Minxxa's Little Corner of the World

Yes. Most of them.

He felt bad about the fact that he was learning from fucking up with me. He knew it sucked for me and felt bad that it took him that long to figure it out. It's nice to hear... but then it doesn't ever change anything in the present.

I don't know... I guess I just need to have more patience and let things mellow out (I hope!).

I think the basic problem is that he has focus issues (ADHD), and it's very hard for him to split his time between two people, both of whom need him quite a bit right now. He seems (in my perspective) to give the energy to the person who demands it the most-- and that person isn't me. Not that I don't take his time when I need it, but I also want to feel like he participates with me WITHOUT me having to ask him, otherwise I feel like I'm begging for a morsel of time and attention.

I also feel like he has a limited amount of energy for emotional issues (I've always seen that in him), and it's like it all gets expended on the GF dealing with issues and long distance, so there's nothing left for me. And if I do bring something up that needs to be dealt with it seems like it overwhelms him-- because he's been dealing with emotional stuff all day (but not from me).

I talked to him a bit today on text and said that I have been feeling second best lately, and apparently she has too. Which sucks for him because he's working his ass off to try to balance, and it's not working very well. I told him that time, energy and attention are limited resources. Personally from what little he's said I think she thinks I get a lot more time attention and focus than I do. When we (the GF and I) had spoken back in June, I told her that he texts, calls and speaks to her MUCH more than me, that he hardly texts me at all. She told me that she assumed he communicated with me the same amount as he did with her, and I explained that he had limited energy for that kind of thing, so because he was talking so much with her, he really didn't have that much energy left for me (he needs to recharge). I don't think she believes that, which is unfortunate, but what can I do?

And-- they had all of this time together with no kids, nothing else to do, no real responsibilities other than work. We (hubs and I) have a daughter living at home, my son that visits every other weekend, and lots of responsibilities, so even though we may be in the same house, we are mostly not even in the same room, and mostly not really interacting much-- at least not alone. It's not like we get to spend every night watching movies, cuddling and fucking our brains out. And I think she thinks that's what's going on and that's causing her to feel left out. Which is funny because she actually gets more one on one, focused time to talk about their relationship than I do with him. LOL. What a big ol mess of crappy assumptions and communication!!

I'm still not really sure how to deal with that. Or even if I can. Or should? Anyway, I did let him know how I was feeling, so that was good and needed to be done. Beyond that I need to give it time and have patience. This balancing act will take time. Getting our relationship out of Intensive Care will take time-- and effort. The hardest part for me right now is balancing what I tell him about how I'm feeling. He needs to know when I feel ignored, when I feel like we're not focusing on each other enough. But he also needs time to balance his other relationship. And time to just sit and BE without either of us demanding things from him.
 
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It shouldn't be up to you to be telling the g/f how much time he is spending doing this or that - that's his issue. From what we have discusses in the past, I would say, just stay out of it, unless you there is a need (or request) to "run interference" for your husband. I've had to do this on occasion, the husband takes on more than is physically possible because he feels obligated or such (he really wants to help or be there and can't say no), so I give him an out.

I have literally had to schedule "me time" on his calendar every now and then. His idea of quality time together is to swing by and take care of some of his Boy Scout stuff, before and after dinner, so I have to be extremely specific. However, this is usually for projects around the house that need to be attended to. If I don't schedule it and leave it up to him, he will schedule 3 things on top of it, underestimating how much time each thing will take and what's important to me is always last and therefore doesn't get done at all or a less than half-assed attempt.

Part of it may just be training him to form new habits where you are concerned. Schedule daily time that is spent just with you (after the kid is in bed) or such. Maybe 1 hour with the kid and 1 with just you (sex would be extra time, but cuddles might count). No phones are answered, no texts, e-mails, etc. and the g/f will be required to respect this time as well.

I seriously sympathize with you, I feel like I'm being whiny and demanding when I want attention, but if I don't I get ignored. So I'm working on ways to request the attention without being whiny (aka: before I have an emotional tear filled break down because I'm feeling tossed aside). If he focuses his attention on the squeaky wheel, then for God's sake speak up. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
 
It shouldn't be up to you to be telling the g/f how much time he is spending doing this or that - that's his issue. From what we have discusses in the past, I would say, just stay out of it, unless you there is a need (or request) to "run interference" for your husband.

Oh, no, I do not feel it's my responsibility to communicate stuff to her, it's definitely his. And I think we're all in agreement on that one. And I think he does tell her, just like I did. I just don't think she believes it "internally". LOL. He does hate being the "middle man" though.

