Jealousy

Isaac

New member
Hey all. I'm brand new to the site (gotta say, at least one good thing has come from my jealousy so far, and that is that it's motivated me to find this site!).

I'm sure this has come up in other places, but I haven't been able to find it. If people want to link me other threads with discussions about jealousy, that would be cool, or answer me in this thread :).

Anyway, I'm relatively new to non-monogamy (coming up on a year with the woman I am with... been together for a little over three), and although I know that it is right for me/us, I still feel a lot of jealousy. My jealousy isn't blaming, aggressive, or even overt. I just feel a lot of internal stuff: self doubt, comparing, sadness, worry, etc... Without getting into the particulars of my own situation right away, I'm hoping I can get a good conversation started with some of you folks about your experiences with jealousy - being either the jealous one or the one with the jealous partner - how you've learned to deal with it, etc...

I love my partner very much, and I really want her to be free to be with whomever she desires, and I don't want to feel like shit whenever she is with somebody other than me. I've gotta get a handle on my jealousy.

What do you think?
 
I think you've got the right attitude to give this the best shot you can:)

Are you poly?
 
I think you've got the right attitude to give this the best shot you can:)

Are you poly?

I'm not sure I can answer that question in a satisfactory way, for two reasons. First, I'm not a huge fan of labels. I find them constricting and necessarily inadequate representations of reality (woah, I didn't mean for that to sound as philosophical as it did). I prefer to leave my relationship with my partner as undefined as possible, hence the 'non-monogamous' anti-label label... if that makes any sense :S. And second, I'm not so up to speed with the lingo surrounding non-monogamous stuff.

We ARE in a committed and loving relationship, and we have agreed that we are both allowed to go out and see/date/one night stand/sleep with/etc other people, so long as we tell the other person beforehand (if this is possible... can't quite with random one night stands...) and maintain completely honest communication with one another.

Am I poly?
 
Doesn't matter if you are considered poly. You both have the same freedoms. That is the most important bit of info. Does your partner feel the same way when you are out on a date? Maybe you can help each other with this?
 
...................
I love my partner very much, and I really want her to be free to be with whomever she desires, and I don't want to feel like shit whenever she is with somebody other than me. I've gotta get a handle on my jealousy.

What do you think?

Hey Isaac,

Welcome.
As RP suggested, lots of discussion here about jealousy and a search (tag or otherwise) will give you a mountain of info to consider.

Here's the short version..............

Jealousy (real) is a fear response tightly tied to insecurities and/or lack of enough information.

It's a control mechanism. Human nature.

For many/most that is the key to banishing it. We either proceed with our lives trying to always be in the control/driver seat or we develop confidence (through trust) that life will work it's way out the way it needs/ is supposed to. And that's the reality at the bottom of it. Things WILL work out the way they need to for everyone. All we do is forestall things by getting in the way.

Relax, inject positive energy into everything and it will all take the path it needs to.

GS
 
ditto

Hey all. I'm brand new to the site (gotta say, at least one good thing has come from my jealousy so far, and that is that it's motivated me to find this site!).

I'm sure this has come up in other places, but I haven't been able to find it. If people want to link me other threads with discussions about jealousy, that would be cool, or answer me in this thread :).

Anyway, I'm relatively new to non-monogamy (coming up on a year with the woman I am with... been together for a little over three), and although I know that it is right for me/us, I still feel a lot of jealousy. My jealousy isn't blaming, aggressive, or even overt. I just feel a lot of internal stuff: self doubt, comparing, sadness, worry, etc... Without getting into the particulars of my own situation right away, I'm hoping I can get a good conversation started with some of you folks about your experiences with jealousy - being either the jealous one or the one with the jealous partner - how you've learned to deal with it, etc...

I love my partner very much, and I really want her to be free to be with whomever she desires, and I don't want to feel like shit whenever she is with somebody other than me. I've gotta get a handle on my jealousy.

What do you think?

Hi Isaac,
I think you're normal. I also think you're just like me. I've just recently jumped into a situation that made me so jealous I couldn't see straight. I really snuck up on me and I felt like I was losing my mind. From what I've read on this forum, it's just something I/we have to work thru. I have confidence that I can get over it and will be better off once I can get a handle on it.

