it is because it is two books in one.

The first half of the book is a manifesto. "Wanting to have sex and being a slut is good!" For those who have felt that their sexuality has been constrained by society this is a welcome call to arms. For those who feel that there is too much sexual promiscuity already, this part of the book goes over like the idea of putting out a house fire by hosing it down with gasoline.

Later the book becomes a very practical guide on dealing with the emotions and problems that someone opening up to polyamory and more casual sex will face.

The core concept that the book emphasizes is you should be highly ethical, honest and must clearly communicate in your relationships.

The book is well written and is easy to read. There is an underlying sense of fun and humor in the writing. There are many short vignettes of people experiencing joy or problems with the suggested life style. Since there are so few such exemplars in our modern society and media, it might be argued that these are the most important part of the book.

Tho I think highly of the book, there are a few parts of the book which I found uncomfortable reading. The part where an older lesbian woman went to her first orgy had me squirming, reminded of all the social situations where I felt uncomfortable.

This is NOT the book to give to an insecure spouse who is hurting - afraid of losing you to some other person! It likely will only confirm their worst fears. However it may be an ideal gift for someone who seems a bit ill at ease with their own sexuality.

Since opinions vary so widely on this work, it would be nice to get another book review written by someone who dislikes the book.

Warm regards, Rick.
 
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I enjoyed "Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage" by Jenny Block. It is written memoir style, about the process of a couple's experiences opening their relationships.

I don't know if you or your partner is having emotional issues around accepting polyamory, but I did in the beginning. I was very threatened by "The Ethical Slut", because, as Mono put it, I didn't-WANT-to open up. I wanted to understand my HB better, and find out for myself if I could cope with an open relationship for his sake, or if I needed a monogamous relationship, so that we could decide where we were going, and whether it would be together or not. "Open:" was non-threatening, and allowed me to see the struggles of this couple, and also their positive outcome... it was still a challenging read emotionally, but I came away with a sense that it wasn't all about fucking, and that not everyone is magically *fine* with it right away.
 
BOOK REVIEW:
"The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities", by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt (a pseudonym of Janet Hardy), Greenery Press, (c) 1997, ISBN 1-890159-01-8, 279 pages. This 2nd edition of the book (with the subtitle listed and the 1997 copyright) has more information on communication exercises and additional polyamorus resources than the first edition.

This book gets both strong positive & negative reactions from people. In part it is because it is two books in one.

The first half of the book is a manifesto. "Wanting to have sex and being a slut is good!" For those who have felt that their sexuality has been constrained by society this is a welcome call to arms. For those who feel that there is too much sexual promiscuity already, this part of the book goes over like the idea of using gasoline to put out a house fire.

This is NOT the book to give to an insecure spouse who is hurting - afraid of losing you to some other person! It likely will only confirm their worst fears. However it may be an ideal gift for someone who seems a bit ill at ease with their own sexuality.

Since opinions vary so widely on this work, it would be nice to get another book review written by someone who dislikes the book.

Warm regards, Rick.

Yeah, I really don't like that book, and I think you've summed it up here pretty darn well! It's definitely like the idea of using gasoline to put out a fire, and NOT the book to give to someone who is hurting!:p
 
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BOOK REVIEW:
"The Soul of Sex: Cultivating Life as an Act of Love", by Thomas Moore, Harper Collins Publishers, (c) 1998, ISBN 0-06-018697-6, 307 pages.

I disliked this book. As I studied it more closely I came to loath it.

I come from a science background. When someone presents an argument, it should give the evidence for and against their thesis. When Darwin was talking about Evolution, it was thought that the sun was a cooling, glowing rock - which meant the Earth could only be a few million years old. Darwin needed Deep Time for evolution to work. Rather than ignoring this problem in his theory, he brought it up, acknowledged the difficulty and rather weakly said that perhaps when we learned more about the sun, we would find it glows from some other principle.

That is the honest way to present an argument. This book is the antithesis of that approach and Mr. Moore's sloppy and sleazy way of presenting his points grated on me for the entire time I slogged thru this work.

The early chapters were the most enjoyable. He talks about the greek myths and establishes a metaphor - the Greek goddess Aphrodite is the nymph of love. We want to invite her into our hearts. It was all down hill from there.

First it is totally poly intolerant.

When discussing the holy importance of marriage: "... and in each marriage lies the deeper laboratory of sex, the holy of holies, where passion union, differences, pleasure, difficulties and even work achieve their necessary balances. If couples realized the importance of their lovemaking and its impact on the world around them, from their children and neighbors to the nation and the world, they might have a less personalistic, less psychological view of their sexuality, and in that broadening they might enter into sex with larger vision and greater joy." (Page 204.)