And I'm highly aware that my perspective on things is based on what I see, think I see, assumptions, etc. as is hers. So we are both most likely making incorrect assumptions about what's going on with the other person. I think this is why I feel communication issues are making things harder-- but I'm not sure what to do about it because we are all not in good places for open, honest communication. Yet. I have hopes for the future...

Part of it may just be training him to form new habits where you are concerned. Schedule daily time that is spent just with you (after the kid is in bed) or such. Maybe 1 hour with the kid and 1 with just you (sex would be extra time, but cuddles might count). No phones are answered, no texts, e-mails, etc. and the g/f will be required to respect this time as well.

Yeah, I'm starting to see we need to do this more. Some daily time. My kid is almost 19 though, so there really is no "after kids go to bed" time. She's usually up until midnight or so. Yesterday we did get a little bit of time before she got home from work which was nice. A little foolin' around, a little talking about regular stuff. It was nice. I'm realizing that I need to make sure that happens more often, for sure.

I seriously sympathize with you, I feel like I'm being whiny and demanding when I want attention, but if I don't I get ignored. So I'm working on ways to request the attention without being whiny (aka: before I have an emotional tear filled break down because I'm feeling tossed aside). If he focuses his attention on the squeaky wheel, then for God's sake speak up. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

It's hard because it's SO not my personality to demand attention. When I need it I ask, but that only works about 50% of the time. Which in turn just pisses me off because why should I have to throw a tantrum or stomp my feet to get attention. We're grownups I should be able to just say what I need and at least get some of it, or a discussion, or a future time or SOMETHING. LOL

And yeah, I get you on the emotional tear filled breakdown. I get to that point and then I'm just a mess, and I feel ridiculous. I think maybe I need to discuss this particular issue by itself with hubs. That when I need attention or am feeling like he's not "there", how can I convey that to him in a way that won't feel accusatory or demanding to either of us. Because when I can't get the message across, and too much time goes by, it ends up being a mess and there's no need for that.

We are getting a little time this weekend because the daughter is going out of town and I don't have the boychild this weekend, yay! So hopefully some time to just hang out, do some fun stuff, and perhaps a little discussion here and there would be possible.
 
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OMy kid is almost 19 though, so there really is no "after kids go to bed" time. She's usually up until midnight or so.

My 16yo would be too if he didn't have to be out the door at 6:40am everyday :p, but he will at least hibernate in his room. Oh, I miss the 8pm bedtimes.
 
My 16yo would be too if he didn't have to be out the door at 6:40am everyday :p, but he will at least hibernate in his room. Oh, I miss the 8pm bedtimes.

LOL, yeah, no kidding!!

You know another thing that's beeng going through my head-- not really poly related at all, just life stuff-- is what the HELL does it mean to be happy?

I know that my whole life has been kind of chaotic, lots of moving, lots of starting over, lots of shaking up of things. And I never have really FELT happy. I've had some happy moments to be sure, and some great times and fun. But lately I'm seeing that my whole life I've been trying to find some happiness. By trying to be "perfect" (or as close as I could get), to learning more about stuff, to whatever-- it's all been in this wierd quest to be happy. Like "If I could just do x--- I'll be happy." And now that I think about it I don't even know what happy is. I am guessing it's not some big holy grail out in the distance that I'm striving for... but I think that's just exactly what I've been doing.

Maybe my life as it is is as good as it gets. Maybe I am asking too much of people, and myself especially. Maybe life is just... life. Sometimes messy, sometimes sad, sometimes exciting. Maybe this is just it.
 
Well the happiness discussion was enlightening for me.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14759

Basically what I want is contentment. I want to be content with my life as a whole. I think that with that contentment in place, I can weather the storms that come and go, the bad stuff, the difficult stuff a lot better.

Right now I need to see where I'm *not* content, and take a look at why. I have a sneaking suspicion that the majority of my discontent comes from within and I'm going to have to go in there and tweak a few things. :eek:

I do know that some of it also lies within my relationship with hubs. I have not gotten my needs met in a long, long time-- in fact, some of them I've never gotten met from him. And yes, it probably would have been smarter to NOT choose to be in a relationship with somebody who wasn't capable of meeting those needs, but we're there and I'm not ready to give up on it or him yet.

I do need to really figure out what those needs are-- in concrete and very defineable terms-- in order for me to be able to communicate that to him. If I can't figure out what I need, then how can I expect him to meet it?

I do know that one need is more time (quality time where we are paying attention to each other, not just existing in the same house in separate rooms involved in our own stuff!) I need to figure out how to do that, though, and then make it happen.