In the meantime, communicate, meditate, whatever helps you feel better...and talk to us! We know JUST how you feel.

Best of luck!
 
Tired of Jealousy

Im tired of jealousy but it's mine. He keeps joining "sex" sites which has me going crazy and we have it out. He says he just likes females sending him Pics. He's jealous too but only if A guy flirts with me, he says he would have no problem with females. As you can tell, he eventually would like us to have another girl envolved. Problem is im straight, always have been and dont know if I'd be comfortable with another female. I found this site because i was tired of seeing all advice posts saying leave him, not worth it. It may not be but I love him and have since we met 4 years ago. I truely cannot see leaving him so im trying to find a way to deal with maybe letting him have what he'd like with me included or if not at least just let him. I know what causes jealousy and yes im very insecure and terrified of losing him but im having trouble changing that. We talked recently for awhile and he said he was happier with me since iv'e been trying to not be such a "prude" i guess is best word. Im a shy person so pictures and things like that embarrass me really bad, but Iv'e been being a lil more out there. He works offshore so I know he gets lonely. I just want to be the one that helps him be happy and wish I had a way to not be sooo Jealous. He's very outgoing and loves to flirt, any suggestions lol.
 
@tigersgirl -- If he wants you to work through your jealousy then he needs to do the same. Him saying he's ok with you being wih girls when you're not even attracted to girls is just nonsensical. It'd be exactly the same as if you said "Poly is fine, honey, but only if you only get it on with other dudes. Oh, and I get to flirt and have sex and maybe relationships with men too." I'm just guessing that that wouldn't go over well???

There are ways to work on jealousy, and the xeromag.com site mentioned above is great. But if you guys don't deal with this basic issue of fairness, I think it'll just blow up later down the line. I mean, how can you feel valued and secure when he's saying "This will be great, babe... I get everything I want and *you* get everything I want too!"
 
Another way to think about it... he has to realize that every single bit of uncomfortableness he feels about the idea of you being with guys, you also feel about him being with girls, just with the bits swapped ("are her breasts nicer than mine" versus "is his cock bigger than mine", "will he get her pregnant" versus... well, no, that one's really worded the same either way). Maybe putting it in those terms will help him understand how you feel and be a little more sensitive. You guys can live the poly dream and not break up, with some luck and hard work and communication, but not if he treats your feelings like they're less serious than his.
 
Guess i'll be finding out soon enough. Hes coming home from offshore today so plan on talking to him some more. I'm not even sure if Poly is what he wants or if its just the sex. He likes porn though I can say it honestly does nothing for him sexually, so havent figured that out yet. I know because though I feel embarrassed, Iv'e put it on Tv several times thinking it would arouse him, it didn't. It's like trading pics with girls are just entertainment for him. He is to me anyway awesome sex wise and though I had lots before him, I'm not experienced. Im too self concious and nervous so I've been researching a lot and will try whatever I can to change that. As for the jealousy thing, I point out to him that its pretty hypocriptical but I honestly dont care If he is or not because I have and will not want anyone else. Im 34 so no kid, I had lousy only in it for financial relationship for 12 years. I know what I want and just need to figure out how to keep him and myself happy. :rolleyes:
 
Annabel, your perspectives FLOOR me! Awesome.

Tigersgirl, someone posted a link here about porn and its effects, you may want to do some research. It can really twist up people, if it escalates.

It's not about being a prude. Porn can really block emotional intimacy. And I suspect that's what you're into, which is healthy. Don't fall for that shit that it's your fault you're too uptight -- if it's not in moderation, it's out of control. He may be disinterested in porn now because his tolerance level has gone up -- now he needs to take it to a bigger high, i.e."real" women. It could be an addiction. Check into this!!!
 
If women are sending him naked pix, he is probably having cybersex with them. Are you comfortable with that? Do you consider it cheating?
 
Aw, thanks Carma! In this instance, it just comes from being a Kinsey 3 (look up "kinsey scale" on Wikipedia for any who aren't familiar with the term). It makes it much easier to view things like OPP (one penis policy) with total skepticism.
 
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