(I apologize for the long quotes. I try to quote full sentences and his run on sentence style assures that many of these quotes will also run on.)

"The attention to the beauty, craft, and ritual in this ancient scene [a couple approaching the marriage bed] could teach us that the bedroom is a place of holy mysteries and that sex is closely connected to what is going on in the rest of the universe." (Page 211.)

After a chapter about the holiness of matrimony, he has a chapter of infidelity. He discusses the mystery lover. This figure is not a real person that you should screw, but a phantom to tempt you.

"When we actually meet someone who seems to be a potential lover or mate, we may see them surrounded by fantasy. They glow for us, but not for their friends. The lover becomes a double star - one radiance branches out from their real presence, while another shines from an unknown source, intensifying the total effect." (Page 222.)

"The specific rites of sex are designed to engage one's relationship with the mystery lovers we usually encounter only in night dreams and daytime fantasies. Because the soul lover is not really part of this world, our attempts to give body to those loves will always fall short of the mark and be somewhat disappointing, but we can keep trying. There is always the possibility of confusing private fantasy with life." (Page 229.)

"Because sex is so enveloping and inclusive, because it can't be separated from the fabric of life and personality, and because it is so often essentially implicated in developments and transitions, people faced with unexpected and unintended or even unwelcome sexual longing feel profoundly confused." ... and a paragraph later... "Care of the soul is a simple phrase that seems to represent an easy adjustment of life's basic elements. But at times it may take all the courage and wisdom at a person's disposal to have the patience and presence of mind to keep the soul distinct from life, to reflect deeply on developments rather than take the easier, though more dangerous path of acting out." (Page 233.)

The author's discussion of mystery lovers make them sound like movie stars - far off and surrounded by glamour. On page 228 he specifically says that these lovers are not really part of this world. As for the real life, very lovable people close to you - keep your pants on and maintain the sanctity of the holy wedding bed. AND the civilization that holy marriage maintains!

On page 188, the author says that about 1/3 of the people he provided therapy for were deeply worried about the "impossible conflict" of keeping their marriage intact, yet feeling crazy in their love for a third person. "Typically one sensation was notably absent amid all the confusion - the feeling of personal integrity & individuality." (Page 189.)

The author counsels a mystical celibacy and chastity in order to maintain the marriage. (Chapter 9: The Joy of Celibacy.)

The moral superiority of loving but a single person is mentioned again at the top of page 282.

The author, in glowing terms, described the saving of loveless marriages. (See pages 285, 286 & 287.) I thought, "he will soon discuss the exception - marriages where one partner is being physically abusive". I was wrong, a hateful marriage weakens his argument so he ignores this possibility in an intellectually cowardly fashion. Or perhaps he found rhapsodizing about the nymphs of love does not fit well into sentences about spouses & children being neglected or abused?

***
There are many other things in this book that rubbed me the wrong way. I've not space or time to list them all, but here is a sampling:

"We have to invite the spirits of sex into our bedrooms, or else sex will remain a secularized, egocentric, narcissistic, and exploitive endeavor; even in the midst of our supposed sexual enlightenment." (pg 109.)

This is part of a circular argument that is repeated in the final chapter on Epicurean love. Since no one can really tell if the spirits of eros are with us, all nasty sex is with out the spirits. All nice sex has the proper religious overtones. Nice sex is epicurean. Thus the author is free to look down his nose at any form of sex he does not approve of.

***
The author seems to sneer at BDSM, so I started to reread this book to find the exact places where he does so. However, he never actually comes out and makes a declarative statement. (Very typical.) However, he does cast what sound like aspirations at this style of love making:

A woman craved rough sex. A sadist, over 3 years, beats her and steals all her money. "Eventually she came up from that dark place, ..." (Page 164.)

When discussing the holiness of marriage he mentions: "What is required is not a masochistic act of literal debasement, ..." (Page 237.)

"But there is another aspect of sexuality that can be easily be lost in the dark and downwards emphasis on the sensuous life." (Page 265.)

"Sexual experiences long fantasized and hoped for may fail to give the promised satisfaction." (Page 270.)

"Other men and woman I've known have entered relationships where the sex was very aggressive and experimental, and they enjoyed it at first but then reached a point where the joy disappeared. Then they craved some purity and found it difficult to convince their partners that their sudden inhibition didn't spring from their fear but from a deep need for purer sex." (Page 198.)

Page 218 argues against novelty in sex play even within the marriage. (He may be referring to avoiding loving someone else, hard to tell what he is saying. But if that is the case, wouldn't the argument be more logically placed in the chapter on infidelity?)