Not today, though. Today I'm going to yoga and then going to my good friend's house for a nice girl-bonding dinner.
 
I do know that one need is more time (quality time where we are paying attention to each other, not just existing in the same house in separate rooms involved in our own stuff!) I need to figure out how to do that, though, and then make it happen.

Not today, though. Today I'm going to yoga and then going to my good friend's house for a nice girl-bonding dinner.

I struggle with this also because I also need time for "my stuff", which usually falls when he is home. Sometimes, I just have to say, "lets go for a drive" (he loves to do that anyway) and he has done the same, it helps. I did have to spell it out (including no texting, e-mailing , etc - even if he usually forgets that part) and both of us playing on the computer in the same room doesn't count, neither does sitting at opposite ends of the room watching tv.
 
I struggle with this also because I also need time for "my stuff", which usually falls when he is home. Sometimes, I just have to say, "lets go for a drive" (he loves to do that anyway) and he has done the same, it helps. I did have to spell it out (including no texting, e-mailing , etc - even if he usually forgets that part) and both of us playing on the computer in the same room doesn't count, neither does sitting at opposite ends of the room watching tv.

I like the driving idea I might just have to add that one in!

He is good about not texting when we are doing stuff together. I do appreciate that a lot.

And yeah... me watching TV with the girl and him playing on the computer doesn't count.

I WOULD count snuggling on the couch watching a movie, though. :)
 
I do need to really figure out what those needs are-- in concrete and very defineable terms-- in order for me to be able to communicate that to him. If I can't figure out what I need, then how can I expect him to meet it?

More often than not, I suspect, most of us (if not all) share a common set of basic "needs" in relationships. Rarely can any one person provide all of these needs, I suspect (though I suppose it can happen, sometimes).

My middle name is River. But my other middle name is Enthusiasm. I really enjoy being enthusiastic, excited, bubbly.... Well, this is a stark contrast with Kevin, my guy sweetie. He likes my enthusiasm, somewhat. But he rarely expresses a level of enthusiasm similar to my own--when I am enthusiastic. So when my gal sweetie (Faraway Sweetie) expresses enthusiasm on a similar level as my own, I get very -- you guessed it! -- enthusiastic about that! Example: We both really, really want to go horseback riding together. And we want to go to the Grand Canyon after camping at Chaco Canyon (See River's blog). Well, when she expresses excitement and joy about these plans ... I get doubly excited and joyful, which apparently amplifies her own exitement. Gawd help us!:p:D

Kevin is stable, steady, solid.... And I like that. I do. And he's a joy to be with and to share experiences with. He's just different from how Faraway Sweetie and I are when it comes to expressing feeling and excitement. I'm glad I can have both of them very close.:)


Anyway, among our needs in broad terms are...

Reflection -- We need to have certain qualities we have be reflected in a way that affirms these and allows them to amplify in a loving atmosphere.
 
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I think basic needs like being loved for yourself, being respected, etc. are definitely more universal. But hubs and I are very much the example of "opposites attracting". Part of what works for us is that we complement each other's personality so much.

An example is that he's very extroverted, and I'm mostly introverted. But he can definitely bring out my extroverted side.

He also can be impulsive and unfocused, and I tend to think things through more and get things done. I think I have helped him to focus on things he wants and help him stay a bit grounded, while he has opened me up to sometimes just doing things without thinking them to DEATH.

One thing I am realizing is that like it or not, if I want to do things with him or get time, or whatever -- that I need to figure it out and plan it. Not that I don't like doing that SOMETIMES, but somewhere I had this ridiculous feeling that because he wasn't initiating things, that it meant he wasn't interested as much anymore. Which I know is not true. He's just more of a procrastinator, and not much of a planner-- that's my arena. :)

Once I realized i was being dumb in trying to "wait until he initiates something with me" :eek: I lost that ridiculous resentment that was building. We can do things, we can have that time, I just need to make it happen.
 
So I'm doing good today. I have been having some concerns and frustrations lately regarding time/energy/focus/scheduling amongst three people lately and last night it was definitely on my mind with the help of some PMS.

Anyway I ended up waking up at 4:15 this morning :( with things still circling in my head. I was heading towards an emotional spiral of bitterness, frustration, sadness and lots of other things, and so I tried to use some of the skills that Tara Brach talks about on her website.

