Searching for my libido

Serendipity22

New member
A quick intro - I am 38, married to a wonderful man for almost five years (Skater21 on this forum) and we've been involved in poly for about a year and a half.

How we started out in poly is a long story... to cut to the chase, we decided to try poly when I fell in love with a poly man who I had met online while working for a non-profit organization (we were both on the board of directors). For the most part the relationship was via the internet using Skype, although I did take one trip to visit my long-distance guy for a few days. About four months after my visit, I discovered that he hadn't been honest with me about his marital status, and we ended our relationship.

Once that was over, hubby and I were happy to just enjoy our relationship with each other. We didn't really look for anyone else.

Then we threw a Superbowl Party and had tons of people show up, some of whom I'd never met before. One of them was a woman (I'll call her CP) who was a friend of a friend, and we felt an instant crazy-strong connection to each other.

I've always considered myself straight. I'd never met a woman who I was attracted to until that night - and it was quite extraordinary to me. I talked to Skater about it after the party and he encouraged me to pursue her if I wanted to. So I spent the next several weeks getting to know her a bit, and finally opened up to her about my attraction and about being poly.

She admitted to being very attracted to me too, and Skater, and we ended up all dating and falling in love and forming a polyfidelitous triad. It's been an experience, to say the least. A wonderful, crazy, soul-searching experience. We all live together now, and the love is great and we work through issues when they pop up, and for the most part it couldn't be better.

I've kind of run into some blips with my sexuality though. I had some childhood abuse and trauma that I've had to deal with and address throughout my life, so sometimes it's a process for me to sort through my feelings to figure out what's really going on in my head and heart.

Before CP came along, our sex life was great. Satisfying, frequent, interesting, all of that. When we first formed our relationship with her, it was that way too. But for the past little while, my desire for sex has waned. It's like my connection to my sensual self has become muted. I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out why so I can fix it. It's been causing some anxiousness with my loves too.

CP and I spend a lot of time together as friends. We enjoy hanging out and doing a lot of the same things and having deep discussions about life and the universe. But we hardly ever have any sexual intimacy when it's just the two of us. It's my fault, I know she would like more. I seem to have a hard time switching from friend-mode to lover-mode with her.

I don't really know what to do at this point. I worry that maybe the NRE has worn off and I'm too straight to keep the excitement there with a woman. I worry that it might have something to do with me coming to terms with being bi. Or whatever you'd call me now. I've never had a problem with other people having a different sexual orientation than hetero, but I've always thought of myself as straight before.

I'm probably worrying too much, but I'm getting frustrated, my loves are getting frustrated, and I don't want to lose this awesome triad relationship. I want to make it work. I just don't know what to do.

I've seen some great advice given to people on this forum, I would appreciate any help I can get! Thanks!
 
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Do you talk about it like this with her and him?

You need to do that. You sound like an articulate, self-aware person.

Talk to your partners first, THEN ask the internet if you still need to.
 
how's your sex-drive with hubby ?, is that still there or is that diminishing as well ?

last i heard a woman's sex drive as she gets older can diminish and may disappear completely, ... estimated up to 50% of women.

if that's not the case, ... do you need to have a sexual desire for CP ?, maybe that's what was needed to bring her into the family, ...

there's a lot of "could be this, that, or the other things",... but while loosing labido i can't imagine being good for intimate relationships, ... like most things in life, things change. ... i don't have a clue what it means, or why, nor do i have any guesses where this could all be headed.

but try not to get frustrated about it :), maybe it was a bunch of NRE, and now that your over that, it may come back in full force in time as things continue naturally to fall deeply in love with her instead of what the NRE likes to get us full of "infatuation"

too many "ifs", you'll figure it out :)
 
last i heard a woman's sex drive as she gets older can diminish and may disappear completely, ... estimated up to 50% of women.


Last i heard, women's sex drives increase as they get closer to their 40's, peak just before menopause, sometimes vary during menopause and then comes back stronger than ever.


We must be reading different magazines in the dentist's waiting room.
 
I have spoken about it with my loves, although my fear that I'm going to completely lose my desire for CP is something I've only shared with my husband. (I'm afraid of making her insecure and that it might just compound the issue if she thinks that is happening. We love each other very much, and I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily.) They are very supportive and understanding, and want to help me get back to my happy sexual self. None of us really know what to do about it though.

It has gotten to the point where it is affecting my libido in general. I'm just not that interested in sex lately at all. That's unusual for me.

Maybe I just need time. I'm kind of an impatient person, and I tend to try to nip any problem in the bud as soon as it comes up. I don't like feeling this way, I want to change it.

We'll work things out. Thanks for listening. :)
 
I went without sex for 7 years until last november ,,,I simply did not have it in me to share that aspect of myself .. pehaps celibacy/sexual withdrawal is something that just happens and it has no refelction upon our loved ones??
 
Last i heard, women's sex drives increase as they get closer to their 40's, peak just before menopause, sometimes vary during menopause and then comes back stronger than ever.