See also the lower half of page 275 for more on sexual fantasy. It is hard to say what he is saying, but he does not sound supportive about "acting out" and actually trying some kink. (The phrase "acting out" makes people exploring their sexuality sound like spoilt children.)

(Posts must be 10,000 characters or less. Review continued in next post.)
 
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Book review of "The Soul of Sex" continued.

***
A typical passage from the book:
"Spirit is typically concerned with facts and principles. Soul is lead by nuance. It looks for guidance in image, poetics and implication." (Page 169.)

I don't believe in the soul so the quote above, to me, is nonsensical. But the author would have us believe in not only in a soul, but also in a spirit. These insubstantial entities he asserts, have the stated properties. How does he know this? What facts or evidence does he give? Has God Spoken and vouchsafed our prophet Divine Revelation? Or is Mr. Moore just making things up? I say, "It's pretty. But made up." Therefore, any statements depending or supported by these assertions are very weak.

That sums up this whole book. Pretty. But made up.

***
About half way thru reading this book the first time, the alchemists of the dark ages occurred to me. They mixed chemistry, numerology, astrology, the theory of 'humors', mystical geometry etc. in a fruitless quest to turn base metal into gold or find the secret to eternal life. Theirs was a intellectually sterile and useless branch of human thought. Much of what they thought up was clever, neat and self consistent. Wonderful mental fairy castles in the sky. However, these inventions, however appealing, were WRONG. Much of this book felt the same way to me. Clever intellectual inventions with out fact. However, to Mr. Moore's publisher's delight, talking about souls and sex nymphs are less likely to be disproved than the alchemical fancies.

Imagine my thrill of joy when on page 269 he starts rhapsodizing about alchemists. Out side of video games, alchemists don't get much respect today. But in his book he admires them! At length!!! Fitting.

***
This feels like a book written in the middle ages. It reads like poetry but behind the lovely words and imagery is a contempt for the reader's intelligence. The book is filled with the techniques of advertisers and propagandists. People trained in logic will see thru his orator's bag of tricks.

Finally, Mr Moore takes cheap shots at science and technology thruout his work. (See pages: 5, 88, 266, 267 and others I don't care to bother rereading his book to find.) I believe that science has done more to ennoble humanity, reduce slavery, extend life, ennoble the crippled (or handicapped), reduce disease, reduce superstitious fears, etc. than any other human construct. Anti-intellectuals may amuse themselves by bad mouthing science, but their unsupported slanders do nothing to endear me to their work.

I actually agree with some of the points the author makes. But the manipulative form of his writing keeps pissing me off.

The honest and straightforward sentences of books like "The Ethical Slut" are infinitely preferable to me than this book's apocryphal assertions. It is very hard to summarize what the book actually says - meaning is hidden behind never ending layers of metaphor, simile, analogy and innuendo.

Bah!
Warm regards, Rick.
 
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RickPlus, I'm continually impressed with the quality of your posts - you seem like a fella who's thought deeply about love, sex and the new-to-me ideas behind polyamory for some while. I'm curious, tho: many of the better posts on this forum are from Canadians. Is it just that y'all have more sense (something many Americans secretly fear <GRIN>) and are more open to newish ideas like polyamory? Or do people gravitate to different websites partially based on geographic location? Probably just rehetorical questions...
I also echo River's sentiment for a book review page. Maybe a Wiki would be a good tool? I'm picturing a bunch of book titles and covers: you click thru to a forum-like list of reviews, both good and bad. Maybe a 1 to 5 rating system so the best reviews percolate upward thru the dross?
 
About half way thru reading this book the first time, the alchemists of the dark ages occurred to me. They mixed chemistry, numerology, astrology, the theory of 'humors', mystical geometry etc. in a fruitless quest to turn base metal into gold or find the secret to eternal life.
A high school social studies teacher mentioned something to the class one day about alchemists that stuck with me. His view was that they were mostly about things like fermentation, and distillation. So while they might not have gotten gold from lead, they could from Wheat. ;)

On a less tongue and cheek note, I can see why you'd have ended up not liking the book. I doubt I would have gotten past the back cover, much less read it more than once.

I'm curious, tho: many of the better posts on this forum are from Canadians.
What can we say? We're good! :cool:
 
I'm curious, tho: many of the better posts on this forum are from Canadians. Is it just that y'all have more sense (something many Americans secretly fear <GRIN>) and are more open to newish ideas like polyamory? Or do people gravitate to different websites partially based on geographic location? Probably just rehetorical questions...