I started by taking a good look at what I was feeling, defining and naming the emotions, feeling what it felt like in my body, and then finally just FEELING them. It took a while, but the emotional whirlwind slowed down and I started seeing the situation in a different light-- involving a lot more understanding and logic. :D

Anyway I ended up coming up with some ideas that I think might help all of us get a little bit more of what we really need, while sapping a lot less of our energies. I sent hubs an email this morning about it. I do much better in email form because:

1) I get WAY too wordy if I don't put it down in writing and then EDIT, and my main message ends up getting lost in a sea of unnecessary words. Hubs can't hear what Im' saying if I say too much. I have to be concise.

2) Hubs can read it when he is ready to do so, and can linger and think on it for a while before responding and/or talking about it with me. This gives him a chance to see what he thinks and reread if he's unsure of something BEFORE we have the discussion.

These things seem to work better for us.

I am concerned a little because I don't want him (or his GF) to think I want to run the show when it comes to how we all get along. I most certainly don't want to, I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to.

But the fact is (as my husband pointed out last night), I'm the one who reads about things-- time management, poly, etc. Nobody else does that, so they don't have access to getting the benefits from other people's experiences and having that to help guide future choices. Both he and the GF tend to shoot from the hip-- which is great in some aspects, but isn't so great when it comes to the organization needed to maintain this crazy life we lead.

And if I sit back and wait for someone else to try to get things to work smoothly-- well, let's just say that won't happen. Ever.

On another fun note, this weekend no kids in the house!! It'll be the last one for a while that we get to spend together with nobody else there, so I intend to enjoy it. Hopefully do some fun stuff, laze around a little, fool around a lot. :) I am SOOOOO looking forward to it.
 
Just wanted to check in. It's nice to post when things are positive :)

The weekend was really nice. Low-key for sure, and lots of relaxing. But also we got to get out and do some things together, and had time for a little chatting on all things important.

We ended up geocaching on Saturday (something we used to do a long long time ago after I read about it somewhere, LOL), which was nice. (Google it if you don't know what it is!) It got us (and the pup) out of the house and hiking all over our nearby lake for about 3 hours. Wow, do my calves hurt! :) I think hubs was impressed though because I kept up a lot more than I used to before he left (so last year decemberish). I'm in a lot better health, and also in better shape--yoga will do that to you! :) Anyway, the hills were kinda fun, though my lungs still don't love that! Found a few things, and took some pics, pupper got a great workout!

Watched some movies, and hung out. Also got some time to do our own things, hubs was working on the computer and playing a bit online and I read for a while (Reading the Game of Thrones series), and napped. :)

Did get to talk a bit about scheduling-- more importantly about focus. I don't need a lot of time, but what time I do have with him for us I do need him to be there fully. That's hard enough with his ADHD wired brain which goes all over the place anyway, LOL, and it's been impossible lately. So we're working on it. Baby steps anyway.

We also talked about how he needs some time for himself, to just wander off with the pupper and his camera or go riding on his bike or whatever. He needs some quiet time to recharge, so hopefully he'll start taking more of that.

There actually wasn't THAT much relationship talk, LOL, maybe 15 minutes, mostly we just hung out.

We had also talked a while back about doing something fun together like learning Italian-- we want to go to Italy sometime in the next couple of years-- and so he got the Rosetta Stone all together and on both of our computers so last night we hung in the bedroom, both working on the first section of italian. LOL... it's sort of doing someting together, but separate! Though we're trying to stay on the same section so we can practice a bit here and there. The hope is that as we improve we can start speaking it to each other and keep up the usage. Plus it's sexy. :eek:

I'm back to school today, so up at 5 (blyeah), and full day ahead. Won't be home until 9:30 or 10 after school lets out. I only have two more months, I can do this!! Well, then I have my practicum in march, but that'll be using my skills somewhere so not quite the same...

And I've also been listening to a lot of Tara Brach's audiotalks. I like to listen to at least one in the morning at work, it seems to help me get into a better, calmer, more open-hearted mindset for the day. Just sets my intention to be more aware and in the moment. Or at least attempt.
 
Game of Thrones is the best! And frustrating, because it's so unfinished!

That's it. Nothing more to add, you seem to have so much of your shit together :).
 
Game of Thrones is the best! And frustrating, because it's so unfinished!

That's it. Nothing more to add, you seem to have so much of your shit together :).

I love the book series so far, it goes on FOREVER! :)

And thank you, that's sweet. Smoke and mirrors! :) No, really I'm just finally accepting I don't have it all together and that's ok. Nobody else does either. The best I can do is start being more aware and more present and more loving and more compassionate. Things will work out as they will.

Grateful is good, too! I'm finding that focusing on the things I have helps TREMENDOUSLY. They might not be perfect, but they're pretty good!

Quote for the week: "We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

I'm starting with myself on that one. :)
 
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