not feeling so good...

This situation would be unacceptable to my neighbors, friends, and family!


I guess you have to figure out what's more important - pleasing yourself or pleasing the neighbors, friends, and family.

You are the only one who can control you, and you are the only one you can control.
 
alone

I guess I am a worrywart by nature. I felt I was alone in this lifestyle. I didn't set out looking for this situation. I was just blessed with two amazing people who crossed my life's path.

I just Googled this lifestyle. I am surprised to see that lots of other people are involved in it, as well.

One of my other major worries is my children and the effects it could have on them in the future.
 
Is there any access to community near you? I get a huge amount of support from knowing people here who are similar in thinking to me. They don't all do it the same way, but I can at least feel I am not completely alone. This forum helps, for sure, too.

We are off to our monthly poly meeting tonight. I can't wait to see everyone again, even though I have seen a few since last month. It's always eye-opening, interesting, entertaining and thought-provoking, to say the least.

This month we are doing some exercises from The Ethical Slut. I'm not a huge fan of the book now, but it did get me thinking I wasn't crazy about 10 years ago. We'll see how it goes tonight. If nothing else, it will be great to even discuss the book!
 
Redpepper,

Thank you for your reply. Some more background on me/us: we are all professionals and are very present in the community we live in. This proves to be difficult at times, but I can usually deal with it. We have been in a MFM triad for seven years. Our partner is mono, and then there's my husband and myself.

The mono is divorced with kids of his own. None of the kids "know," per se, but they realize we are super-close friends and plan to build our lives together. The kids never seem to have a problem with the closeness. They actually accept it all. It seems natural to them.

My kids call him Uncle, since my children are younger, and his kids think it is funny to call me Godmom, to avoid other's questions about us not really being related. His ex-wife, however, has made this situation pretty crazy at times.

We all moved in together a few years ago.

If we lived in a bubble, life would be so easy, for the most part. Other people really make this situation more difficult.
 
YAY! someone in a MFM, like me. It isn't very common, is it?

You sound like you are struggling, but I am not sure what the specifics are. If you have all been together for seven years, why now? What specifically is going on that makes it all a struggle right now? What has the ex-wife done in the past that has made it difficult? What is it with the neighbors that makes your family unacceptable, in their eyes?
 
You say it is not quite common. I actually thought I was completely alone in this situation!

I have yet to hear of anything like it, ever, in my life. It was new to me. I just sorta fell into it without any prior thought. It just seemed right at the time. Natural and pure, no agendas, just everyone looking out for the others, with a bond that I can't even explain.

Since I have kids of school age, I do get questions like, "Who is that?" My kids always tell people their uncle lives with them, and at times some bold people will say, "He is not your real uncle, because he is not your mom or dad's sibling." I can't even imagine saying that to anyone ever. The nerve of some people!

I guess, for a long time now, I've felt like I've had this burden of a secret on my shoulders. It is probably a weight I put on myself. I sometimes have a hard time with the fact that the mono won't ever be "more," in other people's eyes. I am not sure why that matters to me, because his concern is what we have together and he needs no other approval or recognition. Knowing I am with him is all he needs. I wish I could be more like that, too.

My husband is a pure saint and tells me we all know what we have, share, etc., and why is more love bad? If other people surmise, question, etc., he doesn't really care.

Another issue for me is my kids, who are my driving force in life. I would never want this to effect them negatively in the future. Mono and my husband think the more people they have to truly love and support them is only a benefit.

As for the ex, well, she is a certified crazy to begin with, but she tries to brainwash her and mono's kids into believing we are all whackos! She also tries to make them and everyone believe we are possibly mooching, to take from what they would have had, and that my family is more important than them, and on and on. They are getting older, and we just try and stay consistent, and two have seen the light. But it has been a journey and magnified because of her, to say the least.

So... you're right. I am struggling. I am usually a pretty independent, confident person, but I sometimes have a hard time working through and processing this situation.

As for my family and neighbors, I think I was more friendly and close in the past, but as our triad gets closer, I get more paranoid of questions and have somewhat retreated and am more secretive about what we do. My family also gets super jealous and questioning about why I spend so much time with him and not more time with them. Usually, it is because, as I get older, and we have super busy lives, when I have free time, I want to be with them and my children, because they lift me up and make me a better person. If I go with my neighbors and other family, I am filled with anxiety and worry about the questions to come.

I look forward to your insights on my situation!:)
 
If you are in a triad, then I would question if anyone is mono. Wouldn't you be in a "V," if that is the case? Are both of your men mono, or poly? Is your husband interested in others? Does he have another?

It's confusing, your use of mono to describe someone other than my Mono. Would it be possible to call him something else?

I hear you about the questions from the parents and the jealousy they have around not spending time with us. I am facing that more and more, these days. In fact, it has come down to a family talk soon. AHHHHHH! I feel as if I were 10 and about to get in trouble.

I hope that you are getting some much-needed community from this forum.
 
Every once in a while, I thank the good spirits that I am the black sheep of the family and no one cares whom I spend my time with. Sure, they love me, but I established from a very young age that I was not theirs, but my own person. So they're glad to have me about, and just as glad to leave me be.
 
Redpepper, I'm sorry to confuse you with the titles, mono and V. These are completely new terms to me. I thought mono was the term everyone used for the person who wasn't married in the relationship. I understand V, but didn't even know such things existed in the first place, hence why I am feeling a bit crazy or different. My husband is only with me, and my "friend" is only with me. I have always been in a hetero-monogamous relationship in the past and have no interests in any other pursuits.. My dance card is full!
 
Well, that IS what "mono" means, but RP's boyfriend's user name is "Mono" (with some additional letters after), and that's how we refer to him in the 3rd person on this forum for short.
 
I thought mono was the term everyone used for the person who wasn't married in the relationship.

"Mono" is the screen name I use, because I am wired monogamously, in that I only love and want Redpepper in a physically intimate way.

The person who isn't married, but involved with a married couple, doesn't need to be monogamous. They can be polyamorous too.

Often they are referred to as secondaries.
 
Ygirl, thanks for clarifying for me. That's what I meant.

Pokey, I was assuming you had read other threads and knew that my bf's name was Mono.
 
I think I get it now! I'm sorry for the confusion.

I am the only polyamorous one. I am with two men who are wired straight-mono, who only want me, but have agreed to share me. This is a V, right?
 
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