Perhaps either your taste is Canadian or perhaps its that Canadians tend to be the one's who post most often on this board. There are plenty of other polyamory boards that are frequented by Americans if you were interested in finding out.
 
I humbly redress my previous post to include Ceoli (and by extension other Brits, need to be inclusive here) in the list of those having "more sense" ;-)

Jeesh, I just found a site http://www.lovemore.com/ which is run by some people in the NEXT TOWN to the south of me, maybe 15 minutes away. Small freakin' planet, eh?

Ceoli, you mention other polyamory boards. We know the the polyamory.com board is the best [shameless huckstering] but might you have any recommendations? I'm NOT looking for "personals", but for places with wise people who've already been down the road I'm on and know the territory. Actual geographic location isn't an issue, but I did note a bunch of Aussie links when googling around.

Thanks again, everybody! Mucho appreciado!
 
Actually I'm American. I just happen lo live in London at the moment. As for other boards I can't easily give you links from my phone. But check out the forums on Polyweekly.com and the forum at Polyamorous Percolations. I'm sure you can find that on google. there's also a good polyamory group on Livejournal.
 
Polyamory : Roadmaps For The Clueless And Hopeful - Anthony D. Ravenscroft -

I just seen this book online and looked at the table of contents looks like a good read and it would cover a lot.

I my opinion a book can only really be interpreted by it's reader. Mono pointed out his "wiring" which gives him a different prospective on the books that he has read and others prospective may very well differ. There is no harm in reading all the books listed on this post or going to your local book store and browsing a few or even your local library. I just went last night to B&N and browsed Open and Ethical slut..both good reads in my opinion but go find out for yourself :)

Triad





My husband and I are taking baby steps into polyamory. Everything is still in the hypothetical, but I've been doing lots of research (both because I'm the poly one and I'm really rather neurotic). I was looking for some book recommendation. I'm looking for books to help my husband understand how I feel and what I want.

I just finished The Ethical Slut and it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for. I think there is great information in there about managing jealousy and emotions, but it just wasn't emphasizing what I was hoping for. I'm looking for a book that talks more about love and less about sex, because that's me. Sex is nice and all, but for me it's about love and connection. No offense to anyone with other view points, but I was hoping there was a book that was more in tune with me.

Thanks so much,

Ruby
 
Polyamory : Roadmaps For The Clueless And Hopeful - Anthony D. Ravenscroft -

I have this book and you're the only person I've seen recommend it besides myself. I am not very far into it, but unlike the Amazon reviews claim, i do not think that one has to read it cover-to-cover in order for it to make sense. Yes, the font size is kind of small, but I can flip through it and land on almost any page and start reading and it makes sense to me.

What I like most about this book is that it is not an endorsement of polyamory and goes out of its way to address the pitfalls. Also, the things it talks about can be applied to any relationship even if you end up deciding that poly is not for you.
 
If you're looking for a book that talks mostly about the loving aspects of polyamory, try Deborah Anapol's The New Love without Limits. It's the book I sent my parents and sister to read when I "came out" as poly, and obviously I didn't want to stress ethical sluttery to them! ;)
 
If you're looking for a book that talks mostly about the loving aspects of polyamory, try Deborah Anapol's The New Love without Limits. It's the book I sent my parents and sister to read when I "came out" as poly, and obviously I didn't want to stress ethical sluttery to them! ;)

There is a link on the first page of this thread... excellent book! I gave that to my parents too. I got it back with a "hm, interesting" and that was it... I don't know how it really went over, but others have said the same thing, very helpful.
 
BOOK REVIEW:
"One Big Happy Family: 18 Writes talk about Polyamory, Open Adoption, Mixed Marriage, House-husbandry, Single Motherhood and Other Realities of Truly Modern Love.", edited by Rebecca Walker, Riverhead Books, (c) 2009, ISBN 978-1-59448-862-7, 263 pages.

This book is a mixed bag, as you might expect given that it is 18 essays by different writers. Some of the essays were extremely moving. I teared up. Others had me rolling my eyes. Do I really need to learn about this man and wife who bicker for pages about house work?

You do get a sense that people with courage and determination can over come very difficulty obstacles in their marriage / relationships. Some of the situations these people wrote about were very interesting. Others were so dull, I found myself skimming the remainder of the article.

As a guide for polyamory, the book does not say much. The author who discusses poly is Jenny Block who wrote "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open marriage", (reviewed above). Her essay is basically a 16 page summary of her book, with out the details that might help someone. Basically it is an assurance that poly families exist and that they can work.

I can not recommend this book for people looking for information about polyamory. I wonder, for what audience the book would really be of use to. People who need an example that lateral thinking about relationships may be useful perhaps.