We must be reading different magazines in the dentist's waiting room.

I read that issue of Highlights, too... Goofus is such a d-bag.

Serendipity (LOVE the avatar, BTW!), have you started/stopped taking or changed any meds around this time? Medication can have an impact on libido as well.
 
If you've always considered yourself hetero

and never considered yourself bi, I don't see where the mystery is and I don't see it as a problem unless you don't talk with both of them about it. It may not even be a problem as gf may be going through the exact same thing as it definitely is the excitement known as new relationship energy, although in your case it could be more specifically the threesome sex, as it has a tendency to elevate libido significantly and what goes up often comes down (unless you are talking about authors, they stay up by stepping on people they think are inferior)

but it is important to talk with her, because if you are anything like the handful of people that I know, not being bisexual isn't the end of the world, it is just the end of regular sex between the two homo-gendered.

Which is why I would steer away from picking from the list of acceptable labels because then you can't be practicing polyamory, it's polygamy, which really shouldn't matter, except that it does, because most people find it easier to deny their biases which mean they don't think twice about treating others like shit when the only real difference is you are no longer having sex with the gf, but if you aren't following the community rules then you have to use the bigoted labels, because even though it's not there business, that is the illegal kind of having your cake and eating too.

I agree with Boring Guy, they advice you get here on this forum is top notch, but be careful of advice online other places, some people are fakes, phonies, or just plain thieving mother fuckers, so however you say with a grain salt to ward off assholes, and bad advice, I just forgot what I was saying
 
I read that issue of Highlights, too... Goofus is such a d-bag.

I always thought Gallant was such a fake goody-two-shoes. He probably grew up to be the Unibomber.
 
Dirtclustit, ... i wouldn't take my advice as top notch :)

it sounds right to me, that's about all i go with, ... i read far more than i have life experience with. if what i say sounds good to others great, if it sounds like i'm out to lunch, i guess it's time for lunch.

i try to stick with sites that seem more educated & less common social rumors. then again, i've heard of well educated folks having all these great theories about child raising, then having kids of their own and finding they had it all wrong.
 
YouAreHere - :) I loved the Serendipity books growing up, I thought she would make a perfect avatar!

I don't have anything going on physiologically that I know of, no change in meds or illness or anything.

CP identifies as bisexual, and her feelings have been hurt before when I haven't been in the mood for making love. I don't think our relationship would stay in tact if I told her I didn't want sexual intimacy with her anymore. I don't WANT to end our sexual intimacy. I very much enjoy our lovemaking when I'm in the mood - it's getting in the mood that has been the problem.

I'm starting to come to the conclusion that it's really about me understanding and accepting my sexuality. I tend to use compartmentalization to deal with things until I can work through them, but I'm realizing that I can't do that with this situation. It just confuses me more. I don't think that any "labels" will benefit me. I don't know of any that I feel apply to me.

I'm going to do some soul-searching, and look for some helpful information about sexual orientation and identity. Hopefully I can straighten things out in my head enough that I can get back to normal.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to help me figure this thing out.
 
I just forgot what I was saying

You were saying that you agree with Boring Guy. Please continue.

I apologize to the general public, but it's about time I have that recipe again.
 
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YouAreHere - :) I loved the Serendipity books growing up, I thought she would make a perfect avatar!

I don't have anything going on physiologically that I know of, no change in meds or illness or anything.

CP identifies as bisexual, and her feelings have been hurt before when I haven't been in the mood for making love. I don't think our relationship would stay in tact if I told her I didn't want sexual intimacy with her anymore. I don't WANT to end our sexual intimacy. I very much enjoy our lovemaking when I'm in the mood - it's getting in the mood that has been the problem.

I'm starting to come to the conclusion that it's really about me understanding and accepting my sexuality. I tend to use compartmentalization to deal with things until I can work through them, but I'm realizing that I can't do that with this situation. It just confuses me more. I don't think that any "labels" will benefit me. I don't know of any that I feel apply to me.

I'm going to do some soul-searching, and look for some helpful information about sexual orientation and identity. Hopefully I can straighten things out in my head enough that I can get back to normal.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to help me figure this thing out.

Maybe you just are this way with other women (well, this one only). You just don't want girl-on-girl sex as often. If this is a problem for CP, there are choices she can make. I would explain what they are, but I bet 500 acres of abandoned farmland that does not belong to me that Gala Girl will be along shortly to do all that, so I'll um, "work smarter not harder", as the motivational posters say.
 
I know, for me, I'm sort of on the bi spectrum. Before Moonlight, I'd been attracted to women, had sex with a woman a couple times, but she was the first I'd ever wanted a relationship with. And, while sex with her is hot and beautiful and fantastic, I have a much harder time getting "in the mood" for her than with Fly or Punk. So, to put it in slightly comic terms, I'm bi, but not that bi. :rolleyes:

This has definitely been challenging for Moonlight, especially since I was raring to go all the time when we first met. Luckily, she's been patient and understanding. I find that it's a bit like going to the gym; I don't really want to go, but I know if I just do than it will feel good and make me happy. So, sometimes I go with it and "the mood" comes upon me as things heat up. ;)

Sometimes, having some cuddle time without the expectation of sex helps. If I know she's not expecting the full meal deal, I can relax and enjoy her touch and closeness. This often leads into having sex, because any stress about disappointing her has been taken off the table.

