From Theory to Practice

feef

New member
:rolleyes: I'll try to keep this brief, on why I'm here now.

Age 14 - Strongly identified as asexual - the thought of a partner being romantic or sexual with another person doesn't bother me.
Age 16 - Fall in love with two people. Confused. Resolved pretty quickly: "Hey, why can't I love two people?" Find Franklin Veaux's sprawling web empire. "Yeah, that makes sense!"
Age 18 - Sex drive finally starts booting up. Things are weird, new, and mostly good.

Just in case genders help visualize (I find they do): DK and WK - Gentlemen. Me and TJ - Ladies.

University!
Age 20 - Meet DK. Upfront about wanting to be poly. Date DK for a year before insecurity, fear, and different needs break us up.
Age 21 - Start dating WK. WK asks DK if it's okay, since it's soon after our break up and they're friends. WK finds out I'm poly from somewhere in the friend network, and is cool with it when I tell him.
Age 22 - WK and I are pretty serious. Move in together, meet parents.
Age 23 - I ask DK on a date, despite him living an hour away. Things seem to be a lot better between us, and we're liking it. WK completely ok with whole situation.

So, I'm 24 now. DK asked out another girl (TJ) who lives near him, and here's where shit hits the fan - she's really not comfortable with the whole situation. DK is very determined to make it work.

So.

I'll probably be lurking the forums and trying to gather ideas, strategies, and perspective. :) I've had poly brain for so long it's really hard to work my head around 'the other side'. We've never spoken, except 'through' DK, which I'm not happy about, but me making the move to contact would really upset her I feel. Ack. We'll see.
 
Greetings feef,
Welcome to our forum.

I can see why that would be a snag, that TJ isn't okay with the whole poly thing, but it mostly seems like a problem for DK and TJ to iron out between each other. It very well might help if TJ meets you in person, so give that a try.

Check out our boards and threads and see what calls to you; post any thoughts or questions you might have. This is a great site where you can learn a lot, as well as meet people and strike up new friendships.

I enjoyed the way you laid out your intro post; it was an easy read and easy to understand. I hope you enjoy your time amongst us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for the welcome message, kdt!

Haha, well, I did a bit of lurking first. Seems like a lot of people come here for advice on situations, and laying out the situation can be pretty long and confusing, so, I tried.

It is between TJ and DK, but I'm trying to give all the love and support I can to DK, without comprising my "needs" in the relationship. I really would like to meet her/talk to her, but would rather DK bringing it up as we've never spoken yet, and I wouldn't want her to feel ambushed or pressured.

You know that ol' poly thing that flies around? We move at the pace of the slowest person? I just don't want that pace to be a standstill. I just gotta be patient and see how things go. :eek:
 
IME people are either basically okay with sharing a lover or they're into the whole monogamy ownership shtick. If TJ breaks out in hives over the prospect of DK sleeping with you I don't see much future there somewhere.
 
Re:
"You know that ol' poly thing that flies around? We move at the pace of the slowest person? I just don't want that pace to be a standstill."

That's true. It's reasonable to expect some progress, even if it's slow.

You will have to see if TJ develops a tolerance for poly. Some people just aren't wired that way. DK will have to make a decision on what to do about that, if TJ absolutely says "no," Then DK will have to choose.

It seems fine to let DK make the call on when you could meet with TJ. Just be willing to offer whatever support you can.
 
If TJ breaks out in hives over the prospect of DK sleeping with you I don't see much future there somewhere.

That's exactly what the case is right now.

kdt26417 said:
Some people just aren't wired that way.

Yup, I think it's just difficult for DK or TJ to call it. After being broken up for the day, both were having second thoughts and trying to think of a way to make it work. They're having a cool-off-and-think week after things came to a head a few days ago, so, I'm doing thinking and homework too.
 
Continue your thinking and homework, and hopefully DK and TJ will make the best decision for the long-term.
 
(Homework update)
I've been looking through the forums, and it's really good when I find something relevant, and then I go through the WHOLE thread. I figure I should keep updating this little intro thread in case somebody having metamour problems in the future and find it relevant.

I found this:
http://solopoly.net/2012/11/04/why-spoiling-some-dates-is-good-for-a-non-primary-relationship/
The TL;DR version is that the author, after a particularly bad experience, learns that having direct communication to metamours is completely essential to her relationships. Made a lot of sense to me.
 
Good article. It certainly illustrates the importance of keeping on top of communication, even if it's uncomfortable or "spoils the date." It's obviously true of metamours, but it's actually a good idea for poly in general as well. Just about any relationship, really.

Keep us posted on any news from the DK-TJ situation.
 
So, I'm 24 now. DK asked out another girl (TJ) who lives near him, and here's where shit hits the fan - she's really not comfortable with the whole situation. DK is very determined to make it work.

That may not be up to him. Either she's willing to learn about poly and accept it, or she's not. It's not entirely fair for him to try and convince her, either, if she's not on board. I see that as relationship pressure, which isn't cool.

I really would like to meet her/talk to her, but would rather DK bringing it up as we've never spoken yet, and I wouldn't want her to feel ambushed or pressured.

Do you mean bring it up with her? Have you brought it up with him?

Assuming the first, that's reasonable. He's the one at the hinge at that vee, and it makes perfect sense for him to coordinate an initial meeting between the two arms.