Warm regards, Rick
 
BOOK REVIEW:
"The Five Love Languages: How to Express heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.", by Gary Chapman, Northfield Publishing, (c) 1992 & 1995, ISBN 1-881273-15-6, 203 pages. The edition I read includes a study guide by James S. Bell Jr.

I did not have high expectations for this book. The Greeks have 5 different words for love and I expected this book to discuss those ideas with regards to modern society. I was completely wrong, this is a very good resource if you are in a loving relationship and it seems to be not working properly.

The major thesis of the book is that New Relationship Energy (NRE) is not love. Additionally, people have different ways of emotionally being satisfied that their partners love them. However, many marriages go awry when one partner has a way of expressing love that does not emotionally connect to their partner.

The author claims that the five ways people have for feeling loved are:
-- Words of Affirmation
-- Quality Time
-- Receiving Gifts
-- Acts of Service
-- Physical Touch.

An example of how his idea works. A man in a relationship most strongly feels loved when his partner does acts of service. His wife needs quality time to feel loved.

The man (wanting to be loving) works his butt off providing a living at work, coming home and mowing, gardening, fixing her car, making a nice sewing room for her, etc. But this does not satisfy her - she needs him to spend time talking with her and maybe going on a trip with him or something. To her, his efforts to do things for her feels like he is distancing himself from her, he is always being too busy. Likewise, he resents her not doing acts of service he would appreciate (having a meal ready when he gets home from a long day at work for example).

Mr. Chapman says he must learn how to show his love in a way that emotionally significant to her, even if it is not his natural way of showing love. The same is true for her.

I don't think that this book is the end all and be all of what you need to make a relationship work. But for some people, it is the clue that they have been missing. It is the mental tool they need to make their relationship click.


There are a couple of things that rub me the wrong way in the book:

First the book is poly-intolerant. On page 108 he writes:
"This age is characterized as the age of sexual openness and freedom. With that freedom, we have demonstrated that the open marriage where both spouses are free to have sexual intimaciess with other individuals is fanciful. Those who do not object on moral grounds eventally object on emotional grounds. Something about our need for intimacy and love does not allow us to give our spouse such freedom. The emotional pain is deep and intimacy evaporates when we are aware that our spouse is involved with someone else sexually."

Second he is Christian and any time he wants to pull out the big guns and make a point beyond debate he quotes scripture.

Chapter 12 is called "Loving the Unlovely" and it discusses what do you do when you hate your partner. He suggests that you do loving acts (using the wisdom in his book) for 6 months. If they feel emotionally fulfilled and loved, they may reciprocate and a loveless marriage may be saved.

The entire chapter is a Christian love-fest. You might be able to pull of the above strategy with out God's Love but it is clear he doubts it.


Despite my reservations, I plan to add this book to my library. I think that this book is a very practical guide for helping good willed people save a relationship that does not seem to be working, for reasons that they can't understand.

Warm regards, Rick.
 
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This is the book I most recommend so far for those that want to explain polyamory to someone.

Polyamory:
The New Love Without Limits

http://www.lovewithoutlimits.com/books.html


Here is my reasoning for not recommending the Ethical Slut or even the book Opening Up.

Both the above books are more directed at those that want to open up. They are less sensitive to a person who is trying to understand why their partner needs this.

The New Love Without Limits, although less in depth and simplistic, does a better job of explaining the multiple "loving" aspect of polyamory in my opinion.

The "Ethical Slut" reads like a how-to to fuck lots of people in a mature responsible way.

Opening Up is a book for couples who want to open up.

A lot of times we are dealing with people who do not want to open up. This requires a great deal of clarity, sensitivity, and understanding of their perspective when presenting the reasons for how and why their partner wants/needs and can even have multiple loves.

I'm not sure of a book specifically designed for those people..the ones looking at their partners with broken hearts, feeling loss, inadequate or replaced.
I don't mean to sound dramatic..but that is what we are dealing with.

Peace and Love
Mono


I would have to agree completely with you. Though I'm not in a position to speak much on anything I can speak on these references and I completely agree with you. In my last few years of dipping my toes into this way of life I've read all three books. Perhaps my introduction to this new way of living would have been accepted more quickly had I read "The new love without limits" first.
 
Everything is a learning experience isn't it? Loking forward to hearing more from you Petal :)
 
Everything is a learning experience isn't it? Loking forward to hearing more from you Petal :)
Yes, indeed it is. An great thing about learning is that no matter what it is your learning about it's always good that you're learning. Perhaps one day you'll hear more, but for now I'm learning I'm only good at public speaking professionally versus personally. Thanks for making me feel more comfortable in doing so though.
 
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