Anyway, hope you can figure things out!
 
It's possible that you're biromantic but heterosexual. Sexual orientation and romantic orientation don't always align for the same individual.
 
When there is Love or a Genuine Respect

Patience and understanding really goes a long way, and it's crazy because like that old saying "Love thy Neighbor as Yourself" means a lot of different things to different people, as words alone or always subject to interpretation.

But they are powerful words when interpreted one way over another. Because it is not necessarily "love" that is the advice, but rather "understanding".

For instance, many people have trouble just being OK with polyamory. It easy to understand how you can have sexual desires for others, and it does not change how you feel about your spouse. Where people have trouble is understanding how their spouses desires for others does not change their love for them.

so when you put your understanding of your feelings the same as someones else, or to be more clear "Understand thy neighbor as you understand yourself" can make a world of difference

Because our emotions as humans are often strong, sharp and intense, and they are exactly what gives Human beings a greater potential for intelligence, so it really does not good to attempt to disregard them or act without knee jerk reactions, but you definitely want to know, recognize, and understand those sharp emotions

first experiences of any non-monogamous relationships are overwhelming and it's so easy to become confused, the worst thing you can do is lie to yourself or others which only complicates and causes more confusion. If you allow yourself the time to figure it out (which happens a lot sooner when you can be open and honest as opposed to keeping secrets or out right lying) then you will always be confident you are making the right decision. As that is what clarity gives you

So many people torture themselves and never realize that if they were just a little more patient, everything would've worked out. If you find yourself struggling after the NRE wears off, the in no point in suffering unless you are all committed to seeing it through.

Doing that sometimes take more patience, hardwork, and understanding than most people are willing to do, but it is really frustrating when you see people go through so much for so long and then give up, no realizing how close they were to coming to an understanding of each other. That understanding can make all the difference in the world. It can go from nightmare to dreams in one day, as it wasn't the 24 hours that changed anything

If you can be honest with your gf without using truth as a weapon, and she is willing to show more patience and understanding in the beginning than she would normally view a relationship as being worth that much effort, you will come through.

It's just hard to know whether or not your are attempting it with the right people.

If you are, it will be worth it,

but there is nothing wrong with dating more casually too,

But it sounds like you are past that stage, and I sound like a broken record, but you don't have to worry about a taking action to fix your dilemma if you are honest with your lovers and they are patient with you, and it helps if you try to understand them as you understand yourself.

How long should you be patient with someone?

I don't know, but it should be clear to you when patience has run out, so trust yourself to know
 
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While I know you are more focused on your lack of sex with CP, the fact that your libido has waned in general may speak to a hormonal issue. My recommendation is a talk and testing with your GYN.

As one of the previous commenters mentioned, bi is on a spectrum. Like you, I had not experienced sexual attraction with another woman until recently. However, I am not attracted to men either unless their minds work a certain way. :) I pretty much decided I am attracted to entities with certain ways of thinking, and the outer casing is insignificant. All of that said, I am far more used to interacting sexually with men, so attraction or not, the other is more of a challenge for me. Sounds like you are the same way. So it would be logical that if your libido has waned in general, the relationship between you and CP will the effect first.

What I am trying to say is I don't think the problem is between you and CP - just that given your newness to sex with women versus men, that is where your waning libido is going to show first.
 
Well, I think I've figured out what's been going on... there were a couple of things, and I feel so much better about it just realizing why I'd been so disinterested in sex.

The first issue was that I'd felt like I lost my sexual identity - I don't consider myself heterosexual anymore, and that left me to wonder what am I? and I've been feeling kind of destabilized. Yesterday I spent quite a bit of time reading up on sexuality (I found an interesting book regarding sexual fluidity which seems to occur with some women, that has helped me feel less confused), I now feel okay with letting go of that label I had used to define myself, and I don't feel a need to replace it with some new label. I am who I am!

The other issue has been a lack of confidence in the sex-with-a-girl department. Generally I am the dominant one in the bedroom, but without having any sexual experience with women I started feeling less certain of myself once the NRE died down a little. Which I hadn't really talked to her about (it's hard enough for me to admit to MYSELF that I'm feeling insecure), so over time it led to my sexual self feeling self-conscious, withdrawn, disconnected... which feelings don't lead to wanting sex. Duh.

Once I figured that all out, I felt SO much better. This I was able to talk to her about, and this is something we will work on. I just need to learn her, get more experience, and cut myself some slack when I don't do things exactly right. I am something of a perfectionist, so I tend to be harder on myself than I should be.

Anyway, thanks for the talk! Sometimes I just need to get things out of my head, and stop concentrating on the trees so I can see the forest. :)
 
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