Assuming the second, you can go grey waiting for someone to read your mind. Let him know you'd like to meet her and take it from there.

IME people are either basically okay with sharing a lover or they're into the whole monogamy ownership shtick. If TJ breaks out in hives over the prospect of DK sleeping with you I don't see much future there somewhere.

Monogamy does not necessarily assume a sense of ownership. For that matter, polyamory does not necessarily exclude it.

Everyone has the right to set their own boundaries and decide what components they're willing to have in their relationships. Choosing to exclude yourself from relationships that have a poly component does not make you possessive.
 
Update: DK visited this weekend. We respected the "no pants off fun" rule, and did talk about this stuff. Lo and behold, it didn't ruin our date. :) It was really, really good to see him - it's hard going through this stuff when I can't get the occasional hug for reassurance.

It's not entirely fair for him to try and convince her, either, if she's not on board.
I've talked to him about this, namely that DK not hide is motives in moving TJ towards "more okay with feef than right now". DK wanting to make things "work" has already somewhat hurt things, I think, by deferring the poly conversation and allowing some ambiguity to our relationship. She has yet to walk away based on the poly thing, I think based on the thought of "well, he'll choose me, because we live closer and we see each other more often."

Do you mean bring it up with her? Have you brought it up with him?
Yes, he knows I'd like to be able to talk to her. After thinking and reading, this is a non-negotiable moving forward for me, but I don't think she's going to be okay with that. So far, DADT is what she wants, and I think DK would be unhappy long term compartmentalizing his life like that.
 
That's good that DK came over and that you had an enjoyable visit. Sounds like DK's on his own with TJ, if she doesn't want to meet up with you. Keep us updated, I hope things work out.
 
Yes, he knows I'd like to be able to talk to her. After thinking and reading, this is a non-negotiable moving forward for me, but I don't think she's going to be okay with that. So far, DADT is what she wants, and I think DK would be unhappy long term compartmentalizing his life like that.

I could never pull that off, in either direction. Your partners affect your life, and when you have any problems in your relationship, it's easy enough to carry pain over. If one partner doesn't know why you're upset, they might take it personally and misinterpret your reactions.
 
Limbooo

Since I get frustrated when I run into an interesting thread, but OP doesn't updated.... update!

Things are pretty limbo right now. DK and TJ are on a 'break' and aren't talking, which DK finds pretty miserable because the two of them work together. DK has been doing a lot of thinking about what his long-term relationship goals are.

We had a good talk - I feel that I can have many 'equal' people in my life, and he feels that primary/secondary makes sense in terms of life entanglement (house, career, kids, etc). He really wants a primary partner, and is pretty doubtful that I could be that primary partner, since I have WK. DK feels that the depth of the love may be equal, but anymore than being 'entangled' with one person would be confusing and he can't really imagine it.

So, we didn't talk about TJ that much. I can understand TJ distancing herself and not talking to him, because it's a crap situation, but there is probably still a part that is saying "he'll realize how miserable he is without me". Not sure how things will go, but me and DK have the communication lines up, which is good.

Thanks for the feedback so far. :)
 
Thanks for your update, sorry you are stuck in limbo right now. :(
 
Limbo sucks. It's agonizing on everyone involved. Distance can be a good thing to clear the head and do some prioritizing, organizing, and reflection. I do hope it works out for the best, and it is good to hear that though things are up in the air regarding TJ, you and DK are communicating effectively.
 
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Thanks for the supportive messages :) I can't believe how many posts you reply to, KDT, it's seriously impressive.

Limbo could be a lot worse, and I really don't envy DK's situation. By having me in his life, I believe that he feels that finding a primary partner will be much, much harder, since most people would turn away as soon as they found out I am in his life. TJ just exacerbates this fear, since they get along really well, but I'm a complete dealbreaker. I'm trying to reassure him that neither me or WK has him slotted as "secondary", and we won't be making huge life changing decisions without his input, but his brain automatically thinks hierarchy is natural and fine.

Ack, rant. Limbo isn't too bad for me, that's my point. DK, WK and I are going out for celebration sushi (graduating from university!), and it'll be the first time it's just the three of us, which is a little nervous making. I dunno where I should sit. #First-world-poly-problems.
 
If it's a table, you could sit next to one of them and across from the other. If it's a booth, you could sit right between them.

Don't stress about it too much, have fun! Hopefully DK will get his own problems worked out eventually.
 
Haha, seating arrangements sorted themselves out the instant we got there :) It was awesome having dinner with the two of them.

DK and TJ update: They went on a break for about 2-3 weeks, and everything cooled down quite a bit. DK realized that he probably didn't want things to continue with TJ longterm. TJ posted an article on "why it's great to be single" while on the break, so, she probably was coming to similar conclusions on her own.

DK and TJ still work together, and DK has said that it really sucks losing a friend at work, and that his days have been kind of shitty, but getting better. There is a work get away, and he's decided not to go because it would probably be awkward and bad. We're going to hang out instead.

I never spoke to TJ (in text, or phone, or person). It seems strange, and I hope when DK meets somebody in the future it goes a little differently than this time.

So, probably last update. Thank you for the support and encouragement - I know there are a lot of "please help me fix my situation" posts on here. Normally I just lurk on my own but this has been very helpful.

Cheers!
 
Wishing you the best. We are here for whenever you do need help with something.
 
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